With the heavy heart Dave was spending those days. He heard nothing about what was going on with Martin; Martin didn't like it when someone picked his nose into his personal business. He didn't like it - in his unique inner sense it meant that the fuck you will know anything even if you will be keen to know it. Dave called Fletch, but he couldn't tell whether Fletch didn't know, or had an order not to tell him. Dave screwed up Martin's children's nanny's head and finally found that Martin was in hospital with Susanne. One week passed then another, then Dave drunk a little for courage and called.
- Something's happened, Dave? - Martin asked.
His voice was very sad and very tired. Dave suppressed an impulse to give him stupid names now like sunny-bunny-lamb and shout "I will come to you right now!" and fuck to everything he would just drive to his place now to grab his curly head and press it to his chest and never let him go, don't care if he'd try to fight.
He cleared his throat.
- Everything's alright, Mart I was just worrying how are you there. You both.
- We are okay, thank you Dave, - Martin's said.
- Okay?
- It depends.
- It depends from what?
- Dave…
- Mart?
- Is that all, Dave?
- No. Your voice is very tired.
Martin hemmed.
- Probably that's because I am tired, Dave. Nothing special. It happens.
- I know what happens exactly, - Dave said, - Martin I wanted to apologize…
- Stop it Dave, - there was a reproach in Martin's voice, - You know, I don't like it.
- Ok let's put it other way, I am sorry…
- You'd better feel sorry for yourself, - Martin whispered. Dave decided to step back a little just in case.
- I probably called at the wrong moment, - he said.
- Probably you are right, - Martin said quietly.
- Martin we need to talk. I know that's not the right time and I am not the right person. But I need it. We need it. Could you call me when you will be able to?
- Okay, -Martin said and it seemed he just wanted this talk to finish sooner.
- You promise? - Desperately asked Dave already knowing that it was useless.
- I promise, - obediently Martin said.
They hung up. Dave knew that Martin wouldn't call but he was sitting near the telephone the next day and the day after that day too. And he was looking at his cellar phone each 5 minutes if there can be some unanswered calls.
Two week passed and Kessler told Dave that Susanne gave life to Martin's son. Dave rushed to call him, but it appeared that Martin was deadly drunk already; he hardly can understand human words. And next few days there was the same story.
At least Martin thought that few days passed, he was really surprised when one of his Santa-Barbara's friend called him and asked why did he missed their soccer match with neighbors.
- Wh-wh-what is the date now? - Martin asked in hoarse voice.
It appeared he was hard drinking for three weeks in a row. Susanne and their little son Calo returned home and they now lived together as a happy family. If you allow me to put it that way.
Then Dave called again and said that unlike some Great British Composers he wrote a new song himself.
- Good God! - Martin said trying to light up his cigarette with the shaky hands.
- You know, I think I can. It's nice. You know there was a song, written by me, at Songs of Faith and Devotion's period, remember? You didn't like it much.
- No, Dave, at some point I liked it, - Martin objected.
- Why we never used it in our albums?
- You know that Daniel is in charge here. And he decided what to take. I'd say he's taking not my each song, - Martin said.
- You have to be a complete idiot not to notice that Daniel is playing in your team, Mart.
- Which team? - Martin was deeply interested he even tried to stand up from his armchair with surprise, - Which team exactly Daniel Miller is playing? And the main question is against whom, Dave?!
- Oh, yeah, I knew you will say that I am talking bullshit, - Dave said, - and everything is just a ridiculous accident! Why are you lying to me all the time?
- Am I lying? - Martin dropped his cigarette onto the carpet and cursed under his nose.
- Stupid Question, Martin, I am sorry, how can you know why are you lying? It is your nature. You know, Martin you're reminding me of the scorpion from the anecdote. The scorpion swore to the fly that he will transport her on his back across the river, when she refused and tell him that he will sting her, he told her - I swear I won't sting you. Then he transported her and stung her and before fly's died she asked him -"Why did you do that? You promised me that you won't." "I probably lied" - he said.
Martin suddenly burst out in loud laughter, he couldn't stop. Dave was waiting patiently. Martin bent his knee and lifted his leg to his armchair, wiping the tears off his eyes.
- You listen, - he said, - It probably hurts.
