Meanwhile, their working day came to an end. Anton Corbijn was floating around them with his camera. He was making them stand up, then sit down, then walk all around the shooting place. They were squabbling from time to time. Martin was cursing quietly to himself, although he wouldn't go into details what did he mean, as usual. Sometimes they were snickering whole-heartedly just like when they were young, over their jokes, though someone would find their jokes rather dull. Even sir Andrew had to change his usual facial expression into something more human friendly.
They say Good bye to each other, standing near their cars, Martin tapped Dave's back, he meant to say something, but then changed his mind, just smiled and went away. They headed somewhere to have a drink or two with his permanent boon companion Fletch. For some reason Dave just couldn't go.
He returned to his hotel room, took a shower, hot water washed away his daily tiredness. He stretched himself on the bed with pure delight. His thoughts began to run in their own directions. Strange, but today's shooting led him to remember a lot of things, he thought he forgot completely. He was lying here, on his bed, letting his thoughts flow freely. Mental pictures of the past rose in his mind, and they were clear and bright, clearer and brighter then ever before, he shrugged, once it appeared to him as he can see it real.
***
Martin squeezed his shoulder, as if checking the solidity of his bones. Dave didn't expect such a force from him. Martin was lying on top of him now but still it wasn't clear for them both, what was going on. Was it a question of hate or a question of lust? Martin was lying on him without any moving, it seemed he was waiting for something. Dave instantly relaxed as if someone logged off the battery from him; he just weakened in Martin's steel embrace, threw back his head and closed his eyes. An inconceivable tranquility filled him from inside. And why should he bother? Everything has been said, everything he ever need to do or didn't need to do at all, however has been done. There was so much that has been said and done, it was obvious that there's no turning back. He didn't even care to open his eyes, to see Martin's face; he was just drowning in the moment. He grew deaf, the Universe of Silence was beckoning him now, words became useless, motions became useless, fear and aggression turned to fiction, morality and friendship and their damn relationships became senseless. Dave felt like he was a shiver in a wild mountain river, carried away, thrown to the rocky banks, then dragged with the flow right into the furious whirlpool, and thrown back on a bank again. The only thing that made sense was the animal closeness of their bodies. Skin on skin, flesh on flesh. Simple possibility to feel his breath, his heartbeat, his every barely perceptible movement.
Time was changing its course, turning into Eternity. Burning pain was releasing his shoulder slowly. He didn't need to ask Martin if he can feel it all. Dave was afraid to move, he was afraid to break this sensation that was born now, to destroy the Universal gravity combining them. Oh god, no…that's bullshit… it always existed, this joining, it has just burst now, ripped out from the cold Space, like a birth of a Supernova, burning with the solar wind, and filling them with scorching lava.
Dave understood what was going on only when their lips interflowed into a furious kiss. Oh, no, there wasn't any tenderness or love, only craving of closeness, discharging of the unbearable torture of mutual attraction, the rapture of them two becoming one. Beckoning and terrifying feeling, at the edge of pleasure and pain, at the edge of life and death.
He wasn't sure, if he heard Martin's moaning with this kiss, wasn't sure if it was his own moan too. They lips parted finally and Dave recalled that actually he needs to breathe sometimes.
- Oh, God, - whispered Martin. Dave dared to open his eyes, he was smiling and didn't want to talk at all. Dave grabbed Martin at the back of his head, drawing him closer; he couldn't let their lips to be apart for so long. Martin didn't even try to resist.
This time their kiss was much more sensual and tender. They were touching each other, intoxicated by this tenderness, slowly going deeper into the trance. They were drowning in this infatuation and hoping that it will never end. Martin lifted him up with his hand, making his access to Dave's lips more convenient. Dave moaned once again, it was hell enjoying being in Martin's mercy, that's for sure. The man who was so precious to him had a power over his body and that was felt just right. Martin was very serious when he was touching his lips with short kisses, insistent and keen, he gazed at his mouth, plump and sensual, it seemed like he didn't see the whole Dave in his field of vision were only Dave's lips and his own sudden whim to kiss them. It was so cynical and so possessive; it was turning Dave on beyond belief.
Dave was moving underneath now, twitching and fidgeting, in desperate need to intensify their contact, though it felt wrong to intercept Martin's initiative now. On the other hand this long-awaited tenderness was turning into torture to his yearning body. Dave arched his back, rubbing his hips of Martin's. His dick was fucking demanding attention. Over-kissed lips became numb, but Martin didn't intend to set them free at all.
