- Love is such a complicated thing, you know…
Dave was staring at passers-by through the cafe window. Skinny and pretty black-haired waitress poured more coffee into Martin's cup. Martin was staring at her for a long time, he was thinking.
- When you are a kid you a dreaming of love, you see love like an escape from this reality, as a sanctuary from the world outside, - finally he told.
- Kind of Heaven or something, - Dave nodded.
- Though it's Hell; - Martin took a sip of his coffee.
- Sometimes I think hell is a lot easier to bear, - gloomily said Dave.
Martin smirked.
- I never thought before, I know, you've told me, love is co-dependence - Dave continued, - I just comprehended that now. When you are not in love, you don't care, who would tell you what. When you are in love every word brings pain. Words kill. You becoming a dependent psycho, that's true. You are doing things that aren't good for you. If you were normal you'd never did that. Instinct of self-preservation is dying suddenly when you are in love. Love at some point is the same kind as suicide.
- And the most terrifying thing - Martin followed his thought, - when it's all over and you are survived, nearly burned, but you will do it all over again. Because without this power you just aren't exist. It makes life livable.
Children were crossing the broad street near the cafe now; they were yelling, dropping their schoolbags from time to time and laughing.
- Love is strange, - said Dave.
- Strangelove, - underlying the absence of interval between these two words said Martin.
- Mmm?
- The word. There can be Love and there can be Strangelove. Germans lock words together very often and thus words summing up into one another. So meaning of the new word becoming slightly different. Why can`t we do those kind of things in English? Strangelove.
- Holy shit, - Dave said, stirring the remains of the hot chocolate in his white porcelain cup with a spoon, - Such a Creative Nation! If I was born German, I'd create a lot of new concepts and words. You know…
They were quiet for some time.
- May be it's better for humankind, Dave, that you are not German? - Martin asked carefully.
They both laughed. Dave licked the chocolate from his spoon.
- Besides, how are you?
Martin shrugged his shoulders and clutched his coffee cup in his hands.
- I am feeling guilty for what was happened with you and Christine, - Dave said.
- We've just split, and that's all, - Martin told, - There was no reason to continue. She deserved something better in her life. I loved her, so it was my entire fault. I knew it will end up like this. Not like this, actually, but…you know
- A-ye. In spite of your deep rooted aestheticism you are consciously avoiding theatrical acts …
- I am not an actor, - Martin smirked, - I am a clown. Theatrical acts seem parody when I am acting. Sad Pierrot with the painted on grin is looking dodgy. Everybody would laugh if it wasn't such mournfully.
- I mean, I am sorry. Shit. Forgive me. I broke your life.
- I don't blame you, - Martin told.
- No. You don't blame me, - Dave repeated, - You never blame me. I am always feeling guilt and wanting to hang myself for some unknown reason spontaneously.
Martin lips trembled, his face distorted in a strange grimace.
- I was kidding, - Dave told wary.
- Check, please, - Martin told girl in French, - You know, Dave…I think…probably…well…those two weeks when we were together… Lately after all that happened. It's seems so stupid, but I think I was happy, - he took a new cigarette from the half empty pack on the table.
Dave nodded and frowned.
- We didn't handle our love; - he licked his spoon again thoughtfully.
- We never will, - Martin said.
- But why is that? - Dave's face suddenly revived.
- Dave, don't start this shit again, - Martin lit up his cigarette exhaling the smoke with his nostrils, - I treasure your friendship. I am treasure you.
Dave's face pictured the hard work of his mind.
- Don't you think you can get rid of me so easily?
Martin quirked his brow in amusement and smiled. The waitress brought them their check and he paid off, not letting Dave to do that.
- It doesn't matter, - he told, - We are talking about me all the day; we'd better stop it now. I've heard you and Joanne will have a baby soon.
- A-ha, - said Dave. Actually that was the reason why he called Martin to meet him at the cafe at Champs d'Elysees, - but somehow he forgot it.
- That's nice. My congratulations.
- A-ha, - said Dave, he couldn't find words.
- Let's go? - said Martin, he took his coat from the hall-tree.
They went out Martin wrapped up in his coat and waved down a passing taxi. Dave was standing near him; he put his hands into pockets of his grey topcoat, feeling unsure what to do. He lived in the other side of the Paris so he should go to the different direction in any case. And in any case he didn't want to. Meanwhile, Martin waved him goodbye and got into the yellow car.
