Chapter-IX.

                       The bedroom was rather small, but the bed was huge, more than enough for us. He laid onto the bed and started smoking. I went to the closet and opened it. There were rangers uniforms inside, they were avaliable in all sizes. Still no knickers.

David watched me dressing with sleepy eyes, I went and washed out my knickers and poured the water out, closed the door properly, took care of the fire.

There wasn't electricity in the house, but I found acetylene lamps and lit one and went back to the room. David was already sleeping, not a big wonder. I was tired beyond all, too. He was still holding the lit cigarette in his hand. Gosh, we succed against all odds and now he is gonna set our bed to fire. But If I think twice, our bed is already burning. With something that hot inside it like him, it must be burning by now.

                     We slept and slept and ate and drank and slept at least 24 hours.

The day after, David started rummaging through the lodge to find the radio. Hasn't succed. He hadn't got a clue where it could be.

 There must be a damned radio here, he muttered.

When I was prepairing our breakfast I found a black plastic box in the cupboard.

It was closed. Dave teared it open. And there was it, the radio. Only, it wasn't working at all.

                    Well, I'm not an electrician. I can change the batteries inside if we find new ones, but that's all. Have you seen any?

                    Nope.

                    We must contact  someone, anyone or we'd be stucked here.

I woldn't mind it, I thought, I could spend a whole month with His Gahaness in this secluded wooden house in the middle of nowhere. He went on with fixing the radio, and altough we didn't find new batteries ,somehow he managed to force it work and now he was trying to give some signals, a message, whatever. There was a buzzing sound, than talking, what we didn't understand, it seemed it wasn't in English.

There was buzzing again and a woman's voice. We tried to identify what she was saying. The receiving was sporadic. We realized she was talking in English. Dave pushed the transmission button and tried to send a message. He  told who we were, what happened and in what direction and distance we were from the spot the avalanche happened. We didn't know if the transmission was a succes, because there was only buzzing in the aether.

                   Now, we only have to wait for them coming for us, stated David confidently.

                   How can you be so sure, I asked him.

                   Well, hope dies last, isn't it true? You don't mind spending some more time here with me, do you?

                    Oh, no, I was actually thinking moving in with you and settle here for the rest of our lives. You go hunting, I wait for you coming home.

                     Hmmm, an appealing idea, he said and went out to the snow, maybe for hunting, maybe to collect his thoughts.

I was standing in the window and was watching him. In the last few days I was watching him more times, than I've seen my ONIP dvd during recent years. I couldn't get fulfilled with him. I just couldn't get enough of him.

 What would happen next? My heart sank for the thought to be apart from him. However, this is what comes now.

The rescue team arrives, carries us to hospital, period. I was  never to see him again.

So sad. I would never be free. I would never be free from his tenderness. I feel it, I know it. Never, ever again.

 Still, I have to accept whatever comes. Good or bad? It's hard to tell.

             He leaned to a pine tree and smoked quietly, he was preoccupied with his thoughts. I would have paid a pretty amount of money to have a chance looking into his head. Unfortunatelly, I wasn't a psychic and didn't know witchcraft. Only time will tell. He turned his head toward me and waved with his hand. I waved back him.

Suddenly, I felt the space fell  again between us. Suddenly, I wasn't the woman I used to be. Something has changed. Changed forever.

I pulled the curtain back, went to the bedroom and laid down to the bed. I couldn't help my tears falling.

 There goes a Chinese saying : If you want to punish your enemy, wish him his dreams would come true.  I don't remember any Chinese acquaintances though.

My wildest desires were fulfilled and it was killing me. I was suffering like a beaten dog.

 I must have fallen asleep.When I opened my eyes it was dark. I started to search for David but he wasn't in the room, neither in the living area, neither in the kitchen, nowhere. I panicked, started to call out his name.

I opened the door and cried out his name into the darkness.

Nothing.

 A new nightmare again! Where could he be? Did he go away? But where to in the night? Search is useless this time of darkness. I should search for his trails tomorow.

 I closed the door slowly. The acetylene lamp gave a cosy light, at least it is not pitch black. I am scared in the dark. Frightened right to death.

 Anyone would, after read the bogeyman from Stephen King.

Only I knew I was afraid of myself.  Studying psychology hasn't helped, the more you know about yourself the more you're scared.

 You are beginning to suspect the fathoms of the human soul and its endlessnes.

 You would know at last, there is no such thing like  finding yourself. And you would be alone in those dephts as you can't let another one entering in to your mind, not consciously at least.

 Again ,it is karma which decides who is able to reach the realms of your mind and who has no chance.

And you don't know, you can't decide what is for real, what is for not. This is the main project of our lives, to reach out and touch faith to help us survive, do what we couldn't do today. You have to believe, you must.... Belive in him, has a faith in him and praying  you are right in your decisions.

Those facts remain only ,which you get with the help of your senses, they are unreliable, believe me. I know it from my own experience. You maybe can't see the difference between good and bad, maybe your mind is not an experienced one. You can only trust.

You are on your own.

Always.

            It isn't any wonder, that my all time favourite from DM are the lines: It's only when I lose myself in someone else ,  that I find myself, I find myself.

 I prayed too much to let it be so. I wanted him  allow me to get lost in him so I could find myself. I hope he feels me within his mind, I was hoped and prayed to have a niche there excusively for me.

I was crying, because I knew already there is a chance to reach such awareness of mind, we did so on that foggy night in the snow. The night, which was burnt into my bare soul.  And was aching constantly ever since.

 I was afraid because of the upcoming events, he was my beauty and the beast in one, I couldn't let myself to lose him.

