Chapter 19

We felt asleep only to get alerted to a loud cry after a while. Mia was hungry and the lil lady made it obvious she doesn't take it any more, she said: Mum, food, now!

I got off of him with a sleepy smile, and planted a kiss on his mouth, then went to the lil lady's room. As I looked into the mirror on  the way, I laughed loud. I was covered with black, gold and red paint. Even my face was coloured. So I hurried to the bathroom to clean at least my breasts, then went back to Mia and fed her.
- Oh my, here's somebody really-really hungry - I whispered as I looked down at her. She was sucking nearly painfully, but I didin't mind, just held her with love in my hands.

When she ate enough I rocked her in my arms taking her out of the room to his father. She was three months old now, she could roll on to her tummy and back. And she enjoyed doing this, giggling aloud when she succed. Dave was caressing her back and talked to her sweetly.

- She developed a lot - I said smiling as her little legs and hands were moving in the air then she turned on her lil tummy again and grabbed Dave's thumb.

- Always in the  move like me - he noted - Oh yeah, she is like me, even her features resemles at me.
- Not a big wonder, you are her father!
- I know, I know. I meant her gestures. Look at her, she purses her lips, how cute she is!

Mia looked and felt that we had all our attention on her and she enjoyed it. She made funny noises with her lil mouth and put her father's thumb into her mouth.
Dave laughed, Mia looked up at him as she heard that noise. Her father freed his thumb and lifted her over his chest, so she was in the air moving her legs and arms.
- Oh, how I love you, lil Mia! - he said with a wide smile on his face.
Our daughter was smiling and made little screams of joy when he moved her up and down in the air.

I awake crying next morning. Those horrible nightmares again. David laying dead and we are at his funeral. I was crying like mad. He tried to console me, mostly in vain. I fed Mia and we had a very quiet breakfast together. Everything was ready, then a rang, Dr. McCanna has arrived. Dave introduced us each other and told him that what privy apartman we want, because the whole family goes. I saw Proinsias liked me from this moment. He was an old and very good friend of David who cared for him so much. He wanted the best for him.

- It doesn't matter, we just want to be as close to Dave as it is possible - I said quietly.
The doctor smiled at Mia who was in my arms and nodded. Maybe he felt how much Dave meant for me.
We grabbed our stuffs and went to the hospital. I had fear in my heart. I felt it from the very depths of me as we stepped into the hospital.

Something wasn't right with Dave. His eyes showed atavistic fear, he was frightened to death, when a nurse wanted to take his blood he refused cooperation. Pron came and he convinced him that this is absolutely necessary. It was strange, because David wasn't scared of pain. On the contrary, he enjoyed it on occasions when we were making love… I found his reaction really strange.

I asked Pron if I could stay by Dave's side, and he nodded. I whispered calmly in my love's ear, while he was holding my hand really stong. After a while his grab wasn't so firm and while he was listening to my words, he finally let the nurse took his blood. But he was looking straight into my eyes the whole time. It was a bit spooky.

- Don't be surprised Nat - told Pron to me - He always acts like this since he...well, he'd been on the other side and came back. He has very serious fears since then. And God knows, I can't blame him. I try to help him, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. We try to find the right dose in his medication, he has to stay here for two or three days to enable us seeing if it is effective. And monitoring the possible side effects. So, be as patient with him as you can. He told me a lot about you and your relationship and it helps him a lot to keep his illness at bay.

- Alright, Doctor. I'll try my best. I know that we are important for him - I nodded seriously - I don't know too much about his illness, or  this side of him, but I try to accept it's "presence" and help him as much as I can.

- Sorry Baby - he said after everyone else left the room - I know I act irrationally, but I can't help it. I am scared in the hospital like a child. Since....
I hugged him tight. - I know, I know, Pron told me, ssh, no prob for me, I am here with you.

I sat beside him on the side of the bed and I was stroking his bare shoulders with my fingers.
- I put on my T-shirt, it's cold here - he shivered.

I let him dressed up and after it I was just stroking his face gently.
- You know, Dave, that you can count on me. I'm at your side, no matter what.

- I know it. You are still here by my side. Whatever happened this far with me, with us, you are still here. Thank you. Look at Mia, look at her - he cried.

I did and saw it. Mia was on all fours, keeping herself with her tiny hands, balancing herself and giggling at us.

My heart was melting.
- Oh my! - I clapped my hands together and a big smile appeared on my worried face - What have we here? A clever girl! Look, dear, she tries to crawl to you!

