Andy closes his eyes again, swallowing. The lights in the hotel suite are dimmed down. The white sheets cling around his sweatty body. Increasing the movement of his right hand – up and down, up and down. Nearly unbearable - the tension in his system. He pushes away the blanket furiously.
„Oh, Siv – touch me!“
With a loud, hoarse yell he releases his lust over his hand and tummy. Then he keeps lying there on the bed – panting heavily.
Soon, Andy, soon! You have to be patient or you will loose her before you got her at all!
The room telephone rings.
„Mr. Fletcher, this is your wake up call! It’s 7.30 am.“
„Thank you.“
„Do you want roomservice for your breakfast?“
„That would be nice.“
He jumps out off bed and reaches for his dressing gown. The next moment there’s a rap at the door. Roomservice appears and leaves a trolley with the breakfast. He pours himself a cup of tea, yet decides then to take a shower first.
On the way to David’s studio an hour later he feels like a teenager again – heading for his first date.
You can’t be serious, Andy!
He checks his hands – all sweatty and slightly trembling.
The cab driver stops at the requested address.
***
I’m in the bathroom, putting on some make-up – when the door bell rings. I hear Dave opening and then Fletch’s sonorous voice. So there he is. I check my sight in the mirror. Usually I don’t make a big fuzz – just a little foundation, powder and lipgloss. In the end it’s useless. The last days Dave and me literally were that much glued to each other he would have licked it off anyway. So I just left my beauty case closed – but today I feel kinda insecure. A little façade might come in handy. I roll my eyes and grin at myself. Then I walk outside.
„Hey, Siv!“
Andy beams at me. The twinkling in his blue eyes behind the black designer glasses lets my stomach wobble for a second. Next I disappear sort of in his bear hug. He smells good. The embrace seems to last forever. I feel his hand trailing down to my bum, resting there.
„Errr, Andy – I’m happy to see you as well.“, I whisper into his ear. Then I slowly free myself. We move all over to the couches - chatting about this and that – smalltalk. Again and again Fletch musters me intensely. I recognize that David also must have noticed it meanwhile. When I go for some sandwhiches next he follows me into the kitchen.
Passionate, deep kiss. His hand wanders inside my blouse, teasing one of my nipples. When he lets go again he smiles at me.
„I think Andy is in flames.“
„Humh – he’s for a while now.“
I open the fridge to get some cheese out.
„He’s special – but you should know that, David. I’m a bit scared. He does not deserve to get hurt again.“
„He’s fallen for you since he opened the door that evening when we had that Punjabi dinner – together with Basil.“
„Yeah, I recall you asking me in the pool what I felt about him.“
I hand him over the huge plate.
„We better stop whispering here and get back into the lounge.“
He nods and kisses me again.
„Had a quicky there?“
Andy smirks at us when we return one after the other.
„Sure, what did you think? I can’t let my long fingers off this woman!“
Dave lets himself fall next to Fletch onto the couch and pats his shoulder.
„No reason to be jealous, mate. Jen will be back next weekend.“
„And what does that mean – if I can be that straight?“
David faces me over the table – in the couch chair.
„It means that every good thing comes to and end some time.“
„What Dave wants to say is that certain priorities can’t be shifted nor shared.“
I take asip from my apple juice.
„As hard as it will be – but we need to let the other live the life that is set – to be able to link every now and then.“
I see Dave’s eyes darken and I know exactly what he feels at this very moment. I’m the same – blinking, trying to hold back the tears.
„So you really want to sacrifice your feelings?“
Andy looks a bit surprised.
„The pain that comes with not doing it is way more unbearable – for all involved.“
My hand shakes slightly when I put back the glass onto the table.
Dave cleans his throat and grabs his cigarillos, lighting one. There’s a weird tension in the air.
„Perhaps it wasn’t such a bright idea to visit you these days.“
„Andy, no. It’s OK. It might sound odd but you should know I’m not standing in your way.“
„Hey, I’m not a price you can give to another one just for mercy, David!“
„Sorry, Siv! I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that I’m for open words in this matter. The more that we all seem kinda entangled with each other in the meantime.“
I blush slightly – remembering all those situations we had together in the past – and to which he’s clearly referring to.
Andy finishes his coffee, obviously looking for words.