Martin made Dave throw back his head, unclenching his jaws with his mouth, sorry, there was no way to express his kiss any better, and then he went inside. Martin was stroking his body with slow warm motions going down and down. They didn't talk about the rules, but Dave was sure that he should not make Martin touch him the way he wanted most, though he bloody wanted it. He just squeezed his hand, sinking his nails into his palm, to divert his mind from this fire. He should keep himself under control. He shouldn't let himself hold Martin's body, so fragile and so strong at the same time.
He was trembling now, crying and biting Martin's lip, though he didn't notice that, when Martin touched him there. He was caressing him more and more emphatically. Stroking and stroking and licking his neck. Dave bit his hand with his teeth, not to cry out his rapture too loud. It was becoming unbearable.
- Take me, - he whispered, fairly he didn't get his own this idea completely when he asked, - Mart, Ma-a-a-art, - he groaned feeling almost erotic sensation calling out his name, - Mart. Martin. Mart…
- Dave?
- Take me, Mart…oh, fuck…
He was embarrassed now, grinning over his own weakness, but Martin failed to see any humor in this situation.
- Mart…I can`t…when you look at me like that…stop it or I'll go crazy completely, - whispered Dave.
- I think….I probably… love you, - Martin was so very serious.
- Holy shit, Mart, I …
Martin didn't let him finish.
- I don't want to hurt you.
Dave exhaled; he remembered what they were talking about here. He tried not to laugh on the virtual absurdness of this situation.
- Look, Mart, - he grinned, - It would be not the first time, and not the last, God only knows how are you hurting me, so If I'd be you, I wouldn't bother that much.
Dave laughed and Martin didn't move a muscle. But his eyes flashed like a sun beam on a steel blade. He didn't say a word. He just did it. He took him. With maddening mechanical unyieldingness, with stubborn steel insistence, he didn't show Dave any impatience or any doubts and you'd better forget compassion at all. He did it with pure almost surgical precision, watching closely for Dave's reaction, a little bit outside of the process. Though it was better like this, because Dave believed that otherwise he couldn't do with him anything at all, because his body violently resisted his mate's invasion, and even his overexcited mind couldn't help it. Because Martin was right, IT fucking hurts. Dave nearly screamed, arching his back, but it was useless. His body was glistening with his sweat. Martin screwed up his eyes; it wasn't any easier to him either. He kissed Dave's knee, as if to thank him that he allowed him to do that. And then…he began to do what he should do.
Pain was disappearing now slowly, melting inside Dave's body. It became bearable at first, then more customary, then sweeter and more and more desired. Little by little he started to understand why people are so eager to do it. Excitement overwhelmed him with renewed strength, when he came to comprehension exactly WHAT has been done to him. And WHO was doing all that. He realized all weirdness and shamefulness, even humiliation of his pose now. He was ling on his back and allowing Martin to hold his thighs. But this thought has turned him on even more then ever possible. He stroked Martin's hands with his own because he felt he should thank him for all this somehow. Martin looked at him, lifted his face up, he was lost in ineffable pleasure, and it made Dave groan contentedly. He moved towards, he was moved by his growing need, and all his pleasure now was the things that Martin did for him. He was loosing his control, he was loosing his sense of reality, he almost lost his senses when Martin helped him to cross the pleasure borderline that allowed man to cross.
Dave screamed and woke up. He jumped off the bed, driven with the weird feeling that he should dash out from the hotel room, and rush ahead whenever Martin could be. He even grabbed the door-knob. Suddenly he came back to his senses. What exactly is he going to tell Martin? Now I remember? Now I fucking remember how it was the first time? He wouldn't need to see Martin to picture his expression if he'd tell him all this. Needless to say that Dave himself would look wicked in hotel corridors at three o'clock wearing only his underwear and searching for the Martin's door. Dave smiled bitterly to himself and leaned to the door with his back.
Oddly, he felt that he had slept enough. He decided to call his wife just to talk but then he decided that there is a small difference between local time and New-York's, so she's probably deep sleeping. He went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and scratched his chin, painfully deciding whereas to shave right now or in the morning. Then he shaved thoughtfully. He cut himself. Hissed, splashing his face with an aftershave, stuck a plaster to his cheek, put on the bathrobe and felt that he did his duty for today.
