45. part one

Only three days till the next recording session! This was supposed to be our happy, little time out. I couldn’t care less about the album now. God, what have I done again?!

Mart buries his head in his hands. The sun beams that find their way through the partially opened blinds cast odd shadows onto the king size bed where Dave’s body is resting. Yes, his body. The essence of him is somewhere curled up in the last recess of his troubled soul, unconscious to the world outside. Martin’s private physician and friend made it out into this pictoresque landscape after receiving the urgent call. Switching the brunette man’s mind off, taking him off the net so to speak, was the only way to prevent any more severe damage.

Martin, how could you think of getting away with it? Dave’s right – you haven’t been completely open. Apparently this hurts more than the truth. You failed again – being so fucking scared to fuck things up – though you masterly fucked them up ages ago! He would have told you about Alan, he was close to lay it to your feet – lying there, his soul bare.

His eyes wander over to David’s travel bag. The diaries! He silently gets up from his seat and goes to fetch them. Yes, they are securely packed at the bottom. With trembling hands he takes the green one and returns to the chair.

What the hell have I written those days?! He didn’t get to those pages for sure. How could I forget about this?!

Before he can open the worn out book Dave’s blackberry chimes from his jeans pocket. Martin dashes towards it and can just pick up in time.

„Hey, Jenny! It’s me! Dave is still fast asleep. He wasn’t feeling so well, complaining about his migraine. He took his meds. I was just about to get a fresh cool pack.“

Martin, you fucking, fucking liar!!

„Ah! Hi, Mart. I promised not to disturb your little fuckfest, but I wanted to let you know that we take an earlier flight to the Hamptons, about a week. When you’re through with your session send Dave straight to Long Island, OK?“
„Fuckfest?!“ Mart really has to bite his tongue not to boil over with the recent happenings. His anger flushes over his face in purple shades. Jen’s telltale laughter at the other end doesn’t better the situation. He can’t help it and squeezes the words through his gritted teeth.
„I wonder why you so willingly had that certain fuckfestival with me ten years back then. As that’s what it was. You do not want to compare it with Dave and me now, do you?“
There’s a moment of awkward silence and he can hear her irregular breath.
„That’s not fair, Martin.“
„Yes, you’re right! It was a foul thing to do concerning Dave and our friendship. You have to deal with your own conscience. I really hate myself for it meanwhile.“
„Sweet Jesus, you didn’t tell him?!“
„I didn’t need to do that.“
There was somebody else very eager to do so. At least I can tell the truth now. Hell, she isn’t starting crying over there?!

„Martin, please do not tell him! We both were fools! It’s in the past, so long ago.“
„Jennifer, you know I like you and I still hold you in high regard for what you did for Dave. The man loves you to bits – despite his black hole that constantly seems to need feeding. I think you should tell him. It will hurt – but hiding it any longer makes it worse. On the other hand it’s my responsibility as I started the whole mess.“
„It’s been resting over ten years buried deep down. Why now?“
„Perhaps as all our lives are upside down kind of for a while? If you stir in a deep pond long enough eventually the dirt will come to the surface.“
Jennifer sighs deeply.
„Mart, not now! We need that family holiday so much and you need all your energies for recording the bloody album. Let’s postpone it for a while, waiting for a good moment.“
„Is there any good timing for this? Alright, I won’t force things.“
„Thanx, Martin. I better keep to my promise not to disturb despite the usual hubby-wifey calls. Take care.“ She pauses a moment. „And give all my love to Dave. I know you would anyway.“

45. part two

Dave turns a little in the sheets, groaning – yet he doesn’t wake up. Mart places the mobile next to him onto the window sill. Letting his eyes wander over his lover’s forms again he feels like recognizing him for the first time. The sun casts the shadows of his silhouette over his face and torso.

Why do I have to darken your heart and soul with another black shadow of mine? I soon must only remind you of the pain I cause. Still do not really want to drag you into my bizarre, frightening abyss. My heart is so heavy and low...will I ever learn to love and hold?

