Chapter-XX.

                       I was happy to stay.

Suddenly he burst out. He started his talk in a husky, low voice, becoming more and more loud and passionate. He didn't really asked me anything, it was a kind of monologue. He didn't want reaction from me, he only wanted the undivided attention of someone who truly loved him.

                          Tell me, why do I do what I do?What are my real wants and needs? How am I expected to know the difference between the real and fake things in my life? I am so sorry I brought you here, I mean it shouldn't have happened. Well, Vince, I was just happy to find here someone I knew before. The old times, you see, when I was twelve years younger, partying wild and stuff. Not all the things I was involved in were bad at the time. I am not so young anymore. And I feel it. I  had to face death just too often in my life. Still, I can't comprehend the triggers that move me.Who and what programmed me into what I am today? If I am dissatisfied with my life why don't I change it? Do I even know what specifically I am unhappy with? And why I am unhappy at all when I have everything other people  can only dream about? Do I know the steps to take to change myself into the person I am, not the person I think I want to be, not the person society labels me as being, but the real me? Why I am unhappy at times? Why I am so damned restless? Why I failed to succed in my life where I wanted t? Where do these damned dreams of mine come from? Are they true dreams or dreams rooted in sickness? Why do I feel powerless? Why?

I wanted to interrupt him squeezing his hand, but with one movement of his hand he prevented me doing that. He put his hand tenderly onto my mouth and he embraced me with his other hand. I could not move nor speak.

                         Mau, we have to sort this thing out. I have my questions in my mind and I have to ask them now. This is the time. I feel confused and desperate, too much happened in my life and way too fast. I've got to sort them out. I don't even sure how aware of my body I am. How aware of the world itself? Why do I smoke cigarettes? Why did I drink in excess and took too many drugs in the past?Why I cannot fullfilling the beautiful relationship of ours? Why cannot I love you the way I should?

Now it was the very time to stop him. I felt myself as a contestant in Jeopardy, so many questions in such a short period of time. And besides it wasn't true, I mean the things he said, most of them weren't true.

                          Oh yes, you can love me right. David, honey you make me a happy woman. You always try to give the best you've got. And I accept all your love happily.

                          I see shadows in your eyes sometimes when we kiss. I know I am not the best for you.

                          Yes, you are. Those are the shadows of guilt I feel constantly. No matter how discreet we are, they are inside me, I feel I betrayed the father of my kids. I am sure I did. Our partners accepted the situation, but they are not happy with that, no way! You scare me Dave. I wish I could see into your head!

                         You'd better not, or don't you afraid of chaos?

                         I don't if it is yours. I want to share it with you. You can mingle your chaos with mine and never forget this world of wonders was created from chaos.

                         Baby, I am black and blue again. Understand me! I don't mean no harm, but when you're in my arms you come to harm.

                          Yeah, you are dangerous that's why I want you for. And loving and caring. David, look at me! Maybe I won't tell you this no more, I love you more than my own life. You are the one. You are the one for me. If you wanted reassurance here it is.

                           I know you do honey, I know it well. It's not you, it's me the defeated one. I am the one who is not able to function properly.

                           How can you say something like this? There's no one I know does it so much better. Dave, here it comes again. Returned and strikes wild, you know it, don't ya? We should bear it again, as we did last time. You need medication, again.

                           Yes, I know, I hoped it won't come this soon, this time. Nothing helps really. Not even medication. Fucking evolution, survival of the fittest. I want to fight, I want control of my will power. I want control of my emotions. I want to know why I do what I do. I don't want to be a robot on automatic pilot being moved by conditions and outside influences. I want to know. I'm mad as hell and feel betrayed by others' misconceptions, disfuncionalities and broken dreams. I want to live.

                  So nice, to hear that.  So much in love with ya. And I love you the way you are. Let it be excess drinking in the past, or bipolar depression in the present. I ain't wanna no one else, but you. I don't want you to change anything you do. I don't want you to be someone else for me.

                  Don't tell me! I am the darkest star of yours. This obsession of yours with Depeche lyrics!