He went to the door again and froze. Suddenly he felt his heart thundering painfully in his temples. He didn't have a clue what happened, he knew it might be insanity once he decided that Martin is standing outside his door. He knew it couldn't be true. May be it was just his memories joking with him that bad. But he was sure that Martin's there. He felt that he was suffocating here in this room, in spite of the turned on full power, air-conditioner. He grabbed the door-knob once again, pushed it and darted out into the corridor.
It is clear, that there was nobody there. But the delusion was so strong, Dave stood there for several minutes, he was listening. It couldn't be just an illusion, he thought. It happened before. Well he could feel what happened to Martin even if he hasn't been near, and Martin told him once that he can feel it either. He read it somewhere that it's usually happening with twins. One of them always feels the other even if they are thousands of miles apart. This feeling was helping him to withstand those six months of silence between them. His arrogance wouldn't let him call first, and he probably would go crazy with anxiety.
The corridor was quiet. It couldn't just appear in his dream. He thought he could smell barely sensible perfume in the air. Not the perfume itself but how he could sense it when Martin was wearing it. This damn perfume on his skin, this velvet scent, piercing him down to his balls, and making him the real zombie for the rest of the day.
- Mart - he whispered to himself. It seems that it was a delusion actually. Dave was back in his room. He lit up a cigarette and went to the balcony.
The night was warm and dark. The street near the hotel was illuminated with a soft light of street lamps. Those street lamps were made in what meant to be Old European style, and there was a park near. It was quiet, if you could ignore chirring cicadas, forecasting that it will be a lot warmer day tomorrow. However, when Dave became American, he got interested in humidity a lot more then in temperature. Humidity was low so he could breathe and it felt right. Not the way like in New York City in the summer.
A light breeze rustled leaves and tousled his hair. This night reminded him of the other night.
***
They ran away from the after party near dawn, they were very excited about their obvious success. Martin rushed into the balcony, undoing the buttons of his shirt and joyfully yelling, probably his intention was to wake up Dave's neighbors to share his happiness.
- WATER! I need water - he cried to David.
Dave viciously quirked his eyebrow and took off his checkered jacket, he appeared on the balcony, holding the bottle and two glasses.
- No wa-a-a-ater, sorry. Champaign's fine?
- Sure - Martin said.
Dave opened the bottle with a terrible crash, splashing them both with Champaign, they laughed, and Dave's neighbor from the apartment above finally decided to tell them something not so polite.
- Hush! - Dave touched his lips with his index finger, - Silence.
They clinked glasses. They stood there, together, leaning their elbows to the hand-rail of the balcony. Dave's house seemed to be somewhere at the back of beyond. So they can`t see their town at all, but there was a big park converted into a forest.
- Nice view, - Martin said.
- The best view here will be at dawn, - Dave said. His shoulder was resting onto Martin's shoulder. He was so happy, he thought, he could die right now and won't be sorry. Martin finished his Champaign.
- If it was an offer - then I'd say yes, - then added, - but you will make a coffee, buddy.
- You are so pragmatic, Mart, where's your damn romanticism?
- Sorry? Where's…what? - Martin was playing the fool.
Dave suddenly kissed him near his earlobe. Martin shaved off his foam of hair from his temples; this way his hairdo became very punk-like. It made his perked ears look too unbearably touchy.
- It's nothing,… but I'm sure you'll love it, - Dave smirked, turned to Martin, bringing him closer, his eyes was sliding up and down from Martin's eyes to his lips and vice versa, - It's time to make amends.
- Oh, no… - Martin said. He licked his lips.
- Oh, yeah… - answered Dave.
He continued to press on Martin, he looked at him steadily, making Martin step back. He caught his shirt by the collar, bringing Martin closer more.
- Scared? - He whispered so hot near Martin's mouth.
- Mm-m-m…., oh, yeah… - answered Martin.
- Oh, no, - Dave moaned.
Dave pressed him to the balcony wall, pushing his hips into Martin's, making him feel his arousal and noted that his friend was aroused too. They both sighed. Dave was stroking Martin's body under his shirt. Dave smelled the scent of his skin, feeling that he`s loosing his mind quite literally. He laid his head between Martin's neck and shoulder, just breathing this scent; he now was confident that even if nothing would happen he found the ultimate reason to come. It was so fucking weird, but it seemed that he got used to it.
