12: In Waves – Part 3

Around dawn Stiles slowly woke up from a deep dreamless sleep. It was a nice change and he felt much better than before. Suspiciously so. He opened his eyes, the chirping of birds reminding him of his previous awakening even more. He was in the same room, but this time Derek was right by his side, his hand still holding his. He realized that when his fingers slightly moved in the warm hold. The wolf was asleep with his head resting on the edge of the bed, face turned towards Stiles.

He didn't run. He was right there, hand clinging to his as if he was afraid of letting it go. And judged by the way the pain had receded significantly in his whole body and the magic was calm and lazily swirling inside him, the wolf finally did more than just sitting around in silence.

With a soft sigh, a tiny smile tugged on the edge of Stiles' mouth from that as he kept watching over the – for once peaceful – dream of his mate. Even if Stiles felt a little pain just from looking at him, even if he was still a bit angry with him, he found Derek beautiful. Of course, Stiles knew that saving his life somehow and risking the balancing with him being unconscious, things wouldn't be miraculously okay between them. But it was a good starting point.

Stiles had some time now to think through things while he kept holding the big hand. It was nearly peaceful and even his thoughts seemed reluctant to disturb that too much. But yes, they'd have to work on them if they wanted to stay together. If he wanted to avoid outbursts like the one that had happened a few days ago. He had no idea how much time had passed since their latest argument – or rather Stiles losing it before he was sedated – but he was calmer and more in balance now. The throbbing in his head was finally manageable. So he just turned on his side and kept watching the man he still loved despite everything.

Derek twitched because he felt watched and he realized with an abrupt jerk of his body that he had fallen asleep even though he had vowed he wouldn't. At first he thought it might be Deaton coming back for more yelling so he flashed his eyes red to make sure it's not a threat. It wasn't. It was Stiles watching him with small eyes still half-lidded, looking better now at least and the gaze wasn't full of anger either, even more confusing. Honestly he had expected for the human to wake up and demand more out of Derek since he never had gotten an answer before he had been drugged.

Wiping at his mouth and face, he was quick to sit up. "Sorry," Derek apologized for falling asleep, his heart hammering anxiously because he had been dreading this moment, words were a stupid, stupid thing and it could ruin it all instantly. Something he had been aware of, of course, since that's what it always did but he didn't want to anger Stiles again, or hurt him. Normally if people said idiotic things, they'd fight, they'd apologize. The Hale had the unfortunate experiences that he lost people, hurt them, got them killed. Which had been proven yet again. It wasn't that he wanted to close Stiles out, but he was genuinely terrified at this point of opening his mouth. Something he couldn't tell Stiles because then he'd feel guilty and maybe even angry for all the drama so Derek had to weigh his words oh so very carefully.

"How are you feeling?" It didn't feel like glasses were going to explode this time so it had to be better than before and the pressure of the magic was gone.

Although that 'sorry' wasn't said to apologize to Stiles for what was said to him during Derek's 'mad outburst,' it was still a bit good to hear it and the mage didn't let go of Derek's hand. His hold on it tightened a bit to prevent his mate from any attempt of breaking that grounding connection.

"Better... And it's fine, you needed rest too," Stiles said a bit still hoarsely and studied his mate's face for a while. He knew most of his expressions and this one was kinda closed up but this time because Derek was... terrified. From him? Or what nearly happened? Stiles couldn't decide just yet. "You have balanced us on your own," he stated the obvious fact. He wasn't pissed about it despite the fact that he remembered how he had refused that offered hand and knew that it could be dangerous for the wolf to do so while Stiles was unconscious. A quick check on the state of the wall in Derek's mind made him ease up a bit further. "The wall is intact. And... I feel like you tried to do something more, but I don't know what..." he lightly frowned for a moment or two before his face relaxed again, his thumb instinctively rubbing against Derek's hand. "You saved me, haven't you? Despite the dangers... Thank you. Was losing it badly," he sighed.

The memories were still a bit hazy, but he didn't forget what he had asked and how he didn't get the chance to get an answer to his questions.

"So... do you... see me like that?" he finally asked, only daring to whisper since he feared the answer.

"No, I don't Stiles. I was busy hating myself, being ashamed for everything and I lashed out. And then all this happened and now you nearly died and I nearly..." Nearly gave up the alpha spark but he didn't say that, it didn't matter because it didn't happen. "I nearly lost you."

