60. part one

“Rosie, it’s time! I’ve got to get to the studio doing some work. I’ll drop you and Jimmy at school, so hurry up now!”
Stella sips the rest of her milk from the cornflakes bowl and rolls her eyes.
“I saw that!” Dave peaks his head into the kitchen. “Where’s your sweet bro?”
“In the bathroom – pimping up, as usual. He’s got a gf, you know!” She pokes out her milk flecked, rosy tongue. Now it’s Dave rolling his eyes in return. Rosie giggles, jumps from her chair and places bowl and spoon into the dishwasher.
“Jiiiim! We need to leave! Forget about those spots. The girls are only interested in your…errr…inner values!” He has to snicker about himself. The bathroom door jams open and a still sleepy dark curly teenage boy stumbles out of it.
“Why didn’t you just say “dick”, dad?”
Rosie squeals and chases her brother to the wardrobe.
“I’m telling mom you used that word again! Next to the F-bomb!”
“Mommy just heard it!”
Jennifer appears around the corner in the hallway, still in her dress gown. She nudges her son into his side.
“Rosy is barely nine! Watch your big mouth.”
“Ah, come on! She can catch it up anywhere. At school, on TV, from Dad…oops!”
The dark haired woman turns her head and fixes her husband who tries to put up an innocent face.
“Have you been cussing again?”
“No, no – I swear!”
Both look at each other and then all burst into a hearty laughter.
“OK, OK – we really need to go now, or even I will learn some more naughty words from Fletch. Come on!”
He quickly pecks his wife. Jenny grabs him and pulls him in for a proper kiss.
“Don’t be back too late, Sweetheart.”
“I’ll try, baby.”

***
Mart’s fingers absentmindedly hurry over the keys of the grand piano. He seems so lost in his music that the others in the studio let him be and work on their daily issues. Martin isn’t aware what he’s playing. It’s just happening, his subconscience jumping in.
Did I just exchange one master for the other?!
As a matter of fact the recent events in that suite still cruise through his troubled mind and soul. He can’t help it – Alan focussed on Dave, not on him.
Did he detect I need Dave like the air to breathe? Perhaps. He’s no retard, not at all.

“But Dave protects me, you just want to own me.”
He doesn’t realize he’s silently talking to himself – and that he’s got a witness meanwhile. Dave leans against a pillar near by and observes him with a worried expression on his handsome face. Sneaking next to him he tenderly brushes through the blond curls. The touch seems to yank Mart back and he flinches shortly. Checking the environment he smoothes his cheek against Dave’s open, warm palm.
“Hey, big boy. What still troubles you?”
Seeing the pain flickering through the green irises he has to swallow. Mart takes his hand and pulls him next to him onto the piano bench. Leaning against his shoulder he interlaces his muscular fingers with his lover’s. Dave senses the slight buzzing.
“Curly, we have to protect each other. It’s not just up to me. I can’t carry that burden on my own. I need you, too.”
He squeezes the tanned fingers around his hand and holds Mart’s view for a moment.
“I heard you talking. Not just now – in your sleep as well.”
“David…I’m not ready…with thinking. I’m tired to the bone.”
“OK. Let’s leave this place for a while. I’m sick of microwave food and the corner deli. Out for some Thai?”
A little smile creeps over the blond man’s face.
“Might not be the worst idea.”

***
“Hey, stop stealing my food, Dave!”
The addressed quickly stuffs some bits into his mouth, licking at his chopsticks.
“We should order a variety for both of us next time. You really drive me bonkers, you know!”
“Aww, come on! I’m not that bad – and I’m starving all the time.”
“Your big hazel puppy eyes won’t help you much, my dark angel!”
“Alright, I’ll order you some more.”
He eyes for a waiter and then freezes.
“Shit, Mart…look!”

Through the main door, down the crammed restaurant, two men enter the room, obviously searching for some free space to sit down and eat.
“We are invisible, we are invisible, we are invisible.”, Mart mumbles under his breath.
“Too late.” Dave’s tone is sarcastic.
Trent spotted them and enthusiastically waves, dashing nearer.
“Geez, Trent! We can’t be seen with Al in public!”
That’s all Dave can hiss between his gritted teeth while Alan pops up behind the NIN singer.

