Chapter 30
Meanwhile Dave finally ended his long phone call with Martin. He wanted some changes in a song, but he couldn’t really pay attention. In the last two weeks he was like a ghost. Depressed and sad. His mind was still circulating around Nat and the things she said – he nearly went insane from them, so maybe that’s why he accepted Chris’s invitation to this cheap bar. And to tell truth, he wanted Chris to finally shut up – he asked Dave to come to this bar nearly every day, babbling about a hot blond chick…
So now he was standing outside the club. He put his cell away and finished his cigarillo. He watched the people on the street absentmindedly. After long days and even longer lonely nights he decided that he’ll help Nat, no matter what! He’ll call the best specialists and he won’t care what she says! He needed to confess that he still loved her, despite the pain and disappointment he felt. He’ll go to her… Yes, he’ll help her.
Dave nodded to himself and blew out the smoke before he stepped into the loud club. He hoped that the loud music will finally stop his running and painful thoughts. He sighed when he couldn’t see the guys in front of the stage, so he guessed they were in one of the rooms.
He didn’t need to search for long… He wanted to say something, but the words stuck in his throat. First he didn’t know why the blond girl was familiar to him… then her laugh gave him assurance… For a moment he couldn’t move or speak, just watched as the woman leant closer to his friend and whispered something in his ear, while Chris’s hands stayed on her waist.
At precisely the same moment, one of Chris's friends reached forward to get his drink from the small table in the middle of the room ... his face came into the light, and Nat stared at him...
"Hey pass me mine, Andrew" said the other guy.... and suddenly something fell into place in Nat's mind... Chris had always seemed familiar to her, and yet she hadn't managed to place it. Now there was Chris, Andrew, and both faces made her think of music.... and in the very next second, when she felt a presence behind her, she knew who she would see if she turned around.
"At last you found me" she said ... breaking the magic for Chris, whose eyes flew open, and who saw Dave walk into the room, and sit on the arm of one of the chairs where the other guys were, as if he was just another curious client in this bar... so Nat decided to carry on, taking Chris's face in her hands and asking him to shut his eyes again...
"Heyy - we haven't finished yet, naughty boy - you aren't supposed to look!" but at that remark, she felt a firm grip on her left upper arm and recognized Dave’s familiar scent immediately.
“Nat! Why are you doing this to yourself?!” Dave dragged her off of Chris’s lap, who looked at him alerted.
“Hey, Dave, stop it!” he tried to defend Nat, but Dave just barked at him still holding Nat’s arm.
“You shut up, I know her!” This seemed to work, because Chris stayed silent. “So?” he turned back to the calm Nat, who tried to free her arm…again… The icy tone in Dave’s voice hurt her, but didn’t show it. “You left me for doing THIS? You do this to have your daily dose?!” Dave felt the anger rising in him. When he stepped in and recognized Natasha on his friend’s lap, he nearly felt sick with jealousy and anger, and couldn’t bear the way how she avoided his presence to do her job properly!
“That’s none of you business, Dave” she answered on an ice-cold tone “You don’t have the right, to treat me like this anymore!”
“You enjoy this shit around you, Nat? You already look like a hooker… Can’t you see that you are destroying yourself?! You are slowly sliding down! You want to die so badly?” here his voice softened “Please, listen to me! I can help… I still want to help, no matter what you’ve said or done…”
“Mr. Gahan, I say it one more time to make things clear: I don’t want to get rid off the things I take, but I want to get rid off YOU! So let me go before I scream for help! I have other costumers waiting for my body…” she used these words willingly. She could see fresh pain in his eyes and a little disgust as he released her arm – his fingerprints clearly visible on the pale skin. He heard enough for today! No more words left Dave’s mouth, he just walked out of the bar, never looking back. Nat hoped that this meant he walked out of her life as well…
Dave's sudden exit from Nat's room alerted Mickey at the bar, and he came running to see if everything was all right. Nat greeted him at the door, and reassured him, that it was an argument between the men, and nothing to do with her... what a capable liar she was becoming, in order to save her lover from what Yuri had threatened!
Mickey glanced into the room anyway, and saw that the remaining three men seemed calm, although now they were standing together talking instead of sitting and relaxing. Nat told Mickey that they had been so generous with her so far, that they deserved some drinks on the house, which sent Mickey away happy, and bought her some time to sort things out with Chris and his friends.
Nat closed the door, and leaned against it, smiling again despite her strong desire to burst into tears at what she had had to do and say to her Dave...
