LXXV.

Martins soft lips on my skin give me crawlies. I shouldn’t do this – better decide where I really want to belong – though ‚friends with benefits’ isn’t the worst I can imagine. Putting my negative thoughts aside I start to tackle his lips, greedily conquering his mouth. His response is immediate. He slams me against the bathroom door and lifts my left leg, clasping my knee. Tearing the foil open with his teeth he hastily rolls the condom over his ready and hard member. Oh my god! The intensity with which he now rams into me lets me nearly scream with pleasure! This is about the basic, raw feelings – and I gratefully answer his call.

„Give me more, Curly! I need you deep and hard inside me!“

His reply merely is a profound growl.

„You get what you deserve, baby – all I have to give!“

Greedy hands all over – fingers scratching vigorously soft flesh. His shiny teeth sink into the sensitive skin of my throat, then letting go again – his hot breath driving me insane. Have to pay back, biting into his muscular shoulder which evokes a lustful yell from the depths of his chest – plunging into me even more forcefully.

Release comes far to quick for both of us but it’s like it is – rough sex. Panting heavily against each other we remain entwined for another moment.

„I’m sorry for having been on the fast lane.“

„Don’t be – it’s just what I needed now. Anton and John could be back any minute. It’s not really the setting for a romantic tête a tête.“ I gently wipe some sweat pearls off his cheekbone.

„We could fix that later, don’t you think?“

He seems to gather all the breath he can muster.

„Sivvi, Jennifer is pregnant.“

Martin can’t help it – not knowing how to spread the news without hurting me he simply blurts it out.

„That’s what John already was trying to tell you earlier.“

I open my mouth and shut it again – like a fish gasping for air. Curly just manages to wrap me into my dress robe and then he catches me, carrying me over to the large couch in the recently finished fitting area. I just lean against the cushions and stare holes into the air – completely flustered. In the meantime Mart swiftly gets into his clothes and takes my jeans and sweatshirt with him.

„Come, get at least dressed, baby!“

As I do not move an inch he carefully removes the fabric and helps me into my underwear. Mechanically I follow his movements and stick my head through the collar of my shirt. It’s a bit odd when he tries to zip and button my jeans – usually it’s just the other way around.

„Get up a little – I can’t move the bleeding thing up!“

Finally I’m all set, sitting there – unable to show any kind of sensible reaction. He moves next to me, with an alarmed look.

„Angel, talk to me – yell, if you want, but god - become alive again!“

„That’s a bad joke, isn’t it?“

„I’m afraid it’s not.“ He checks his watch. „She should be in at the gyn in about four hours.“

„How could she?! How could he?!“

„Shush, relax – David is as stunned as yourself! There’s a big chance her lover is responsible for the damage – and now she wants to carry it on to the ‚sweet hubby’ who always wanted another child after Stella.“

Feeling suddenly sick I jump up and run for the toilet – retching my guts out. Flushing the loo my thoughts seem to focus again. I clean my mouth and slowly walk back into the adjacent room.

„She can’t think she could pull the wool over his eyes!“ Hot anger is rising within me and I clench my fists.

„Dave thinks she already was pregnant when she came up with the idea of havinvg another baby.“

I shudder, remembering the unbearble scene at Jack’s place. So she wants to play hardball. And she will win in the end – as Dave will love the kid anyways – biologically his or not. Being adopted himself and having kept Jimmy...it’s over! This ‚truth’ hurts – it hurts immensely!

„No, Sivvi, no! Don’t you give him up now! He hasn’t – he still wants you! God, I can read it all over your face – you can’t let her win now!“

„What am I supposed to do, huh? You know him – you know her.“

„He’s so close to split up with her – yet he can’t due to her state obviously. She’s literally got him trapped.“

„Then she’d better have a misscarriage as well!“

Oh my god, I didn’t say that?!

„Siv!!“

„Sorry, it just slipped!“

He pulls me closer into his arms.

