Dave was braining a lot lately. He knew something was really bothering Nat, but she always refused talking about it. He didn’t know what’d be the best, but slowly he persuaded himself that it’d be better not to let Nat avoid his questions. He’ll confront her with this and won’t let her stop him. He saw that she looked more and more pale and thin. She slowly turned into her own shadow. He must do something, he must stop this, because it wasn’t healthy for her!
He decided to go and see Nat in the restaurant, because he knew today she’ll work there, but for his biggest surprise one of the waiters said that she wasn’t working there for weeks now!
“What the heck?” he asked himself and asked for more details, so now he knew that she was always late and disoriented, had problems with the orders and the guests. It was as if the waiter was speaking about a different person. This couldn’t be his Natasha!
And then as he headed to her flat, another problem bugged his mind. What was she doing then on those nights when she always said she must work and can’t see him? It started to be more and more suspicious for Dave. Now it was clear for him that she was lying to him… But why? What was she hiding? What was she doing? Was she in trouble? But then why didn’t she ask his help?
Dave’s head was full of questions when he knocked on Nat’s door and waited her to let him in.
“Dave! What are you doing here?” she asked in a surprised tone, wearing only her thick white bathrobe. He immediately spotted the dark circles under her eyes and the red and tired gaze.
“I need to talk to you” he started and stepped into her flat.
“What’s the problem, Dave?” she asked quietly, although her heart was racing in her chest.
“You, Natasha” he looked down at her seriously.
“Me?” she uttered out, folding her arms in front of her chest and gulping a big one. Here comes trouble, she thought.
“Yes, you. You need to talk about your problem.”
“What kind of problem?” she played the stupid.
“Don’t act like a fool, I’m speaking about the problem you hide from me. The problem that keeps you away from me. Did you realize that you cancelled the last three evenings we wanted to be together? I know I promised that I won’t ask questions, but now it’s enough. Look at yourself! You’re like a ghost! You’re not my Nat anymore!” he raised his voice a bit, waving towards her with one hand.
Nat breathed in slowly as she moved away from the door to let Dave in ... what she planned to say to him wasn't for the ears of any neighbours who could be listening ... already his voice was betraying his concern, and as he spoke the volume was rising ... time to get him into her flat and close the door...
Nat now held her breath before embarking on the biggest lie she had told her lover to date... she found it hard to hold his gaze, but in a way that fitted in with her plans, to push him away from her, so he would be safe.... it was going to break her heart, but she had to do this....
"So you want to know everything, don’t you? " she began using the tone one would adopt to speak to a child, one who had pushed an adult to the limit... and she saw shock immediately register on Dave's face ... never before had she used this tone with him - even when she had been tired, beyond tired, depressed, homesick...
Dave sat down on her sofa and just stared at this woman, whom he thought he knew so well, as she paced up and down in front of him and revealed the reason for the changes in her attitude and physique.
"You had your problems with drugs way back and you got through them ... well - mine are happening right NOW - before your very eyes - I am at the stage where I need the stuff... I will do anything - and I mean ANYthing ... to get what I need " and here she fixed him with a meaningful stare, hoping he would put two and two together and realise what her fictitious habit had been forcing her to do.
She was probably successful, because Dave's expression changed from disbelief to deep sadness, and he reached out his arms to her, willing her into his arms... and it was all Nat could do not to run to them. This was harder than she ever imagined it would be... but she had to keep her guy safe by destroying any feeling he had for her... any desire to help her. She looked at his outstretched arms with contempt, and took several steps backwards as she broke into a convincing laugh...
"Do you really think a hug would solve all my problems? Please, let's get real here - I have a DRUG problem... I am working - doing anything I am asked to do - to feed my habit. Don't you despise me?" Nat put her hands on her hips and looked cruelly at Dave - hoping he would just give up on her and go... but she didn't reckon on his compassion.
“Nat, this…this can’t be true! You’re kidding me!” he looked up at her still shocked and his face flinched when he heard Nat’s screams of laughter.
“Kidding?” she asked, her hands still on her hips, the bitterness could be heard in her hysterical voice. She hated to do this, but she needed to show some proof for him, so she loosened her robe and let it fall onto the floor.
She saw that Dave’s eyes widened in disbelief as he spotted the fresh and vivid bruises and bite marks on her body. “See?” she asked mercilessly as she turned around “I’ve told you that I do everything to get my dose.”
