Chapter 17

He stood there eyes popped out, jaws on the floor with a huge bucket of crimson roses in his hand.
- Natalie, love, you are beautiful - he said. He gave me the roses, but I hadn't have the time to put them into a vase, cause he locked me into his arms and bent down to kiss me. He was slowly moving his face toward mine, looking staright into my eyes and finally his lips met with mine.

As his tender lips were at last on mine, I felt a hot joilt run through my body. He was so tender as he was watching my reactions, that I needed to smile. Our kiss broke for a sec as I looked into his shining green eyes. He replied my little smile and I kissed him again full of emotions, full of my love.
He was shivering a bit as his hands pulled me closer to him. The roses were in my left hand, the other touched his face. His tongue asked for the enter and I gave him the access. He was discovering my mouth slowly and profoundly. Then our lips finally parted, and he looked at me with deep love in his eyes.
- Oh, Natalie... you are... you are...
- Come Dave, I have some surprises for you - I grabbed his hand and led him to the dining room where the prepared table was waiting just for us. I let him go, smiling, and put the roses into a vase.

- Oh, fish and chips! I am hungry like a wolf. We can eat and after....
- And after?
- Oh baby, Natty I make you mine...I want you like hell. No Nat, I don't want to eat. I want you. Oh come to me! I was thinking of you all afternoon long.
- And what was in your dirty mind Davey?
- Oh, so you know my thoughts were dirty!

- Yes, I guess I know. Sit down, dear, first we will have a fine dinner. And AFTER it, we can speak about other things - I smiled at him and sat to the table - Please, take a seat, David.
- But Nat! I was thinking about our relationship all afternoon, how we made love on the backseat and... and many oher things, and I love you and I want you.. now! - he said quickly, but I was just smiling silently.
- Have you finished? Good, then let's eat. I'm starving... - I looked at him and my eyes told him what I really wanted.
- Nat...
- It'll get cold dear, eat it before that - I ansvered and placed a piece of fish into my mouth.
He gave up, and sat next to me.
- You're teasing me! - he said, but started to eat, too.

But he held his left hand on my thighs and was caressing me. Then with a smirk grin on his face he put his hands under my panties and started stimulating me while eating, now very, very slowly. I almost dropped my fork.

- Dave, what are you... - I sighed quietly - Let me eat, please...
- Nah, Nat, please! I can't wait. I'd fantasies about us making love all afternoon, and it hurts! I'll explode, if I can't have you right now! - he said.
I looked at him. I wanted Dave too, of course. A bit my own lowerlip and dropped that unnecessary fork to grab his neck from the back and pull him closer for a kiss, while I parted my legs a bit to give more place for his fingers, which started rubbing my clit immadiately faster as he felt it.
We nearly ate each other up with our hungry lips.

He grabbed my hand and tugged me to the bedroom and started to tear his own clothes from himself… I did the same. Suddenly I stood there, frozen, staring at his back. He noticed and was blushed. He was red as a lobster. Stood their motionless and ashamed with his head bowed, all naked.

On his delicate skin... there were red scratches... I almost  saw Jen's hands as they caused those wounds while she was screaming from joy.
I swallowed hard, then sighed. After a minute my fingers reached out and touched his wounded skin. He wrung together and stepped away with guilt in his movements. I saw that his mouth shaped "Don't", but not because the pain, no he didn't feel pain, but I knew he didn't want to see me the lovewounds on him. An evidence from his unfaithfulness.
- Don't drag yourself... - I whispered and stroked a long scratch with my fingers.
- But Nat...
He stopped his sentence, when I kissed his shoulder softly. There were four paralell wounds.

- I love you the way you are. I can't deny the way I feel.
- Thank you Nat - he said honestly - It means an awfull lot for me. You see by now I am not an angel.
- A fallen one. My angel, my love. Forget all and leave behind. Tonight just love each other with all our hearts, okay?
- Okay. Come Natty, I show you now, show you how deep is my love  for you. Let me love you, my dear.

He held me tight in his strong arms and was just kissing me for long minutes.