„I understand you are deeply hurt – yet we all have to be patient and brave now. No idea what karma has in it’s sleave for us, but it’s for sure something rough again. I’m here to soothe you. Andy will take care of you. There’s the studio...so many things you need to focus on now for a while. Whatever is going to happen – it IS going to.“

I haven’t shed a single tear so far – too deep is the shock opposed to the pain I experience. Sinking in more and more my lids start to flutter and a moment later Martin has to hold my quivering body.

„I will call Andy now. He should know meanwhile. John wanted to meet him for lunch.“

„Oh my, poor Andrew! His load to carry seems not to lighten with me around. I will mess it up with him, too!“

„Gobshite, you won’t! As much as you will never be able to get rid of me, you hear me?“

He cups my face firmly in his hands, kissing my puffy eyes and salty cheeks.

„It’s not going to happen!“

***

Andrew puts down his glasses onto the linnen covered table and takes a big sip of his soda. His face colour faded within the last minutes. Jonathan nervously brushes over his mustache and eyes Anton who doesn’t look very relaxed himself.

„Martin will take good care of her, you know him. He promised to call.“

„How could you leave him alone with her? If she...you saw her last time – when she’s into pieces!“

He wants to get up but John holds him back.

„Mart is the best choice we have. He’s the more emotional type.“

„Opposed to me?!“

„Andy, no! I didn’t mean it that way! It’s just – you already are so deep into all this – and we know your temper, right?“

Fletch sighs and sits back down properly.

„This is all so absurd!“ He shakes his head in disbelief. „He really should have finally the guts to ditch that bitch!“

„You’re unfair now. If their bond wasn’t as such we wouldn’t have all this mess now. His family is his life – the cocoon that keeps him sane and going. Well, most of the time that is.“

„Jen must be terribly desperate to foul the ball!“

„Hey, this is not a soccer game! It’s not a game at all – besides, who’s following which rules here anyway?“

„Bloody chaos, that’s it!“

„Even chaos follows a well structured scheme.“, Anton cuts in.

The three men still sit in front of their half emptied plates when John’s mobile finally chimes into the tensed conversation. Andy immediately stretches his long body, extremly alert.

„Good Lord, it’s you, Mart! Andy is close to going through the roof here. How’s Siv?“

The manager’s facial features are stern while he listens to the person at the other end of the line.

„OK, Martin. We’re at the studio in a few minutes. Don’t let her go anywhere on her own. Cheers!“

He ends the call and slips his Blackberry back into his pocket. Two faces are fixing him questionly.

***

My sight is still a little blurred but I recognize Andrew’s red hair at once. Before I can manage to get up from the sofa he’s already there – getting me up and scooping me in his strong arms.

„I’m there, sweatheart! Everything’s gonna be alright. Let’s get home.“

„Andy, please don’t worry so much about me! I’m not worth it!“

„I love you – and loving means worrying – I should know best – so do you. Now stop talking crap!“

The smell of cinnamon lets me open my eyes. I must have dozed off on couch next to the fireplace, cuddled in one of the cosy woolen plaids.

„Awww, you’re so sweet, hun! Your famous porridge!“

Andy blinks at me and then takes the spoon into his hand.

„You haven’t eaten properly for a while now and Martin told me you vomitted in the studio. This will calm your stomach. Now let me feed you. Don’t want you to be skin and bones.“

„That’s not going to happen so soon – I have enough back up.“

„Ah, there it is – your dark humour! Now if that’s not a trace of light at the horizon.“

„Woah, it’s hot!“

I back away a little and lick my lips to ease the pain.

„Oops, sorry! Forgot to puff to cool it down.“

With the next spoon he softly blows over the surface – rising some giggles from me.

„Hey, I’m not a baby!“

He fixes my eyes with his abysmally blue ones.

„You are my baby – and I’m going to take good care of you.“

LXXVI.

It must be in the wee hours when I wake up from a kerkuffle in the corridor. Opening my eyes and reaching for Andy - his side of the bed is empty and in the next minute the door to the bedroom swings open. The light flashes on and blinds me for a moment. Only thing I realize is someone dashing towards the bed, nearly jumping at me.

„Dave, oh my god – David!“

I can’t believe what I see, feel, smell and hear! His low, baritone voice is shaking when he drags me into his arms, kissing me desperately, his typical scent nearly knocking me out.