However, to see Martin in his room, in his bed, naked - that was too unreal and Dave had to pinch himself by the hand to see that it wasn't just a dream. Martin looked down; he seemed to be a little bit embarrassed. Embarrassed and aroused at the same time and this junction were giving his charm a license to kill. Dave jumped onto the bed, sinking his lips into Martin's cool skin still wet from the shower. He clutched the guy's head with both hands managing him to look into his eyes. Deep dark Dave's eyes were shining so bright in the room's half light, they can blind. Martin wanted to ask him about it but his lips motion provoked Dave, and he could just moan right into his mouth, making Dave's kisses became harder and more aggressive. Martin answered to his kisses, and this seemed just right for now.
Dave was stroking his hands, kissing his shoulders, following his hands with his mouth, and inversely, following his mouth with his hands. He sank his teeth into Martin's neck, sliding his hand down to caress his dick. Martin shrugged under him.
- Hush, little one, - he slid with his mouth to his hand, moving down from Martin's navel and down, - Oh, no…, - his fingers closed around Martin's dick, he touched it with his lips, - not little…at all, - he kissed the very tip, - that was good that I didn't look at him…that time…you know… I'd died for sure.
They happily laughed. But Dave wasn't in the mood to give Martin a big break, he began to suck him. Loss of attention for his own manhood became too much for him and he took him into his hand started to jerk it off in time with his manipulations with Martin's. Thus it brings some sort of completeness to his job. His caresses became greedier, he couldn't stop them now and he thought that the meaning of his existence now was concentrating at the point where his mouth came in contact with velvet tenderness of Martin's flesh. The tiniest part of his mind that still remembered who he was, insisted that it shouldn't be like that, that his mouth was the erogenous zone that couldn't make him come just from this blowjob, but his impudent trembling cock said that it fucking could. He moved away just in time to not choke on Martin's sperm, moaned as he felt that his own sperm spattered his sheets.
He didn't expect that Martin would turn him on his back, and his mouth would be on him. Dave tried to say that he didn't need it anymore, but then he felt that probably he was wrong with that matter. Movements of his hot wet tongue brought life to his softened dick a lot faster than he could predict. He warned Martin that it is a risk for him to continue his doings just like that, but Martin told him that his dick hardly would be the thing that he'd be frightened of.
Dave howled and pushed him off, bringing Martin to his hands and knees right in front of him. He announced that his romanticism is over now, Martin moved towards, and answered that it is fucking right time. Dave didn't say a word, just took him right away. He took him as he wanted it. He took him as he loved it. He felt that that was what Martin needed right now with his every move. When later he remembered all their encounters he was always amazed that he never needed to think how to do something or what exactly he had to do. He just did what his overexcited mind told him to do, but surprisingly THAT was exactly what they both needed most.
- Ah-h….I'm fucking done, - said Dave falling down across his bed, he tried to recover his breath. The sky turns grey and it'll soon be dawn. Martin smoked, pulling the blanket higher to his chest, he didn't say a word. Dave's idea about the after-fucking talk obviously didn't impress him much.
- C'mon, Martin…It was just sex. - Dave said, he wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement. He laughed softly to himself because of that unbelievable avalanche of uncontrollable erotic sensations that was filling him now from common things he wasn't aware of. He was sure that those things are absolutely innocent, but in fact a light kiss or a simple touch detonated neurons inside his central neurotic system. Virtually Martin was going to say something, but changed his mind.
- Friendship….I think, - said David. Martin's face was a little bit upset, or may be just appeared upset; Dave never could read it right.
- I wouldn't call us….friends, - Martin said. His voice suddenly showed some steel.
Dave was offended, he poutted his lips, but then decided that Martin is right.
- Well….you know…it's kind-a….we are men both, - he insisted, - you know?
- Oh, stop Dave, please shut up, - Martin clenched his teeth, - for I fucking hate it…
- Whassup? - Dave asked - Something's wrong? - He grinned - There was so many of them, who were telling you this shit? Huh? Right?
Martin killed a cigarette in the ashtray with visible detestation.
- Good night, David, - icily he said and turned off the light.