                  Remember, I wouldn't be here if there wouldn't had been a band called that.

                  Yeah, that's right. And you wouldn't nursing my sore soul now. Don't ya kind of tired of it?

                   Never. That's why women were created for. You like this: Girl, you gotta love your man, taking by the hand, make him understand.

                   So true. I like this song. It is so damned true. You women help us analyzing our non- or misunderstood emotions. You are the inner core of our souls. Yeah, I am whole. At least at the times when I am with you.

                  Thank you dear, but you are whole the way you are. Never easy to be a human.

                   Sure, that's why I behave like a beast from time to time.

                   Dave!

                   Hmmm?

                   Won't you come outside  from your shell and go to swim? And baby, don't forget to take your meds!

I walked to the deck, wearing only a swimming suit and was searching my sun-tan. I was waited for him. Waited for long minutes. Than I heard his steps as he was coming  up. I knew with the secret wisdom of the heart that I needed him more then he needed me, for sure, only I was reluctant to admit it.

                        It was already too late for sailing that day, so we had lunch in a small restaurant hidden among the tall coconut palms and mango trees. The Malayan waiter was prompt to do whatever we wished. It was a strange feeling. Almost like in the colonial times. I noticed quite a lot of people here wearing the traditional clothes instead of the easily avaliable casual ones. It is just nice, it gives them grace and dignity.

We had fish again, sword fish this time. I just couldn't get enough of it. It was so fresh it would  have swum away if we would made the whole puzzle of it and threw back it to the ocean. David asked me if I want to spend the night on the boat or in our bungalow. I have chosen the later. It was so comfy and nice.

That night we went to bed early as we planned an early departure to Bali the next day.

                       This night turned out to be a horrible one. It was David. He was behaving in a different way, so strange. I noticed him speaking for himself. His skin felt itchy. He thought something touched his feet, he was crawling on the bed. By now, I knew he didn't take his medicine, either because he hadn't found it or because of the side effects, which were serious indeed. Slowed him down to a degree where he couldn't think and speak properly. He didn't want that. One of his biggest fear was to crack, turning to schizo. Sadly, it was a possible chance, as some drugs he used regularly for long long years ( like speed) inducated the lurking inherited susceptibility for the illness. And only God knows it better, severe, recurring depression was the curb of schizophrenia if it occured in the family. I didn't know anything about Dave ancestors, though. It would had been damned useful if I had. There is a huge difference dealing with a frightened person with an acute psychological event or a schisophrenic one. It was an urgent task to get him his medicines, but under no circumstances could I leave him alone. I couldn't call a doctor. I couldn't let him admitted into a mental institute. I called Jonathan to help me decide what to do. He said, David had his medicines in multiple places, in case he was alone and something happened. He had the same medicine in different pockets and bags. He said Dave's behaveour was kind of obsessive lately.He said he could come here if it is necessary and that I should call him if his state worsens.

Worsening? He was in a fearful state already.  He didn't recognise me.He was talking to the rain which began to fall. I was scared to death and my heart sank. His voice was a tortured whisper at first, then screams of blame and condemnation. He thought he saw movements in the dark. His eyes were wide open in terror. He leaped from the bed with a yell and stepped down onto the radio, it erupted into a static that screamed damnation. Insanity was a manifestation standing before him with a giant mouth full chipped and bloody teeth trying to swallow him.

He punched and kicked at the darkness as he raced to the door and fell into the hallway. He constantly was looking back  if it was a monster there hunting him down, being in his heel, eating his sanity away. He leapt down the stairs and out the front door, into the night.

I was sobbing in desperation. I felt so sorry for him, his mental state broke my heart. I didn't know what to do. The night was close, it comes so suddenly in the tropical areas.

He would be in total darkness, only with his madness as a company. He is so scared like a child. Oh, how I wished I could take the pain for him! I had to made a prompt decision. I felt I have to get some professional help. Or would it be better if I would try to find him in the jungle? I was in turmoil. Alone I am not enough helping him when raging. Still. I took a backpack, a lamp, a map, some food, drinks, a blanket and his medicines and I was off to search for him.