„Well, let us not stumble over our own feet now, alright? Especially as all our emotions seem to be a little complicated. I appreciate your openness. Let us leave it at that for the moment.“
He adjusts his glasses.
„OK – if you don’t mind I will leave you now. I need a bit of fresh air and a walk before I meet John. You know when he starts discussing he finds no end!“
„Poor Andy! Strange enough the talks last ages when you two are involved. Reminds me of ping pong.“
„Siv, watch out!“
„Now I’m scared!“
We all burst into laughter and then accompany Fletch to the elevator. Before the doors close he winks at me again.
***
„When is Rosie ready with her ballet lessons?“
I check for the clock. It’s after three.
„Granny picks her up at four and takes her for the night."
Dave moves behind me. I look out off the window again. It’s going to be one of my favourite places here.
„Why did you tell Andy that much?“
I feel his arms coming from behind, pulling me closer to his body.
„Not OK with you?“
„Nah, I’m just a bit puzzled.“
„Well, I know him – he wouldn’t be the one making the first step. He wants to, but you experienced him as well.“
I nod and a little smile flashes over my face. Yes, there’s a shyness at him you would never expect from a man his age and position.
David turns me around to face him.
„So, baby – what’s going to happen to us?“
„Do you really think I’d have a witty answer to that?“
I cup his face with my – again – trembling hands.
„I doubt you know the book ‚Salt On Our Skin’ by a french author called Benoîte Groult.“
„I think I saw the film on TV once with Jen. Starring Vincent D’Onofrio and Greta Scacchi?“
„Geez, that movie sucks big time! But yes, that’s the story – more or less. The book is so much more intense!“
„I don’t remember much. What’s it about?“
„Let us sit down on the couch – this might take a little longer.“
„An intelligent young woman – student at a university – falls in love with a plain fisherman. Plays in Brittany. Her family spends every holiday there – so all young people there know each other for some years. He’s already engaged to a girl from the village. Yet they fall for each other and spend a moment of passion in the night of her friend’s wedding party. She has to leave to Paris the same night.
Not much perspective for a relationship. They are way too different – as well intellectually. But some months later he calls her in Paris, wanting to meet her. They spend three days more or less in bed, having all ways of sex imaginable – burning for each other. On a sightseeing tour onto the Eiffel Tower he asks her if she wanted to marry him. She hesitates. He tells her he would change – going to university as well – learning all about arts, literature – the things she’s interested in. She’s shocked and tells him she likes him due to the way he actually is – she just can’t live with him this way. He’s extremely disappointedand leaves her one day earlier than planned.
They meet some time later at his own wedding. He sings a song for her at the wedding party – obviously for her. They both sneak away to have passionate sex again.
She returns to Paris, studying on – very successfully. Then she gets married to a man she does not really love but who fits in her schedule kinda – having a son with him. They get divorced and she moves over to the USA, for a lecturing and research job at a local university. Again she finds an intellectual lover. He stays every now and then over night, but does not really live with her in her house. Her son grows up like an American.
One night she calls her fisherman again. He’s not really amused, but can’t deny he’s still strong feelings for her. He’s a family now – three sons. She pays him a flight ticket for a week on the Seychelles, where a uni friend has a holiday bungalow. A week full of passion – and a big fight again. Both have to leave for their lives again. So this goes on over the years. The last time they meet in Montréal, where she then teaches at university. That’s around 20 years later than their first encounter. Both aged, but still glowing for each other – he grey haired, she a few wrinkles. After a night of hot passion he confesses her he’s got a serious heart condition and needs to go to hospital immediately when he’s back home. They both have a faint idea this would have been their last time making love and seeing each other. A week later she gets a call that he died in hospital. She flies in for the funeral and his wife hands her a letter addressed to her. He’s telling her that he’s not regretting anything – that he was happy to have had her at all in his life – that he always considered her the wife he always wanted.“
„Fuck!“
„I’m not saying I’m envisaging anything like that for us – yet it’s not so much out off the question, right?“
„Yeah, I see the twists in there. Hell, I think I need to read that book.“
„I warn you – it’s written from the perspective of that woman.“
„So what? Maybe I start to understand you females a little better afterwards?“
He cuddles into my arms. I brush through his hair.