Dave bumped a pillow with his head and crossed his hands on his bare chest. He was staring at the ceiling but he just couldn't stay silent anymore.
- Listen, Mart. Wasn't THAT why Vince left?
Dave moved closer to Martin's back and embraced him.
- What is THAT? - mumbled Martin right into his pillow, he didn't bother to turn to Dave.
- It is hard to explain, - Dave thoughtfully touched Martin's nipple, - THAT is that, - he clutched it with his fingers, - because of THAT.
- There was nothing between me and Vince, - said Martin pushing Dave's hand off.
- What about Sir Andrew? - Dave licked his two fingers and placed them back where they've been before. Martin hissed from their wet insistent touch.
- Sir Andrew neither. Dave keep your hands off me, I hate it when somebody is touching me.
- Aye…I noticed. And when exactly it had been started? - Dave snickered and climbed up into the top of Martin, lying on him like guy was a mattress, - Be still. Do not move Martin. Because when you resist me it fucking turns me fucking on. You know, when you do, I become unhealthy aroused I'm even scared of myself. So, there was nothing. I understood, I'm not a fool. There was nothing. Nothing. There was. And with Alan too. Hey I always wondered how it was between you and Alan, huh? Listen, especially that time with handcuffs? He bound you and fucked you senseless, m-m-m? Handcuffs are cool? I'd like to see it, yeah…, heh-heh-heh. Oh, my, who could ever imagine, our sweet-charming-diplomat-good-fellow-Alan would be a sadist. Huh…I knew that, I fucking knew that.
- Dave, Get off me. Be gone. - Martin tried to push him aside, virtually, Dave's words infuriated him, but his movements produced another result.
Dave held him tighter now.
- I can`t, it's too late, - in time when Dave moved a blanket off Martin, he was completely hard, as if nothing had happened yet today, - Sorry, Martin, too late. He`s a good shag, isn't he?
Dave pushed Martins hips apart, clutched his own cock and stroked Martin in the area where he`s probably gonna be soon. Then up and down his scrotum, Martin twitched again but this time, questionably to meet Dave's movements.
- Dave I don't want to, - he said, - Well, he`s ok.
- Oh….yeah…I can feel it, - Dave grinned, making Martin smile with his husky voice, - What do you mean he`s ok? Was he shagging you good? Wholly Sa-tis-fac-to-ry?
He continued to push himself inside his mate, squeezing his hips with both hands, he wouldn't let it to be so fast by Martin's will. But this pace was too hard to bear.
- Yeah, right, - Martin breathed out, - satisfactory.
- Feel me.
- Dave…
- Listen to me, - he whispered through he clenched teeth, - Is Alan's big? Huh? Bigger then mine?
- Fuck you, - pretty emotionally said Martin.
- Oh yeah sure….no, tell me, mine's bigger?
- Like…you…have…no…idea, - forced to pause in time with the quickening rhythm of Dave's motions inside him, said Martin.
- Tell me, - said Dave with ragged breath, - Which one you like better? His or Mine?
- Yours…
- One more time.
- Yours.
- More, Martin….more…holy God, fucking…more.
***
Berlin's studio was bigger, probably more official and more hostile, it would be better to say much more creative. Berlin amazed them with it's own weird spirit, on the verge of freedom and dictatorship, ingrown ill health, bleeding break up, right in the middle of the city. The city that was one before, but was sliced alive, in two halves, that now learned how to survive and how to feel some kinky masochistic enjoinment from its existence.
Daniel laughed that right here, their natural born English Angst mixed with Underground Decadence of the fatally ill city and were disciplined by the Phantom of Totalitarianism. It was some black celebration from his point of view. So it was. The Black Celebration. Daniel asked Alan about the last song.
- What did Martin say?
- He said, literally as follows, - Alan bit his little finger thoughtfully, - He thinks he probably likes it.
- Arsenal Syndrome? - Daniel snickered.
- What is «Arsenal Syndrome»?
- Once upon a time, you weren't with us yet, we discussed football teams. Martin said that he thinks that he`s probably a fan of Arsenal. I've asked him, Mart, what do you mean «probably»? He told me that actually he doesn't like Arsenal much, but he had to go to their matches every Saturday with his friend's father, for five years. He believed that it wasn't right to tell him that he doesn't like Arsenal at all, that's why he just continued to go and in time, somehow he get used to them.
Alan smirked.
