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Chapter 5
2007.06.24. 08:43
Chapter 5
- Baby, wanna thank you the joy you gave, you know how to make me happy!
- I'm glad to hear this, Dave - I smiled while I sat up and caressed him tightly with my hands - But you know that you're the same for me, my dear.
He took me into his arms with a firm hug and held me there. We were just resting there idly on the bed for a while.
- Your little sun got out of curl - I said a bit sad tone in my voice as I noticed that my painting on his chest wasn't clear because he was sweating before.
- You can repaint it, hon.
- Yes, I'll do it if you don't mind - I replied and gave a kiss for him before I got out of the bed and I returned to him. I sat down and watched my fingers. Each finger on my left hand was diferent coloured. I choosed first to paint the little sun back.
- I feel myself like a child again. I always did such things after painting - I smiled as my finger slid tenderly on his skin.
- And I feel myself as a pampered emperor in his court and his slaves are trying to find out every wish of his.
- Hmm, Ave Cezar. Your sun is ready your majesty!
- Hm. Nice work my dependant, but where is my cloud? The fields are bare, my empire needs water! - he ordered and I smiled.
- Yes, my Lord, a raincloud has been ordered - and I started to paint it in the middle of his chest, a bit in the left direction from the sun.
He was watching silently how I was painting on him. His skin was sensitive, my finger tickled him.
- What was the thing you wanted to do with me?
- Patient, my darling. I can give you that gladly after you finish your painting - I smiled and started to paint a flower under the cloud.
- Hey it is a Forget-me-not, is this a hint for me not to forget you?
- Kind of Dave, kind of. What other flowers do ya want?
- Yellow sunflowers, I like them a lot.
- OK, I'll do it - I smiled and used first my forefinger with yellow, then my ring finger with the green. - Sorry, but I haven't got brown on me for the middle of the flower, so it'll be green as well.
- No problem, sweety. I like it. And I enjoy your touch too.
- As I enjoy yours - I nodded, cause both of his hands embraced my waist.
- Can I have dandalions as well?
- Of course. Everything what you wish. But then I think I must paint the wind too, which blows the little parachuists from the flower - I felt myself so happy and peaceful as I looked at his chest and watched my fingers moving on his sensitive brown skin.
- How do you paint wind, a blowing cloud, or something else?
- Just 2 or 3 curly blue wave... It's not a big deal - I replied and did what I said anon. - See?
He lifted his head a bit to be able to see it. - Nice, and it's getting better and better.
- "As it get's wetter and wetter..." - I sung quietly and painted some raindrops too. - What dou you think, what should I paint with black? - I asked him showed up my little finger which was quite black from the paint.
- Little men? Black panther?
- Hmm.. good idea! A black panther, like you - I smiled at him and painted the little animal over his navel. - The little panther went for a walk in David empheror's kingdom to see his friends. First he didn't wanted to come out from the cool and shadowy jungle, but he loved his friends too much and put himself together. He stepped out and first saw the sun over the sky. It was too hot there for a black panther but he didn't give up, continued his journey. He managed to reach the sunflower, one of his oldest friends at first. They were very happy and they were chatting about some things before the brave animal left him. They said goodbye to each other and the little animal travelled again. Not far from there he jumped over a little fountain - I painted it quickly between the sunflower and the red flower - But he was thirsty, so he drunk some water. The red tulipe was waiting for him and tried to give him some shadow. He was grateful and thanked for the nice tulipe. After a while he needed to left her too. He looked up in the sky when the wind gave him a soft cool breeze. He saw a big dark cloud. The raindrops fell down and cooled him. He felt himself much better. He have known that one friend has left. He looked at the sky again to search for her. He left the brown fields but she wasn't there. He was sad now. He tought that she would come. She promised. But se wasn't there. He sat on a big rock and watched Dave emperor's great land. But he couldn't find any beauty in it without the missing piece, who was waited by him still. He felt himself alone. But then a soft and familiar voice came into his sensitive ears, and a strange creature appeared on the sky - I stroked his tattoo on his left shoulder - A black bird which seemed to be a phoenix. His darkest star. He stood up with a happy smile on his face and called her towards him. The bird was happy to see him again too! They played a lot with each other and laughted. And then... the black panther kissed the black bird in the sunset, and suddenly they weren't animals anymore. A girl and a boy stood there in the red and yellow light of the sun. Passion was flaming in their heart.
I stinted quickly. By the last part of the story I was laying by Dave's side. I rested my head on his left shoulder and stroked the bird-tattoo softly with my fingers.
David enjoyed my little tale I was telling him. - A boy and a girl, a panther and a phoenix. You and me, baby, right? - and he leaned to me, giving small, hot kisses to my face all over.