- A-ye? - Asked Dave with some interest, - Sweetheart, what's wrong? The truth is always hurts.
- That's enough, Dave, - Martin said.
- No it's never enough, Martin, and you perfectly know that it will never stop. I am just curious, why?
- Dave I hate to defend myself.
- You'd better learn how to love it before it will be too late. Yes I do blame you and I am fucking have my fucking right to do it. You think I am right? You have nothing to tell me, am I right, Martin? You have nothing to tell me from the beginning of it all that's why you never tell. You know what? YOU KNOW….I really don't know what was making me to hanging on you, what was keeping me beside you, Mart if I wasn't that stupid to believe in a fantasy that you are talking to me with your songs. I wouldn't be around for that long if I wouldn't think about your every word and I felt that we WERE talking like that. I know I am a fool, but I was mad at you, I hated you for your callousness and heartlessness, I…then I was listening to your songs and I was understanding that I am fool again and I am wrong. I thought…I thought….I was not worthy of that feeling that you showed me, sometimes I believed sometimes I didn't, but I was blind. I walked forward, blind dumbass just to forget myself in a second and believe that you are thinking about me. It's just I thought right yesterday…what if….what if I was wrong and there was nothing about me? Rubbish? Everything that was ever happened between us was inside my mind? What do you think, huh?
- I won't defend myself from you, - Martin said, - You can think whatever you like.
- Why's that? - Dave asked perplexed.
- I…I….c-can't, - Martin said, his cigarette burned his fingers but he didn't noticed, - I can't fight you. I won't for it's useless, Dave I can't protect myself from you. There is no way how to do it for me. I surrender. I surrendered a long time ago. I think it will kill me in the end because it became more and more painful each day. Probably it wasn't less painful at the beginning but there was some hope and there was the point to believe and to suffer and to fight. You can do whatever you want just stop torture me with that shit. You can hurt me and I will be howling from pain, you can cut me and I will bleed.
Dave fell silent a little bit abashed by Martin's monologue.
- Mart, - his voice trembled.
- I…I didn't finish yet, Dave, - Martin took his breathe convulsively, - I think I sounded pathetic but I didn't mean it. I won't contemplate suicide or drown in my sea of sins, so you should take it easy Dave. I will survive somehow. Just don't push me more. Leave me alone, Dave. You can think whatever you like, and you probably right in your every thought about me, and I just don't know how to communicate at all.
- You wanna tell me not to call you anymore? - Dave suggested sadly.
- Huh?...n-no, - Martin said, - You can call me if you want.
In my other world
There is no pain
And all my thoughts
Are clouds of happiness
And I don't really want your kiss
My thoughts don't make me cry
My heart's not filled with grey sadness
My ears can't hear you lie *
Dave met Daniel in New York City and they were sitting and talking at the Starbucks with the paper cups of cappuccino. Daniel broke Dave's hopes about the next Depeche Mode meeting, telling him that Andy is too busy with his restaurant in London and Martin said that he need a half-year long vacation because he is not able to work, he should find some peace of mind.
- Didn't had enough vacation yet, - Dave bitched.
Daniel's face showed nothing, he licked plastic spoon from the cappuccino foam.
- I can't take it no more, - Dave said, - I am bored to death.
- I wish I have your problems, - Daniel answered.
- Had he… written something? Anything?
- Uhm, no he hadn't, - Daniel shook his head, - as far as I know.
They were silent now and Dave was plucking at the sugar paper bag in dismay. He was gazing at the New-Yorkers running down the streets and yellow taxis froze in street jam, and asked Daniel about the possibility of making his own solo album. To his surprise Daniel was happy about it, probably it was because he blamed himself for the Exciter's troubles a little bit and he was worrying about them. Well, Dave's intention to do something really made him happy; otherwise he probably decided to think twice.
In my other world
My pain is bliss
I own your soul
I own your kiss * Counterfeit 2 Martin L Gore (In my other world)
***
While Dave was touring his London Paper Monsters show visited Alan Wilder himself. They chatted for a while off stage with his elder son from Joanne Jack and Alan, and then they drove Jack home and went to have late dinner around eleven o'clock or something.