60. part two

“Hi, guys! Ah, come on – this place is so crowded and who would wonder at all? I’m with Al. We’re producing some stuff in the studio, so what’s the big deal?”
“You know how it works, Trent. Rumors travel faster than any burb.”
Alan politely smiles and takes his seat next to the excitedly talking, short haired man.
“Any recommendations concerning the menu?”
“Vegetarian or not – it’s all very delicious.”
“Dave should know. He nearly polished my portion as well.”
Mart doesn’t feel too comfy with Alan sitting just opposite of him now. Making some smalltalk might ease the discomfort.
“So, how’s your secret project going on?”
“Shush, for Christ’s sake! Not in public! I thought you usually are quite the oyster when it comes to confidential stuff!” Dave starts to feel quite annoyed now.
“Sorry, I’m just so curious. That would be the hoot!”

The chit chat continues and nothing spectacular seems to evolve. Dave and Mart relax in their seats and after some more food and jasmine tea the mood is quite animated. Alan’s iPhone buzzes and he excuses himself, getting up and disappearing outside. Mart needs the restroom and passes Dave, brushing along his arm. His friend smiles sweetly at him and continues talking with Trent. The ideas that start developing in their minds keep them engrossed for a while.

Mart closes his zipper and presses the flush with his left foot. The water gurgles through the porcelain urinal and the moment he turns for the wash basin he stares against another t-shirt clad chest. Alan. He didn’t hear him entering the restroom. There’s nobody else around – just like in bad movies. Martin tries to ignore the taller man and wants to pass him. Two strong hands hold bim back by his shoulders and push him against the next tiled wall. The hollow dripping in the drain is the only sound besides both of their breath.

“Get your hands off me, Alan.”
The man in front of him does not reply, just keeps staring at him without any visible emotion.
Dave, please help me!
Mart tries to focus all his emotions onto that one thought.
“Did you feel neglected two nights before?”
Alan’s cold voice lets him shiver. He’s got the uneasy feeling that this is not going to end nicely.
“No need to answer. I know it. Your eyes never lied. I will give you what you deserve now.”
You need to fight, kick him, scratch him, yell for your life!
Before he even finished thinking a hand covers his mouth and he’s dragged to the next open cubicle. Alan hastily kicks the door shut and pushes the bolt with his free hand.

“That’s sound fucking interesting, Trent. If we weren’t so bloody busy with the recordings! How long did you say you’d spend around the area?”
“Till the end of this week. Then it’s back to New Orleans.”
He turns his head.
“Al seems to have an important call.”
This very moment Dave realizes that both of the men still were missing and an odd rumbling in his stomach tells him he better check for the loo. Trent doesn’t escape the concerned expression on his colleague's face.
“Trent, follow me!”
“Did I miss anything?”
“I hope not!”
David speeds up and when he opens the door to the restroom he already can hear the heartbreaking sobs.

“Oh my god, Curly!”
The blond man sits in an open cubicle, on the cold, dirty floor, jeans down to his ankles, shirt ripped open.
“I will kill him, I swear to God I will kill him with my bare hands!”
“What the fuck is going on here, Dave?!”
“Help me, Trent! Geez, baby – what did he do to you?!”
“Shouldn’t we call the cops? Looks he was…raped!”
“No!!”
Martins voice clearly and voluminously echoes through the room.
He tries to get up and the two other men now rush to help him out off the compartment. With trembling fingers Mart buttons his jeans, wetness still glistening on his face. His whole body is shaking, his breath ragged.
“He just kissed me, Dave. He just kissed me all over. Very tenderly.” Then he looses balance and faints, Dave just being able to catch him in his arms.

“Don’t ask, Trent. Let’s get him into a cab back to his hotel.” Mart starts to move and Dave gingerly lets him down to his feet again. Both men take him by his shoulders and compliment him back into the main room, getting addressed by an upset waiter who must have thought they wanted to leave through the back door without paying. Dave points to his friend and asks for the bill and a glass of water. The water doesn’t take long to arrive and the brunette man hands the guy a 100$ bill.
“That should easily cover the costs.”
Outside they flag down a cab and instruct the driver with the shortest route.

Dave pulls the cover closer to Mart’s chin and observes the pale faced man in the sheets. He’s so stressed out that he instantly closed his eyes and fell asleep. No, he’s not unconscious this time, just strung out. His friend feels the urge to cuddle next to him, but Trent is still waiting in the lounge, sipping a club soda.