I kissed back with closed eyes and opened heart. I felt as one of his hands reached and opened my bra. It landed on the floor next to my dress. He started to kiss the line of my chin, went to my earlobe, and whispered how he loves me as his hands were embracing and stroking me softly. I was just standing there, my hands on his waist and enjoyed his tenderness, which I missed so much. I nearly started to cry, but I closed my eyes to held the tears back. His mouth was discovering the shivering skin of my neck. He could felt under the thin skin how my heart was pounding. He gave a kiss on every little inch of my neck, then sucked some skin between his teeth. I sighed. My neck was always one of the most sensitive parts of my body.
But now my whole body was sensitive. His fingers reached my right breast touching it really carefully. I sighed as his fingertips touched my nipple. A hot joilt of electricity went down to my groin.

- Oh Dear - he sighed as I went down on my knees and started to please him. He was very inventive in love, but I knew the blow-job was his all time favourite. He was more than ready and willing to accept the pleausure. He was standing there, eyes shut and moaning loudly. I was fierce now. No caresses, no licking, I wanted him having his orgasm as intense as it is possible. His body was trembling and he screamed, well, not my name this time, but everything else came to his mind: his creator, mostly. I looked up him and saw him balancing on the edge. Then I pushed him from the cliff and he was falling to the bright emptiness of his climax.

- Oh GOD! How could I ch... - he moaned senseless, grabbing my hair. I knew what he wanted to say, but instead he was gasping for air. I licked my lips down, and stood up. He put his hands around me immadiately.
- Now, dear, if I'm not wrong, it's your turn - I stated calmly but firmly.

- I know it is. What is it you want, honey?
- Drive me Davie, drive me to sweet oblivion. I don't mind how, which way you would choose, just love me. I want you. I want your body Dave, I want you, I want you – I repeated again and again with full of lust in my voice.

- I'm yours, sweety, I'm just yours... - he whispered, and I closed my eyes to hide the sad sparkling in them, cuz he wasn't all just mine, I knew it, but I let him to step with me to the bed. He was kissing my lips gently as he brought me down to the pillows. - I'll please you. I'll please you like I haven't done since a long time - he added, and bent his head to kiss my neck again, one hand on my sensitive breasts. I let myself slid into my upcoming warm feelings. I didn’t want to care about what had happend. I wanted to be with him, to feel him, although I knew it clearly  that I'd have a little sorrow in my heart during or lovemaking.

He rubbed my clit with ever speeding movements and then he dipped his long middle finger into my pussy. I cried out and he kissed me again. He looked into my eyes and saw all I want is him inside me. He was so aroused now, hardly could control himself and rammed inside me and I was happy. I decided not to think about his cheating, clear my mind and offer my empty mind to the sensual experience he is giving to me.

My head was bent in the pillow, and my mouth opened for a silent scream.
He had his full attention on me. He continued his moves slower, he knew that I needed to use to him again, cuz this was the first time after the labour that I was having sex with him. He was so big now! I've nearly forgotten that. He pushed himself slowly deeper and deeper with every dub. I gave loud moans.
- Does it hurt, love? - he asked anxious.
- No!! Please, Dave! Faster! I... I was waiting for you... for… too long! Love me without borders!

When I put on some music I've chosen my favourite band. It was on, soft music in the air:

„I need to be cleansed
It's time to make amends
For all of the fun
The damage is done
And I feel diseased
I'm down on my knees
And I need forgiveness
Someone to bear witness
To the goodness within
Beneath the sin
Although I may flirt
With all kinds of dirt
To the point of disease
Now I want release
From all this decay
Take it away
And somewhere
There's someone who cares
With a heart of gold
To have and to hold”

Suddenly Dave looked at me and I saw such sorrow in his eyes it frightened me.

- Dave, sorry, I take it out!
- No, Natty you shouldn't. So true. I sing for just for myself this time, it seems. So apt. Have and hold me Natalie, love you from the bottom of my heart!

And this was it. I couldn't hide my tears anymore. I stroked his face tenderly, and looked deep into his eyes. Couldn't talk. I pulled him towards by the back of his head and gave a bitter and happy kiss to him. I'd all of my feeings for him in that kiss. I hoped he could feel it, as I let him restart his soft movements with his hip.

Oh, how I loved this man! And the joy he was giving to me. He could make love like no other man. I knew my body was meant to be his, because our bodies matched, oh, so well.

