Chapter 8

“I cannot maintain a semblance of Normal anymore…”

He was feeling like shit and he didn’t even move this time. He felt an arm draped over his middle and a body pressing against his back. His fingers were throbbing and he felt so fucking hot and the room was spinning even without opening his eyes. What the fuck has happened?

Jim didn’t have much time to muse on it, because a wave of nausea hit him hard and he half-blindly scrambled out of bed, trying to not mess up the floor. Stumbling and banging against a few things with his side or shoulders he just made it in time to the toilet and dropped on his knees to retch his guts out while hugging the porcelain throne.

The glamorous life of a rock star, he thought bitterly as his eyes welled up from emptying the little he had in his stomach. He didn’t even care about his hair. He would wash it out under a much needed shower anyways. Fuck his life.

Without a word Corey kneeled behind his mate and caressed the long hair away from his forehead. He felt like crying. Fuck... He had flashbacks from his past with Paul. And he felt awful.

It took some time for the spasms to ease up and Jim to be able to wipe his mouth and nose with some toilet paper before flushing. He felt disgusting and ashamed for Corey having to see him like this. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, trying to ignore the heavy pounding in his head. It was as if Joey found a way in there with his fucking drum kit for a good drumming session.

"Toothpaste... shower," he mumbled, lightly squeezing Corey's caressing hand. The sharp pain finally made him look down a bit surprised to see the dried blood from the cuts on his fingers, but he just sighed and gathered his strength to drag himself to the sink and quickly wash his teeth to get rid of the bad taste in his mouth, his eyes avoiding Corey's as he felt so fucking bad for putting his shit on the singer's shoulder too.

Corey just nodded and stood there watching Jim washing his teeth. He felt like vanishing for letting Jim get this way. “I'm sorry, love. I help you shower. You want me to?” he asked low and concerned.

“Yeah,” Jim said after drinking some water from the tap to ease the roughness of his voice from the retching. He reached out a hand for Corey to help him walk on his unsteady legs. He felt like he was a thousand years old man as fatigue took over his exhausted body. He had no idea when was the last time he’d eaten a full meal. His diet consisted mostly of booze and pot nowadays. No wonder he didn’t lose weight. Rolling his burning eyes at himself he took off his T-shirt and boxers and stood under the barely warm water, taking deep breaths as his skin got used to the temperature. It felt fucking good. Then he let his mate help him clean up.

“I’ll get better, I promise. I just… overdid it last night,” he said, hissing as the water and shower gel made contact with his fingers, so he rather let the washing part to Corey, focusing on staying standing instead. This was going to be a “fun” day to look forward to. And they were traveling to their next destination soon. Fuck. He had to play the next night with his cut and numb fingers. Double fuck.

“It's okay love. I help you in everything,” Corey said and kissed the nape of his mate as he washed the long shaking body. He noticed the expression Jim made. “We have to put bandage on your fingers,” he added closing the shower tap and fetching a towel to rub him dry more or less. His head was spinning too but he had to focus on Jim now.

“Yeah,” Jim hung his head low, hiding behind his wet but finally clean hair as his lover rubbed him more or less dry. He wanted to do the same to return the favor, but he couldn’t. I’m failing him again. I’m going to fail the band and the fans too with such fingers, he thought bitterly.

“We should try to eat something… You look like crap too,” he chuckled dryly as he finally looked at Corey. “Then rest before we have to hit the road. Room service? And aspirin. Lots of it,” he groaned and stepped to his lover to hug him a bit awkwardly before walking back into the bedroom.

“Yeah… I could use some of that too. And some ice. Or a bucket of it,” Corey chuckled too and followed, picking up the phone to order what was needed. He has to make it up to Jim somehow.

After taking the tray inside he walked to the bed to hug and caress his man. “Want to eat? Or just aspirin?” he asked on a light tone, pressing his body to Jim and a kiss to the other's face too.

“Aspirin and water first,” he smiled a bit from the signs of Corey’s affection. It felt good after what he’s been doing in the past hour. Jim wasn’t an overly talkative person, but now he was quieter than usual as he waited then took and swallowed the pills with some water. He hoped he could stomach some light breakfast.

Swallowing his share of the painkillers and sipping on the banana shake on ice cubes made Corey feel a bit better physically at least. His hangover was not a matter as he got used to the symptoms over the years. Going back to show his caring and love to Jim he sat on the edge of the bed and nuzzled the long arm next to him. “I'm sorry that I am not here for you as you deserve it. I try to be better for you. Actually… You… You are the one I'm trying to be better for. And I'm sorry that I'm failing you and the promise I've made.”

