Chapter 4

Do you mean this horny creep
Set upon weary feet
Who looks in need of sleep
That doesn’t come
This twisted, tortured mess
This bed of sinfulness
Who’s looking for some rest
And feeling numb

What do you expect of me
What is it you want
Whatever you planned for me
I’m not the one

A vicious appetite
Visits me each night
And won’t be satisfied
Won’t be denied
An unbearable pain
A beating in my brain
That leaves a mark of Cain
Right here inside

What am I supposed to do
When everything that I’ve done
Is leading me to conclude
I’m not the one

Whatever I’ve done
I’ve been staring down the barrel of a gun
What ever I’ve done
(Whatever, whatever)

Is there something you need from me
Are you having your fun
I never agreed to be
Your holy one

Whatever I’ve done
I’ve been staring down the barrel of a gun

/by Martin L Gore/




"Bullshit!!! So now, you want my forgiveness or do you want to turn me down again??? Asshole! And of course, ALL of the folks will think that is all my thoughts. Moreover, the fucking therapist said that I am full of inconsistencies. You contravene yourself within one song. So you did not know what to do? You should pick up that fucking phone! You could talk to me instead of fucking my brains out without a sentence. Yeah! You never agreed to anything considering me. I was the one who made the entire plea. For years. So now, I have to sing this up. After I sang up that Useless stuff, where you perched me about what a fucker I am. Yeah I should listen to you. If you would talk to me!”- Dave sense that he has to stop flurry himself, his headache starts to appear again. So he sings it up. Whatever! He is the entertaining singing-jumping monkey from the beginning anyway! Well he had a little hope that it would be a little different. He needs a smoke right away.

Outside Chris stands with his coffee and closed eyes, as he turns his face to the sun beams. He smiles at Dave when he senses him coming.
- Hey, why’s the long nose?
Dave has to laugh from this.
- I look like my grandfather alright! I can’t help it!
-Ok! No offend! And so why is the long face – Chris smirk naughty – you can’t talk that one out!
- No, nothing I’m just a bit tired. I’ll be okay, we almost finished anyway.
- Yeah you got that Barrel-song to sing up and the whole afternoon is all yours to rest. We and the other guys are already sent home. I just have my last cup of coffee and go.
- Who will be staying here? – Dave voice is fading away from the possibilities.
- Martin and Tim.
- Oh! I see.

Entering the studio again with that new information brings his frustration back. So what! He sings it and don’t take notices of him. And go home take his pills and sleep off the rest of the day. Great plan! So he like some hurricane heading straight the recording booth, grabbing the lyric on his way. Picks up the headphones and stare in the songs eye as it was his challenge for today. Well maybe it is.

Behind the mixer the two men sits in shock almost with open mouth as they hear the bitter arrogance floating from Dave’s voice. The words tone of meaning is simply perfect. The anger is almost unbearable. Tim is the happiest man on Earth to hear this magic first. This legendary talent of this legendary performer. Martin on the other hand understands the singer’s action very well. As Dave looks at him from behind the glass wall he can see it in his eyes. Pure black eyes without irises. The beast is in surface within the man. Mart saw him enough time to recognize her inside Dave. The monster’s anger spreads from the singer. The anger that they both feel towards him. The voice echoing from the walls almost crush him with their power. The guilt wakes in him again. That is his lyric. He is that monster after all what is living inside David. He was helpless and useless. Yeah, Dave did not realized in that song either. Those lines…his useless advice…he was useless. He wasn’t able to let himself out of that shield of ice that he gathered around his heart and soul to protection. He’d run away instead of try to help him harder. Or try to let him closer.

The record is done by one shot. Tim is thrilled as he can’t stop the compliments coming from him in his excitement. The only thing stops him is a meeting he has to arrear, so he rush out after a half hour. Leave the two fighters alone in the battleground. Dave keeps his promise that he made for himself and ignores the blond man. Pack his stuff in the corner quietly. But Martin’s emotions are still stirred up badly. He can’t believe that he lost him like that. That Dave doesn’t understand his songs anymore. Though it seems like that. His message did not find the address. How can it be? That connection could be torn apart after all? That thing is just over with a cut? It is that simple? And meaningless? That easy? His sadness leads him next to his desire. When he looks up he stands behind Dave.
- What you want? - asks annoyed the singer after almost falling over Mart.
- Sorry. Just…did you think about those lyrics? You didn’t mention nowadays what you think about them.
- I think about them but you don’t want to hear it I suppose. – “or you didn’t want to hear me for that matter.”
- I see. You think I don’t care anymore of your opinion.
- No! I am sure that so do not give a fuck about me or my opinion at all – Dave can’t hold his hurt back anymore – You just want to get rewarded by my praising to your talent.