She had to look at the bigger picture - saving her reputation in this bar was the most important thing right now - nothing of this incident must get back to Yuri, or he would suspect that she had been blabbing to Dave, or passing him messages via these friends of his....Yuri was bound to have connections among the staff here - why else would he have chosen this bar?
It suddenly occurred to her, moreover, that Mickey could even be spying on her for Yuri.... and this made her feel sick, because she was growing to like him, and now could never really be sure of him. Was his smile genuine? And his seeming concern for her? Or was there more at stake?
Nat had to turn this situation around and send these guys home contented... so she pulled out all the stops, and suggested that she did her little number for each of them - and from the beginning for Chris, as they had been interrupted... but Chris would have none of this - what Dave had said had chilled him to the bone, so he and his friends paid Nat for her time, saying they were no longer in the mood, and Nat helped them to leave the place quietly, inventing a reason for Mickey to leave his post at the bar while they slipped out into the road. Nat then sneaked back to her room and prayed for ten minutes that Mickey wouldn't think to look in on her ... she then went back out to chat with him, and see if there were any other clients for her ... Mickey asked where the three friends were, and Nat said they must have gone down onto the dance floor, then distracted him again by asking for an ice-bucket of ice-cubes, to play around with her new client ... Mickey laughed at her inventiveness, and went off to get what she asked for...
Nat breathed a long sigh of relief ... she wouldn't see Chris at the bar again, but had to take care of the next customer, all the while keeping the image of Dave's disgusted face as far from her mind as she could...
---
On a windy Tuesday Dave decided to visit Natasha’s old friend, Tanya to warn her about Nat’s behaviour. Maybe she could help her better, because Nat never picked up the phone when he tried to speak to her. Dave’s head was still full with her and couldn’t sleep from his thoughts. He was really worried about Natasha, and wanted to help more than ever. Maybe because he knew the situation from first hands. Yes, a lot of memories came back from the darkest period of his life and suffered from these images, but he needed to stay calm and strong. Even if Nat refused his help, he’ll find the way…At least he’ll try…
When he finally found Tanya in her flat, he immediately discovered a flick of fear in her eyes when he described the situation. But it was strange. He thought Tanya’ll be terrified – well she was- but Dave thought she’ll react more intense. She just sat opposite him and fixed her gaze onto the cup of tea she was holding in her hands.
“You know something, Tanya? Is there another problem?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.
“Why are you asking this?” she looked up at him for a moment then returned to her tea.
“Because it seems that you’ve already known this. You don’t seem to be too surprised.”
“Dave, she’s my friend. We met a few times, and although she didn’t say a word about things like these, I saw the changes in her. What she said she’d done… Well, I don’t know… I…”
“You? Please go on, Tanya!” Dave asked and looked at her reassuringly.
“Well I think she’s not that type who is that obsessed with her own body and who… who…”
“…who kills her baby…” he whispered with pain in his eyes.
Tanya saw him look away in the distance. This was still the most sensitive point for him.
“Dave…look, I’m really sorry…that this didn’t work between you two… But she’s so stubborn… If she says she doesn’t want you then she has a good reason...”
“But I won’t let her down… I still can’t believe this whole thing. Something’s wrong around her… I can feel it… and I won’t rest until I found out what that is, I promise!” he clenched his fists together. When he looked up, he caught another strange expression from Tanya.
“What is it, Tanya? What are you hiding from me?” he asked in a calm voice.
She was hesitating for a few minutes. Nat’s letter came into her mind. That letter what she gave to her months ago. But she wasn’t sure whether she should give it to him now, or not, because Nat called her every Sunday that she was okay, as they’ve discussed...
“Look, I’m not good in lying… so you can easily see through me. Yes, she gave me something, but now I can’t give it to you. There are…some conditions before I can give it to you. It was her will and I won’t betray her. I’m sorry.”
“I see…” he said finally after long minutes of examining Tanya’s face “Let me know if I can come for that something…” he said quietly and left the flat.
“I hope that day never comes…” Tanya whispered to the empty flat and drank the last sip of her cold tea.
---
Dave's first priority was to get professional help for Nat.... without any more confrontations with her for a time ... so this meant putting Nat in touch with people who could help her without her knowing about it. He spent a whole day narrowing down his choice of specialists, phonebook in one hand, computer mouse in the other, as he compiled a list of numbers to try. He thought of how he was going to explain the „low key" approach .... that the patient shouldn't even know she was being observed until she recognized the problem and was willing to seek help to get back to her previous life.