- Bye, Mart - automatically said Dave.
Tires crunched on stone-set roadway, the taxi started. Dave run for the car making taxi's driver curse him and stop the car. Martin opened his window. He gazed on Dave questionably, but said nothing.
- Uhm…you know…it's…like-a, - Dave forgot what he was going to say, - I forgot. Look Mart, I wanted to tell you that I …that… oh, well maybe you fancy a beer for tomorrow night, huh? I know there is a nice place over here…
Martin closed his window in silence and car moved away. Dave stood near the pavement, wind was blowing yellow leafs around him; he looked at the direction where Martin's car disappeared. Desperation hit him at once. Desperation dark and deadly. Useless. Everything became useless. He shrugged when he felt someone touched his shoulder, he even jumped off.
- Gonna end up your life hit by a car, you Degenerate? - There was Fletch near him, he was smiling.
- Ouch… you scared my balls out, asshole, - Dave exhaled.
Tomorrow they met at their Paris studio. Actually it wasn't a studio it was an old theater that was converted into the studio. They choose it because of its acoustics and all that stuff.
Dave rocked his leg sitting on the chair, Alan was playing with his camera and he was giggling over another Martin's drunken public striptease. Dave was mad and he was ready to stick this camera into Alan's ass. And the TV-set too.
- Oh, my, - said Alan through his hysterical giggles, - Dave you have to look at this.
- The fuck I have. I fucking hate it, - Dave breathe out loudly, - Why can`t you keep him from that?
- Useless, - Alan smirked, - It's useless to manage him to do something. When have you tried the last time?
- Long time ago, - Dave hissed through the clenching teeth.
- What-a-man! - Alan told, - so nice and sweet, asocial and romantic… frightened lamb when he`s sober, although he`s surprisingly pragmatic and cynical person in his depths. But when he got drunk he's starting to make love to this world in a very perverted way. And he no longer cares if this world is ready to give love to him in return. He wants to communicate to everybody. What a waste, it all ends up in the mornings. Have you noticed that?
- Alan, I'm feeling unbearable longing to hit you in your face now, - Dave confessed.
Alan smirked:
- Relax, buddy. I am your one and only friend here.
- My one and only friend here is Fletch, - said Dave.
- Fletch isn't human, he`s Martin's Guardian Angel, - Alan was too serious.
- Grass freaked your brains out, mate? - Dave laughed, - Angels do not exist. First. And Second. Why the hell Heavens would care that much about Martin?
- God moves in mysterious ways, - Alan told.
- Number one on the charts of your top-10 excuses of the year, - giggled Dave, - the fuck you find what to answer. Why does he care about me then?
Alan unwillingly tore himself away from the match Germany-Depeche Mode, he was filming last summer.
- You? - He asked, - It's easy, old boy, Martin needs you.
- What about you, then?
Alan shrugged his shoulders.
- I just love him, and I don't care.
There was Martin and Fletch coming through the studio doors.
- You know, - Martin was giggling, - I was in a music store today…
- HOW IT COULD BE?! NO!!! - Dave and Alan forced false amusement both. They've heard it almost everyday. When they haven't heard, they began to worry that Martin might be ill.
- One psycho asked me for autograph, - Martin told them.
- Well, he was a real psycho then, - Alan laughed.
- It happens, - said Dave, - when I was in London one psycho asked me for autograph either. I nearly cried from happiness.
They were laughing now.
- It is very interesting for me sometimes… w-why Miller still endures us? - Quietly asked Martin.
- Perhaps he found our charm irresistible, - hemmed Alan.
- We gained gorgeous popularity, - Dave nodded, - I am keep recalling Martin's words, should we really gave up our day jobs for that?
- Yeah, Dave, should you gave up stealing your bloody radio recorders from the cars for that? - Fletch threw his wind-breaker to the chair, he was searching for a teapot.
- C'mon, it happened once. Ok. Twice, three times as a maximum. That car you should not count in. It was a bet and I left the car in the next block. I've reached my real success in lemonade factory. Mart, you should admit it! How your bank survived your departure?
- They closed the bank and celebrating my departure for three days; - Martin said gloomily and set down near Alan. - They all hated me. But I believe that we shared this deep and mutual feeling. I was agreeing to do something only under the threat of the cruel and unusual corporal punishment.