There was no blame towards Stiles but it was a reminder that this was too much for both of them, that even though Stiles tried so hard to do everything, he was only a young man still with his own traumas and hang ups. It had been too much and Derek should have seen that. It could have ended very differently. "I think I should get myself admitted. Not because I'm giving up on us, or that I won't fight for us. But I've spent the past days being afraid of talking, afraid of being even more of a failure and I can't... I can't heal if I don't even dare to sleep because there might be more flashbacks and I know I'll be nasty to you. You don't deserve that."

He clasped Stiles' hand with both of his. "Please, don't get mad about this. I can't build a future with you if I'm too busy destroying the now. There's a group therapy at Eichen for soldiers, for them to deal with triggers. Eichen is the only place for supernaturals like me and it won't be at the special wing. You can visit daily if you want but this is too much for us. I need to get myself in working order and your wall saved most of my sanity... but..." It clearly wasn't working as magically as they had hoped it would be. "This is going to destroy us both if we don't handle this well."

Stiles swallowed hard and he squeezed Derek's hand reassuringly. His first instinct was to scream 'NO!' at him, but he didn't because there was truth in his words and finally he was talking about his fears and concerns more openly than his usual self. He had to appreciate that, even if what he was saying stabbed Stiles in the heart again.

He sighed heavily and pulled on Derek's hand, scooting back a bit on the bed to make room for his mate. "Come, lay down with me, please," he said quietly and waited until it happened. He let Derek's hand go just then so he could wrap his healed up arm around his middle and face him as they shared his pillow while lying on their sides.

"I'm not mad about it, but you know how much I hate Eichen. Especially that special wing," he shivered even just from thinking about it. "Because I know you need some more of that professional help, I'll let you anywhere near that place on one condition," he said softly and paused for a moment. "You cannot stay there. You can go see if those group sessions can help on you, but you won't be admitted to live there or go through any medical treatments. After each session you'll come home to me... to our family and I'll listen to you if you have something you want to tell me and leave you to your thoughts if you don't," he said with a hint of guilt in his voice because he figured Derek's been terrified to talk partly because of him. "I won't get carried away like... I think it was last night... I won't demand from you to talk if you don't want to. I want to be there for you too. Help you heal. I'll do more research and be better for you... us too," he said, eyes welling up.

"I don't want to lose you either, Derek. I love you. You're everything to me. Just thinking about being apart from you... it hurts and makes me feel sick. Please don't force us to be apart," he sniffed, his tears escaping his eyes while his fingers curled into a fist around Derek's shirt. "I'm sorry if it's selfish, but I need you with me too. Not just because of the bonds but because I love everything you are and being without you feels like losing a limb. Incomplete. I'm incomplete without you, don't you see?"

Honestly, Derek wasn't eager to be anywhere near Eichen House considering what it had done to Lydia, Stiles and Peter, even though the latter had deserved it. Nor was he eager to be at a place where Marin was working since she clearly was more than happy with him dying as long as it’d save the Spark. But there was a reality to consider. The fact that any regular therapy wouldn't help him when he was too busy controlling himself and his words, saying he had been in Hell would get him admitted fast without his consent. Nor would any of their treatments do anything for his healing so it left him with the one place which was known to people like them and took in supernaturals.

"Stiles, you're young, you have been through traumas yourself and taking care of a basket case like me non-stop is wearing you down. We both lashed out, and that should be okay when it gets too much. But we can't handle it yet so stop trying to take on everything." Reaching out, Derek touched Stiles' cheek, sensing there were tears coming soon. The younger man knew all too well this was something that had to happen, and nobody wanted it to. Sometimes it wasn't about what they wanted, it was about doing what was needed.

"I love you, and that's exactly why I'm doing this. You had yourself admitted because you weren't safe for others, this is the same. It's voluntary. If I don't want to be there anymore, I can leave. My everything nearly died, because of me. I'm not going through that again, I can't." Some day he was going to lose Stiles, but not now, not yet, not because of him. If Stiles saw that as forcing them to be apart, then that was unfortunate. But he had made up his mind, their pack was too small for this.

"You can visit when you need to, we can balance when you need it. You'll be safe and you'll be with Beth, maybe even find a job if you want to. It's only for a little while."

Stiles huffed frustrated. He so wanted to flick Derek's forehead or head-butt him for having such a thick stubborn skull. But he didn't just because he wouldn't see it coming and he didn't want to trigger him or something.

"Jesus, Derek... Haven't you heard the age old wisdom of compromises making a relationship and things in general work? Things are so black and white with you sometimes," he sighed and paused for a moment to collect his thoughts because he knew that the outcome of this conversation would have big impacts on their lives and he really didn't want to screw it up.