Dave felt a strange hint of weird nostalgia for the London's smell and for the cotton table-clothes and Victorian roses and Fleur-de-lilies, when he went inside a small cozy but posh restaurant; they chose to sit alone from the other side of the partition not to see anyone.
- That's rather weird. Andy wasn't there, - Alan said.
- Mart is performing in Milan; - answered Dave, - guess where Andy should be?
Alan laughed.
The waiter brought a bottle of red wine, wrapped in a snowy-white starched serviette, poured a small amount in Dave's glass. Dave lifted a glass up to his face, smelled the wine, tasted it and nodded to the waiter, saying yes to his choice of wine. The waiter poured wine into their glasses.
- For your success, - Alan lifted his glass to click it against Dave's.
- Thank you, Alan.
They both took a sip.
- What did HE said about your solo creative actions? - asked Alan a little but sarcastic, liking his lips and putting his glass back to the table. He took a piece of hot flavored bread from the basket and started to chew it thoughtfully.
Dave bit his lower lip.
- I received a message that your disc is in the post-office, Dave, but actually I've called you by another reason. Do you have a chiromant's phone number? - He mocked Martin's intonations.
Alan was laughing so hard he should bent down.
- Oh…no….I can't take it no more, - he said still giggling and slapping his hips with his palms, - fucking asshole, I'd sell my soul just to see what's going on inside his kinky mind.
Dave shook his head.
- You'd better don't, - he said, - sometimes ignorance became bliss. I was arguing with him about that, but now I am sure that there should be things that I shouldn't know for sure. He sees it just like with that.
- Oh, I am sorry, - Alan smirked, - if it is HIS opinion…sorry I forgot that his authority is indisputable for you… till the end of times.
- Alan… - Dave reproached.
The waiter brought him his fish-and-chips and rice with vegetables for Alan.
- Nice bread, - Alan said moving a basket closer to Dave.
Dave shook his head sadly.
- Alas! - He said.
- It is no fun getting old? - Alan giggled.
- I got to work hard, - Dave said, cutting the piece of baked salmon.
- I am talking shit, you are looking perfect.
- Thank you very much indeed, - Dave said.
Alan took another sip of wine.
- Are you going to write something as incredible as Exciter was?
- You didn't like it either?
- Dave. - Alan shook his head as if to show Dave that he wouldn't risk their friendship to tell him the truth.
- He was very upset about album's failure or so it seemed. Yeah. It was a hard impact for him. I never realized actually why it happened…
- He just finally got what he deserved, Dave, - Alan said, - God never forgives such opinionated humans. However I'd look naive if I'd say that I hope that it could bring him to reason.
- He's having hard times now, and he's really feeling bad, - Dave said, - you shouldn't judge him that harsh.
Alan shook his head again hiding his smirk.
- We're all feeling bad, Dave, You and me and we are having hard times too. The difference between him and us is that he doesn't give a shit.
- You're still mad at him? - Dave said.
- God bless you! - Alan snorted.
- You are, - Dave repeated reassured, - I mad at him too. Sometimes. But sometimes I terribly miss him. I am trying not to think about it but I didn't succeed.
- Dave you are nuts, - Alan said, - I've told you before.
- You know I'm seeing him in my dreams very often.
- I know, - Alan said in a strange voice but Dave didn't pay any attention.
- I am trying to talk to him even in my dreams…
- And it is useless even in your dreams? - Alan bent down lower over the table with understanding.
- A-ha, - Dave exhaled, - But on the other hand I am seeing him and he is near and he's looking at me and smiling. I am feeling warmth here inside, like when I was a child. It's okay that he is ignoring me, because I can take it like this.
- God Gracious! - Alan hid his face in his hands, - Listen. I am sitting here with you now and I have a feeling that twenty years passed but nothing's changed. Absolutely no fucking thing…I have a strong feeling that we said good bye to each other yesterday. And yesterday we were sitting there at Basildon's pub and you were tactfully and diplomatically clarifying if you have a chance to get closer to Martin to woo him a little.
- I was sure that I did it perfect and nobody noticed my true intentions, - Dave said.
They both laughed out loud.
- Alan, you are such a cunning bitch! - Dave announced when he decided he laughed enough.
- Am I? - Alan asked and emptied his glass.
- Exactly, - Dave scratched his nose, - I was such a dolt, I can't believe that.