Jim was just staring at the food, his throbbing and sore fingers resting on his thighs as he felt Corey nuzzle his tattooed arm, talking to him. Strands of his wet hair fell into his pale face as he nodded along to the singer’s words. “I’m sorry too, baby,” he looked at him with his hazel puppy eyes. “I’m failing my promise to Pauly too,” he murmured but didn’t say more just shook his head. “Could you get me something to wrap my fingers in? I messed them up a bit last night. Lost my pick at one point,” he shrugged. He had no appetite either as he was sitting there cross-legged on the bed, feeling like shit and an utter disappointment.

“Yeah, sure,” Corey stood and searched over his backpack for some stronger band aid and dermo cream to heal the cuts faster. “This will fix it up fast. You'll rock just like new,” he smiled up at Jim kneeling down and treating the damaged fingers, even kissing gently each bandaged fingertip and nuzzled Jim's thigh looking up at him with sad blue eyes. “Talk to me please. I want to make you feel better… Can I?”

The guitarist’s expression was closed as his lover took care of his fingers. But when he was done and rested his head on the long thigh, Jim thanked him for his help, lifted a hand and with the back of it caressed Corey’s cheek, contemplating on what to say. “I don’t know really what to say, you know…” he sighed and to buy some time for himself, he reached for a buttered toast to munch on. Maybe his stomach would be able to handle that.

He ate in silence, but put half of the bread back on the tray when his stomach said no to more. Instead he drank some more water and kept caressing Corey’s cheek and head. He wasn’t ready to tell everything that was on his mind and in his heart, but maybe a little would help him feel a bit better. Maybe.

“I promised Pauly to… stay strong… keep you safe and take care of you, you know… But I’m obviously not doing a very good job…” he snorted. After all, Corey ended up pulling back from him and disappearing nearly every night by then. “I don’t want to lose you because I’m fucked up,” he said bitterly and looked into Corey’s sad eyes. “Do you still want me to belong to you? Because I do, but I’m not sure you feel the same. And I don’t want to hold you or drag you back… I never wanted to do that…” he trailed off, trying to put a lid on his messed up thoughts. He didn’t even know if what he was saying made sense to Corey.

“It's not your fault, Jimmy. It's me. I… See and hear things... And I can't cope with it,” Corey confessed burying his face in the sheet next to Jim's thigh. He cannot mess up Jim too. Not him. His fucking brain always makes him ruin everyone like he is a fucking plague. He felt his bitter tears welling up again as he hid away his face. In his shut eyes his mind flashing visions to torture him, mostly of a pair of black sad eyes.

“I want to be yours and want you to be mine… I want to take care of you,” Corey whispered as he tried to get himself together. Promising to hell knows who to really do that, but he meant every word of it.

Jim’s heart was breaking once again seeing Corey so vulnerable. He knew he was one of the very few the singer let this side of him to see. He always felt honored when Corey let him in like this. In a twisted way he’d missed it too. Not that Cor was miserable and probably hating his own guts out, but the fact that he’d let Jim in a bit again. He was the strongest drug Jim has ever had – and the most addictive one too. He just hoped that they would find a way to balance each other out instead of ruining everything. This relationship had to work… for both their sakes.

He so wanted to ask what Corey was seeing and hearing so he could listen and try to figure out something to help the singer, but the tall man knew that just admitting that was probably hard enough for Corey, so he decided not to push it for now. He could ask him later too. Now they needed time to heal each other.

Now that Joey wasn’t so loud in his head and his stomach settled too, Jim could think clearer. He slid his bandaged up fingers down to Corey’s neck to caress along the now barely visible “necklace”. “Look at me, Cor,” the guitarist asked as Jim, not as Corey’s master. “I want you to take care of me and I want to take care of you too. That will never change,” he said. “Come here,” he murmured and pulled Corey onto his lap, his long arms going around the smaller body to hold him tight and safe. “I want us to make love now, Corey. The rest can wait. I want to feel you close and around me. What you say?” he kissed the other man’s forehead.