                       I tried to follow a narrow path up to the hill and tried to stay on the road in the torrential rain. I tried to run, but I was slipping in the mud again and again. After half an hour of crawling I heared a roar. And my heart knew what it was. He roared into the darkness, up the side of the volcano. After a few minutes as I got closer I saw him standing on a rock and I heard him yelling. I could hear his unarticulated voice:Come to me! Only it wasn't me who he was calling. He was talking with his demons which held his soul tight and wanted to strangle him. For a terrible moment I thought he would leap himself off the rock. In acute psychotic episodes suicidal attempts are pretty common. He began to run again. Up and up he clawed his way screaming with madness, his face gleamed in the moonlight like white bones. Beasts and spirits were dancing with a rabid joy around his soul, scratching and nibbling at it with a greedy hunger. Because the one, huge lonely shadow he cast he seemed to strech the physical limitations of his body as it streched across the terrain through the rain and mud , over rocks, through trees and around boulders. He was like he could feel the heart of the Earth under his heels contemplating a build in pressure, so that he could shake the disease, he could find a release from the hellfire blazing in his very soul. His poor soul seemed to be trapped in that boiling inferno. He was all alone and bitter, all alone and mad. He was clawing his face with his fingers. I was out of balance and fell into the mud again. I tried to get up, I was on my knees and sobbing hysterically. I didn't want to see him like this, I just wanted to die instead. When I gained my breath back and was able to think more clear I started to muse on the possibility that he had something and this is a poisoning. Could it be, he took drugs when we were on Vincent's boat? Not likely, he wouldn't do anything like that. But how would I know it? How much I know him? Like not at all? We haven't spent so much time together, after all. Or is it something else, a food poisoning or what?  The only thing I knew was that, I had to help him somehow.

I went on climbing up on the volcano. And then I saw a light from in between the trees.There was a cabin, a fire was burning within. I approached, it was a horrible, wretched cottage barely visible from behind the twisted and mangled trees and bushes that sprouted from it like an infection. It looked like a giant headstone marking an unholly death.

I was standing there and the door opened for me and I stepped inside. David was inside, too. Thanks god! It was hot like an oven, a fire was burning in the fireplace, the floors creaked. It was dusty and filled with strange books and unidentifiable things. A table was by the fire, two chairs and in one of them sat Ramesh.  He seemed to be in a trance, in some sort of meditation. I heared when we walked on the market that a saint, a hermit lives there in seclusion. His name was Guru Ramesh. Dave was lying on his side, his eyes were empty, but he was breathing. His uncontrollable spastic fit seemed to cease slowly. His soul returned to his body at last.His mouth was bloody as if he was eating his own tongue out of sheer madness.His body was mud stained, bloody, the body of a madman. Until now a force moved him that he could not break. He was all calm now. Breathed normally and spirit filled his eyes again. He was himself again. I felt a strange, unearthly presence, I felt someone in my mind. It communicated with me and perhaps with Dave, too. I heard this voice in my head, it was talking right to me: "Your man said he didn't want the evils of the universe. He had a body who was rejected its purpose, its soul, phasing in and out, allowing to be filled with evils. He said he wanted freedom, he didn't realise it that he already got it. Help him accepting him to himself, my daughter! Help him, because you can, because you understand, because you love him. He must realise evil is an illusion. In the Universe only exists balance, love. Evil is only in the minds of men, created by men, created by him, just a paper monster. He is moved not by the forces of nature, but by the forces of men, by the forces he creats for himself. My daughter, take your man home and love him as well as you can as he needs to be loved more than anything else in this world. If you love him right, he would be alright from now on, he won't need medicines otherkind than your love. Now, go my child!"

I bowed deeply in front of the hermit thanking him the wonder he made. Meanwhile David stood up and he bowed himself, too in front of Ramesh. I grabbed his hand and the two of us stepped out to the stary night, the raining ceased, the sky was cloudless, even the stars looked brighter tonight, we both knew well: Nothing is impossible.

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