That one cut deep. Mart can feel it pin through his soul.
- I always write to you David, did you forgot that?
- I never forgot it! All of those songs are haunting me in my dreams. In my nightmares. And it makes me think about what a naïve fool I was to weaken every time you wrote a drippy little love song for me. I was blind to believe that you cared. - He is shouting now with all his bitter anger.
- But you cared for me too. You always said that – raise his voice the same Martin.
- I was high – sneers with his egoist smile – and I was wrong. I never wanted you like a lover. You were just a great fuck! And I get a pretty boy anytime I like! Your silly love song made me famous. I don’t need you within my personal life. And my sex-life is much better anyway since you don’t make me beg for your dick. – With that he rushes out, tear his car door open and shoot out of the range of the building. And the range of Martin’s shocked stare. He goes home and sleeps all day. That is the plan.


Knocking. Loud impatient knocking. Dave drags himself to the door, he is way too deep in his sleep than to turn angry at all. In the doorway a death-drunk Martin Gore is grabbing the wall. In his right he holds a half empty vodka bottle. Dave is suddenly awake from the shock, staring at the messy instable figure. He stands so close; he can smell his scent through the alcohol. It’s making his heart speed up. He can’t help it. Just stands there paralyzed. Can’t think, can’t breathe, and can’t move. Just waits for the next thing.

- Hey ya Sleeping Beauty! – giggles Martin – You have waked my sunshine? Prince Charming was just about to break your door down to wake you with his magic kiss. – laughing long on his own cleaver joke. There! How genially he surprised the princess!

- What do you want Mart? – whisper with audible fear the offended one, still blocking the entrance. Sparkling, out of focus light eyes shoot up to meet his, turning cloudy from the booze. Or the tears?

- I want a sign. –Tells quietly holding the singers bewildered gaze – I want a proof – pushing Dave on his chest he steps inside the flat. Step by step slowly makes the other one walk backwards for the bed. The still mesmerized man falls on his bum, the blonde is upon him at once. Sits astride in his lap, caress his hips with his thighs, pressing himself closely to Dave’s whole body. As it seems the brunette one don’t has any control over his own body. His hands snaking around the smaller figure, keeping it close strongly. Though it doesn’t seem that it would fight for any freedom. Both neck pits are filled with one urgently huffing and smelling face, as they attached to each other like some long lost pieces of one puzzle. Every body part has its place on the other ones’ curves. Ragged breathing, hungry hands feeding themselves. And after the first mutual minutes it’s all turn silent, motionless and calm. Two men holding on to each other so desperately like the world would crumble down on them. Time stops, breathing holds. All have frozen in the moment. Slowly they start to come out of the other ones daze.

Martin leans back to look deeply in David’s sad dark eyes. Some magnetic force starts to draw them together, until they dried lips attached. It is so tender like magic. But magic don’t last. So in just one moment they turn into two predators eating up the opposite one growling loudly. Their hands got the appetite as well. Disappears in every little possible space that is reachable. Mart take control, and concurs the below one with the rough moves and aggressive kisses. Dave can’t help it. His body parts turning into jelly. He does will leave him behind. He simply gives his weakened self to this blond witch. Every fight is useless; he is under his spell from decades.

And the singer’s mind doesn’t have even a spark of resist. He finds that lost feeling of peace in the feel of those small palms pampering. In those soft lips suck his breath away like some leech. Bathing his senses in Mart’s dizzying divine sent. The part of him buried deep inside now melting from joy. It’s been so very very long. His keeper is here, his other self now making him whole and halo. All of the world’s matters are answered, all of the nonsense making sense. Everything sharp and clear. The purpose of existing is in this moment of calm.


Martin is not peaceful at all. His greediness of feel becomes more and more visual, as he bits the soft neck; dig his nails in Dave’s scalp after pulling on his long hair holding his head back. Press his groin to the other man’s. Move roughly in his caress. His mouth rushing over the naked shoulders, tearing the goose bumped skin with his teeth. Taking his time to enjoy what Dave reacts. Or it is like as his exams the now shaking man’s status. Looking for something that he longs to get from him. He needs to get something from him more and more badly. And he is forcing out of him more and more aggressively. It is already begins to happen. The body awakes from the spell; the blood starts to go to places where it is needed. The blond man feels it rubbing his hips more to the hardness under. Purple haze covers Dave’s mind as he tries to catch his breath, tries to keep himself collected. He is cheating himself. He lost all of his powers minutes ago. So, whatever! He can’t hold it any longer as his excitement escapes his lips in one loud yell.

Martin froze at once. Straitening up he focuses closely on the huffing shivering singer. His nails still in the skin of his back. Deep black open eyes searching his questionably. There! He got it!

- You want me my gorgeous. I knew. I told you that you want me…

The egoist wide smile on his face reminds Dave some sadist Nazi commander. That smile is wide, as wide it tears the wound open on his newly stitched together pieces of his damaged heart. He just died again. Feels numb. This smile sucks him dry from the tear that is letting his life-force bleed out from his useless self. He’s not realizing the tick tears rushing over his face as he weaken from the pain that now biting him all over.

To be continued...

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