"It'll come to that." There was no if, a feral alpha driven by instincts confronted with a mate having power, it would be natural to battle him for dominance. Derek would smell the fact the other was pack so he wouldn't die but it was going to be bloody, violent and rough. All the things the wolf had learned to control, all the things he stopped being if he had a say in it. The only reason why he was even agreeing to this was because he knew Stiles would find a way, the confidence he had in his own abilities didn't appease his own worries. The human was going to end up hurt so the fact he would swear on his mother to defend himself was in fact needed, he needed to know this was not going to be Stiles lying there and taking it, for Derek to get a clear head and discover his mate a beaten up pulp. That couldn't happen.

Derek loved the way they were, how they switched dominance effortlessly and to see Stiles grow into his own confidence to take control over him. It was different for a werewolf when reduced to the basics.

"If you smile and bare your teeth at me, I will see it as a threat. Your words won't mean much to me so you can't talk me into calming." Which hadn't been Stiles' strength to begin with, his mouth usually got him into trouble. Just as Derek's did, only he didn't talk enough while the human talked too much. It was simple though, Derek healed and Stiles didn't. So he better use his magic to defend himself, repeatedly, the wolf wasn't going to remember much of it anyways so it didn't matter.

What he hated most about it was the fact that all of his precious control went right out the window. All he had worked so hard for had been taken from him with torture so he had to rebuild again. All these years of fighting the hunters' ideas of werewolves being monstrous beasts and he was reduced to exactly that. Ruts weren't supposed to be something to dread and yet he feared the entire week. Stiles was going to see him like that, it could change things forever between them. "I only bring you trouble and drama," he muttered in return.

Stiles listened intently, drinking in every morsel of information in preparation. Because he was going to do this, no matter what Deaton says. He can ward the loft off so an in-rut feral alpha wouldn't be able to roam free. He was good enough with mountain ash and holding Derek down too in case he needed a breather. He was steeling himself for this challenge already.

"Hey..." his eyes softened to Derek's last sentence and after putting the cake and fork down, he scooted over to him on the couch to take his hand in his. "That's SO not true. There's some trouble and drama, yes, but you bring me so, so much more! You are family. My mate, my home..." he said, voice failing him for a moment. My love. Even if he didn't say it out loud yet, he knew Derek would probably feel it thanks to their mate bond.

"So cut that crap very fast, Derek. I'll do this for both of us. To prove you that I want ALL of you. Even when you're driven by pure instinct. Let me help, okay?" he leaned a bit closer, not letting Derek break the eye-contact. "Thank you for your pointers. I'll keep them in mind and now..." he lightly squeezed the wolf's hand in his, feeling through their bond how difficult it was for him to talk about these things. But they had to so Stiles could be prepared. "Now I'm gonna ask you quite a few questions – many very personal and intimate, I know – and probably later too when they pop up in my mind. I want to know about preferably everything and anything that might happen during that week. It's important for me to know for both our safety. So please, answer all truthfully. No sugarcoating, okay?" he asked deadly serious.

He waited until he got a barely there nod then took a deep breath.

"Alright... So during your rut what should I expect? Human form, beta shift, full on wolf shift or all three? Do you sleep or eat? Are there clear moments for you at least towards the end? Should I be prepared for attempts at knotting? How dangerous can that be when you are in such a state? I mean... I know you're very careful and in control when we do it in general so you wouldn't hurt us. Should I try to avoid letting you knot me in that state or is it okay to let you close to me like that? Perhaps towards the end?" Stiles paused. He was positive that he could fight off and keep Derek from trying to do that to him. Especially if he can turn things around and distract him with for example, fucking him instead. "Or can I milk your knot without penetration too? I'm asking these because I don't know everything about wolf anatomy yet," he chuckled a bit nervously and apologetically, a faint blush tainting his cheeks, but he didn't look away. "Also... is there a chance that you might want to scratch or bite me for real?" Of course he meant the deep enough scratches or bites that could turn someone into a werewolf. And this was the bigger problem.