Only able to nod and plant sweet kisses on the long neck, pushing his body closer to his mate, he was shaking from his own messed up brain. He wanted to feel loved and belonged too. Accepted after all of the crap he did to everyone. To feel okay and that he is for someone. Someone as great and giving as Jim. How can he fuck up Jim??? His dark emotions started to beat him up again as his body trembled more. “I'm sorry. I want to... Make love to me, Jimmy. Please...” he lifted his head to look into the hazel eyes with his own desperate blue ones.

“Shh… I will, baby,” Jim held him a bit tighter and leaned down to kiss the trembling lips. This time the urging and raw moves were missing as they got lost in the kisses and caresses. Then Jim rolled on top of the singer, his mouth worshipping the soft lips and the thick neck as he was rocking lightly against the other erection.

It felt so amazing to let Corey fill all of his senses again… He wanted to hide from his problems and fucked up thoughts in the other man at least for a while. Handing the lube to the singer Jim kept staring at the flushed man under him. He was so tiny compared to him, which was always fucking with Jim’s mind in a good way. “Open yourself up for me, baby. I can’t now…” he trailed off after undressing Cor, meaning his sore and bandaged up fingers. Then his intense eyes kept watching Corey, the sounds he made sending shivers down his spine, right into his leaking cock.

Moaning along as his own fingers moved inside his needy body, the singer kept his eyes on his lover. He wanted this so much. He wanted it! His heart was aching for the love he knew for sure Jim could give him. The long strong body hovering above him, making him feel protected and safe. Corey wanted to be in love madly and get lost in it. To share it with Jim. But his brain kept telling him he was worthless of that all. But now… He just wanted to feel it. Let his senses get lost in the gentle touches, the scent of his lover, the feeling that he is wanted and cared for... Deciding that he was ready, he pulled his fingers out of his body and crossed his legs over the hips of the man above him. “I love you, Jimmy. I'm yours…”

The guitarist moaned from Corey’s words, his eyes softening then he slid his long cock into the trembling body with a long groan. This was heaven. It felt like getting home. “I love you too, Corey… Always had. Always will. I’m yours too…” he whispered onto the singer’s lips then as Jim started moving in and out of Corey with his long strokes, he began kissing him deeply and thoroughly.

For now Jim was trying to push back his self-doubt and pain too in favor of letting his love for this man show in each kiss, stroke and move he made. As well as enjoying what he got in return. He was covering Corey’s willing body as much as he could. Now he was only Jim’s and the guitarist was only his. After a while, when the throbbing in his fingers got stronger from this position, Jim rolled onto his back, pulling Corey along and asking him to ride him.

Placing his hands on the sweaty chest of his lover, Corey was riding him slow, enjoying every sensation, every touch of the big hands on his sides and hips, just like he wanted to carve the feelings inside his heart to remember being loved and accepted for as long as possible. His bloodlust and need for pain was nowhere as he opened his heart up to his mate and wanted to make Jim feel just as amazing as Corey saw the guitarist in his eyes.

Corey was so beautiful as their bodies were like meeting waves, mixing together over and over with each roll of their hips. Jim couldn’t get enough of the sight and feeling as he was staring up at the singer, drinking in every detail of his body. The way a sweat drop was running down on his chest tattoo, or the shaky breaths he was taking through his slightly parted lips, or the jumping of muscles under skin. But what Jim loved the most was the singer’s relaxed expression that was showing sheer pleasure.

For most of the time Jim was resting his slightly trembling hands on Corey’s thigh or hips, occasionally stroking him or holding his small ass that was taking him so smoothly and beautifully it was insane. The guitarist wanted to squeeze, but instead he kept caressing the sweaty body. As sappy as it might have sounded, he wanted to cry, because Corey was giving in his all, Jim could tell. And Jim gave back just as good.

“Come here…” he asked Corey hoarsely. “Kiss me.”

Even as Corey stretched upon Jim's body, the taller man had to lift his head to reach his lips to stay connected. The kiss was gentle and loving at first, then as Corey's hips grinded faster, also their lips got more demanding, building up to their orgasms slowly, sharing their deep emotions. By the time their lips parted they both where moaning loud, the small man got into his pre-orgasmic trance and all those grunting-whining-moaning sounds escaped his lips and throat as he was also chasing Jim toward their release.