Mia appearantly made him so happy. He jumped from the bed and kneeled down to his daughter, stroking her face. Mia looked at him and gave a big laugh. She was happy seeing her father. Daddy's big face right in front of her eyes. I was just as happy. I was like Mia, I could laugh with joy whenever I laid my eyes on my man.

And he gently grabbed Mia and lifted her over his head again. She always liked this. Her laugh went louder and she clapped her little hands a few times from happiness. Dave was suddenly like a child. So happy and carefree. The dark shining from his eyes disappeared as he was playing with his daughter, who was giggling again as her father kissed her all over.

Then it was time feeding her. After eating she always slept for long hours. I curled to Dave and we were watching telly again. I was laughing and took the remote from him, it was Depeche Top Ten on MTV, I was curious how long he can watch it.

We were already by the 7th place with Stripped, when I feel you came. He quietly asked me to swich it off. I knew right at that moment why he asked it. The shadows of the past ran through his face again. He buried his head into my neck and held me tight.

- Sorry, love - I whispered.

- You shouldn't. It was me, not you, who.......who comitted..those...err..terrible movements....I called dance at the time - he whispered and bit the back of my neck gently - But my choreography became better with time..
- You mean the grabbing? - I laughed.
- Well, not exactly… Nah, it's not what was in my mind.

- Then... maybe you should tell me what was in your mind - I sighed and stroked his upperarm while he was still kissing and licking my neck.
- Hmmm... I'll better show you... - he replied and made me lay on my back me down under him as he started kissing my lips.
- Dave...
- Hmm?
- Are you.. sure?
- Like Hell... - he whispered into my mouth and gave a bit more passionate kiss.

What could I do? Of course I replied it and let him start to undress me. We had time, so his movements weren't quick. I guess he was a bit slower than usual, maybe from the bloodloss. But his lips were hungry, and wanted just me. I gladly let him do whatever he wanted. His hands found those spots on my body which could turn me on in a sec. He used his knowledge very well, and... so did I...

- Dave, I think they have here cameras. No matter how posh this place is it's a ..well...
- Say it! It's a mental institute. For jaded stars like me - he sat up. His mood was rapidly changing, he placed his face into his open palms and was softly moaning of emotional pain.

- Don't torture yourself, dear - I said quietly, holding my shirt together on me and touching his shoulder gently. But he slid further a bit, so my fingers ran off of him. - You're not jaded. You’re someone with deep feelings.
- Such a jerk! - he interrupted me.
- No. I love you just the way you are, I've told you earlier. And I didn't change my mind.
I hugged him and this time I didn't let him shake my hands off.

We stayed like that for a while, right until Pron was back with his first dose of medicine, he gave it to him intravenously, David was  shaking like a leaf. It was more than painful seeing him like that. As the medicine dipped slowly into his veins he started murmuring something and went to sleep at once.
- It's no good - said Pron with worry in his voice - He shouldn't had to sleep from this dose. We should alter the combination! Nurse, bring the other one, please!
There he was, my beloved David, on drugs again. It didn't matter they are other kind of chemicals, they were drugs, no doubt. He was laying there uncouncious and helpless. My tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted to scream: NOOO! But I didn't of course. Pron only tried to help him.

I couldn't see him like that. It scared the hell out of me, but I remined silent and softly picked up the sleeping Mia, then went outside to let Pron and the nurse do their job. I decided to have a walk down in the beautiful garden with our daughter. The sun was shining a bit powerless, the wind was playing with the branches of the trees. We were near to december.

We, indeed, had to stay just for two days. Pron was a skilled and highly professional psychiatrist and he soon found out what would work for Dave. David was much better and we could go home. The next day was Thanksgiving and there was always a big family festivity on this day. The families gathered and spent some time together. A bit reluctantly I called Jen and told him Dave is feeling better and we go home. Though, I felt some guilt in her voice she invited us for dinner the next Friday.  I said ok, if Dave wants to go. I was wondering what is the thing I can bear and what is not. What if.... Two hands sneaked to my waist and a deep voice whispered to my ears: - Hey, what is it?

- Eh. Nothing. It was just Jen - I put my cell down on the nearby table.
- And?
- I called her to inform her about you, and she invited us for dinner tomorrow. Do you have a mood to go there? - I asked and took care not to show my strange feelings about this.

- You don't want me to go there.
- I am not against it, but I am afraid that it could happen again.
- It won't happen again.
- David, you see, women has strange feelings, premonitions... sixth sense or intuation, call whatever you want to call it - David didn’t answer me. - She is still loving you, right? And you! You are still loving her!