- You ARE agreeing to do something only under the threat of the cruel and unusual corporal punishment, Martin, - mumbled Alan.
They were laughing again.
- You know what I think? - Fletch said, - I think we have our hundred fans or something that`s for sure. Somebody should buy our albums? Don't you think that Miller buying them all by himself?!
- Who knows, Fletch….who knows…
- So I was in the music store today, - Martin began once again, when they talk seemed to be over, - I've seen a section Music for the Millions, there was some pop music.
- HAVE YOU SEEN OUR LAST ALBUM THERE?
- Three of them? - Gloomily added Alan.
- Nah, - Martin shook his head, - I just thought that would be fun to name our album like that…music for the millions…for the sake of our… arrgh… popularity…uh…um….Music for the Masses.
- Where could be a tea there? - It seemed that Fletch finally found a teapot.
Dave gazed at red haired Andy entire day rather suspiciously. At his simple-hearted face, at his clumsy tall frame. Alan's words seemed like bullshit but he can`t get them out of his mind. When everybody left, he caught up Fletch.
- Hey, Andy, I've got nice hash, fancy a joint? - Andy looked at him sadly, - Andy, don't look at me with the silent reproach, man, even Alan believes that you are Angel here.
- Drugs will kill you, guys, - he said.
- Drugs what? - Dave asked again.
- Drugs will fucking kill you someday, idiots.
Dave laughed out loud.
- Yeapp…That what I told Al, when he talked this shit, his grass was rather shitty today.
Fletch looked at him as if he didn't understood what Dave was saying. Then finally he comprehended and laughed with Dave.
- Fletch you are a nice guy, you know, even though a humdrum one, - Dave tapped him on the shoulder.
I want you now
Tomorrow won't do
There's a yearning inside
And it's showing through
Reach out your hands
And accept my love
We've waited for too long
Enough is enough
I want you now *
- This is my girlfriend, Susanne Boisvert, - Martin introduced her. She shot Dave down with her dark eyes and shook his hand far too aggressive and too confident for a girl.
- Shark, - Dave told Martin his point of view, although they had gentlemen's arrangement not to discuss each other's girlfriends, - Keeping her reward and happy now. Female predator. Standing here and telling everybody "He`s mine. And don't you dare stay too close!"
- You better keep you mouth shut, Dave; - it was the first time when Martin let himself talk with that threat to Dave, as far as Dave remembered.
Dave froze; he couldn't find words for the first time of his life. He was watching while Martin closed the door and left.
- You… cad! - He told to the empty room.
My heart is aching
My body is burning
My hands are shaking
My head is turning*
Dave was shaking. He was sitting here in audio operators' room, his teeth were chattering. Fuck his fucking fuck, what was going on with him again? He was rude to Joanne; he obviously was treating her bad. She was very pregnant and she always starts to cry without any visible reason. He became mad even more. She asked him when he will be back; he told her that there is a lot of work here. She told him that she missed him, that she jealous of him, he told her that he is here to make his money but not to shag whores. She told him that she became fat and he probably wouldn't love her anymore if to think that French girls are so slim and beautiful, he tried to sooth her, calling her my stupid cow, he told her that she's the one he loves, so she cried more and more, now perhaps from happiness. She kept on calling him at nights and managing him to call her more often. She told him that she's afraid to sleep alone and that when she was in the baby store and saw there a lot of nice things for their baby. Dave clenched his teeth and suffered well. He became drunk blind between their talks. So for the third call when she was asking him about the baby's name for the tenth time a day if it will be a boy, or what if it would be a girl….well, he honestly tried not to snoring too loud into the receiver. His phone bills became fantastic. He hadn't had enough sleep, Martin and Fletch jeering that Gahans' pregnancy turned out to be difficult to them all.
There was a dreamy expression on Martin's face now. His eyes were sparkling. Dave hoped that it was a just a creative process. There was a lot of new material now. They had to choose songs from fifty or so demos.
Susanne was meeting Martin every evening at the studio. He was tramping abashedly to her with tiny steps like a Geisha-girl on her first date. Then he grabbed her ass with both hands not in a girly style at all, she laughed and they began to kiss, deeply and intently. Until Kessler was advising them to get their asses out of here.