“How’s he? Did he tell you any more?”
“No, he immediately fell asleep. Thanx for your help. Much appreciated.”
Trent throws a short look out off the window and then faces Dave again.
“You two? I mean…I know he’s bi.” He smiles a little. “The rumours cruise since the very beginning of Depeche, you know.”
“Trent, I do not really feel like discussing my private matters, OK?”
“Hey, don’t feel ticked down. I’m not your adversary.” He lets himself fall down onto the couch, ignoring the little signal from Dave to bid his farewell. “You wonder where I stand – how close I am with Alan. Just say it. I saw the looks, the unspoken words, the suppressed emotions. It was Alan doing that to Martin, am I right?” He pats next to him onto the leather surface. “Don’t stand there like that. The only close interest I share with Mr. Wilder is our affinity for electronic music and deviant sexual practises. Yes, you heard me right.”
Dave plunks next to Trent onto the black sofa. He’s still lost for words. A strong hand pats his shoulder.
“I have no private alliances with him. We only once met in person before and the circumstances were way more bizarre than today.” Dave cocks a brow. Trent rolls his eyes and goes on.
“In a fetish club, dude! A very male oriented one to be concrete. Yes, I’m bi as well, Dave, but I do not advertise it. Alan had no idea and hopefully still hasn’t. We were joking and drinking, a night out with some other guys so it was just funny to end up there. It sent some creeps down my back to see him changing in his personality that much. I only knew him quite laid back.”
“Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”
“Exactly.”
Trent takes another sip from his glass and empties it. The last lonely ice cube clanks when he puts it back onto the table.
“Can I do anything else for you? Checking for Alan? Not sure in what state he might be now. He will expect Martin to talk.”
“That would be great. I don’t want to kick you out, but I…” “You need to be with him now, I fully understand.” He gets up and follows Dave to the front door. Before the brunette opens it they quickly hug good-bye. “You take care, you two. The info is save with me. We will stay in touch.” Turning on his heel he stops and looks back again. Moving backwards he swiftly places a firm kiss onto Dave’s unexpecting lips. Then the door falls shut.

What the hell …?!

60. part three

Dave brushes over his lips, the strange taste of the other man still lingering there. The sudden buzz of his mobile reminds him they’re missing at work for a while now. Checking the display it’s John.

“Where the hell are you two?!”
“Sorry, John! I hadn’t got the time to message or call. Mart…well, he’s not in a good condition. I hope he’s asleep now.”
“Dave, what the hell has happenend again?! You two really need to spepparate private from work matters!”
“Alan is in town, Jonathan.”
“Oh.” His friend and managers clears his throat. He does not know intimate details, but he’s aware of the fact that Mart and Alan do not really go well along with each other still.
“We incidentally met at lunch at the same restaurant. He was with T-Rez. They apparently do some studio stuff as well.”
“Trent Reznor and Alan?!”
“Well, Trent told me about some mixes and new ideas they seem to play around with. You know Alan. Once he sees a control unit he’s hooked on.”
“So, why’s Martin upset then?”
“I can’t tell you, sorry, John. It’s private. I better check for him now. Hopefully he’s better tomorrow. I’ll keep you informed, OK? You better try to arrange all the bits that can run without him or me. Ben should have a long list anyway. I know that bleeding place costs loads of money every hour.”
“Alright, you really let me work hard for my money recently, you know that?”

Dave quietly sneaks into the bedroom and cautiously sits down onto the edge of the huge bed. The blond curls on the white pillows look sweaty and messy, the face belonging to them is still pale. Mart’s lids flutter and his body restlessly moves in the sheets. Dave takes off his shoes, pulls the t-shirt over his head, slips off his pants and then crawls next to the trembling form under the blanket. Like following a reflex Mart snuggles immediately against his chest and starts to relax a little more. Dave’s fingers run through the damp hair and he closes his eyes, exhaling heavily.