Like the fruit and its scale. A perfect match. A perfect man for me with all of his mistakes. I felt love overwhelming my body. Every pore of mine showed the love I felt for him. And I know he knew it. His moves were soft and strong at the same time. I cried out loud from joy and he did the same. My body was bowing more and more in an arch with every moment, till I let myself washed by the intense feelings of the orgasm.
He followed me after a few sec and buried his head into my neck. He was panting heavily and after a while I realized that he was weeping with shaking body.

- David, Love! What is it? Dontya cry, I love you.

He didn't answer to me, he just cried and in the next moment Mia cried too. I had to get up and feed her. I caressed my crying man, whispered to his ears that I love him and went out to Mia.

He stayed there on the bed still crying. His face buried into the blanket. His full body was shaking as he heard Mia's cry and Nat's calm voice. His lil daughter went slowly silent. His heart was aching. So much. He hardly could bear it.

Dave rolled to his side and knit himself together showing the scrached back of his to the door, where Nat appeared silently and watched him.
Dave couldn't stop his tears. His emotions were totally mixed now. And he felt a familiar feeling to appear.
- Oh, no... Not again! Why now? - he whispered into the darkness as he knew that the depression was waiting to leap on him. He tried to fight against it, but it got stronger and stronger with every sec. He didn't want to give more pain for Nat. But he couldn't say that he would be able to handle  it. - No, no, no... - he sighed doubtfully.

- What is it David? You look awfully pale and your face is so...tortured. My love, I love you no matter what, I forgive you!
He slowly sat up, his face covered in tears. - I know Natalie. Here it comes again, I..can't help it! I try, but...Tomorrow I see Pron, I need medical assistance.
- Dave call him now, maybe it would worsen, you need medical attention now.
I was desperate seeing him suffering. I knew, here is his recurrent depression to fight with. But I promised him I will be strong. He called Pron and he said he is waiting him in the hospital, so he had a shower, dressed and drove to the meet with his doc and friend.

I was sitting in the kitchen after a shower a bit shocked. It was awful to see him like that. And partly it was my fault too. I shouldn't have done those things. I should show more mercy and shouldn't let him in doubts as I said I won't speak with him. The hours passed, I fed Mia, and didn't know what to do. Go, or stay. I stayed there because of our lil one, and was waiting in the kitchen for Dave. I can't remember when I fell asleep resting my head on the table on my hands.

His soft kiss awakened me in the middle of the night. - I am back baby, got medication, it's already better a bit, but Dr. McKanna said I need a full check up. I have to stay in the hospital for a few days. It's Saturday now, we still have a full day untill Monday.
- Is it something serious Dave? Please tell me.
- Oh, don't ask Nattie, I can't lie to you!
- David!
- Well, Proinsias want to be sure, I won't attempt suicide.

- Suicide? - I opened my eyes wide but calmed myself down and tried to look at him with a calm  face. I felt how the worry rose within me - But w... No, I won't ask, I've told ya once.
But I think my eyes couldn't lie, so I better stared his shaking fingers on mine, as he held my hand on the table.

- Natalie, I'm sorry, it is not intentional. These thoughts just come and you can't shake free of them. They stay, sometimes these voices talk to you and ordering you to do things. Most of the time I am able to turn the volume off in my head not to hear them, but when depression strikes I can't. And Pron fears that maybe I will listen to those voices in my head.
- Oh David, I didn't know what you are fighting with.
- See, you've chosen a madman to live with – he said sadly with his head bowed.
- I knew David, that it won't be easy. I love you. I know that you have health problems, physical and mental ones but I will always stand by you. You can lean on me. I help you!
- Oh, you! You're my dearest treasure! My precious - he said, holding my face in his hands - So, you meant it, you love me, no matter what?
- I did.
- I think all my words are not enough to thank you all your love for me!
- Dave, dear, it's late, come, you should grab some sleep now, ur tired and I am tired too. Come to bed Dave.
- Coming - he followed me, undressed neatly as he always does and laid by me, taking me in his arms. He must had serious medicines pumped into his body, because - contrary to his usual behaviour - he fell asleep at once. He did, but I couldn't. I got up and went to the study to surf on the net. I was sitting there looking for a pen to make a note when I noticed a book in the drawer, neatly hidden under some papers. It was about how to face death. I started to read it:

Death is an inevitable journey
That we all must take.
At first we watch others we know
go on ahead of us,
Until, quite unexpectedly,
it is our turn to go.
On an unknown day or night
we will be summoned
To journey forward into yet another life.