Alan was still giggling uncontrollably.
- And YOU! - Dave pointed at him with his index finger, - were shagging my best friend and making laugh of me because I had no idea how even to mention it in his presence! It is not a best way to behave, my friend Alan, this is not a friendly gesture!
- You see, Dave, - Alan said after a brief pause, - Nobody ever brought me such a pleasure that you did. I thought I will die looking at you. You seemed like the half of your brains was turned off completely, Andy even wanted to help you to cross the street, worrying that in the state you were a car can hit you pretty easily. But this first motherfucker held his attention tightly.
Dave pensively lit up his cigar and started smoking, enjoying aromatic smoke.
- I didn't know he was…
- You didn't know him at all.
Dave was rocking in his chair and he nodded thoughtfully several times.
- You DON'T know him either, - suddenly snarled Dave, he gazed at Alan and asked him, - When did it happen?
- What exactly?
- You know what.
- Almost straight away.
- Straight away? - Dave seemed stunned.
- Ah, Dave, you were perfect romantic. I swear, I knew it from the start, I saw it in his eyes everything would be too easy, two glasses of hard drink and a porno-movie and he will ask me for more.
Dave hemmed, not believing in Alan's single word.
- Oh, c'mon… - he said.
- Okay you won, - Alan said, - I lied. He didn't need a porno-movie, drinks were enough.
- How you did you see it, I can't understand?
Alan shook his shoulders.
- I have no idea, - he said, - oh, no he's not, - he answered on Dave's unasked question, - Not with Vince, he was fooling him I am confident in that like in my nephritis. I knew that he's one of that kind he will play with you and manipulate you, I just knew it from the start and refused to brought up any ceremony here. I took him by his dick and everything worked out right. Don't worry, Dave, he loved it.
Dave was drawing strange lines in the ashtray with his cigar thoughtfully. He was frowning.
- You've told me before that you love him, - gloomily he said.
- I loved him, - Alan lit up his cigarette, - And I love him now…uhm… up to some point. I love him the way he was.
- The way he was? - Dave smiled sarcastically, - what was in him before that he hasn't got now? Or opposite what he hasn't got before?
Alan laughed but sounded not funny at all.
- Dave, you will be a cause of my death. You are blind as a newborn puppy; you see nothing even before your very nose, probably by some hormonal reason.
- Am I blind? - Dave asked Alan, - Am I see nothing?
- No use to be offended by the truth.
- As Martin often says "To each his own". Every person has his own truth.
- I had no idea that tonight I was invited on a Soiree dedicated to the Quotes of the Great Ones!
- My truth Alan is that I am changing, not him. I don't want it, I hate to change anything but he's making me to move forward.
- Dave… - Alan hissed desperately, - you are like a ram, you are butting the wall with your horns and don't want to hear anybody!
- Alan, - Dave left his cigar in the ashtray, bent forward leaning his elbows on the table, - And why are you so sure that everybody around you are complete idiots?
There was a smile that froze in the corners of Alan's thin lips.
- I don't think that everybody's idiots. I think YOU are idiot, Dave. Martin is an asshole, he manipulating you for no reason, just in the name of the game, he just enjoying the feeling of his power over you. You are looking at him dropping down your jaw like seeing some kind of Creature Divine, and you are allowing him to use you like he desire, praying God to never allow Martin to stop desiring to use you.
- Check please, - Dave said in a steel voice.
- Why do you look like I hurt your feelings? - Alan asked wiping his lips with the napkin.
- You don't have an idea? - Dave threw his fork onto the plate with a clunk.
- You should agree I'm right.
- You just like to wank off your favorite fantasy.
- Am I like to wank off my favorite fantasy? - Alan stood up in a surprise.
The waiter brought a check and Dave gave him his card, not even looking at him.
- Got small change? - He asked searching in his pockets.
Alan pulled ten pounds and left on the table.
- You know, Alan, all shit in my life started when you appeared.
- You think so? - Alan giggled.
- I think so, - Dave nodded.
- I think quite the opposite, Dave. If I never appeared something would never started for sure. You will be hanging around Martin thinking about the nature of this strange affection you feel to him, and our Genius is too passive to do anything by himself, so you have to be grateful for everything that I done to you both.