- Nat... please don't do this to me. I'm just after a depressive period, I don't want to fall back.
- You don't answer me... alright - I replied silently - Then... we'll talk this through after tomorrow. Sorry if I cause you more problems, but you know me well, I think. And you know that I'm jelious. Yes, I am - I nodded when I saw surpirse on his face - Don't say you didn't see it yet. Anyway, please call Jen back, I need to jump down to the shop. See after Mia.
- Right - he sighed.
And I left the flat. I think I was a bit fed up with the thought that I'm not just the only and one woman who loves him with love - and now I didn't mean the thousands of fans. I meant Jennifer. His ex-wife. „Ex-wife, huh?”  A bitter smile appeared on my face as I stepped out from the buliding. I was curious how the next evening will be...

I was reading a book on renessaince painters when next day Dave arrived home, bringing along Jimmy and Fluffy with him, who got his obligatory jab agains rabies( rabidity) at the Vet. I was so happy to see them. Called Rosie out of her room too and decided to visit an amusement park together that afternoon.

The kids and even Dave had fun in the park. He was like a little boy again. I was happy to see him alright again and put my dark thoughts away. After I tried the roller coaster while Dave stayed with Mia, I decided that it is better to stay with the little princess on the ground. My stomach wasn't so strong as I imagined. But after all we spent a great afternoon together and my mood was a bit better. I was ready to have that lunch tomorrow with Jenny.

- Nat, dear, tonight I have to meet with Jack and his mother. They will come too tomorow evening, would you like to join me? I want to introduce you them, we could bring lil Mia too.
- Jeez, Daviey, are you became the follower of Islam? You've got a whole harem (zenana) now! - I pointed out half smiling, half in disbelief.

He laughed.
- Don't worry, dear. I just have a good connection with the mothers of my children, that's all.
- Aha. A bit too good... - I whispered.
- Don't be jelous, hon - he embraced me with his storng arms - We are really just friends with Jo.
- OK, OK, it's not really my business. Of course I go with you and bring our lil star, if you want.
- Yeah, I'd be happy.
I smiled a bit and gave a little kiss on his mouth, but he hold me back when I wanted to step away and planted a more passionate kiss on my lips.
- I love just you with my whole heart - he whispered into my mouth in a husky voice, and he grabbed my bottom with his hands - Should I prove it?

- I guess so – I grinned - Fuck me hard Dave, as hard as you can. And even harder. I want to feel you.
- You will feel me, for sure - he said as he started to tear my clothes off with one hand and turning the key in the lock of the bedroom with the other.

We were kissing in a wild tempo. He jagged my panties down, rolled my rock up and pushed me on the bed with harsh and wild desire burning in his eyes.
- Come on, Dave! Rape me! - I whispered - Fuck me till it hurts next to joy! - I scrached the back of his head with my nails.
He growled a loud one and pinned me to the bed, my hands over my head, legs parted wide, my clothes cocked up. His teeth bruised my lips in a rough kiss. I moaned and shouted as he rammed inside completely with one quick and hard push.

I cried in joy and pain. He moved faster and faster panting wildly in my neck, sweatdrops covering his forehead and chest. I loved when he behaved like an animal, a cave-man, a beast. He held my two hands up grabbing them strongly and he pushed himself into me. Climax came as a blitz, all went white and I couldn't see, I had to shut my eyes from the intensity of my orgasm and of his too. He was groaning like a wolf on its pray, tearing it to pieces with those white fangs. He kissed and bit my neck at the same time and then rolled down from me, pulling me with himself, closing me into his arms, both of us fighting to breath.

- Oh my... oh my... Dave, I just love when... you're so rough... - I panted on his chest - Ah, I love it when your teeth sink into my flesh... I love you! - I ended half-conscious from my orgasm.

We had dinner together, just some sandwiches and we were in bed watching tv, when Jonathan called Dave. I sighed, they could talk for hours.

After they finished, Dave said that he'll have some business with him on the next weekend and he invited us to his house to spend the weekend at him, so they'll have enough time to discuss things and we can learn each other better. Dave always talked about him  like one of his nearest friends. And I could understand it, cuz John was there for DM from nearly the beginning.

- Okay, it's okay for me. Just the three of us?
- Yepp.
- He is a really good friend of yours, right?
- Oh yes, he is my best friend!