- The friend is Fletch?
- No idea, - Miller told, - All in all, now we've got our expression «Arsenal Syndrome».
- Motherfucker…Fletch is the only one who can communicate with him and understand what he could mean. Although Fletch is a big motherfucker also.
- Remember, Alan, Fletch`s priceless, - Miller lifted up his index finger, - Try to imagine, what Martin would do in the studio if not making Andy crazy, by hiding his glasses. Otherwise he wouldn't go into the studio at all.
- Don't tell me…. - Alan said, - sometimes I feel myself in the lunatic asylum. Especially, when Dave joined them in their childish learning games for the age of three and under.
Alan frowned, because Martin and Dave came into the studio.
- Hey, - said Martin. Dave kept mum; he just set down on the couch near Martin, shoulder to shoulder, he looked like he was somewhere outside this room. Alan hid his smirk with his hand and turned away from him. At this moment Andy opened the door and came in, he was anxious.
- Hum…has anybody seen my glasses?
Alan handed him the eyeglass case. Martin and Dave laughed.
- You forgot it, Andy.
- I need your attention, gentlemen, - finally said Daniel, - for I have you here to celebrate something.
He told them that he was in national top-40, although forties but anyway. Alan and Andy opened the bottle of Champaign.
- Fellas, I just want to congratulate you for that. I never promised you a lot of money, actually I even never promised you to sign a contract, but it is a big deal, a break through. For your success! Cheers!
They drank, suddenly Martin asked:
- Do we really have to give up our day jobs for that?
***
In spite of Martin's skepticism, it seemed worth it. New single moved it's way up to the top ten, fans watching for them near the studio entries, they were sitting near the doors and when guys went out they kept asking them, what it was? Is there a new single or new album?
Christine, Martin's friend from his childhood, black haired German girl was introduced to them as his official girlfriend. Dave shrugged his shoulders; she seemed mannish for him and not good-looking at all. But he believed that her stolidity and discipline would be just for Martin's own good. They were communicating on the strange mixture of English and German. It looked like Martin could speak German pretty well, but in some nuances of personal relationships he was weak even in his native language, let alone German. Alan usually called it the Programming Error in Understanding Other People's Feelings in Martin's brains firmware. So Christine had to learn English far better.
Everything seemed to be ok. The band realized too late, the price was Martin with his new image. Sick Berlin atmosphere, the feeling of the glam-rock legends closeness penetrated his receptive mind. Very soon they just couldn't recognize him anymore. Good boy in glasses that they knew before was gone, and he decided to be someone else. He told them that he feels sick from social and gender stereotypes, and men's clothes can`t express his Weltanschauung completely. Soon the band knew Christine's extreme wardrobe very well. The band told Martin.
- Martin, that's enough… maybe you better fucking stop it?
But Martin didn't give a shit.
It was probably a paradox, but as he changed his image to almost transvestite's he became an object of the girls' desire. Every guy from the band attracted a lot of attention of the opposite sex so far. But what was going on around Martin was real insanity. The girls of sixteen followed him around. They tried to look like him, to talk like him, to walk like and to act like him. They went crazy about him. They wrote him tons of love letters, they were hanging around him, they were fighting with each other because of him and they literally jumped out of their clothes at the sight of him.
They tried to attract his attention with suicidal attempts. They played with him like he was a doll, but they wanted him like a man. At the same time they expected him to comprehend them as teenage girl their coeval, would.
He never was popular at school. He never was self confident at that point. He doubted that girls at school even knew that he existed. His communications started and ended up at Andy's doors. Consequently, he almost went crazy with happiness from the amount of chicks' attention. Dave was mad and jealous, but he understood it pretty well and he tried to get used to it. Alan tried to help him. Dave was impressed of his ethics, though deep inside him he was aware that Alan was just celebrating his malicious joy that Martin acted with Dave exactly the same way as with him before.
It was hard to tell why exactly he was so mad at Martin. That wasn't the girls' fault that's for sure. No that was another reason. The reason was a more complicated one. He was mad at him for what he saw as a betrayal. For his indifference and for his coldness. It seemed that as far as Martin felt that Dave belonged to him he lost all his interest for the game, but however he couldn't let Dave get off his strings. Dave kept telling himself; it was just lust, or debauchery, just a drunken sex, who would object, huh? Tell me that it was a mistake, lets us stay friends, for that's ok for me. Ok. Yes. It won't be easy, Dave thought, because he felt himself unhealthily turned on every time he was beside him. But he thought he could hang on. Anyway it could be much better that it is now. When he was near, so polite and blameless, they talked they laughed but there was a glass wall between them.