He tried his "storyline" out loud, talking into the silence of the empty studio, surrounded by instruments and recording equipment....
"I am very worried about a good friend of mine who is doing dangerous and degrading work to feed her drug habit ... she has refused all the help I've tried to put her way, and won't listen to me when I say that she could kick the habit so very easily, seeing as how she hasn't been doing the stuff for very long ... so I tried to frighten her by telling her my story, which goes back to when I was twelve, and lasted 24 years .... but it had absolutely no effect on her ... so I was wondering if you would accept to observe her, at her work, if you can call it that, because she has withdrawn into the world of sleazy bars and dubious contacts in the hope that I will leave her alone ... and I can't just walk away ... so I'm desperate to find someone who can reach her. I don't know ....what to do ...any more.... " and as he said these last words, he dropped the phone book, gathered up his knees onto the sofa and hugged them tight as he burst into a long series of loud sobs of anguish.
How was he going to save his Nat? His precious little ballerina? Would anyone from the medical profession stoop so low as to go and see Nat at work? Dave realised that he only knew of this job, and wondered if she had others.... and mused on how she had been juggling them with her teaching at the dance school. Probably as this was less physically tiring than the restaurant job.
His thinking brought him slowly out of his morose sobbing - he shuddered as he thought back to how low he had gone himself at times to get his daily dose when he was young - stealing and similar petty crimes..... how he had brought his family to tears ..... how he had promised to stop each time he was caught, but the lure of the exciting life had always been too much for him .... until he had come so close to losing it all, namely his very life ...... and had decided that enough was enough.
He had to stop Nat from sinking that low ... he hit the print key on his computer and walked around the studio for the next hour, phone in one hand, list in the other, working methodically down the numbers, marking them with a Y or N or M, depending on whether it was a number to call back, a total waste of time due to the haughty and uninterested voice on the other end, or if he had left a message on an answerphone. By the time he had reached the end of his twenty names, which covered the whole New York state, he had five Ys, a majority of Ns, and two Ms.
His next priority was to get as much information as he could out of Chris... but gently, because it really wasn't his fault he had unearthed a hornet's nest.... in fact Dave could have gone much longer before discovering Nat's secret life if Chris hadn't insisted on Dave going to that bar. So the first word he would say to his pal would be "thank you”.....
He called him after he finished off the list and asked for a meeting from Chris. Dave heard how unsure his friend’s voice was. He could bet on it that Chris didn’t know how to handle this situation after all those babbling about Nat’s skills. Dave just sighed at this and took his black leather jacket.
Chris was already pacing and smoking in front of Starbucks at the time Dave arrived. They shook hands and Dave suggested a walk.
“Dave…er… hey, I’m really sorry…”
“No, Chris. It wasn’t your fault” he looked at him “I wanted to thank you.”
“Thank me for what?” he looked at him shocked.
“You know because you dragged me there, I realized what Natasha was doing behind my back and now maybe I can help her…”
“But… from where do you know her?”
“It’s a long story, but in a nutshell she was my lover in the last one year or so… She’s a ballerina… or was… and I met her at a performance… Swan Princess…” he immersed in his own thoughts “She was my little princess….” he sighed with pain in his voice “But she changed and she said terrible things to get rid off me… But despite all these things… I still want to help her… I can’t bear the thought that she’s doing these awful things to herself… That’s why I need your help, Chris. You’re my friend and I need your help…”
“I see…” he answered quietly “How can I help you?”
“Please tell me everything you know about her. I’m interested in every little detail. I won’t be mad at you, just tell me them. Tell me what she did to you, how she acted… everything, okay?”
Christian nodded and they spent more than an hour on a bench, speaking about Nat then Dave’s relationship with her…
Dave realised that Chris couldn't really help him other than by confirming that Nat had nothing of a typical junkie bar-worker ... she seemed tired, yes, pale and undernourished, on the verge of not being curvy enough for the job .. but she was always in control of herself, her speech, her movements - and almost seemed to take pleasure in what she did ... this troubled Dave at first, but then he decided to keep hold of this as a clue to her atypical behaviour - something to get a specialist curious about Nat's case.
Dave and Chris held their "goodbye" hug for a long while ... Chris broke it and said to his friend "You really love her, don't you? So go and save her - don't stop at anything. Don't let her sink any deeper. You'll regret it all your life if you don't" and then he walked away slowly, as pensive as Dave himself.
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