I just nodded shyly and enjoyed his kisses all over my face. My dirty hand was still on his tattoo. I felt his heartbeat. I wanted to be by his side forever in this room, in this moment.
His eyes searched for mine and when they found it he kept close eyecontact with me - It is good to be with you - he said simply.
- Better go now and paint me - I said swallowing back my tears again. It seems I can't stand these emotionful moments so easily. I turned my face away and gave a kiss on my favourite tattoo.
-Yeah, a job should be done - he said and emerged from the bed and walked to the table full naked with such a grace in his movements! Real panther, he is!
I was watching him as I laid on my tummy. My legs were moving in the air playfully, but my toughts were elsewere. I was thinking about my little tail and the detainded tears I couldn't forget. He said the pose was perfect. Not vulgar but adumbrative. Perfect.
I never thought I would see anyone painting me naked. This was a brand new experience. Looking at him while he was painting. He was concentrating hard, making a sketch.
I felt like I was in the Titanic movie when Dicaprio was drawing Kate Winslet. He had a little rose colour on his face as he was drawing me. I didn't wanted to ask why. I tohught because he was sketching my erogenic zones. But anyway, I liked it. But I was thinking about this situation too. About us two. I felt whole myself with him. I didn't wanted to think about what will be happen after he’ll left my country. I wanted just live for the moment. I was watching him. The concentrating on his face, the crinkle between his eyesbrows, the movements what he made.
His movements, the heaven in his motion, his body's moving with pure precision. I already know it, experienced it before. I've found heaven, seen it from the other side of the inner door.
- I will die in the very moment when your plane would take off tomorow evening - I said suddenly.
He stopped to paint as he heard my sentence. He didn't look in my eyes. He was watching the canvas before him.
- You know... I felt myself really well with you during these days. Don't think that the leaving will be easy for me. You know, I live the feelings in an intensive way. And you gave me precious things, wich need special handelings - he smiled in a sadly way. - But you know very well, that I need to go, but in turn I don't want to.
- Good to know that. This little something, me, means something for you. I wasn't whinning on it, I just stated a fact. I don't think I would survive. I fear I can't make it without you. Don't be scared I won't stalking you or harrassing you, this is just the way I feel. You made a deep impact on me, you know. You became more important to me than I ever thought you would. That's all.
- You see, that'a why I don't want to let the fans, and other girls near to me while touring. I know this could be happen. This like the thing between you and me. It'll bring just pain and suffering for the both of us. I don't think I can really handle with this situation. I like you so much. You gave me so much, but... you know..
- Take it as unheard, I don't want to disturb your life at all. It was a burden on my chest and with confessing it I could put the bundle down.
- Good then. I don't want to seem rude, but I should be wiser by now. It would be better for me staying alone while touring and no one should be allowed near me. Just pain and suffering, as always...- He bent his head. I haven't said a thing, there were no words avaliable. He was absolutly right. And I am a grown up, I am able to accept it. Only, him, only him was the one man who meant the whole world for me. I couldn't help avoid the tears in my eyes, they started flowing down on my cheek slowly.
They were silent, but sad tears, and I was watching my pillow better. I didn't wanted him to see me crying again. But I'm pretty shure he noticed it. But he stayed silent and painted onwards. I was glad that he didn't come to me to console me. It was right for him staying there. We were separate like the two world wherein we were living. The famous, loud, rich, higher world wich was him, and the quiet, simple, grey little one: me. I thought again that his the only good thing in my life. He and his voice and it enticed a little sad smile on my face.
More than an hour passed and he was still painting, my tears were drying up but I was sad and desperate. Rarely a good combination, it never gives wise advice. It didn't give me one at least. When he went out to the balcony to have a cig I dressed up quickly and fled. I ran away without giving a look on the pic or saying him goodbye. The tears flooded again, I couldn't see through them, I was just running wild until I noticed my own frontdoor was in front of me.
I managed to get into my flat, but I can't remember how. I got into my bedroom and sat down on the bed crying hard. A song was playing in my mind over and over again from James Blunt. I thought the lyrics were so true now... I put it in the cd-player and was crying during the song as I laid on the bed in the foetal ball. Just like in my mother's belly, who was dead for a long time ago. I was so alone in the world! My emotions were stired up.
"You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me..."
Then I fell asleep while the cd-recorder was repeating this beautiful and sad song. I woke up just on the next morning.