"I was just offering a compromise to you with allowing you near that horror house in the first place. Sure, I admitted myself because of that, but one, I had no idea back then what was really going on with me. We know exactly what's going on with you. And two, it was one of my worst ideas. That turned out pretty quickly once I was there. I can only imagine how much worse it might have been if my Spark was awake back then," he snorted. He could totally see the staff and doctors doing much worse things to him. Probably even experimenting on him in that fucking special ward. Sick bastards.

"The real question here is... why do you want to avoid being home... with me... so much?" he asked with a frown, not bothered by the tears wetting Derek's hand on his cheek. He wanted to understand. He needed to understand.

"You nearly died, Stiles. Isn't that reason enough? If I sleep at home, if I'm there, I'll have flashbacks. If you’re dead, there will never be compromises ever again, there will be nothing. I can't lose you, especially because I did it and I don't understand how you think keeping me at home is a healthy way." The tears dripping on his hand were felt, but he couldn't let that guilt him into giving in. Compared to making Stiles sad or making him dead, sad was the preference. Not that he took any pleasure in that, he only felt guilty.

Of course he wanted to be home, he missed Beth, he missed them having a normal day. There was nothing normal about Stiles being the sole caretaker of Derek, especially not because it overwhelmed him which he refused to acknowledge even now. Without the Hale there, Beth had at least one daddy around. Stiles would be alive and Derek could work on attempting to get some kind of a mental health back which wouldn't destroy everyone around him because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. It was ironic, keeping quiet would not avoid problems because there was no way Stiles would be okay with a silent partner but words harmed as well. The human had been through enough.

"It's better if I'm not there. It's the safest way."

"Ugh, seriously... Can't believe how thick your skull is," Stiles grunted and took a deep calming breath, wiping away the last of his tears before a sniff and then fisting his hand now at the front of Derek's shirt on his chest. "You're so wrong about that, Derek... It's safer if you are home with me after the sessions. Not just for yourself but... for me too," he lightly tugged on said shirt in an attempt to make Derek understand.

"You might have just witnessed that I nearly died, but you forget that I've been on the receiving end of such situations for so many more times in the past. And let me tell you, it's not my favorite pastime. I don't want to see you like that either. That's why I'm willing to let you go to Eichen for the sessions and even on a private therapy if the doctor is good. I know it's important for you and because of that for us too. What you don't realize, though, and listen very carefully my big moron: is that I won't be safe without you. I went off the rails and became unbalanced because you weren't with me. Because I thought I had lost you. And as much as I can understand why you need therapy, you have to understand in return that I need you with me. I've told you, you are my everything, which means you are also my balance and anchor. I need you, Derek..." he confessed because deep down Stiles knew that even with possible visits and balancing at Eichen wouldn't be enough. "It's safer for both of us if you come home to me after each session. It's safer for everyone. Not just because of us."

Because yes, Stiles was full of fears and worries too. He wasn't stupid. He knew if he went so off-balance again, he'd kill everyone who got in his way while going to his mate. He also feared the destruction he could be the reason for. And he also worried that his previous outburst was going to draw in the wrong kind of crowd too. He'll lose it without Derek.

Derek didn't know if it was the right thing to do, if this wasn't going to be another set up to fail since isn't that what he was good at? But he couldn't let his mate flounder by himself if he needed the Hale around that badly. He feared being home, Stiles feared him not being home. It wasn't a good situation no matter how they would spin this. Closing his eyes, he nodded, hoping that this wasn't going to be the moment they'd look back on and say, that's where it went wrong.

"Okay. If that's what you need then okay."

Yes, he needed therapy, not because it was important to him, but because this was beyond them both to know how to handle. It was a week after the wall had been placed and Stiles had been unconscious for four of those days, it had taken three days for it to go wrong, only three days. Which was not something either one of them could be blamed for. Lucifer had destroyed Derek, the fact they had managed for so long was more than he thought they had. He needed to make sure he could handle himself and the triggers happening.

"You've seen some of my memories, you know this is beyond us." Maybe Derek was hoping that the therapy could help him tell Stiles things, because opening himself up was even harder, knowing his mate would pick up on way too much. "I'm not the sharing type. I'd rather keep it all in and deal with it myself. This is for us, for Beth."