- Bullshit, - Dave said, - you are talking bullshit.
***
He remembered it completely when the phone rang and Martin said that some guy with name Alan will come to the listening to take a Vince's place. Because he felt the first prick of jealousy right then. No, this jealousy meant nothing special, just a friend jealousy. Also this guy was not that simple, he was rather diplomatic and clever and cunning too.
Martin was impressed by Alan's musical abilities, was really impressed by the fact that he knew synthesizers well and knew what programming is. Martin was impressed in general. Full Stop. He was agitating Andy to agree with Alan's candidature ardently. Dave actually seen the lad as a rather adequate person and why not, actually? But Fletch became mad without any reason and Martin had to use all his charms to make him change his anger into a mercy. Dave was giggling all day, watching Martin flirting with good old Fletch; he even made him his five o'clock tea. Fletch and Martin seemed to him like a married couple, with young wife urging her old greedy husband to buy her fiftieth mink fur coat or something. Dave started pacing across the room following Martin and Fletch, murmuring:
- I want a fur coat too! - But they both seemed to fail to understand his humor. So Dave left them alone soon.
In the end they reached an agreement at the point that Alan will be working with them temporary, but he won't be a member of the band. Soon Dave understood that temporary started to mean a year, even if their new album went out without mentioning Alan's name. But Alan didn't care much as it seemed. And soon Dave became really aware of the Martin's attention to Alan. He couldn't see any reason but he seemed that he was stuck on him at some point.
Miller told them to include a new song into the album that one Martin was written with Vince.
- What will Vince tell for that? - Martin asked.
- Everything's alright, - Daniel said.
- Who will be writing songs…in general? - Martin asked.
- You will, - Dave and Fletch said at once.
- Why me?
- Are you clinical idiot or what? - Tactfully asked Dave.
- But I'm afraid, - Martin said.
Martin was sitting near the table, propping his chin with both hands. There was an empty sheet of paper right before him. He was sitting like that about four hours, but it was useless, all ideas that were coming into his mind were paralyzed by a thought that this song would be heard by so many people. His dumb solitude was breaking from time to time with Dave sticking his head with big pointed ears inside and yelling:
- Everything's ready?
He was never listening for Martin's answer; he was closing the door earlier.
Then Alan entered the room. He jeered Martin for his creative process for some time.
- Massage to the creator? - He asked, smirking and put his hands on Martin's shoulders.
- Piss off, - Martin giggled.
Soon they were sitting together, still giggling and shoving each other, and soon they composed something. This something was recorded as a single Work Hard, and released. It was not that bad. Dave didn't like the song but since Daniel said that it's okay, so it was okay then, Dave decided that he probably don't understand nothing.
Alan was new in London and he didn't have a lot of friends there, so he was hanging on them three, so even Fletch got used to Alan soon and actually couldn't remember now why he was objecting that hard before.
And once it happened.
Alan invited Martin to his apartments, to show some musical records. They drank a little more then they decided. Martin was ready to go home when something or someone had pushed Alan to do that. He grabbed Martin's face with his both hands and crashed his lips with his mouth. He didn't know why. He just wanted it like that. He pressed Martin's lean frame into the door.
Martin behaved very passively. He didn't answer on Alan's kisses but, on the other hand he didn't try to break free. Alan turned Martin's head aside and started to cover his long neck, his ear and his temple with kisses. Martin obviously loved it more, because he even bent his head to let Alan a better access. He sighed somehow convulsively and Alan knew he hit the right spot.
Alan grabbed his head, messing his fingers with Martin's crazy mane, he was holding guy's waist with his other hand and he dragged Martin off the door toward himself, making Martin throw back his head and ravishing his mouth.
- I want you now, - he whispered hoarsely, when he was forced to interrupt his kiss for the lack of the oxygen. He felt Martin tensed in his arms immediately. And that was the thing that gave Martin out faster then any other words. And the actual state of affairs was…that he, Alan was the first. Alan found this thought amusing.
More then amusing. He was excited by this though above any reasonable levels, he actually didn't think that he would take a tutor's role this time.
- Oh, c'mon, - he whispered right into the Martin's ear - You know, I will do nothing that you wouldn't want me to…let's go…since there's no one here, let's go…kissing, - he said.