When all hope has gone to find him that night I was wandering restlessly in the house. Went to the kitchen, drank a coke, went to the living room to get consoled by the bible as it was the only book in the house. Then got up again and entered the empty bedroom.

 Oh, how empty it was! Only bare walls, the meaning of love was missing from it.

If I closed my eyes I felt he was mine last night. I could see him laying there, sleeping calmly with the lit cigarette in his hand.

 It was so vivid, like when, one sees a ghost and mistakes it as someone living.

 It hunted me, the feeling, his presence, when he wasn't there.

 Started to think of Ophelia in Hamlet, the poor soul just went mad in her consuming love. And died without her lover, wasn't able to live without him.

                 I felt extreme tiredness again, but was sure I wouldn't get a hint of sleep knowing Dave is missing.

 I went upsters with my lamp in my hand I didn't even knew why. It's shaky light was bent by every little draught. The shadows of the light were dancing  on the wall. It was still, only the stairs were squeking under my steps.

 I could have been in a Hitchcock movie, I would even got an Oscar for best female part.

I opened the crackling door and kind of pushed the lamp inward.

 I wanted to scream. I couldn't. I fell on my knees.

And praised his guardian angels in heaven.

He was lying there in the dark on his stomach. I hoped he was alright.

I was care too  much, didn't dare to touch.

I was afraid something happened to him. He started to moan in his dreams. I relieved. He is breathing then. I laid down beside him and put my head on his chest and breathed love. He put one arm around me in his sleep. I was crying again, not in pain , this time, I cried of the feeling of higher love.

"Something beautiful was happening inside for me, full of fire  and mystery"-I whispered to his ears.

He was restless again, turning side to side, and before I started sing a sweet lullaby for him to soothe him he sat up wildly in the bed and throw his hands to his face as to search of protection from something and yelled in terror.

I was frozen.

He started to look around, gaining back counsciousness. He was shaking. He looked miserable.

                     Oh, is it you, Mau, he sighed and dropped himself back to the bed.

It is the nightmares again. I didn't want to awake you tonight, I am noisy and restless  on most nights. That's why I came upstairs, sorry if I scared you.

                     Do you want to talk about them? Your nightmare.

                     No, I don't, I don't dare to.

                     David, I am not a wizzard, but there is a chance I can help you. I see it destroying you.

                     But,not tonight.

                     All right. I don't wanna push you.

We laid there in silence, then he turned to me and got a firm grip on me and shoved his face into my shoulders. He was covered in cold sweat, I could sensed his terror. I started caressing his hair. He was still trembling. His body was stiff from stress, his face was like ash.

                     You look as if you've just been met with the angel of death.

He took a deep breath.

                      I did. It's happening to me everynight.  Mauka, I am afraid.

                      It's all right my love, I am here for you. I would face death himself for you. I can stay by your side even if it's the time of dying. You came back from death's door, couldn't have been easy. A big shock.

                      You don't understand it., he said unpatiently. It is alive.

Wants me, hunts me, chases me, hurts me, tortures me, wants to destroy me.

He claims my sanity, messes me up, he is having fun with me. Wants to brake for my will to living. But he hasn't conquered yet.

Something or someone always helped me when I was in great danger. Someone wants me to stay.

                     Yes, me for one. Your family and the millions of devotees.

                      Do you believe in guardian angels?

                      Yes, I actually do believe in them. You must have one, it's sure.

                      I feel as two forces are battle over my soul, the good and the bad one. In the past few years I felt these forces as they become more and more powerful inside me.I could only hope that the good one would win or else I am lost, forever..

                      Dave, don't say anything like this. How could you be lost?

                      You just don't know, dear, nor do I. I never had enough strength to face with all of the stuff happened in my past. I faced most of them. But not each and everyone of  of them.

                       You will overcome it with time.  I am here if you want me helping you somehow.

                       You already helped a lot.

You couldn't have known it, that its disturbed me so much, you talked about death for me, and I should have had face with it again, though not mine this time.

 Of course, you don't tell everything for people. You don't for your family. Not even for yourself sometimes. You just don't talk about these things.

 I told everyone I saw nothing. Not quite true. I've seen a thing immensly evil and one thoroughly good and noble .  I stood in the middle. I had the chance to get a glimpse into both. Now, I know what awaits  me, and I am horrified because of the uncertainty which one is ordered to me.

I saw hell inside out, which was called my life at the time.

But, also I've seen seen heaven in my daughter's eyes.

Which is meant for me , what do you think?

                          David! I am , I just, well, I'm happy you told me this..

                          You are honoured, you are the first one to know it. No one knows about it, I always thought about it as a weakness, unability to handle your emotions and acts.

                           It is hard, David, honey. But let me tell you something. You are just becoming to the realisation, that your are human.

Only human, no more, no less. All people meet these feelings this way or other at some stage of their lifes.

From day one after our birth we face death,simply because this is the antipole of life. Everyone wants to live and fear death, its genetics, coded in our DNA.

Now, one can find ways to help him through his living or hide his head to sand.

But as we have free will, we can make the choice.

But none of us knows what's around the next bend. And after any kind of disaster, be it a car wreck or a serious illness an almost universal outcome of the events is a more mindful approach to the time we do have left.

You should put one foot in front of the other every day fully conscious of each step that you choose to take and knowing choosing any of them is only up to you.

He was  silent, didn't said a word, he was just listening to me and I could see tears in his eyes.

He sighed and laid there with me in his arms, he couldn't have been closer.

I felt his tense body relaxing, breathed again normally and the blood came back into his face.

Only his heartbeat was fast and tight. I saw the veins in his neck pulsing.

This time he felt another urge. He wanted reassurance, he wanted love, he wanted me.

I gave all three of them. And he had a calm sleep that night.

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