"I know..." Stiles nodded, leaning his tear-stained face into Derek's warm palm as he closed his eyes for a few moments. "I also know we need help. But I also know that we need each other for balance. And I want you to understand that I don't want to stand in the way of your recovery in any way, but... all of my instincts are screaming against you staying full time in that place. And..." he paused, opening his eyes just to slide a bit closer to Derek's warm body because all of a sudden he felt so cold from his own memories.

"... there are things I'm struggling to share with you too so I get it. But even if you don't share yours, I know I have to tell you some things that might make you look at me... differently..." Stiles swallowed hard, hesitation clear in his voice and the vibes he was giving off through the bonds too. But he could feel that he had Derek's full attention as he was waiting patiently for him to reveal the things that felt like suffocating him.

"As painful as it was... the outburst, I mean... it also made me feel so powerful. Besides the pain that's all I could feel. Power. I didn't even care what it was doing to my body and mind... I just... I... liked it and the destructive release," he admitted on a whisper, clearly ashamed. Because he remembered that feeling all too clearly even now. "And I... I still crave it. I can feel the pull of the Nemeton each day. I've been feeling it ever since the sacrifice we had made with Scott and Allison. But I've got used to it. Even after we mated and it got stronger. But the stronger we get, the stronger the pull is too. And worse of it all, I can feel the lay lines beckoning me now too. Ever since we put on the wall in your head. And a part of me... that dark part wants to give into it. A part of me is curious what might happen, but I'm mostly just terrified from that possibility. Of losing myself and my control so completely in the magic and energies. I saw the footage on my phone... what I did in the forest. And I'm afraid what would happen if you weren't around me... to anchor and balance me. That's... that's the real reason we just... can't risk of you staying away. I'm just as terrified for my own reasons... like you are about the insanity and accidentally hurting me. I'm terrified from my own desires and the possibility of hurting everyone..." he trailed off, body tense as he was waiting for Derek's reaction and boy, he hoped that Derek wouldn't be disgusted from what Stiles had revealed. That he wouldn't reject him for it.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

That saying was and always will be true. He had been alpha several times, and the first time he had that kind of strength in him, he had felt like maybe he might get to live beyond the age of 22. But Derek had known it would attract attention and that he had to build a pack to be stronger and have more power. Having three strong betas had given him that but it had changed when Boyd had died and that power of his beta had went into him, souring everything. That kind of strength, as good at it felt for a moment, it had made him feel sick because it had come at a too heavy price. A reminder of what power could do.

Derek had seen what power had done to Peter, to Kate, to Gerard, to Jennifer, to Deucalion and even at times to Scott. And he wasn't an idiot, he felt what the Nemeton had, the immense strength that came with the tree, with the lay lines. He had never used it himself, but he had felt it. The Nemeton wasn't always as neutral as it should be, not with all the dark forces it had attracted already and had been used by. Stiles would go dark, he'd turn into a darach unless Derek would keep him in line. Because eventually, his mate was going to tap into that power when he needed it to save the town or his loved ones. It wasn't a matter of ‘if’, it was a matter of ‘when’. It was a terrifying thought: Stiles depending on Derek's goodness to remain a druid. But he needed to, he realized that now.

"I don't care about power, not anymore, not for a long time. But I understand the pull it has. I've felt what Jennifer had tapped into, what she had been capable of. I couldn't control her, I don't think she ever wanted me to guide her. She only wanted me so she could tap into it, thinking I'd follow her. I'm not a follower. I'm not swayed by power and you know I won't let you hurt others."

Derek would never let others be hurt because of whom he loved. He hoped it would never come to it but if he had to, he'd stop Stiles, like he had stopped Jennifer. "I knew your darkness, I know it still. I know it's a big part of you. But I don't fear it, because I know the rest of you as well. I fear others coming to use you, I don't fear you."

Somehow Stiles managed to sag against Derek's body even in their lying position when his tense muscles suddenly relaxed. He buried his face into the broad chest and tightened his arm's hug around the wolf's middle. Maybe Deaton's books were right after all and there was a reason why Sparks worked best with someone supernatural as a mate. He was so glad in that moment that his became a wolf. His familiar. His anchor. His wolf. That meant so many more than just in their romantic relationship.

Derek was the only one who could stop him. Not control, no. Stiles doubted that anyone could control him beside himself. And when that control might slip, he didn't doubt his wolf will be there to bring him back. But he had to make sure...