Derek had difficulty believing a word Stiles had said about him giving him more than trouble. Stiles had given up his home, his job, his entire new life to be with the Hale. And he got out of control magic, a mate with half a tortured soul who was about to go into rut in a not good way, and if one of them died, they both would die. How was any of that fair? How could he want all of Derek when he got so little in return? How could he love him? But he didn't want to talk about it, not more. He wanted to cut the crap and move on so he didn't have to say more. Stiles wasn't going to take no for an answer anyways.

Instead his pale green eyes were on the hand clasping his own, a feint blush on his cheeks from the very intimate questions. As blunt as he was to others, he wasn't used to having somebody ask him about sex like that. And he knew it was ridiculous to blush about it, it was normal to have sex, it was okay to be asking about it and this was Stiles, he always wanted to be prepared. That didn't mean Derek had been prepared for... all of that.

"No full wolf shift, I can't concentrate enough for it. I think. Don't remember much of my ruts. Beta shift for sure." He had never had sex in beta shift before, too dangerous, too much of everything, too inhuman for his previous bed partners to have an interest in. But since there was such a lack of control, he knew he'd probably be more in beta shift than humanoid. "Knotting is unavoidable. It'll happen each time, most likely." The last part was muttered but again, without any kind of control, the things he was normally so careful with were going to be there. Full blown and over the top. "I won't understand you not letting me knot you. I won't be careful so you have to make sure you've prepared yourself or I'll rip you wide open." Stiles didn't want sugarcoating, he thought he could handle this so the wolf made sure he knew what it would mean for him.

"I don't know about... what works. I haven't..." There was a deep sigh. "I don't know fully how the knot works, but you can fuck me as well, probably will want that too." It would be a moment of respite, not that the other was going to get many of those. "It'll be a pause for you. I won't sleep much unless I pass out, I will forget to eat or drink. Which is better that way, more chances of me passing out to give you some time as well so don't make me eat or drink. I won't have control, Stiles, so biting and scratching is possible. Why do you think I've asked you to defend yourself? I will know you're mate, pack. But I won't know your name, I won't know mine."

The emissary listened carefully again, storing away the new information Derek was sharing with him with the cutest blush on his cheeks. Though once or twice Stiles' eyes widened a bit as the wolf spread out all the cards on the table – bluntly, like he asked. But Stiles still wasn't really scared. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing, a sign of blind trust in Derek and his own abilities, or if it meant that he wasn't completely sane and had a death wish. Some might say it was the latter, but Stiles never really cared about others' opinion when it came to his decisions. He acted according to what his moral compass and instincts dictated.

He stayed silent for a whole minute once Derek stopped talking, thinking through everything he had shared about this part of himself while chewing on his own bottom lip, tasting chocolate. He didn't pull back or looked horrified. He probably should have, but his self-preservation instincts didn't kick in at all. Instead he kept drawing grounding little circles onto Derek's hand with his thumb, his heartbeat a bit faster and skipping once or twice, but otherwise he appeared calmer and more collected than he thought he would be. Because it wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be dangerous, just like Derek said. And Stiles wasn't sure what it told about him that nonetheless he was ready to dive head first into that rut with Derek. Maybe he was a masochist in the end.

His eyes were rapidly moving as they were dropped somewhere around the level of Derek's chest. A sign that his mind was running a mile a minute. Ideas and plans were being born, some thrown out right away, others sticking in the back of his mind for later to elaborate on.

"Okay... okay," he finally murmured and looked up at Derek. "So let's sum it up so far," he said more to himself. "No full on wolf sex... which is cool, because I think I'm not ready for that yet," he emphasized the last word and paused for a moment to let that sink in for Derek. "Beta form it is then... Huh... and I have a feeling the butt plug collection I've got for us will come in handy in keeping myself ready," he chuckled, a hint of nervousness in his voice as his long fingers began playing with Derek's. It was both to do something with his always restless hands and also to ground himself somewhat too. Frankly, the odds of surviving the rut as a human in one piece sounded... shaky at best, but he wasn't going to back out of it.

