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Chapter 21
2007.06.26. 10:49
Chapter-XXI.
From now on I had zero tolerance toward any factors that could disturb him for several days. His restless spirit had to have a break. He was painting. Seeing his sketches I couldn't help myself thinking about Van Gogh paintings he made in the mental institute in Saint-Remy, all blue and green, shadowy. I hoped and prayed for him, for him staying sane. He acted now normally, like always, except that one night. When we reached our bungalow I made him a fine bath and gave him a massage. I wanted him to sleep. He didn't want to. Wanted something else. He got it and now he was relaxed and calm. Was able to sleep. We were snogging for a long time, he wanted me close to him. I wanted him close to me. We weren't talk about the happenings, it was too early to do that. Maybe tomorow or the day after. I didn't pretended to understand the events either. All was kind of supernatural and unexplainable. I was way too happy to see him safe and sound. Only his eyes were so damned sad! Now I understood the secret of his misterious puppy eyes what every single fan of his loved so much. The secret was the sadness buried deep within him. What I saw wasn't just a sadness because of this unfortunate episode, but it showed all the world's suffering. It was the eyes of a Buddha. The eyes of Gautama Siddharta just before realising enlightment and found all the sorrow in the world and didn't know a way out. Yet. Later he did.
I hope my David would reach the same realisations too. He was now sleeping, breathing calmly next to me, a dark angel sent to me. From where he came it's hard to say, this black angel was to guide my way. Now, that we are lovers, we both discover each other. A strong emotion filled me, I wanted him stay. Not until tomorow but forever and ever, until the world collides. He started to move, then he's awakened.
He opened up his eyes to see a world with so much pleasure, not pain.
Do you remember how was it being a child?-he asked me with a solemn face. I remember things I was doing for the first time. The first time I jumped off the high board at the pool, the sleepy summer afternoons I spent mastering the art of gliding on my bike without touching the handlebars, or the days at the sea, when my father held me in his arms as the incoming waves joshed me up and down. Do you remember them?
Yeah, I do. My grandparents' farm with all the animals and the orchard which was fragnant and beautifully coloured when blooming at springs. And the big walnut tree, on which I could spent whole afternoons reading my fav books for the tenth time. And all the dogs we had during these long years, the ones I grew up with.
Yeah, it was so nice. Still, I think now it is a bitter- sweet joy mixed with sadness, because the nostalgia we feel,as that was a time free of responsibility and full of discovery.
What was that damned good in experiencing them was a kind of primal, never to come back again. I mean you do things for the first time just once.
These experiences of firsts were strange, they bypassed my brain and went straight to my heart. This is the ultimate in living in the moment. When I was a child it was all natural. Now, I have to try it very hard to master it, living in the moment and don't care about the past or future. Hard to reach this state of mind, when you don't think at all, but you feel everything inside and outside with heightened awereness.
True. But the child is still living inside me and inside you, too. You sure feel it. You are the most sensual creature the faith allowed me to meet. Yes, you are so good in living your emotions to the full and living according to them.
Oh, you, you are this kind one, always praising me. True, I'm a no-brainer, most of the time I act before I think, probably it's not the best or wisest to do. Your praise drives me, motivates me to do more for myself, for you and for all. You inspirate me. The real praise is your recognition for me.
That's why I was talking about first ones. This is the first time I meet someone like you. There's no one other like you. Embracing you is embracing novelty, he said and took me into his arms. I put my head onto his chest and was listening to his heartbeat, the sweetest sound ever. I was sure I was in the cente of the universe in his arms and this sound was the rhytm of life.
After a couple of days the ship of the commander's nephew was still anchored in our bay. I called him and cautiosly asked if we could still have it, as we haven't succed to reach Bali yet. He kindly allowed it for us, so we could use the boat for a further week. David was still keen on sailing all alone, and I was still frightened. It's hardly a wonder after the recent events. Next morning we were off. For my suprise it seemed that David did knew how to sail properly. When I asked him he assured me, that he had previous sailing experiences. We were on the open sea now, just the big blue and beyond.
Bali is situated east of Java and eight degrees south of the equaitor. It has Denpasar as it's provincial capital, near the southern coast. The island itself was surrounded coral reefs, and Dave was more than happy as he was up to some snorkeling and underwater spearing. And what was my fav on Bali were the mountain ridges. It seems our little adventure in New Zealand couldn't kill the love for the peaks in me. I still loved the heights. Bali was special regarding its beaches too. It had all, whitesand on the beaches on the south and black on the north. And Padangbai in the south-east has both, this was the place we were heading. Dave said it has secluded, beautiful lagunas. I loved the idea of "Blue Lagoon". Nobody just us, swimming naked in the crystal clear, smaragd water. Really nice, isn't it?