Dave and Alan were walking down by Paris' streets. And once they saw them at the street cafe. Low Autumn sun shined brightly, Martin and Susanne were kissing, sitting so close to each other by the tiny table. They were holding each others hands. Martin gave her red flower, sold by a street vendor. Susanne's cap fell down with the playful wind blow, her black long hair tousled in the air. Martin picked up her cap from the ground, scaring impudent Paris' sparrows around the cafe tables. Someone romantic would say - What a beautiful couple!
- Oh, you fucking doves, you, - Dave told.
Alan said nothing he turn his head away from them.
- Look Dave, over this bridge it's the Royal Prison, - he pointed out with his finger.
- So you left us for her?
Alan laughed. He laughed so hard there were tears swelling in his eyes. Dave failed to see any humor so he had to explain.
- Dave, I do love you, - finally Alan said, - you know there is a funny story. Two French's met. The husband and his wife's lover. One told to another "Can you imagine it? She's cheating on us!"
Dave forced a smile as hard as he could.
- Let's visit the Bastille, Dave; - said Alan, - I hope there should be Torture Chambers with racks, iron maids or something. I believe it would help us to relax a little.
Do you know what it means
To be left this way
When everyone's gone
And the feelings they stay *
- Martin are you sure that you can play accordion? - Thoughtfully asked Alan.
- Yes I can - said Martin.
- Can you?
- I can.
- Sure?
- What is it, Al?
- It's nothing, Mart. It's just I am listening it entire day. You've plagued the life out of me with that sound, - Alan told, - Are you sure that there aren't any other keys on it?
- Wicked, huh? - Martin giggled; - It sounds like you are shagging someone on some old spring bed.
- Hah…that's true, - Alan said.
And I don't mean to sound
Like one of the boys
That's now what I'm trying to do
I don't want to be
Like one of the boys
I just want you now
Alan sang along with the rhythm of the squeaking springs and hoarse breathes or so it seemed.
- THAT`S IT! - They roared both.
- Where are Martin and Alan? - Dave yawned, it was so warm in the sound operator's chair, and he almost slept.
- They went out to buy some porn, - said Fletch. Miller was visiting them, just for several hours, he was tired, just from one plane to another; he was scratching his stubble and gazing on the computer screen.
- WHA-AT? - Dave almost broke his jaw with his yawn.
- Went out to buy some porno movies, - Fletch repeated, - They were hit by the brilliant idea that they need an obscene female moans. They recalled the only place where they can find them. Porno movie.
Miller tapped Fletch`s shoulder.
- Children grow so fast, - Daniel said, - Remember, what it was like yesterday…they went out to toy's shop, to buy bunnies, ducks and whistles for their first album. Then there were auto junkyards and railways. Today where are them? In the sex-shop, looking for some porn.
Fletch giggled.
- Dave, have you decided yet, where to hide new dodgy bondage that Mart probably will find in SM department?
- Daaaaamn, - Dave moaned, - Stop jeering! I can`t stand it anymore. You know, I am a strong man, but I can`t. Last one was a little bit too much.
Next day two great musicians appeared, overloaded with the movies, they've seen previous night. They faces were tired and they lips were swollen. Perhaps from the hard work. They asked Dave:
- Could you…errm…moan here…?
- Should I suck you off too? - Not so kindly Dave asked them.
Fletch clipped him on the back of his head and Dave obediently went to moan there.
Dave crawled to the Martin's and Susanne's flat pretty drunk. He took a big bottle of whiskey with him. He was drinking from it from time to time and giggling. Sun was down. Night fell. He could see full moon through the hall window. Martin was back.
- Dave? - He was amazed.
- I-I`mm waiting for ya, chuck, - Dave said.
- Dave, I doubt that Susanne would appreciate the fact that you are sitting here boiled.
- A-a-a-a…no-no-no, Martin, - giggled Dave - Master Boisvert isn't home,… she's out for a week…Dave asked…consy..conse..con-cere-ge.
- Concierge.
- Conf-s-fs…ok, doesn't matter.
Martin opened his door with a key.
- Sir, may be you need a puppy? - asked Dave, sitting with his back close to the wall, his eyes were shining like two black pearls on the sun even in the dim light of the hall.
- Dave you should go home and sleep, - said Martin in a fit of temper, he tried hard not to look at Dave. He knew if he'd do that, he would loose this game before it started.