„Christ knows how I survived without you, baby!“

When I’m able to look into his face I’m shocked for a moment. Pale, tired and tears streaming down his cheeks.

„Siv, it’s over!“

„What do you mean, Dave?“

„She’s got a fucking pseudopregnancy, that is!“

I’m speechless.

„Plus her loverboy had to reveal he isn’t able to beget a child. So far for the bleeding impromptu family planning!“

„Gosh, she must be shattered!“

„You bet she is. I could be evil and add a ‚serves her right’, but I still feel for her – even after all this.“

„And yet you left her alone in her grief to jet over?“

„She’s got her family – as usual. Rosie and Jimmy didn’t know about the whole thing anyway.“

He kisses me passionately again.

„I told her several times I wasn’t happy with the situation she manoeuvered us into. She has to cope with the fact I need to be with you now. And no – I don’t want to spend any thought about the future of my marriage now, OK?“ The look in his eyes is so very sad it tears my heart in two.

„Just hold me for the rest of the night, angel. I need to be with you.“

„But Andy...?“

„I will sleep in the guestroom, Siv.“ Andrew stands in the door, watching us. Dave obviously must have yanked him out off bed terrorizing the door bell. He only wears his black boxers and a t-shirt, his hair looking like a mess.

„No way, hun. I want you both around. You are not stepping back – your place is next to me.“

Andy closes the door with a sigh and steps direction bed.

„I’m quickly jumping under the shower – it was a long, sticky day.“

David lets me go, takes off his leather jacket and then heads for our en suite bathroom. While we hear the shower running Andy slips back under the covers, spooning me.

„You know, what this means?“

He nods and softly kisses my neck.

„Usually Dave acts before he thinks – yet this time I’m pretty sure he thought well about the consequences. I’d say Jennifer can be happy if he’d decide to stay with her.“

„I suppose he still checks his calendar.“

„What?“

„Well, if you wouldn’t be in the condition you are I would have insisted on using condoms yesterday.“

Seeing the perplexion in his face I have to slightly laugh.

„Though it’s not really following a too tight cycle the fertility test Vay sent me shows a red light – meaning I’m ready to conceive. That much about twin souls.“

Deep inside I’m happy about the still existing ‚connection’ between Dave and me. Whether he checked his filofax or not – he’s just on spot again.

„Well, if that’s what he still wants. Or you.“ I touch the two rings at my finger.

„What’s that what I still want?“

Dave appears in the room again this very moment, treating his hair with a towel.

„Could we all discuss that a bit later? I’m really missing some sleep.“

I pat on the other side next to me and he crawls onto the bed like god created him, moving under the sheets. Following the forms of my body he nests his head in the crook of my neck and I let my arm slip around his waist, dragging him closer to me.

„Did I ever tell you that you need a licence for that shower gel of yours?“

He snickers and kisses my nose while Andy turns off the main lights.

„I’m glad you let the bottle rest there in the rack from last time. Feels a little like home.“

Andrew coughs.

„OK, OK – I meant I feel welcome here. Better, Mr. Fletcher?“

Cuddled in the warmth of two bodies – two people I dearly love – it doesn’t take long and exhaustion takes it’s toll – letting me fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

***

I must be still dreaming. It feels so good! Somebody treats my skin with numerous kisses. Don’t let me ever wake up again! No idea if it’s Dave, Mart or Andy – I don’t want these sensations to end! Stretching a little I let out a tiny moan. Hands at my thighs, parting my legs gently. Oh my god! Feels so damn real! I open my eyes in perplexion. Andy grins into my face, resting on his arm next to me. The naughty lips working further below...it’s David! His head moves up and down, his long, slender fingers digging into the soft flesh of my hips. Realizing a change in my body tension he shortly looks up, an evil glow in his dark irises. His lips and chin are glistening from my juices.

„Good morning, sweatheart!“

Andy kisses me quickly onto my lips before I can speak a syllable. Instead of an answer I only can moan into his mouth. Yet then some kind of switch in my subconscious seems to flick and I’m fully awake now. Wriggling me out of Andy’s embrace I grab into Dave’s dark hair to stop him.