Alan was so turned on by his new role he forgot about the world outside immediately. He didn't lie to Martin, he was just kissing him, tenderly and carefully and rather long time like if blonde guy was a girl, and actually even more tenderly then he could kiss a girl. Under the shirt, down and across his nipples, he made Martin feel dizzy with his caress and made him stop thinking. He satisfied Martin's later, and made him satisfied him too. Well and actually everything had been started from this very moment.
The trap was lying somewhere near, because there seemed to be no moral or decent limits on their relationships. And they enchanted them because of that. There were the times when Alan couldn't think about anything normally but about how it will be tonight again. It became a drug to everyone and there was no way out. Fletch probably started to feel something about them both, because this chemistry was too hard to hide; only Dave haven't got a clue of what's going on.
He didn't understand and he refused to see something wrong. He was sitting with them, contriving another idiotic sounds meditating on synthesizers keys for hours, but it did no good. Martin was with him but at the same time he wasn't. Something had happened to him in the way that he closed himself from Dave completely like a shell. And that was the thing that was making Dave mad.
Someday he refused to go with him and Mark at some concert, and he even didn't name the reason why. Alan was standing near him and a strange smile was curving the corners of his mouth. As Dave remembered it was a first time that they had a fight with Martin.
***
Dave and Christian Eighner even had a lot of laughs about it. They were joking that stiff boiled Martin drove really mad even his wife Susanne so that she turned him out of house and home. Consider the situation where they both were he should really contrive to do it. Martin moved into his studio under the legend that he was making his own solo record, but he wasn't communicate to anyone for several months, he was just drinking hard.
Dave was trying to provoke him to talk or to react somehow, but that was useless. Probably it was much easier to have a fight with the wooden door. To be honest he started to worry, what ever happened in their fucking miserable life that they wouldn't call each other for several month. Week's okay, he could take a week, or two…well even three…probably. But two months?! He was giggling from the start that they were never stopped talking to each other for that long. Three, four and five and Holy Shit, half a year, he actually stopped laughing.
He's like a king without a crown
He wears it like a clown
Watch him disappear
I wish he would come down
So call before you drown
I won't always be around
He's a ship without a sail
He's not listening when you speak
Living for the bottle
He'll be sitting there all week **
He was provoking him still, trying to fucking hit the soft spot. Anyway he was even happy almost when he heard from Eighner who was Philippot's friend who was working on Martin that they are recording Counterfeit Square.
A dog without a bite
Still looking for a fight
All in black
He won't be home tonight
Yeah
There's no light on in his eyes
How heavy are the lies
Just jump right out his skin
He'll take you for a ride ** Bottle living by Dave Gahan (Paper Monsters)
Martin released Stardust video and Dave didn't have any doubts that he meant them both. Hotel rooms damn hell fucking hotel rooms, strip-dancers in his Exciter's outfit. So you believe that I am a whore dancing before your eyes? I can't say I'm surprised. Because I am. Martin's words hurt him like a slap in the face.
Ah look what they've done to the rock'n'roll clown
Ah rock'n'roll clown, look he's down on the ground
Well he used to high fly but he crashed out the sky
In a stardust ring, hey rock 'n roll king is down ***
He knew that the song held a big part of evil self-irony but words hurt him anyway.
Roll on up, won't you come and take a look at me
Roll on up, come one at a time, and see me
See my painted-on grin as a stand up to sing
In a stardust ring, hey rock'n'roll king is down ***
Dave answered him that HIS time's probably over but Dave's time is only in its beginning and since that he didn't hear anything from Martin. But then they started to talk officially. Dave was boasting Martin about his achievements and he was happy about the attention that his album had and he was very optimistic at the topic of his future success. Martin didn't share his enthusiasm, but was saying that he's happy for Dave. Dave was thinking that Martin is envying him and he was telling him about that. Martin was laughing and carefully mentioned that it all seems a little bit different from his point of view. Then Dave's conscience started to nibble him and he wrote several songs where he tried to apologize somehow, his songs were howling - talk to me, I can't be without you, do whatever you want to do but talk to me. Martin didn't react; he was acting if he didn't understand and Dave was up to wail. He felt shitty alone in his studio. Well there were people, musicians and his friends, but he felt his complete and absolute loneliness there with them all. He even started to bring his white cat to his studio, whishing him to make his master to feel better.