„It’s bleeding emotional – like us.“
„Yes, that’s true. That’s why it just popped up in my mind.“
„As this with us here is no fiction I think we need to make it fit somehow.“
„So you’d like the idea of kinda chasing each other around the globe?“
„Ha ha, not around the globe – but meeting somewhere else than New York or Hamburg shouldn’t be a problem.“
„You simply can’t let me go, can you?“
„And you? I think we have to face it that Karma has other plans for us than we have on our schedules. So will you help me to keep that little spark – that little hope - alive?“
„Yes, David.“
He drags my face down into a soft kiss.
„Another round on the kitchen floor before we meet Andy at the club?“
„You naughty devil!“
„Ah, say it – you think of it all day! If he wouldn’t have visited today I already had you there!“
XXX.
The DJ set nearly is through. Andy really had put on a lot of funky stuff. I just recognize ‚BodyRockers’ – knowing this will be the last one before the finale – usually ending with a DM mix. I look for Dave who’s busy chatting with some guys I don’t know, except one – must be Knox. So I dive into the masses on the dance-floor.
There's so many things I like about you, I...
I just don't know where to begin,
I like the way you look at me with those beautiful eyes,
I like the way you, act all surprised,
I like the way you, sing along,
I like the way you, always get it wrong,
I like the way you, clap your hands,
I like the way you, love to dance,
I like the way you, put your hands up in the air,
I like the way you, shake your hair,
I like the way you, like to touch,
I like the way you, stare so much,
but most of all...
Yeah...
most of all...
I like the way you move...
I like the way you move...
My legs seem to move on their own. I let myself fall into the rhythm. The base and drum synchronizing with my heartbeat – pushing it’s frequency up further.
I like the way you, put your hands up in the air,
I like the way you, shake your hair,
I like the way you, like to touch,
I like the way you, stare so much,
but most of all...
Yeah...
most of all...
I like the way you move...
I like the way you move...
The heat rushes through my system. Turning my head again I see Andy’s face behind the pane, headphones on – a little sweatty, his dark eyes fixing me.
I like the way you, put your hands up in the air,
I like the way you, shake your hair,
I like the way you, like to touch,
I like the way you, stare so much,
but most of all...
Yeah...
most of all...
I like the way you move!
The music blends over into ‚Enjoy The Silence’ – an up beat mix. Though I’m already exhausted I keep on dancing. Suddenly there are arms around my waist – and then I feel some hot breath against my ear. Fletch pulls me closer to him and sways with me in the rhythm.
„You’re so hot, Siv – you have no idea!“
As it’s too loud for a further conversation I simply rest my head against his shoulder and let him do the lead. He’s not a keen dancer – well, you know how stiff he sometimes moves on stage. Yet now he seems to be quite confident with the situation – very confident!
I sense his growing excitement against my groin.
...
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
...
Looks like we’re on the fast lane somehow – I just hope we can stop it if necessary – not wanting to think about that now though – just loosing myself into this very pleasant situation. His fingers dig into my lower cheek, squeezing my bum. And this all in public! People must think I’m a slut – at least a groupie. So what!
„...cab!“ Is all I get then as the music swallows his other words. He drags me with him through all the dancers – off the dance floor – then via the VIP exit to the next waiting vehicle. It all feels like zooming over- like in a movie. Doors falling shut, soft leather cushions, his warm breath against my neck. When I finally want to start to complain he simply silences me with a deep kiss. Dave pops up in my conscience. Well, he for sure will count one and one together. So I try to relax a little. Then the cab stops in front of his hotel. Fast walk through the lobby to the elevators. The next cabin is ours. He presses me against the wall, kissing me ferociously. It’s just after the suite door slams shut behind us that I wake up sort of from my trance. It’s when he pushes me onto the bed, quickly moving over me and fixing my arms with his.
„Andy! What are you doing!?“
He does not show any reaction but keeps on tearing my shirt off me.
„Andrew! Please, come to your senses! You scare me like that!“
No reply. His eyes seem like hell fires itself – mad and out off this world. He rips my jeans open and yanks it over my hips and knees. Then he forces my thighs open with his knee, unzipping himself frantically. I have no chance to move as most of his body weight is on me – and he’s definitely tall and heavy.