„Don’t be afraid, my tiny, twinkling star! You’re safe in my arms. I won’t let you go. Rest against my heart and listen. It’s full of the joy of seeing you smile and grow. You saved my life. I will always be there to carry you if you’re tired or weak. Rosie, I love you so much. Sleep now, baby – I’m here.“

Dave moves on the mattress, embracing himself tightly. His lids flutter slightly, yet he’s still somewhere else – far away from consciousness. Mart holds his breath. It’s like a sharp dagger searing through his heart. Being a father he knows, he feels. Walking slowly over to the bed he sinks down onto the edge and hesitates for a moment. Then he moves closer and drags David’s sweaty body into his arms.

„If I could hand my soul over to the devil now to save you – to save our love – believe me, I would, my dark angel. I hope it’s not too late and you will heal. I see me through your eyes, I breathe through you. Yes, you are the channel I send myself through, the thoughts and feelings God’s given me. They are so wonderful I simply can’t carry them on my own! I’m so sorry for hurting you!“

His eyes follow the well shaped lips that twitch every now and then, the pleasant lines of his chin and neck. The carotid is regularly pulsing, embedded in the muscular, soft skin. He buries his face in the crook and inhales the typical scent, his warm breath kinda bouncing back at him. After a while Dave seemed to have calmed down and the tension in his arms and shoulders gradually disappears. Martin loosens his grip and softly places the brunette man’s arms back onto the blanket. Getting up he returns to the chair, grabs the green diary again, flipping through some pages till he finds what he was looking for.

New York, October 29th, 1998

God, I’m so glad we have the next two days off! Those two concerts were a killer again! Dave, it’s such a pain to see you suffering through the songs, your voice still broken and insecure. No way we can keep ‚Condemnation’ in the set list – the worse it’s your fav song. You are still so very fragile in my eyes yet determined not to slip back into old habits. I see Geoff hanging around like a shadow nearly all friggin day! I start to hate that guy – the many hours he spends with you – instead of me! I know that’s silly, but I feel neclected! Moreover your girlfriend is really hot. Not the typical ‚Jenny from the block’ thing. She’s got class and the heart of a lioness – being able to get you by the balls and heart at the same time. I do not hate myself for all the lustful thoughts...some things just shouldn’t have happened. I really have to reduce my amount of strong spirits cause I’m not really sure any more. Only thing I know is never let you get a nose from it. For now that is. It feels too good and maybe...no, I can’t be that crazy! You’re up to have your own family, my dark angel. Yes, you are my dark angel – the one with black feathers – the one that got severely burnt and yet returned from the hellfires. I can’t push you back into the pit. Oh, Alan! Why can’t I shake free? You are plain evil – but I can’t stop feeling drawn to your feet, wishing for your black leather, the boot, the pain, the helplessness. When you called me last night after the concert to come to your hotel room my heart leaped in my chest. I shouldn’t have drank all the vodcas. Just remember your devilish grin and the pain in my ass. Then I woke up in a different bed – oh my god! I still have no clue why we weren’t discovered!

There are things better left unspoken
When the body’s talking louder than your soul
Only moments and the chain is broken
All that fills the yearning hole

Stolen kisses burning on your lips and lower
There is no going deeper than the skin
Knowing the truth is killing you just slower
You’re diving in the sea of sin

Unfaithful, infidel
Can you still see yourself in the mirror?

He has to stop reading as some images make it back into his conscience. Oh my fucking god!

She smiled at me with her sleepy eyes, her hair tousled from the pillow and our rough sex. „You better go now, Martin. He will be back in about 30 minutes.“ Pointing to her mobile I realized you must have called. „We have to be more careful in the future.“ What future? I wasn’t able to put the pieces together properly. No idea how I made it back to the hotel suite. Supposedly took a cab there. After another shower I saw myself, my backside in the bathroom mirror. All my back was full of impressive, red marks and scratches. No, the mirror doesn’t lie, does it? It might contort the thruth yet it stays as it is. I did it again – we did it again. Yes, it felt so fucking good, her skin on my skin, my throbbing cock inside her hot, wet and pulsing pussy! Why do I always have to have what’s not mine? I never seem to get what I really want, what I really yearn for.

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