Cat jumped up onto the armchair, where some guitar was laying. He smelled the guitar and curled himself into a ball right on the guitar, while his paws were lying on the strings. Christian said that he's feeling like on Exciter's recordings. Dave didn't got his hint from the start but later when he comprehend he almost strangled Christian for his joke. Well, but he shouldn't be that naive, Christian helped him to write songs, he probably understood everything just perfect.
But he's the leader of the band
He is a lonely man
Do-Don't you wanna take his hand
Yes you know you can, can, can*** Stardust (from Counterfeit2)
As far as it seems Susanne made a deadly impact to his pride, when she Martin couldn't ever forgive. He was playing with his kids, carrying his son on his hands, his grown up daughters was with him everywhere he even let Viva and Ava sing with him on stage. His wife Susanne seemed to him like an annoying appendix to his children. In some paradoxical way what had to kill him, made him stronger like nothing ever could.
He found a way to find a lover in his tour. No, not a usual one-night-stand whore, not a half-an-hour fan, but a lover, he even introduced her to journalists like his new girlfriend. He managed to move to her place somewhere to the east, into Turkey. Christian took a receiver from Dave's hand and asked Martin giggling, why the hell wouldn't he became a Muslim, so he could have as much wives as he want.
Martin laughed and answered Christian that it was a good idea. But the romance didn't last too long and soon there was another near him.
***
The Californian Show was so close and Dave became really aware of that fact more and more each day. He feared the possibility to see him again, but more then that, he feared the possibility that Martin wouldn't come. Alan, cunt laughing at him but he's fucking right in his every word.
Californian concert wasn't the best show he ever did because Dave was nearly paralyzed when he understood that Martin's here. He understood it before it was said to him and even before he seen them, he felt them with his skin like a prey feels a hunter. Christian and his guitarist Martyn almost dragged him on stage, his legs failed him.
Martin was tanned and with short hair again, he came closer, he looked at Dave's referent Jeff with some perplexity in his face and hidden laughter in his eyes, because it seemed that Jeff tried to block his way. Darrel pushed the guy easily with one soft movement of his shoulder and stood still near the doors of Dave's dressing room, crossing his hands, bold and clever with bright sarcastic eyes, tall and big like a jenny from the Aladdin's fairy-tale.
Dave cursed, turning around.
- I am sweaty, I need to take a shower, - he said.
- I came here not to fuck, - Martin's lips pretended a smile.
Dave set down on the corner of the table and rubbed his face with the towel.
- That was mean, Martin.
- Sorry I can't help it.
- What do you want? - Dave asked tiredly looking at Martin.
- You know, - Martin said, not exactly answering Dave's question, - it was weird. I mean it. Really weird to hear Depeche Mode song's from the side but that's was not that awful like I thought.
- Thank you for your warm words, - gloomily Dave said.
- UHM….I mean you did it fine, - Martin corrected himself.
- I didn't believe you'd come, - Dave said.
- Me too, - Martin nodded somehow confused.
And Dave didn't feel himself too comfortable under his heavy gaze. Someone knocked and they both turned their heads. Martin finally found enough strength to move.
- I just wanted to see you, - he said, came closer and hugged Dave, carefully tugging him closer as if he was afraid that he can break. Dave choked with the air and he felt that something is agonizingly painfully hurting him inside somewhere between his ribs, - I have to go now, before Darrel killed someone there, - he whispered stepping back.
Dave noticed stains from his sweat on white Martin's t-shirt but Martin seemed didn't care about it much. Dave let him go, kissing him lightly into his cheek right before Martin's gone. He bit his lower lip not to let this traitor's warm tickling to spread all through his body.
- Bye, - he said.
- Bye, - Martin answered and didn't look back.
***
I am free from him. Finally.
Dave woke up in the morning early.
He returned home after jogging and took a shower, put on fresh t-shirt and pants. It was Sunday morning and he didn't want to wake up his family, so he carefully shut living room door. He turned on music not too loud and came closer to the window. Musical center played random, he wondered why this fucking random chose from five inserted disks his Ultra. He couldn't remember that he listened it before, but nevermind. Dave was gazing at New-York in the morning. He was gazing at the streets and buildings colored warm reddish yellow with the tender morning sunlight. His cat was walking across the room pompously curving his back and lifted up his tail. Dave took cat into his hands and cuddled him.