„Andy! Andy, no!“
With a merciless move he thrusts into me – till the hilt. His heavy breath puffs against my neck and face. It hurts so much! I’m not ready and his cock is huge. So my yell is not for lust but intense pain. I try to scratch him – at least bite him as he wants to ravage my mouth again – yet he seems to enjoy that! And I recall the suites here are soundproof. Oh, god!
He’s plunging into me – again and again. I feel so helpless and sick. He even doesn’t seem to see the tears that now are streaming down my cheeks. I can’t help it and simply freeze kinda in his arms – letting go all body tension I have – laying there under him like a dead piece of meat. Dead – my feelings are numbness now – I’m cutting me off kinda.
At this point he finally seems to realize that there’s something going completely wrong. And the next moment there are two more male voices in the room and suddenly there are arms and faces and Andy is pulled away from me.
All I can do is recoil into a fetal position, covering my head. It’s like a reflex. Roll yourself up like a hedge hog – go back into your turtle shell. Danger and pain will go away eventually.
„Siv! Siv, angel – listen to me!“
The voice comes from afar – and I don’t want to hear it. I just want to be alone with my pain. Go away!
„We need to call 911.“
„Yes, she’s in shock. Fooking hell, what did he think?!“
„No, Dave – you’re staying here with me. It’s enough desaster for tonight, isn’t it? Security will take care of him.“
Hands that try to unclasp my fingers. I even entwine them closer. That deep soft voice again – trembling with anger, fear and something else. I shut myself down to any emotional response. Just when I hear Fletch’s voice again I shortly cringe.
„Let me go – I need to talk to her! Siv, Siv – I’m sorry!“
„She can’t hear you now – and you better stay out off here!“
„But, John...!“
There’s a clapping of doors again and the clatter of some more feet.
The voices tone down to some murmour – I’m far away – nothing more will harm me. I feel a little prick at one of my arms and then it really gets dark behind my eyes.
***
„She should have woken up. Seems she does not want to come back.“
„But it’s four days now!“
„That’s not unusual. Traumatized people tend to cap everything that might hurt or frighten them.“
„OK, but how long will it last?“
„As long as she decides to end it.“
The spectacled man in the cornflower blue clinic dress adjusts his glasses and musters his opposite sternly.
„She’s in kinda catatonic state.“
„Catatonia? You mean like a coma?!“
„Well, it means the body tenses and stays like this for a while – just as you see her in that curled up position. It can happen with brain damage, drug abuse, severe depression – and in this case for sure after a traumatic experience.“
„It’s not the first time.“
„Yes, I thought so examining the scars on her tummy. What happened?“
„She had an abusive partner, alcoholic. He forced her to have sex with him and when she refused he treated her with a broken jar.“
„That explains something.“
„I didn’t know her that time – but now I can imagine it definitely must have been hell for her. God! Can I do anything for her?“
„Does she trust you?“
„I hope so – yes, I think she does. Well, he have kinda turbulent relationship.“
The doctor musters David.
„I recall you’re still married and have family.“
„Yes. But that’s all arranged somehow. I just can’t get it that HE could be able to go off the rails! He knew about those scars as well. I really don’t know him that way!“
„Does he suffer from emotional stress?“
„Well, yes. He lost his wife over a year ago due to cancer. And he’s not really over it – untill he met her. It’s really wicked. I really thought they would be made for each other – knowing of the others pain.“
„Oh, my! Sounds more like a sudden irrational act.“
„I try to tell myself that now for the last days – as he’s my friend. But for now I just feel hatred – for the damage he caused to a beloved person!“
„That’s quite natural, David. It takes time. And talking about time – I need to go ahead here.“
„Thanx so much for lending me your ear, Dr. Jackson!“
„You’re welcome! I usually spend more time than others with case history as it helps me to get into the picture – especially with complicated cases.“
He takes his stethoscope and leaves the intensive care ward.
Dave walks back to her compartment. Seeing and hearing all those blinking and beeping monitors makes him sick – but he tries to overcome his nauseous feelings to stay with her for another hour. Sitting at the edge of her bed he continuously brushes gently over her face and arms, whispering soft words into her ear – hoping that somehow they will make it through into her subconscious.
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