Dave couldn’t say a word just leant forward, covering his mouth. The sadness in his chest spread quickly and nearly choked him. He still couldn’t believe this…
“No, Nat…. You’re lying…” he shook his head “I have more than enough experience as a junkie. I can’t believe you use drugs!” he protested and before Nat could move, he was next to her, grabbing her right arm. She hissed as he hurt a bruise, but he didn’t care and pulled her back when she wanted to break free. “You don’t have needle marks on your arms…”
“Who said that I use heroine, huh?” she struggled. She really hated herself for doing this, but she needed to hurt him as much as she could “Do you miss your old friend?” she even managed to give him a sick smile and felt his grip hardening on her upper arm. It was the first time when she felt insecurity near him. Those lovely green eyes were dangerously dark and she could see pure pain in them. The hit reached its goal. She tore old wounds open… “Let me go and leave me alone! I don’t love you anymore!”
“Don’t say this to me, Nat…” he whispered begging “We can solve your problem. I can help you… please, please listen to me! I know people…”
“I-don’t-care!” she freed her arm and covered her skinny body with the robe “Just go away, Dave. It’s over!”
Dave just stood there at first, in severe shock - never could he have imagined his little ballerina would talk to him like this... and yet he pushed aside his own pain to focus on hers, her present condition was far more important than his old scars..... after his long history with various substances, he was free of them - and he knew that Nat's problem was very recent, so she was certain to emerge totally unscathed from the experience ... he had to try again - he couldn't give up on her.
"Nat" he said, as he moved forward, taking her from behind by the shoulders, "if I escaped from my drug nightmare after over twenty years taking them, then you will too... just tell me how long you have been on them... and then we can ...." but he didn't get to finish his suggestion because she spun round and glared at him.
"Take the hint and GO!" she spat at him... as viciously as if he was someone standing between her and her next fix ... "there is NOTHING here for you - can't you see?"
Her heart was pounding... the lies were piling up one on top of the other... she was losing control of the situation, and felt tears forming in the corners of her eyes... how could she make him go? Dave wouldn't leave - she could see - and worse still, he had another idea, because his eyes suddenly brightened...
"Listen - if you need money, then I can give it to you... then you wouldn't have to do the degrading stuff you seem to be doing... it would buy us some time, and then I will find a way to wean you off the stuff, or better still get you into rehab somewhere..."
Nat was desperate, and had to find one really unbearable thing to throw at him - to make him give up....
"Listen here, mister I can solve all your problems, here's one thing you can never make better - you think you can soften up the person who had your and my child aborted six months ago?"
Nat let this sink in for a while before she gave him more details ... spinning a web of deceit, which was at the same time a cocoon of protection for the man she loved beyond anything she had ever known ... she would break his heart, sure, but he would be safe, alive, for his family.
When she saw his eyes cloud over with deep sadness, she continued, driving the nail further into the wound.
"I could have told you - I kept it hidden for three months - I was lucky it didn't show, but when I started to swell up, I had to starve myself so my clothes still fitted me - and then I got tired, and needed to find a way to keep going... so I got rid of my little problem, and turned to drugs to keep going at work. In a way, if you want to help me shoulder the blame, a part of it could be yours as after all, you got me pregnant! So now try and help me out of this ... I killed our child because I couldn't bear to see what it was going to do to my body, and I sought comfort in the magic white powders..."
"No- Nat, this can't be true ... please don't tell me that .... you were pregnant with our child? And you...never said? Just went and...?" Dave began to recoil in horror - how could he have been so wrong about Nat? She was so obsessed with her perfect body that she had destroyed a life growing inside her, rather than risk what a pregnancy might do to her shape....
Dave just kept backing up - until he felt the door behind him... he couldn't take his eyes off Nat, and as she walked towards him, stretching out her arms, and saying "now comfort your ballerina if you can find it in your heart ..." with a sarcastic smile on her face, he found himself reaching frantically for the door handle, opening the door, and running from the flat as if Nat was a creature about to pursue him and drag him into her hell with her ....
Nat closed the door and leant against it, and finally let the tears come - in rivers, punctuated by sobs which shook her whole body. Now for some bizarre reason she didn't care what her neighbours heard.