Even the weather was great, nice sunshine with the proper amount of wind to sail easily. I was laying in my hammock and, as always, I was watching David, err, Captain Dave. He was behind the wheel, he wasn't wearing a uniform, though he would have been looking gorgeous in one, only a sarong. To tell the truth he seemed to be more like a pirate, than a captain. All his tatoos were gleaming from sweating. It was a humid hot, quite hard to endure, but the constant breeze helped a lot. He said we would reach Bali before twillight. I was very happy. It would scared the shit out of me, spending the night in the open water at night in pitch black.
And we arrived all right and anchored in a small bay. We had our dinner on the boat, bread, cheese and fruits, life's simple pleasures. Then went to bed, which were hammocks this time. I wanted to sleep under God's starry sky. There was a huge moon floating on the water and sparkling stars all above me. Dave came to me and wrap his arms around me.
Are you happy with me Mauka?
Of course I am.
I am glad to hear that, hon. Now, can you tell me what I was exactly doing on that crazy night of mine?
Well, yes, of course, I answered and I told him every single thing, didn't left out one. He was grateful for my sincerity toward him.
And you still think I am the one for you.
I do. You are my family, not by birth but by my choice. I love you above all.
Thank you, that's all I wanted to hear, he answered and kissed me tenderly. We were just standing there, lovers of each other, embracing one another.
His eyes were still sad and he was tired. It was about time, it began to hurt. Now, even his age was showing. He had a lack of emotional energy now, a lack of aliveness of the mind and spirit that connected him to the vitality and fun of life. He suffered from emotional fatigue, a kind of utter exhaustion of the spirit. But I loved my sad Dave too. This was just one among his many faces. His eyes were like he wanted to reclaim life's meaning.
Oh, how I would like to be more decisive!-he broke out.
What do you mean by this?
It would be nice if I would be able to make decisions easier.
Decisions like, what?
Dunno.
But you were thinking about something.
About you. You and me.
Don't wanna leave me, do you?- I asked him with terror in my eyes. He saw it and tried to soothe me.
No, no, no. That would be the last thing in the world for me to do . I just wanna let my heart speak even when my mind is at a loss for words. I'm afraid, I never would be able to thank you all those things you did for me...
You already did. You love me. That is more than enough for me and I don't want anything else except your love. Our love is my rebellion against everything what is ecxpected from me. I crave for our guilty pleasures, and it is such a satisfying feeling that I am getting away with it. Guilty pleasures make the world a little bit more wonderful. I love to be naughty, David!
Hmmm, marvellous! And I love you being naughty. Especially when I am in the center of your naughty attention! He kissed my neck and I was lit by his kiss. No, no it wasn't lighting me, it was something with a constant nature. It was more like I was an oil-well on fire. I am not sure if ever anyone could have been extinguished a burning oil-well until the oil was out. Then, only the stars saw what he did to me to my greatest pleasure. So much pleausure that it must be sin. No excuses to give, he was the one I was with. I was a slave in this reality, I was him and he was me.
On the following morning we started to explore the island Bali. I wanted to see an authentic Balinese dancers' performance, called Legong Keraton. This dance was created in the 18th. Century and its meaning was " the dancer of the palace". It is the most grateful of Balinese dances. The legong, as the dancer is known, is often a young girl, rarely older than her early teens.It was advertised as a unique experience to take part in. I was sure we'd like it, both of us liked the art of dance. I think there is an incredible grace and harmony in their movements.
After we got the tickets we were sitting in the front row waiting for the performance to begin. Then it'd begun. Each of the dancers were playing different characters. The dances consisted various parts, all were portraying stories from Hindu eposes as Ramayana and King Larean. It was amazing to watch. We were watching it with straining every nerve in us. Lulled by the monotonous, still so nice and relaxing music.
Before we knew it it was already over. I took a look onto my cell two whole hours passed like nothing.
It was marvellous, I wanna talk with the tutor or teacher or somebody in charge , said Dave.
Do you want to ask something, I asked.
Well, I'd rather want him or she taught some movements for me, I wanna learn them if it is possible, he answered.
I noticed an elder man in all black who was talking with the lovely ladies who danced before. David approached him.
Are you Sir, the teacher of dance, here?
Yes, I am. Can I help you?
Well, yes, I think. I was wondering if it is possible for a foreign tourist to learn some of the movements from your beautiful dances. Me myself and my girl-friend would be happy if you could teach us.
Well, I don't know. I am not sure anything could be learnt in an interval of a couple of hours, but if you fancy it, we can give it a try.
Oh, thank you very much. Excuse me, I am rude. My name is David Gahan, and this lady here is Emese.
I'm glad to meet you both, he shook hands with us and led us backstage. What a strange feeling could it be for David him going to backstage. He followed closely the elder man whose name was Sri Ramakrisna Dharmaveda. I was in their back. And after me the dancers were coming, chatting along in their colourful costumes. They were awesome, looking really exotic. They went to their dressing rooms, we entered into a great hall. The floor was made of bamboo and there were mirrors all around on the walls. It must have been the place where the dancers held their rehearsals.