Death is not an ending — so don't be afraid of it!
It is only a punctuation mark in the endless
Saga of our lives.
Cast your mind backward and recall
The tens of thousands of your past lives.
Cast your mind forward and feel your future lives,
The tens of thousands that are yet to be.
Now concentrate upon this moment,
In this lifetime, and see how fully you can live it!

You've died many times before and,
To be honest with you,
You don't look any the worse for it —
So why fear death anyway?


My heart sank. It's obviously wasn't my book. A piece of paper caught my sight, it was with Dave's handwriting:

Death is an uncomfortable taboo in this culture. The Christian culture tends to take an all or nothing view of enlightenment — either you are saved, or you are not. Hence this culture tends to prolong life beyond the point of it being useful to do so on the ground that if a few more souls can be saved on their deathbeds, so much the better. A few weeks of additional suffering, from this point of view, is a small price to pay for eternal salvation.
But the most important thing is to be in the right state of mind at the time of death. This is probably going to be very controversial, but I personally don't have a problem with the terminally ill making a choice to end their lives on their own terms, and in as good a state of mind as possible, rather than allowing themselves to be prisoners of the medical system. I support the work of Dr. Kevorkian. I definitely encourage any controversial work which will move us closer to that goal.

Finally, and absolutely most importantly, unless you or someone you know is terminally ill, it is much better and happier to focus on life, not death. Death will come when it comes but I cannot predict when, so I try not to focus on it.

David

It was some kind of a letter or a confession? For who? For his psychiater and friend Pron? Or for himself? Obviously, he was absorbed in these thoughts for quite a time now. And I haven't notice a thing! What induced it? The birth of his daughter reminded him to his mortality? I am not able to find answers to my questions right now, but tomorrow I must talk to Dave. It's crazy, I want him alive and happy and this...this.. My tears started to flow. My heart ached for my love and I was petrified what could happen to him, to us.

I went back silently to bed. He was sleeping soundly. I layed next to him and caressed him. My tears were still flowing, and I was thinking about us, about the future, about what can happen to us. I even imagined that I loose him, and I stay here alone with Mia. I know that Rosie would go back to her mom then. It was an awful picture for me, but I have to prepare myself for the worst...
I fell asleep, but I had terrible nightmares.

Terrible nightmares about David laying dead and I find him, trying reanimate him, in vain. And he is dead and we are standing on his funeral and crying and crying my eyes out. I awoke to a gentle shake.

- Nat, Natalie, awake! It's just a nighttmare, don't cry! What is it? What was your dream about that it frightened you that much?
- You-hu...be..being dead....

And I cried and cried in his arms.
- I will not kill myself Nattie, I won't! I made all measures it was necessary to eliminate even its shadow. I am here for you!

- Oh my God! It was...it was... so terrible... and looked so  real! - I cried on his shoulder - Don't leave me! Just don't leave me... David!
- I won't leave you, Nat - he said calmly and started to stroke my back.
- I love you Dave! I love you so! More than my life... - I whispered as I was holding him strong to feel the touch and smell of his skin, to feel that he was real, really there. - I won't let you slip away. No, you are my darkest star.
He was smiling sadly as he was embracing Nat. It felt good for him that there's someone who cares for him. He was grateful that Nat stayed with him in this situation, now that she knew his illness from closer. He feared that maybe she could not handle with this and maybe she wouldn't stay with him. But it seemed, that she was stronger than he tought.
- No dear, you are my darkest star! - he whispered and started to sing quietly the song, which was now about Nat and yes... even about himself, he tought:

Oh you sad one
Playing the Angel
Isn't so easy where you're from

Oh you wild one
Devil's companion
You won't stay satisfied for long

I don't want you to change
Anything you do

I don't want you to be
Someone else for me

Oh you dark one
Eternal outsider
Caught in the spider's web you've spun

Oh you blind one
Gentle and kind one
Seeing the world as a loaded gun

I don't want you to change
Anything you do

I don't want you to be
Someone else for me

Stay as you are
The Darkest Star

Shining for me
Majestically

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