"Lots of lube will be required too, so that means a trip to the sex shop for a few shiny extra large bottles," he continued with a giggle then hummed again, his other hand reaching up to rub his chin, fingertips soon nervously tapping along his jawline over and over. "I guess I'll have to see what works with the knot when we'll get there. Also, fucking you won't be a problem in beta form either. I think you are... hot like that too. I know, I know, I'm so very weird. Deal with it," he shrugged before Derek could say anything. "We should probably try to have sex in your beta form before your rut too, though. So I can get used to you like that," he looked straight into Derek's eyes, suspecting that he probably wouldn't be overjoyed by that – in Stiles' opinion – very reasonable suggestion.

"What concerns me the most from all of this is the alpha biting and scratches. I'm not sure those would work on me as a druid and Spark. I remember the books very briefly mentioning that there's a possibility that a bite wouldn't take if the emissary is powerful enough, but I'm not sure. We'll have to ask Deaton about it. He might even know a way to test it on us somehow?" he half-asked, half-suggested, not sure if maybe Derek knew more about this or not.

"This is insane."

It was. Stiles was acting like it was all fine, like they could plot and prepare for it and no big deal. But it was a big deal and Derek found himself unable to listen to this for much longer. It left him with a bad taste in his mouth, the unpleasant roll of fear in his stomach. None of this was okay. He pulled his hand away so he could get up and pace, arms crossed in front of his chest in his classic pose of warding others off.

Stiles wasn't supposed to be okay with him in beta form having sex, especially not in wolf form. Nobody had been okay with that ever before so this? This couldn't be real, it was impossible that his mate was this welcoming of him. Of him as werewolf. Talking about handling the rut even when knowing he was going to be in immense pain, he was going to possibly get turned, injured… And this acceptance... it was so far from what Derek had expected, what he had known, that he couldn't deal with any of this.

"Can you even hear yourself?! A week of knotting, of claws and fangs and me as... You've given up your job, your life for me, you're stuck with a mate with half a soul feeding off you like a leech so I can have a semblance of emotions even though we both know most of them are yours. And now you're going to let me fuck you into the hospital. I'm not..." He wasn't okay with this, any of it. The wrongness of it all, the idea of them doing this.

"I can't do it." To wake up to a carnage, to know he had done that to the one person whom he loves.

The pang of pain from hearing that Derek was possibly living through Stiles' emotions and not his own was... crippling for a long moment. But Stiles stomped down on it. Refused the possibility that Derek might not have the same feelings for him because of a literally broken soul. Stiles knew that couldn't be the case. The looks he gave or the way the other man touched him weren't Stiles' feelings. This only strengthened his resolve to find a solution to the soul problem that much faster because they couldn't stay like this in the bonds forever. Not when there was the danger of Derek losing the little feelings he still had as his own too.

Stiles made his mind slow down, realizing that being steps ahead and voicing mostly everything that went through his head clearly overwhelmed Derek, who didn't seem to be able to get over the problem itself at hand while Stiles was already trying to work solving it.

"Derek! Derek, breathe!" he raised his voice enough to catch the panicking alpha's attention and make him listen to him. Sadly, he knew the signs of panic intimately and noticed them on his pair while watching him pacing as if he was actually a caged wolf. But this cage was the worst kind – the invisible one, created by the mind and strengthened by fear and insecurities. It was always harder to break free from those kinds of restraints.

Standing up too, Stiles slowly walked over to his man and placed his slender hands on the muscular upper-arms while they were still folded. His voice softened as he focused on keeping his own breathing steady.

“Look at me, Derek. Please. I know this isn't easy for you. It isn't easy for me either. But what good would it do if I freaked out along with you? It's something we have to solve. Together. I think I know how difficult it might be for you to accept the way I am with you. The way I think about you. How I act around you. Everything I did to be with you was my choice because I want the real you. I wanted all of you for years. And believe me... it took me quite a while too to accept that. But for me it is worth it. You are worth it for me. So try to get that through your thick Hale skull, okay?" he smiled softly at Derek, lightly squeezing his arms.

"I'm kinda scared too, okay? But I try not to focus on that. We'll find a way. We always do, Derek. We always do..."