Sri Ramakrisna was looking at David, he was literally staring him. It was pretty strange for me. Then I realised what was happenning, he examined his body structure. He asked him to do exactly what he was showing him and he did some slow movements. And Dave made them right after him. Sri Ramakrisna watched him closely. He showed more intricate ones and Dave copied them like nothing. The old man seemed truly satisfied.
May I ask you Mr. Gahan how old are you, he asked with suprise.
I am 45.
Well, nice. You are very flexible. Are you a dancer yourself?
Oh, no. I am a singer. But I do, well, some kind of, hmm coreography on stage while performing.
Can you show it to me, he asked.
You'd better not, I whispered to Dave's ears, he would suffer a sudden heart failure and we would be expelled from this country forever. Their dances are all sacral and stuff. Your's is anything but sacral. He gave a wild grin to me.-Don't you fear, I spare him from the worst, would be no grabbing. He showed some of his movements, shy at first, then he did it as he would be on stage giving a gig. When he showed Sri Ramakrisna the eagle-flying it seemed he was clearly impressed.
That is just elegant and nice, we have a similar dance. You already do it as you were a Balinese dancer yourself.
Well, he has some Malayan descendants, so it must be in his blood, I said.
Is it true, Mr. Gahan?
Actually, it is. Yes.
The oldman bowed in front of Dave and greeted him in Malayan. Which we couldn't understand of course, but after he translated it into English. He greeted him as you greet a long lost family member. It was so moving. David thanked it, and moved by strong emotions he embraced the old man. I was standing by the wall and made some snapshots. Later, I got it enlarged and framed it for him. Sri Ramakrisna now hadn't hesitate at all, he taught the movements to Dave and he practised them diligently. Again and again, until they became perfect. He quickly learned and memorised them and performed the dance with calm dignity and grace. It was a sacral dance, yes, and he was the divine hero in it. This part fitted him so well! He was sheer beauty. The lines from Condemnation came into my mind: " Because my duty was always to beauty, that was my crime". Exactly. It is his duty to entertain us, to express himself with his voice and movements, with his lyrics.
A woman came in and brought tea and fruits. The old man said something to her and after a couple of minutes two dancers came to take me away. They wanted to teach me, but to do this we had to go into another room. In the room there were about five or six dancers, all dancing. One of the ladies took my hand and led me to the wall. She started to show me that delicate dance we saw on the show. I tried to copy her, but no way could I be as graceful as she was. Nevertheless, I tried it as hard as I could. After a while it become easier and I could move together with other dancers. I thoroughly enjoyed dancing, the music, the rhytim, the moves. As I lifted my head I noticed Sri Ramakrisna and David in the doorway looking at us. I've blushed and stopped dancing. Go on, don't stop, they asked. And I went on with it, but felt myself ackward and clumsy. Thanks God, my ordeal was soon over. I thanked the ladies for their helping contribution and then stepped to Dave.
-This kind gentleman, Mr. Ramakrisna invited us to a special event which would be held tomorow. It would be a dancing ceremony and feast. He wants me to participate in it, dancing a role, don't you mind it?
-No, not at all.
-Right then, we have to say goodby for today, nodded David to the old man, who waved a hand as we left the theatre.
When in the street Dave tried to tell me something, only he had to search for the words which weren't come easily to him. He was overwhelmed by the experience we had.
-Let's sit into a bar and have a coffeee, dear!
-You want to tell me something, don't you?
-Yes, dear, I, I ...don't know how to begin it. It come to my mind while I was dancing. Strange, dancing acted as a catalisator for my thoughts.. I was thinking about the new solo project and you and...
-Dave, tell me, cause it's killing me hearing you stuttering.
-Here, I wanna spend more time with you.
-okay.
-I mean the two of us..
-What?
-Wanna live with you.
-...................
-Say something!
-You left me speechless, again!
-I know, I know, I even suspect what would be your answer.
-David, I..
-Never mind it, I know, it is just came out of me, cause if I would do the solo project, would be so busy with it and I won't have the chance meeting with you much and I don't wanna lose you.
I took his face into my hands and kissed his mouth passionately and lengthy.
-You know I love you, don't you? I can't live without you. Only, I can't live with you either.
He bowed his head being rather sad.
- But I want you around me. I would miss you badly, he said and grabbed my hands firmly.
- Sorry, I can't help it Dave, love!
- But at least move in with me for the few months till I finish all the work that is going along with my solo. You would, wouldn't you?
- I will, I promise. The studio you rent is near to our flat after all and I can go home when you are busy, can be with the kids and Laci. So, it's okay for me.
- Thanks God you said yes. I wouldn't be able to make it without you, honestly.
- You're so cute being so affectionate with me and I love that I mean so much for you. Thank you, my love.
- You make me melt in my heart everytime you say" my love" to me, he said and put his arms around my neck. I felt myself so loved, so secured, so happy with him. I was amazed he wanted me this much, but realised though he is not easy saying that, but if he got love somebody he wants that person to be enterily his. He wants me belong to him and only to him.
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