“He just fucking kissed me all over.”
David’s eyes fly open. He’s no idea for how long he drifted away but his lover’s hoarse voice reached him at once. Mart faces him with puffy, red eyes.
“Dave, I really thought he would fucking bugger me!”
“Shush, tell me one after the other. What happened, baby?”
“He cornered me in the restroom.”
“There’s a bloody back door from the street. He must have entered there without notice.”
“Well, he stared at me – you know how he can glare at you – and then grabbed me and pushed me into that cubicle, mumbling something about I didn’t get the attention I deserved at our last encounter. I should have yelled for help but I was paralyzed! Then he covered my mouth anyway and ripped down my jeans. I don’t know – he tore open my shirt and pressed me against the wall, enjoying the horror in my eyes.”
Dave balls his hands to fists, one hitting the sheets.
“Fucking asshole!”
“I literally was frozen to the spot by then. And then he started to kiss me. Fuck, he let the hand over my mouth go, fixed my wrists next to my head and softy kissed my lips and then further down my neck and throat. I was so perplexed I really couldn’t move an inch! God, I still feel his lips on me, on my nipples, tummy…he went down all the way till my feet. I could have pushed him over several times but I didn’t, Dave! What’s wrong with me?!”
“Nothing, my angel, nothing! He’s just sick, that’s what he is!”
“When he got up again he had tears all over his face. He simply unlocked the door and left.”
Dave is lost for words for a moment.
“I could see it in his eyes – he’s really in love with me.”
“Martin, he’s a perverted prick, a real twat!”
“I’m not better!”
“Curly!! You’re not playing fucking mindgames terrorizing the person you have feelings for!”
The blond man starts sobbing again.
“You have no idea!”
“Did you ever pretend to rape somebody and then left him or her the way I found you there?!”
Martin shakes his head in denial and tries to wipe away some of the wetness in his face.
“What now?”
“I honestly have no idea, Martin. If that bugger should show up again I will seriously kill him though, I swear!” He tries to get back his composure. “Sorry, Curly. No, but it has to end!” He eyes Mart seriously again. “I had to fill Trent in a bit.” Martin sighs and nods slowly. “He for sure was wondering big time.”
“Why was he so sure that you are bi? He stated so.”
Mart blushes slightly and then takes Dave’s hand. “Cause I met him in a club in LA…a fetish club, you know. It’s been a while. He had long hair that time.” He smiles slightly now. “He didn’t spill it. I never heard or read anything about it.”
“Did you…did you two have sex?”
“You haven’t read my diaries completely, I see.” He brushes along Dave’s cheek and then lightly kisses him there.
“Yes, I did. It was just sex, Dave, just something very physical. Want to know more?”
“Not sure if I really want to know more insights, Martin.”
A hand fixes his chin and a pair of glistening, clear green eyes hold his view.
“My dark angel, you know me and how difficult it can be to get at my heart and soul. Do you really believe I let him that close in just one night? Surrounded by at least 10 other horny, leather and latex clad men?”
“Pardon me?!”
“Yes, you heard me.”
“They all…?”
“Dave, you really do not want to know that.”
“Martin…!”
“You know that I’m healthy after all those years – and you know the clubs policies about using condoms.” His expression is serious. “I’d never done anything like that outside a save zone.”
He squeezes Dave’s hand again. “And before you ask when exactly that was…when I thought I’d lost you forever, when I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. You suffered in your narcotic hell, I suffered in a different way besides the booze.”
Dave bends down his head and swallows hard.
“I think I don’t want to read your diaries any more.”
“Hey, Angel!”
The brunette man jumps up and paces through the room.
“You should tear them apart and burn them to ashes!”
“Dave, hey David, relax!”
Mart gets up as well and stops his mate in his angry motion, grabbing him by his shoulders.
“That wouldn’t make the past disappear. It’s all in me, it’s a part of me, it’s what made me the man I am now. Yes, I’m broken but I’m still alive!”

***
Alan rests his head against the wall. The vodka bottle next to him on the carpet is nearly empty. The alcohol slows down the uproar in his mind yet it’s not enough to make him numb to any emotion.
What have I done again?
He glimpses at the display of his iPhone where the photo he snapped of Martin still stares back at him. He took it when the blond man didn’t recognize it, when he was entering the restaurant with Trent, spotting him at a table. Mart looks happy and relaxed, chatting with Dave – his trademark smile all over his face, his green eyes having this certain inkling he adores so much.
And I destroyed it another time!

The rap at the suite door lets him turn his head into the direction of the sound. Ah, feck off! Another knock, quite persistent this time. Trent’s voice, calling for him. Slowly he tries to get up and after the second turn he finally manages to stagger to the door.

“Gosh, Alan! You’re juiced, man!”
He just can lift his arms to stabilize his opposite and guides him into the lounge area to the couch. Seeing the empty bottle it dawns him Alan will have a rude awakening the next morning. The man next to him coughs heavily now.
“Don’t you throw up now…all over me, mate! It’s my fav leather jeans!”
“I’m not drunk enough for that. Stop blabbering and get me another bottle.” His voice is slurry and Trent has his problems to catch every word properly.
“You better sleep it off, Al. No more booze. You really had enough.”
“Ah, you can piss off then, Rezs…Resh…shrrr!” Alan tries to get rid off the dark haired man’s arm. “Join zse luvlee couplll! They like id harrll!”
“Oh, my!” Thinking for a split second he drags the other man direction bathroom and having opened the cold water valve he simply shoves him under the shower, fully clothed.

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