- Sir, take your puppy home, - Dave wouldn't surrender so easily, he got down on all fours, and intently clutched Martin's calf with his jaws, - He`s a good puppy. He can shit everywhere, bark without any reason, bite you, break your furniture in pieces and your life too. But in his very soul he`s nice and kind and he desperately needs a master. Take him, sir.
Dave bit his leg again.
- Oh shit…, - Martin moaned, - The hell you can go anywhere now…
He grabbed drunken Dave by the collar and dragged him in. But Susanne shouldn't worry. Dave was sleeping all night with the white porcelain throne in the toilet. His body can`t stand alcohol as always.
It was rainy morning. Martin woke up, reluctant to open his eyes, took a shower, dressed up, and tried to get his hair done, but failed, and decided just to forget it. He opened the door of his room.
There stood Dave. He was wearing underwear and an apron with lacy stripes. He held a plate in his one hand and fork in his other hand. He intently chewed a piece of fried bacon.
- I am hungry like a wolf, - he explained.
Martin looked at him suspiciously.
- Why are you naked?
- Uhm…my clothes…well…kind-a became all dirty and stained. Well I put it into the laundry washer. Mart, - Dave was chewing thoughtfully, - There is The Elephant Woman in your kitchen. I am wondering if that's ok for ya?
- Oh, no… - Martin gripped his head, - My housemaid. I forgot. For how long is she here?
- Not that long, - said Dave and pinched omelet with his fork, - I was already cooking my omelet when she entered the kitchen.
Martin hissed, picturing in his imagination the scene with Dave in the underwear and the apron, frying bacon, and his housemaid looking at him in silent wonder. He hopelessly gazed at the window.
- Estimating what happens if you will decide to throw yourself out of the window? - Dave was fully appreciative, - It's useless. It is the first floor. I've been thinking about it before.
Martin looked at him weirdly.
- Wanna some bacon, chuck? - Asked Dave, handing him a fork.
- Piss off, - hissed Martin.
- Don't be mad at me. I forgot that you don't eat meat.
Martin pushed Dave away and headed to the kitchen with gloom determination. Dave followed him with his plate.
- Martin, - he told, - Have you ever thought that those tiny red tomatoes are crying out from pain when you are biting them?
Dave almost bumped into suddenly stopped Martin. Martin gazed at him slowly above his shoulder, maybe there weren't enough light and may be there was another reason but his eyes turned black from green. Right at the moment Dave believed that he will hit him now. Rather painfully.
- Yes, Satan? - He asked with the sweet voice, looking at Martin eyes like a real servile flatterer.
- Heh-Heh-Heh, - Martin suddenly laughed perhaps he sounded rather self-satisfied.
Dave exhaled, he could breathe again now.
Martin introduced him to his housemaid like a colleague. Well, that was exactly what Dave understood with his school French Course. And he understood that The Elephant Woman's name is Lora too, and Martin gestures let him to know that she will help him to sort out his accident with his clothes. Martin told her that Monsieur David was feeling like shit previous night.
- Yeah…you know…I kind-a poisoned myself with your damn stinking French cheese.
Dave was nodding joyfully. Martin painfully hit him under ribs. But Madame didn't know a word in English, so she was just smiling at Dave diligently.
Lora slowly retired soon, swaying her tremendous backside into the corridor. Martin went to the coffeemaker and poured himself coffee. He took a croissant; Loren brought them from the bakery right away, took his coffee cup and went out into the dining room. Dave threw his plate into the kitchen sink, thoughtfully wiped his hands with his apron. He poked cherry jam in the jar with his finger, then licked it.
Dave followed Martin into the dining room, then changed his mind and returned for the jam. He set down to the table near Martin.
- You think I am idiot? - He asked devouring his jam without any spoon.
Martin chewed his croissant pensively.
- I think we are idiots both, - rather peacefully he told. Much more peacefully then Dave could expect.
They were sitting here in silence for some time.
- Martin, - finally said Dave, - You know…it's just…well…we are already fucked up here, anyway, without any reason. I know, I know it's my fault again. I just thought…maybe…we could fuck now, huh? So it all wouldn't be in vain. I mean it would be the right reason then.
You understand
It's so easy to choose
We've got time to kill
We've got nothing to lose * I want you now by M.L.Gore
AJÁNLOM AZ OLDALT
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