- Look, cat, it's beautiful! - He said, making cat's muzzle look at the window. The cat was doomed to hang on Dave's hands gloomily, he seemed not feeling himself very good but, it seemed by his philosophic muzzle that he was done to fight with his master already.
Dave was thinking about everything. He was thinking about everything that he should pass, he was thinking about what he's got now. He was thinking about the freedom he gained now. He was thinking about the price he should pay, he was thinking about Him only for a little just to find in deep relief that he's not in him anymore. He finally found his freedom.
He was thinking that he did it by himself.
Then he heard something in the song.
Rewind.
And again.
Step out of your cage
And onto the stage
It's time to start
Playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom's a state **** Freestate by M.L.Gore
Dave dropped the cat with the surprise; cat said "meow" very gloomily and landed on his four paws. Dave slipped down by the wall; his chest was burning and scorching inside again so he couldn't hold back his tears.
He was cursing very badly for a long time and hit the wall with his head.
- Bastard, - he said to the cat, sitting on the floor and staring at Dave, - bastard. Bastard. Bastard.
He was wiping tears from his cheeks, paying little attention that they are rolling again and again.
- Fucking Pleasure-breaker, - he smirked through the tears to a cat, who wasn't much impressed if to judge after his white philosophic muzzle, - I thought,…I am a fool….I though it was me. I thought I did it by myself. I changed my life and I grew up and I overdid myself and I finally killed this shameful disease, slowly killing me from inside all this time. I finally killed this ugly love and just in this exact moment it appeared that he wanted me to do that. He was making me to do that. Holy fucking shit Jesus Christ, God I need your mercy 'cos I'm gonna jump off the window right now, oh shit, he fucking did me…Jim. You know, this cunt, he didn't even hide it, he was thinking about it in ninety six. Fuck. I didn't noticed that…I am dumb, but he's the fucking bitch…he is a fucking bitch, Jim….Jim…Jim, fuck, Jim. Fucking shit it is so immoral, mean, unfriendly, bitchy and Gore-style fiend-like, I lost my ability to speech.
Dave jumped up onto his feet and hid his face in his hands, his shoulders were shaking from laughter, - Fuck you Jim, I love him. I just love him. Again and again. Over and over again. Fucking shit. Go away Jimmy, - he kicked the cat with his leg, Jimmy jumped off offended, - Now I know what to do! Yes, I know what to do. And truth will be on my side. I'll do it my way. Gahan style now.
He called Depeche Mode's press-secretary to make some appointments with several magazines because he, Dave Gahan is ready to make an official statement.
He hasn't been surprised when next morning his telephone became white hot, it was ringing that often. Miller was cursing him nearly half an hour with such words, even Dave never heard them from him all twenty five years that they were working together. He asked Dave what the shit did he eat before and who's selling him drugs again, and when Dave answered him that he doesn't taking drugs now Miller said, you cunt you better take! Kessler said: are you fucking nuts? Fletch from London went straight to the point and asked if Dave needs a psychiatric emergency, he can call if whatsoever. Christian called to he wondered wouldn't he be fucking fired after all this, as he is a Dave friend and you know because the god moves in mysterious ways.
- Guess who DIDN'T call? - Dave asked Jennifer, entering his bedroom and telling her everything what happened this morning, - no, really, guess who?
Jennifer turned onto her side and yawned, pulling a blanket to her head and said:
- Don't offend your baby.
- Jeez! - Dave said indignantly, - Life hates me. Imagine it! I am fighting with Mart and my own wife taking his side, huh? Fucking shit, where this world moving at?
- Fuck you, Dave, - Jennifer said, - I want to sleep.
The cat jumped up onto the bed and rolled into a ball near Jennifer's hip, impudently gazing at Dave and showing with his entire look that unforeseeable circumstance forcing him to take their side too.
Dave retired to the living-room, hit the soccer ball of his step-son and called Miller.
- Gahan, why haven't you died when you were a kid? - Miller asked.
- Listen, Dan, I'm asking you to make a new Depeche Mode convention. I have a lot to say.
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