---
After he literally fled from Nat’s flat, Dave was sitting on a rock at the river’s bend. He didn’t care that the icy wind was blowing through his grey coat. He didn’t see or hear anything - just Nat’s yelling… her sentences were echoing in his mind… He still couldn’t believe what he heard. If all these stuffs were true then he misread Nat’s feelings and everything that this woman meant for him! Was the past one and a half year just a big lie? Was she really this obsessed with her own body that she could kill their baby??!!
He took a deep breath and sniffed after he wiped away a bitter tear. But she never said something like this… she never talked about her figure! Never avoided a cake or any food! And her drug problem… How couldn’t he see it? Was he too busy with his own life? Or was he afraid to see the signs? He couldn’t understand the situation! And Nat just broke up with him? Why? Why was it necessary to end their relationship this way? Why was life so hard for him?
“A baby?” Dave whispered “Is that true? She…she killed our baby? How could she?!” for a moment he felt hatred towards Natasha, but it got away quickly. He was too shocked as he bent his head onto his forearms and started to cry silently…
---
“The guests like you, Nat” Mickey said with a smile while he was cleaning the bar counter with a clot “Already six costumers? Wow, if you go on like this, they’ll need to stand in line for you!” he laughed.
“I don’t know, but the money is good, so…” she smiled back.
“Yeah… But as I see, another gentleman wants you, so go, go, go…” he waved towards an older man.
Nat sighed and walked to the man. This time she was wearing dark blue –nearly black- lingerie, which showed her curves better. It was a busy night and she just wanted to rest, but she couldn’t. Fortunately in the last two weeks Yuri and Katja didn’t hurt her, so her skin was nearly perfect, gleaming in the dim light in gold from a body lotion.
After 15 minutes she stepped out of the room and headed to the toilet to check her make up. It was hot inside the club. She checked herself in the mirror. Her real face was deep under the thick mascara, which hid her dark circles and exhaustion. She sighed and counted the money she had in her stockings.
When she went back to the bar, Mickey told her that three men – all friends- were waiting for her in the first room. They already paid for her dance in a really generous way, so she needed to be kind.
“But hey, hon, I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”
“Okay, thanks” she smiled at him and walked among the tables till she reached Room 1. A smile spread across her face when she recognized one of the guests. “Chris?”
“Yeah, I brought a few friends this time. Do you mind?”
“No, not at all...” she tried to sound seductive “OK, you want your usual?" Nat stroked Chris's cheek and then showed him over to the sofa...
Chris replied that the usual would be fine, and so Nat stood him with his back to the sofa and pushed him playfully backwards so that he fell onto it... this produced a laugh from the two friends, who were already comfortably lounging in the two armchairs, at right angles to the sofa. Nat now had her back to the door, facing Chris and about to straddle him ... she looked over at the friends, and smiled...
"So you are friends or colleagues?" to the reply "colleagues" came another question: "So has he been a good boy at work today?"
Another laugh from the friends ... "What if we say no?" one of them asked "Do we get to take his place?"
Now Nat laughed out loud, and her beautiful voice rang out over the raunchy background music ... "No of course not - you have to queue like all the others... it just means that he gets less of my... special treatment... so has he been good or bad?"
The friends agreed that he had worked hard, and deserved some special treatment from Nat, so she winked at them, and started to gyrate her hips over Chris's lap. When she saw how his eyes were drinking in every inch of her body, she remembered how last time she had let him touch her ... nowhere special, but just to have his hands on her skin, as a little privilege for him ... She reached for one of his hands with hers, while she propped herself up on the back of the sofa with the other.
She bent over seductively, watching as his eyes were drawn to her chest.... only in this position did she have anything like a cleavage, and this seemed to excite him, so Nat took one of his fingers, and without ceasing her circular hip movements, whispered to him to close his eyes. Chris obeyed, and then Nat traced down her cleavage with Chris's finger, the rest of his hand firmly imprisoned in hers, to prevent him making any unwelcome grabs at her flesh ... Chris let out a sigh of contentment... so Nat said he should keep his eyes closed, while she looked over at his friends... They were smiling and calling out that Chris was a lucky guy - and egging Nat on to spoil him more ...
Nat took both his hands in hers and placed them on her waist - then she whispered to Chris that he was driving now... and that he could move her around, but that he mustn't sit her down on his lap. Chris grinned widely, and began to move Nat's body, making the same circular movements she had made, but wider…and much slower, so that her thighs brushed for longer against his ... and once again the friends called out their encouragements!
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