Here Is The House

- The Darkest Star Of Mine -

By: Mauka

I dedicate this very first fick I ever wrote to my good friend Isabelle. Without her encouragement I wouldn't have written a single line, neither in English, nor in Hungarian. Thx Belle!

                                                 Chapter- I.

                    I'd been a  martyr of love and I die in  the flames, as I drove my last breath, as I close in on death, I was calling out your name...

I always wanted this song played at my funeral, now I'm pretty close to it. Home would be nice, too.  As I  tried getting oriented in the deep snow I started to think maybe I was the only one who hasn't been swept away by the sudden avalanche.

I'm really not been used to the snow yet which tries to intrude into my mouth and nostrils. I can't breathe, can't move and besides all my limbs became numb making it too hard to shovel me out of the covering snow and also from this alien and dangerous situation. I can't think straight, there is only David's majestic voice in my head, nothing but him. Is this heaven or hell? Am I still alive? 

Suddenly, I realise,  I've been swept away, too. With all the others, the whole crew of the new video for the upcoming single, all the fans and  and...JEEEZ DAVID!!!!!

Oh God, oh God, noo..not him..! It can't be, he can't  die like that,maybe he is already  choking with freezing snow.

Damn, Death's Door is coming in the loop on my iPod, it's definiently doesn't help  lifting my mood.

 Jung would say it is synchronisity or parallel happenings with a cause ties the two together, but I don't want it to be so.

             Oh, I have to find him, have to find him right now, before it would be too late, or is it late already?

I am still not able to move, I would die, too, here and now.  At least I would die with him, so we can meet in afterlife.

Faintly, I hear some grunts not far, it must be a man. I have to reach the place, so as my dear one would say, one step at a time. One hand moves, then the other, the first one again, then the other, one, two, from the invading snow I start to cough, I can't breathe, I can't breathe..

And there is a light now, if it's the light described in near death's experiences, or it is one ray of light of the sun I don't know. I continue shoveling with my bare hands which became so numb by now, that I can't feel the cold,nothing.

After quite of a struggle my face and hands are free so I can have a look around.

Blinding bright light, it hurts, it's hurting my eyes badly.

Though I cannot see, I still hear the faint groaning. I must find the exact spot under the deep snow where it comes from.  I free my body from the covering snow and start looking for the source of the sound.

         Then, I see a yellow boot, I start digging, it's near the face, the person draws in a big breath. It is a young woman, she is not unconscious, but pretty close to it. She starts crying without a sound, tears are rolling from her cheek silently and gleaming on her face as they are got frozen. She starts coughing heavily, blood's coming from her mouth, then a seizure and she lies there motionless.

I start resuscicating her, but she is unconscious, she is  breathing, but her heart rate is slowing and if I can't think of a help somekind she would die.

 The will to help her gives me strenght. I stand up straight and start looking around. Only the white mountains I see, in this remote part of New Zealand. The wind blows wildly and it's getting dark. OMG, if I stayed alive this far I should find  some way to survive this shit.

          What if I would walk around the place, there must be some sign of life.

Mountains, only mountains that's what I see in the twillight.

I go back to the young woman, she doesn't have breathing on her own anymore, I try reanimating her but in vain. There's nothing I could do without proper equipment, I bow my head , I'm helpless and I know it.

Desperation and the coming darkness descends on me. I stand there and listening to the howling sound of the icecold  gusts of wind. I'm freezing cold.

               Just give me a reason some kind of sign, I need a miracle to help me this time.

It's my iPod again, still working. David, my dear, you're damn right, we need a miracle this time..

 I stand there still,  starting to collect my runaway thoughts, try to concentrate on to just one thing, just to the only thing that can help, the bright light of inner emptiness. I try to reach and get hold on my inner self, try to submerge into subconcious, the depot of wisdom avaliable in every single person, takes a time to reach it, but here I am united with Sunnyata or the ultimate chance to find a solution of some kind in a situation like this.

Faintly, I'm still hearing that velvet bariton singing the upcoming track: Nothing's Impossible.

Yes, indeed, if you have a will you find a way.