- Then, I hope I can know him better during that weekend.
- Sure you'll. He's really nice. A gentleman.
I smiled and gave him a short kiss - Just like you in your best moments.
- Just in my best moments? - he outraged but the smile was in the corner of his lips, and he started to tickle me. I was laughing loud and begged him for forgiveness.

Next day as the evening and the dinner by Jen came, I got a bit nervy while I prepared Mia for the short trip to the other flat. I hid my cloudy feelings from Dave and acted natural. Then we were off with Rosie and Mia.

The flat was full of people already. It seemed we were the last to arrive. Every single lamp were on and the place was stuffed with scented candles. I looked at Dave and saw a huge smile on his face, he was happy to be together with all the people he loved, his-bigger-family. And there stood Jack, who came to his father broadly smiling and gave him a man's hug. Dave looked at him proudly, he got a new job and he was doing well in it. David stepped to Jo and embraced her, kissing her cheeks. Then Jimmy jumped in to his neck, and was talking and talking. Jo took lil Mia into her arms, so we could take our coats off. When I looked up Jennifer stood right next to me and greeted me with-a new thing for sure-a shy and careful smile. And I forgave her in that moment in my heart, I suddenly felt, not understood, but felt how hard it is for her.

I returned her smile honestly. I think I saw a little relief in her eyes, but before I could analyze it better, Mia's voice grabbed my attention. Jo tried to calm her, but she started to cry.
- Don't worry, there's no problem, she's just hungry again - I smiled and took my lil from her - Just need a room where I can feed her.
- Oh, come to the bedroom, you can be alone with her there - Jen invited me helpfully.

I fed Mia and showed her around a bit in her wider family. Her siblings greeted her and played with her.
- Dad, what about becoming a grandfather? - turned Jack to his father.
David spit out the coke he drank - Jack!
- Relax, Dad, just a joke!
- Very funny, indeed! - Dave was coughing - What a lame joke!
Jack was laughing: - Hey Dad, apple from its tree, huh?

- Yeah, but you don't need to follow your silly father's path - he smiled - And anyway... don't make me a grandfather. I'm too young! - he complained  gleefully.
I was laughing out loud.
- What?! - Dave looked at me.
I leered at Jack.

- Nothing, nothing, I just have a vivid imagination. I saw you in a rocking-chair with a guitar in your hands on the porch in your seventies, ala Johnny Cash.
- Good old Johnny, yeah, that would be nice.
- But Dad, what would you say if it would be actually true?
- You weren't kidding Jack, ay? Are you and your girlfriend expecting a baby?
- We don't know it yet. But it seems so.

-  Oh my... - he was just staring at his son wordless for a few seconds.
- Dad? - asked Jack quietly - Are you OK?
I was curious how Dave’ll react.

- Ok, Jacky, you must be certain at first. And we'll see afterwards. Son, you made me ten years older than I am!
- Sorry Dad.
- What Aurelie said? Is she alright?
- Daddy, yu'r her father-in-law.
- Jack! - David was gasping for air for a minute - Are your mother knows anything about this?

- Yeah, mum was the first who we'd let to know about or marriage - he said - I hope you won't be mad, dad.
- No... no... it's just.. uhm... a bit sudden for me - he gulped from his coke and sat down on the sofa's armrest.
- We didn't want to tell this per phone. And I could met with you just now since then.
- Ahm... I understand...
- We didn't want a big marriage celebration. Just the two of us and the witnesses. Sorry if we hurt you...

- Congrats Son, then. Where is she by the way?
- She had to stay at home, because of her work, she wasn't able to come, sorry.
- When will you know if it.......
- Tomorow, maybe the day after.
- Ur so young!
- I know.
- Anyway, I am happy if ur happy Jack. But still! To imagine myself as a grandpa! It's crazy!

- I know dad...
- I'm sure that you'll be a great grandpa - I hugged his waist with my free hand and smiled at him.
- Uhhh - he replied just this. I saw still disbelief in his eyes - It's crazy that if you become parents too - he looked at Jack - then Mia and the baby'll be near the same age! - he looked back at our daughter who was craning her little hands towards him and was giggling.

Dave put Mia into Jack's arms - Now son, here, u should get used to it!
- Dad, how it is being a father? How does it feel?