"Derek, I need you to swear something to me. I know you know and understand exactly what I was talking about regarding the power. If I lose it and go dark and you cannot bring me back in any way, I need you to promise me that you'll stop me with every means necessary. Even if it means killing me. I know it's unfair and a lot to ask from you, but we need to think of the innocents and loved ones first. And perhaps you have a better chance of surviving my death if it comes to that. I just... need to know I can count on you with this important task..." he murmured into Derek's chest, not daring to look up at him or move.

It was unfair to ask. It was a whole lot to ask. Derek was also the only one to be asked because Noah wouldn't be able to do it. He'd try to stop Stiles, he had proven that much, but a human against a darach wasn't going to work. Derek was the logical one to ask, the one to be the closest, who might have the strength and chance to do it. Stiles deserved to have that kind of backup plan even if it wasn't one they wanted to ever have to implement. But Derek had one like that as well. If he'd go feral, if he goes dark, Chris was going to put him down. The Hale had asked the hunter because he had been the most logical choice, he, like Derek, would do what was needed without emotions getting in the way.

Sighing, he nodded, kissing Stiles' forehead. "I promise. If you promise me to fight the darkness with your last breath." Derek knew, even if, after a long period of killing, there was a chance to get Stiles back, he would never live with himself with all the deaths he had caused. So it should never get to that point. "My focus will always be on saving you if there's a chance."

Jennifer... she wasn't supposed to die either, he hadn't intended on her dying like she had done. Deucalion had slashed her throat because the man had known she would never have been fine with not having the powers. She had been determined to kill the alpha pack, even if it had killed Scott and Derek. She had killed so many innocents to complete the ritual with the lay lines. Unfortunately, Stiles didn't have to finish that kind of a ritual, so there wouldn't be much warning, the powers were right there for the picking.

"The Nemeton isn't neutral, you know that. It has known too much darkness so as long as we use the power for good through us, it's fine. The moment you start listening to it..." Void had only been a preview if Stiles would be tempted like Jennifer. There would be so much badness.

"I won't... I'll try with all my strength not to listen to it. I promise too. And... thank you," Stiles tipped his face up to gently kiss his mate. He knew this was way too much to ask of him, but he had to. He had to make sure Derek would do the right thing. And knowing now that he promised... it calmed something deep down in Stiles, making it a bit easier for him to breathe again.

"I'm sorry for burdening you with this too when you already have more than enough on your plate, but you had to know. We had to have this conversation. I think even Deaton would approve..." he chuckled a bit dryly as he put his head back on the pillow, drinking in the sight of his mate from so close.

At times like these, he wished their lives were easier, simpler. Just two humans trying to get by in life, at work, with raising their daughter. But life's never been or will be like that for them. Sometimes Stiles felt as if they were pawns in a game of unknown forces. Being moved around to fight, to grow, to protect. He had kinda accepted that given the fact where they lived, what they were and what kind of forces they have meddled with. But there were days when he wanted nothing to do with any of this. Just be Stiles and love Derek.

What really mattered now, though, was that Derek didn't fear him, that he'd do what might be necessary to save him. Even if it meant from himself.

"I don't know what Deaton had told you about possible outside threats, but I think neither of us are naïve enough not to see that it might happen. While dealing with ourselves, I think it'd be wise to also try to prepare for people starting to sniff around town. We have to be more careful and a few steps ahead of them, even if we don't know what kind of people the Spark might attract. I know it's a lot piled up on our own problems, but we cannot afford to show weakness and be vulnerable for any kind of an attack."

"I know. I know hunters may see this as a sign of the supernatural and come investigate but what's worse, there will be out there who might realize the truth of what really happened. It's why I need to get ahead of my... problems so you can heal my eyes and I can be at full strength for you."

They always had to be vigilant, there was no other way around it no matter how quiet it might get. Though Derek doubted that it would ever get quiet at all. Derek was involved with angels, witches, demons and hunters and for some reason, he was the one they talked to or he'd pick up on things. He knew too much, was on the radar of too many. Not to mention the fact that somewhere out there, Lucifer was still roaming and though he hadn't shown much interest in Derek anymore, he was still a threat. Meanwhile Stiles was a powerful Spark, a mage with too much promise on the verge of becoming huge or becoming dark and the two trouble magnets had decided to form a partnership for life.

That white picket fence life? Not going to happen. Maybe, if Derek would actually form a pack and give them more strength but they were too unstable to add to it, and he wasn't willing to offer the bite. His dream was to offer a home to those who had no home. To gather betas that way. Which would take time. And he wasn't going to rush it yet again because of oncoming danger. Last time it hadn't worked out and it wouldn't this time either. He’s not going to be making that mistake. Not again.

Next part

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