The pale hands were a sharp contrast to his own tanned skin, long thin fingers, tendons straining under the skin because of the hands always being in constant motion. Not once had he thought of Stiles as weak, not even when he had called him skinny and defenseless in front of the twin. Stiles would have been the first to rush into danger with his bat in his hands. Stiles had been the one running around saving others without once remembering that he was human and the most mortal. Stiles had always made the plans for them all, he was good at that, still was. But he had always had that habit of waltzing right over others while his brain was so busy with said plan and that hadn't changed either.

Stiles wasn't scared enough. While Derek was petrified, horrified even. Because this? This wasn't him and he was barely holding on as it was, clinging to the fact that he had a mate and a daughter to keep safe so he kept on going. "You think that the mindless feral alpha you'll be bedding is the real me? It's not, Stiles. And you're not scared enough and that terrifies me. You're talking about fucking in beta form, lube and plugs like it's no big deal." Like who he was now was no big deal but it should be. There was no way he was proud of being without so much control in his rut, it was only another reminder of how much he had failed.

Having half a soul, watching Beth have nightmares about the bad man, the way she would be afraid of spookies, the fact that she had been born less than a year ago and yet was closer to a three year old than a baby... All his fault. All reminders. Just as this was. And Stiles was fine with Derek using his magic to not be as broken, fine with having to spread his legs to have sex with a mindless werewolf because of a rut. A rut that normally wouldn't be like that but the tortured part of Derek couldn't get over what happened yet.

"I want to share ruts with you, I want to share everything with you but not like this. We'll have to find other ways."

"I know that it's not the real you. I know enough that ruts are supposed to be different for you. But I also know that this is a part of you now too, even if it's a result of what was forced on you. But you're not the only one who cannot bear the thought of his mate suffering or getting hurt," Stiles sighed, his hands slowly falling away from Derek's warm skin to hug himself, an attempt to hide away and stop the slight tremors of his fingers.

"I know this is a big deal. Contrary to the general belief about me, I’m not stupid," he tapped his socked foot against the cold floor nervously. "But I cannot talk about it in any other way without freaking out myself. And believe me, I could freak out big time if I allowed myself, but I chose not to. Because I want to help you heal, you moron," he murmured, no real heat in his words at the end.

"I have plans to keep us both safe." He decided to share some of those plans with Derek because clearly he needed to hear some to calm down a bit. Or so Stiles hoped. "I can ward off the whole loft with mountain ash and my magic. I can do the same with individual rooms too where I can retreat from you when I need a breather or some sleep. I can hold you down with my power because I refuse to chain you up. I can make healing and sedative brews, make balms for myself to help my body heal and regenerate faster. I can learn to use spells to do the same. I can even work out a way to give you water and food so you wouldn't have to faint into unconsciousness to knock yourself out. I can come up with a way to keep you from shredding my skin with your fangs and teeth. Because I have to help you, Derek. Or you think our bonds wouldn't tug on me? Draw me in? What do you think, how long would I be able to resist that pull without going mad? Because you can be sure as hell that I wouldn't let them break!" he pressed the heels of his shaking hands into his eyes from frustration before he let them drop and took a deep steadying breath, exhaling slowly to center himself and his suddenly bubbling up magic which HATED that idea so much that it felt like burning Stiles from the inside out. He needed a moment to push it back down and make the slight amber-colored sparks disappear from around his fists.

"You said your ruts weren't like this in the past. Then let me help you start leading you back to how it used to be. As much as possible. Even if it helps only a tiny bit..." he looked back at Derek with pleading eyes. "And wouldn't that be easier if we did it with trying to prepare as much as possible?"

The trembling hands hadn't gone unnoticed, nor the way Stiles had to physically take distance from Derek as the frustration was bleeding into the bond. This at least was more familiar to him, arguments because of things he had said, others feeling the need to act out on their frustration because of him. He lacked the way with words, he lacked a way to explain it right so it usually ended up being a big mess where he got lost in all the chemo signals and words and those not matching up so he'd leave. Or he'd push and push until either the other would leave or lash out.

They were close to that now. The difference was that the Hale had stopped running and he knew when to reign himself in, forced himself to listen to the words instead of acting on the other signals he was receiving and all the old hurt dredging up a past which didn't necessarily had to do with this moment. And yet it had everything to do with it. Others had pushed their way into having him, some had left when they were denied and he was now caught in between that, his feeling of it being wrong, of not wanting it and the fear of rejection.