I helped Jack how to hold Mia who was examing her eldest brother profoundly.
- If you two are lucky, you'll see it soon - he smiled at last.
- But that's not sure yet, and I asked it in general. You have now four children. How does it feel?
- Really good. There isn't a better thing than being proud when your child reach her or his goal, no matter in what. If your child is happy, you are happy, if they are sad, you are sad. But I think the best thing in my life is that I have you four, the feeling that I can be a father. It means a lot to  me. You four give me strenght if I feel down. Remember, you, Jack, helped me a lot back in my darkest period of my life...

Jen stepped to us. -Nat, do you want to tuck Mia bed before the dinner starts?
- Oh, I'll do it - stood up Dave and took her lil one into his arms - I am the one who is supposed to sing her lullaby.
- Why that is so? - laughed Jack - Hey dad! - Dave turned back to him - Dad, I still remember you singing „Twinkle Winkle Little Star” for me.
- You see Jack, this is the answer to your question you just asked from me - and he followed Jen to the guestroom.

I stayed with Jack who had some questions about our relationship and Mia. I gladly gave the answers with an orange juice in my hand. He paid attention to every words of mine, and said that he'd be happy if Aurelie'd have that baby inside her tummy but he didn't want to emphatize himself in it too much.

- It's good to see you in a better condition - said Jen when they were alone in the guestroom and Dave put Mia on the bed between some big pillows which were there to set back Mia to fall from the bed.
- Yeah, it's a big relief. Ya know how I hate when my illness comes back - he said calmly and sat next to his daughter, who looked at him waiting for her regular lullaby.
- Yes, I know - she replied standing next to the bed.
Dave gave a little smile for Jen and turned back to Mia and started to sing "Twinkle Winkle Little Star".

They stayed in the room waiting Mia to fall asleep. Jen had so many questions, but she didn't dare to ask them. She looked at Dave and she felt her heart aching again. But she just sat quietly, only asking Dave about his new album.

And Dave gave her the answers quietly, not to disturb the little girl in her sweet dreams. After a few minutes she couldn't bear it, she put her hand on his right forearm. He looked down at the familiar hand, then lifted his look up.

- Jenny!
- Dave, Dave - whispered Jen.
- Jennifer, I.....
By this time Jen’s arms were thrown around his neck and she was kissing him desperately. Dave didn't want to respond, fought against it, but gave in in the end and kissed her. But after the kiss, he stood up and went out the door quickly, as if dogs were chasing him.

He bumped into Kessler outside who was here just for a few minutes, searching for him, because he brought a message from Philippott about Dave's solo. After a minute when the envelope was in Dave's hand, he asked if everything was Ok. He just nodded and thanked for the help.

- Ur cumming in Friday evening, right?
- Yes, we will.
- Dave? Any problems?
David wasn't very convincing.

- Ok, buddy, you'll tell me on the weekend if you want to.

He just nodded and left John there to breath some fresh air on the balcony. He took a slim cigarillo from his coat's pocket and lit it. He was thinking about Jen of course. What she wanted with that kiss again, and why he returned it. Slowly he calmed himself down after a few minutes.
- Hey, hon. I was looking for you everywhere - I said happily when I found him still smoking outside and put my hands on his waist - Was the lullaby sucessfull? - I gave a kiss on his neck.

- It was, she is sleeping now, my tiny angel. So we can have some time for each other - he said, pulled the curtain, grabbed me and kissed me passionately.
- Dave? - I asked him.
- Just let you know how much I love you - he whispered huskily.

- But, dear, someone can come outside...
- I don't care, I want you like mad! - he replied and kissed me, his hands down on my bottom.
He lifted me a bit and pinned me to the wall in the corner of the balcony. I moaned from the little pain in my back and from the appearing desire, too.
He was kissing my neck wildly as his hand rolled my deep bourdon dress up. It was cold outside but I felt like my skin was burning. He unzipped his pants and rammed into me without hesitation.
- Oh my... - I sighed one hand around his shoulder, the other holding his face in my palm, my head bent back as he gave kisses on my throat.

- You are crazy David – I whispered to him.
- I know Hon, I know.

Thanks God no one wanted to have some fresh air. Whole family inside and we are err… fucking outside under the starry November night. I held him close and he just pushed and pushed. I tried not to worry who could see us. Or how many times they were here with Jen, doing exactly the same.

He knew when I was coming and sealed my lips with his to stop the big moan at that moment when I reached sweet oblivion, and he moaned back into my mouth just a few secs later. I felt as his body loosened up in relief, as his hot semen spreaded into me.

It was cold, but we didn't move, stayed in sweet unity for a while. Then fixed our clothes and went back to the others him holding my hand tightly, never let it slip out of his paw for a sec.

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