„David, would you please come up here...now?“

He must have detected the tone in my voice immediately as he loosens his grip and slides up on the bed, slipping close to me – letting me taste his sticky mouth.

„Hey, baby – what’s up?“

I brush back a sweaty strand of his hair and lock my eyes with him.

„David, it’s not going to work this way.“

„But I thought...“

„Dave, as long as we both carry these emotional burdens it will do no good to neither of us.“

I take his hands firmly into mine – seeing the disbelief in his expression.

„I still want this with you – just grant us all a little more time to settle. See, I still wear your ring – unless you want to take your promise back. Which I could understand. Dave – the pain loosing another child would be too much to bear – not just for me. And yes – I’m horribly scared to be honest – to become pregnant again at the moment. I’m still fighting with my sanity from the last one – though you know I’m a fighter – but I’m not invincible – nor are you! Just look at you now...David, darling...please!“

He frees himself from the connection of our hands abruptly and jumps off the bed, storming out off the bedroom. The tears in his eyes  - they haven’t escaped me. I feel the urge to run after him but Andy holds me back.

„Siv, let him. He feels rejected and perhaps he thinks it’s his fault again. All the fuzz with Jen really hit him hard. You better give him space now. He will come back when he’s ready.“

„God, I wish I never brought up that subject those days and had talked him rigorously out of it when it was still time! The longer this travesty goes the more I sense how absurd it is – how many people get hurt! I never thought I’d be so stupid!“

„Angel, I love you! I agreed to it and am fully aware of the situation. You still want to have an own child, right?“

I wipe a few tears away that I couldn’t hold back – more angry than desperate ones at the moment.

„Yes, I want – but not if the the price is too high. I never was good at gambling. I shouldn’t start now.“

„No Jackpot so far?“

I can’t help to snicker and poke Andy into his side – him flinching back. Then I turn serious again.

„The Jackpot sits next to me in the bed – it’s just hard for me to believe it.“

„Umh, I’m said to be the world’s most famous one finger keyboarder – I wasn’t called a one-armed bandit so far.“

„Geez, Andrew Fletcher! Only you could crack such a joke in this situation!“

He twinkles at me and then kisses me softly but passionately.

„I don’t take coins  - just love.“

***

David impatiently fixes the laces of his running shoes and dashes through the backdoor – to face some frosty cold weather. It’s a typical morning for late january. The sky is clear blue and the glistening snow layer crunches with every step he takes. The icy air bites into his nostrils and he pulls his hood and scarf tighter. No more tears, Dave. They will freeze to your face.

The more he fights the more those tiny, salty pearls search their ways. Not much later he feels his lashes sticking uncomfortably together. It must be at least -10°C. Every breath hurts and he has to slow down his pace. Anger is not a good companion. He started way too briskly. How to get rid of all this tension?! His body cries for relief and usually a good stint helps.

Continuing in some mid tempo his heart slowly adapts and the sweat stops trickling down his back inside his shirt and sweater.

Dave, you are a stupid idiot and you know it – as usual!

I love her madly! How could she reject me?!

Perhaps she doesn’t love you the way she used to any more? You told her to focus on Andy, didn’t you?

Bollocks! She wants the baby as much as me – and she still burns for me! I saw it in her eyes – I felt it, tasted it on her skin!

You put her through a lot of pain – sooner or later she would break! You have your family to take care of – or you will loose them, too! Then you’ll stand there with nothing!

Oh shit, stop it! What shall I do now? I love them BOTH! I really do!

David, do you honestly believe this is going to work? Jennifer already took more than you could expect from a loyal wife. What do you think will happen if Siv really manages to keep the next baby – when it’s born?

Ah, come on – that’s pure speculation! I will see when it’s actually happening! Nobody knows how somebody really will feel.

Do you still think it’s a good idea to act first and then think – when the damage is done?

Hell, what am I doing just now?! My brain’s nearly on overload!

What is it what YOU really want, David? To please the people you love – to be loved? Isn’t the price a bit high?

David stops at the next oak tree and leans against it, breathing heavily.

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