 An especially heavy gust makes me fall into the snow, and I'm out of the meditative state of my mind, strangely aware of my surrondings, all my senses are sharper, I see better, hear better and my heart aches better in sorrow for David. I don't wanna survive if he can't make it.

But before my death there is so much to do.

I start crying  out his name  loud in the complete silence.

 Nothing.

Then again, and still no sound around except the wind and Depeche in my ears. Probably this is the first time in the crowded, noisy little world of mine when I don't enjoy the silence.

I can't help myself of thinking King Dave marching around with his little, blue deckchair..

Now it's me who is starting to cry.

        It's pitch black. The darkness, the silence is complete now. Death must come on soft paws if I am not able to hear him. I think I should dig a hole somekind which would protect me during the night preventing me to froze to death. But I don't like the idea to be covered with snow again, I just digged myself out. If I would start walking I could be lost, but maybe I find a shelter, and maybe I find my dear one, too.  If I stay here, maybe I would be found by the searching helicopters first thing in the morning, or they would find me frozen.

 Spending the night with the dead body of a woman is not very appealling, either.

 Not that I'm scared, no, I've seen too much for that.

Having forced to perform autopsies  myself while in college and having had a patient dying in my own hands without able to help her hasn't discouraged me, so another dead body won't for sure. Only the feeling being helpless  and the sorrow of lost lifes in vain that keeps me away from the place.

 I take some steps toward the woman's body, I'm down on my knees and moaning the mantra of merciness to help her in Bardo, the state before her new life.

It would be hard for her facing with all of her weaknesses and possible sins, but she would overcome them, and would have a brilliant, new chance to start again. I recitate some paragraphs from the Tibetan Book Of The Dead to give her guidance, to help her realise that she lost her body she was living in, but hasn't lost her inner self. I hope all this is  helping her to cope with her current state.

No more could be done.

           Without thinking I start walking away right into the forest. I hope somebody leads me. I'm praying to Boddhisattva Avalokitesvara, the Lord who looks down with mercy to guide my way. I hope he would. I keep on walking further to the trees moaning all the mantras I know, their good vibration should help. If you can't help yourself, ask help, also the very thoughts of David and mine.

 So this is what I did.

               I was walking all night.  Haven't seen anything, a tree from the left, a tree from the right, then a tree from the left, from the right, monotonous marching through the land covered in darkness. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't aware of my surrondings, I kept marching and marching.

 The lights of dawn coloured the snow red slowly. Beautiful colours of orange, pink and gold on the ridges of these ragged mountains  were shining majestically. My heart was filled with new hope, I was standing there ,watching this exceptional beauty.

The all night marching saved me, though I was extremely tired I was happy as well because I managed to stay alive.

I was up on a mountain slope.

I started to look for directions, started trying to find out where I am..

When I stepped out of the trees I saw the spot down where the terrible avalanche happened. So, not much road was covered during the night, I'm almost at the same place, just upper and a bit to the East.

 At least I'm alive, I thought.

             Suddenly I caught sight of someone or something lurking among the tall firs.

If it's not a bear, a mountain lion or a wolf it must be another survivor.

 My heart was pounding as anyone can tell I'm not a hero, that's why I'd chosen one for myself.

 I had no any other chance, I had to see it.

It was the little girl in my mind in Stephen King's book, The girl who loved Tom Gordon, she had to face a bear in the wilderness when she was lost and survived it.

I went closer, someone was on his knees and coughing, spitting blood all around.

So, it's another survivor I sighed in relief and not a carnivorous beast. I'm not alone anymore. But what's up with him, he is a man I decide  as I forward him and begin to see his features.

He is sick, the snow in his airways doesn't mean any good, maybe he developed pneumonia already.

I reached him and was standing behind him, he was on all fours and fought to catch up his breath. I touched his shoulders and he turned around.

 I was staring in utter disbelief. Couldn't say a word, I just stared into his tormented face.

I wanted to meet Him, Oh God ,but not this way.

When he could breathe again he started to whisper, I had to lean closer to his face to understand his words.

                Can you help me, please....

I fought hard not to start crying seeing him like this. I collected my thoughts and answered with pretended self confidence: Sure, David. Gimme your hands.

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