My eyes were red and hurt, I barely could open them. I looked into the mirror and was scared when I saw my reflection, but who cared? I wanted absolutly nothing. No food, no drink, no air to breath, nothing. Sometimes I wished I was dead. I was sure I died yesterday in the very moment I left and what I am doing now is not a life lived, only bare existence. And I didn't want it either. Never in my life been I so desperate and depressed. Dave came to my mind, what he could do now? I thought I'd call the hotel to say at least a goodbye to him, but haven't found my cell anywhere. Where could it be? It must be in my racksack, I thought. But my racksack wasn't here either. I must left it in his room. I have to go and collect it. I dressed up, washed my face and I just stepped out of the door when a Mercedes Vito van stopped in front of me, it almost hit me. I wouldn't have minded that. A slim black figure got out of the car.
I stopped. I was still standing really close to the van. I wanted to turn back and disappear. He found me sure because my identity card was in my bag too. I did not want to speak with him, to see him, to hear his voice, to see the blame or someting negative in his eyes. But I couldn't move, couldn't speak, I couldn't lift my head up. I starred a little ladybug next to the car's wheel. It nearly hit the little beeing, but now it was crawling healthy away.
I felt his hands on my shoulder - Do you think that not facing with problems is a good way to regard the conflicts in your life? I can tell you it's not. I tried and failed with that. Face me, face your problems!
- You are not a problem. You are my love - I lifted my head up and looked up into his eyes - Actually, newly found and suddenly lost love of mine.
He tried to stroke my face, but I eluded from his fingers way.
- Just give me my bag back and go away, Dave. It'll be much wiser - I aksed him quietly. - You must go away tomorrow on every account.
- I can't leave you here like this. Call me a fool, Ur important to me. Actually, means a lot to me. Now, u’d say ya won’t believe it, but look into my eyes and u’d see it!
I did what he said, and I saw a sad face, a gentle one, a worried one, a loving one. My heart was aching, my soul was on fire as I as… if denying all his feelings for me I turned and rushed into the house.
I know he is something I can never have. He'll never be mine, "I know, I know..." My favourite Placebo song got into my mind for a minute, but after it I continued the walking in my living room.
I wasn't crying. I was somehow cold from the inside. "I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow..." But I know I was right. There's no future for the two of us. We are just too different from each other. It won't be a wise thing to force this "connection". And actually what kind of "connection"? Can we speak from it at all? I'm just a lover from his way among the countries. I can't be so special. I'm just a grey little mouse with her little life. I don't have big desires. I just want to keep these memories and live quietly further. I knew that it'll be just one night, or two. So it would be meaningless to complicate our lifes with useless and hopeless things. I stay here, and after the tour he goes back to Jennifer, and everyone will be at their right place. So simple, so trivial.
- Are you in? Open up, I've seen you coming in! Are you alright? You worry me to death. Are you alright? You won't do anything stupid, right? Let me in, please, let me in!
I was standing in front of the door and was listening to his worried words, then I opened the door for a bit and looked at him.
- Why, Dave? Why do you do this to me? Why can't you just go away? That's your duty. You can't stop in a place, you must go along with the tour, and let me here to live.
- Yeah, this and not leaving bleeding hearts on my way on the tour. Look, I will be sincere. I can’t say I've fallen in love with you. But you enchanted me and I like to be with you, not feeling that damn lonely when I am with you. And you, and your feelings, so moving you can love a stranger this way.
- Stranger?
- Well, you can't say I am not, this is the first time we met.
- Technically yes, but in my heart you live since, oh for such a long time.
- Yes, you mentioned it, I remember.
I was holding the doorhandle hard. My eyes were still cold. I felt myself as a fucking Icequeen!
- And what do you want from me, Dave? Tell me.
- Well, then nothing. Take care - he said - Goodbye for you - he said and turned to go away.
„I'm not going down on my knees
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can
I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me
Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted
To each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before
That I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there”
- Goodbye… Dave… - I said and was watching as he walked to the car and sat back. He looked back at me once, and went away. I felt so much pain, but it was right in this way. It must be right this way. I was just standing there for long minutes watching the point were he disappeared. Disappeared from my life. After a while I wanted to close the door, but my eyes discovered my bag and a bigger packet on the bench terrace. I knew it was the painting packed in a brown paper. I lifted them up and got into the house. My bag landed on the floor. I went to the living room and packed the painting out. It was me. No doubt. He painted me in such a beautiful way! In his style. It was coloured but somehow in a sad way. As my face was ont the pic. I was just staring at his work and dumb teardrops ran down my pale face. This two and half days were the most beautiful and painful days in my life! He gave and took so much. He took my heart with him, no matter what. Today he’ll fly away with the band and I’ll try to fix my soul and the rest of my broken heart what I still have.
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