The words, they made sense, they sounded like something that might work. And if the situation had been reversed, if it had been Stiles about to go into a week of torment and pain simply because of stupid ancient mating habits firmly stored into his DNA, wouldn't Derek have badgered into making sure Stiles wasn't alone? The idea of his mate suffering by himself like that made his heart clench, just as watching him being so frustrated and close to a panic attack made him feel guilty. The human wanted to help, sounded like he had it all under control plan-wise while the wolf was only pushing at his control nearly enough to make the magic run free.

"Yeah... okay." He could do it, for Stiles. Maybe his feelings of it being wrong were unfounded, since Stiles was right, he was going to feel the rut tugging at him as well. And having to heal from wounds would be better than being insane for the rest of his life. It wasn't like Derek was going to remember anything, and once he was in heat, there was no way to stop himself when there was a willing mate. Sex had been so good between them though, and it was going to be different after that. "We'll do it your way." And they were going to face the consequences after that. As long as this... this discord between them stopped.

Stiles could feel Derek's struggle overlapping his own but in the end he managed to rein in the "upset" magic until it became a "pouting" shimmering in the back of his mind. He forced himself to take a few deep breaths and he stared at the wolf in surprise and with an expression that said "are you serious?" because it was just... too... easy, perhaps, for Derek to give in? Or maybe he saw reason. Or got too tired of fighting his point of view. Stiles couldn't be sure and for a moment couldn't even read Derek and why he finally gave in. But he wasn't going to refuse that acceptance.

Still... he didn't feel satisfied or anything like "winning" this round at all.

Either way, he sighed a tiny bit more relaxed, the trembling from his hands slowly bleeding out of him as he stepped back to his mate and forced his arms to unfold so he could wrap his own around him tightly in silence. And that silence told more than just a mere "thank you" for accepting Stiles' way. He knew how huge this was and he buried his face into Derek's neck, hands curling into fists around his shirt, holding on tight.

The wrongness felt a little bit better when his agreement to it made Stiles so much more at ease, the scent of a panic attack disappeared even though he was clearly confused. At least he didn't push about the reason why Derek had agreed this quickly because it wasn't something Derek wanted to talk about. He had said yes and that was all that really mattered. So he didn't resist the hug, he wrapped his arms around his mate and returned the gesture to soothe the lingering 'upset' magic. Deaton had said they had to be careful with one another, and he didn't want Stiles to get sick again.

Stiles could breathe a bit easier after they mostly hugged it out, so to say. For now they seemed to have come to an agreement. Though he felt that Derek maybe gave in to stop further problems between them. But Stiles was content with that for now, because otherwise he would've fallen apart himself and that wouldn't help either of them.

Derek shoved the desserts to Stiles once they had relocated to the bed after the tour of the loft. Stiles hadn't been upstairs a lot, nor had he seen the potential bedroom in the room next to the bathroom. One of the rooms upstairs had been Isaacs, but his scent had long ago faded, the only reminder was the single bed. It would make a good room for Beth. The other room was filled with Derek's books because he had lacked a bookcase for them, and over the years he had started to collect quite a few on top of the ones which had been at the Hale house before it got torn down.

One of them was in Derek's hands while Stiles was reading the book from Deaton, but Derek wasn't paying it much attention, mostly dozing with intervals as time ticked away. Until it was time to go again, off for more training.

The tour of the building was a welcomed distraction and the young emissary let his imagination go wild, sharing all kinds of ideas from reasonable ones to farfetched with Derek. He needed to babble, to let his mind run wild as a way to relieve some of the tension and stress that's been building up in him not just because of what they just argued about, but about his moving and magic and new life and roles as well.

It took some additional effort for him to be able to focus on what he was later reading on the bed, cocooned into the warm blanket like a burrito while Derek pretended to read something next to him too. There was a barely there tension in the air and he hated it, but tried to accept it because he knew the peace was shaky between them at best.

Going to Deaton's was yet another welcomed distraction.

Next part

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