That kiss was fucking amazing. Jim felt like melting as their tongues were battling with each other, none of them taking over. It was an equal share, they were giving and taking the same amount. It was fucking beautiful, he thought. And then they were both panting and Corey was making those exciting noises again which could always drive Jim insane. They were both getting close and as the guitarist was watching Corey, his fingers flexing on the hip he was holding and guiding, he didn't even care that his fingers were sensitive. With his other hand he took the bobbing and leaking cock in his palm and started jerking the singer hoping that he'd mark him as his with his seed too. The thought and the sight made Jim groan too, his hips bucking up faster and sharper to meet Corey's moves. "So close... C’mon..." he urged the singer to let go for him and take him along for the ride.

There was not much need for the urging as Corey was on the edge already and after a few rough moves of his hips he reached his climax with a cramping body and pulled Jim stronger inside him as his seed messed up their bellies.

"Fuck yes!" Jim cried out, watching and enjoying as they got hit by Corey’s seed and he was pulled deeper into that fucking amazing heat that was pulsing around him. Jim fucked up into Corey a few more times then he came too with a long groan, his hand squeezing the last drops of Corey's cum from his relieved member.

Wiping it off on the redhead's thigh, Jim pulled him back down onto his messy chest, an urge to kiss the singer quickly flooding him, although they both were still panting and not really down to earth just yet. But he wanted to bask in their union for a few more moments before reality would crash back in to ruin it.

Getting off of Jim slowly, Corey moved up a bit to nuzzle and kiss his mate properly, panting onto the swollen lips. He has to hold onto this feeling and not let Jim fall apart. He must try his best. No matter how the shadows of his past kept coming back to his vision.

After a few minutes of kissing and calming down, Jim was holding Corey close as they were enjoying the limited time they had before it was time to pack and hit the road again. Jim wasn't looking forward to that. He was afraid of the next show because of his fingers, but he didn't show or say that.

But something else was bugging his mind too that he tried to decide if he should ask or not. Finally he did while sliding his hand onto the singer's waist. "What kind of things have you been seeing and hearing? Will you tell me, love?"

As a response Corey hid his face in the crook of his mate's neck. He would mess up either way. But he had to show Jim that he trusted him and was close to him. Swallowing hard he finally spoke on a low broken voice, barely above a whisper. “Pauly… I feel him around me…”

Just as the guitarist thought. He suppressed a bitter sigh and simply stroked the small of Corey’s back with his knuckles in a comforting way. “It’s understandable. His death was a shock and is still fresh. And you two were very close.” Closer than us will ever be, Jim thought, the slightly bitter taste lingering in his mouth, although he’d learned to live with and be content with what Corey could give him. And Jim was always going to be true to what he said: he didn’t want to replace Pauly or become him. “Give some time for yourself, Cor.”

“I'm sorry,” the singer breathed feeling awful. What was he thinking??? For fuck’s sake... He just made Jim feel not enough again. And that was the last thing he wanted to do. “You know how important you are to me? How differently I adore you? Please don't think it is because you are not good enough for me. I just feel as... I was not enough to keep him safe… And I can't bear myself and my thoughts…”

He wanted to believe that. So badly. For now he did and pressed a kiss on the top of Corey’s head and held him tighter. He was about to say something, when his phone started buzzing on the nightstand. When the fuck did that end up there? He thought he’d left it on the couch. Probably the singer put it there.

Sighing he reached out for it and checked the ID. It was Shawn. After a few awkward attempts with his numb fingers he managed to pick it up. To be honest, he felt a bit as if he was saved by the call since he didn’t really know what to reply to Corey. “Hey. What’s up, man?” he asked then cleared his throat.

“Just reminding you two lovebirds that it’s time to stop fucking and getting your shit together. We’re leaving in an hour.” Shawn, always the charming man. That actually made Jim smile to himself.

“What makes you think…?”

“I stopped by your room a while ago to tell you this in person. I heard. Fucking teenagers…” he snorted good-heartedly.

“Okay, whatever. We’ll be down in the lobby in time. Thanks, man,” he said then hung up and looked down at Corey. “We’re leaving in an hour and I think we wounded Shawn for life ‘cuz he’d heard us,” he chuckled low.

“He will get over it,” the singer murmured and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He was at the brink of crying and falling apart and telling all to Jim. Everything. His hallucinations and feelings. All that was with Paul and what is with him. Clown’s call saved him. Or not. Right there he wasn't sure what would be better. 

Walking out he started to get dressed and pack his stuff. The wheels inside his brain kept going and his guilt was chewing on him hard again. And those black eyes followed him wherever he looked.

Next chapter

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