He felt this wall and didn't know what to do with it.
So he was mad and he swore to leave the band as soon as new album would be done. He will never hear a single word from him. They will record this album and that's all done. He will go away. By putting one foot in front of the other. Yeapp.
His WORDS were the hardest. His lyrics. Dave knew, Martin's every word will bleed inside them both. Yeah, he felt him much better now. Usually Martin couldn't express what he meant in ordinary life. His sphinx's gaze was unreadable. He talked about the relationships only in general like it didn't bother him at all. He was changing completely in his songs so it seems that those songs were written by another person. Damn these words. His every word was so sincere and so honest, it seemed surreal. It was some painful mental exhibitionism; he opened up everything he ever can so methodically and cynically it must been hurt, but he didn't fear this he even found it funny at some point.
Dave was aware of new demos. But there was a hope also. He was afraid of their sincerity. He knew he would get all his answers soon. Let's see what you'd tell me and then I will decide, he thought.
Meanwhile Martin's lost.
Nobody has seen him, nobody knew where he could be, in a foreign city and in foreign country. Miller wanted to wake up all the police. They asked half hundred of Martin's chicks where the fuck he could be, they asked Christine, she indifferently gazed at the bunch of crying girls under the window, but she has no idea. They went mad, they called hospitals and morgues, and they went insane. The week was over and Martin was back. He was contented and tanned, bright and sunny, unshaven and with the reek of the alcohol and hay. He explained that once he was in Germany when he was a kid; there were his school friends in some village, and he suddenly decided to visit them. But-and-ben, they drank for the welcome and for health, all in all they refused to let him go.
Miller and Wilder providently covered Martin from Dave, laughing loudly that it's their good fortune that he grasped it all sooner then in case with fucking Arsenal, otherwise they could loose a lot of money. Dave took offence candidly. He tried to deliver his point of view to Martin lately. He told him that he must be a geek or the rare sort of bastard, who absolutely doesn't give a shit about people around.
- Why are you screaming at me, Dave? - He asked reminding him of the wounded little deer Bamby from Disney's cartoon.
- You haven't got a clue. - tiredly said Dave, - You. Haven't got. A clue.
He tried to deliver the thought that he nearly died here without him, that he was worried and he was anxious. He was ready to check every house in Berlin by himself.
- But I wasn't in Berlin, - sadly announced Martin.
Dave's patience was violently tried. He hit Martin in the face with his fist and left. Martin didn't hit him back but went into a condition that should be called The Universal Offence. He was making Dave crazy with that. Dave decided that he will never say a word to Martin Gore anymore, or he wouldn't be David Gahan. In the end, they are damn grown up people, they are twenty years old!
He'll keep his word. He will.
The next day Martin was crying on his shoulder. He was dead drunk he came to Dave's place and stood there, in the hall. He was clutching the wall with his both hands. Every time, when he was trying to get one hand off the wall he kept falling down to the floor. It was unbelievable how he could cross Berlin in such a wicked condition, and he didn't get arrested. Dave dragged him inside his apartment and onto the couch. Martin buried his head on his shoulder, he was whispering that he can`t live without him, that he aware that he could start to depend on him, but the thought that he won't be needed anymore was scared him most. Dave was stroking his back and shoulders, he felt that it's just Martin's alcoholic psychosis, but that he couldn't resist the temptation and kept soothing this fucking drunk little kitty with his hands and his lips.
He kissed his cheeks, wet and salty, caressing his lips with his fingers. Martin was trembling in his embrace; he was panting and moaning under Dave's petting. He seemed to stop worrying at all, just getting his pleasure from their closeness and Dave's tenderness. In spite of his caresses becoming more and more urgent he believed he should do nothing with Martin for so many reasons. The main reason was that he doubted if Martin could be hard in such condition, but rape in any form wasn't in his life plans for another sixty years for sure. But he had to admit he was already too fucking horny to stop.
He still had his doubts, if it is the correct form of the romantic reconciliation, to rape his fucking drunken dumb fellow, in time when he was undoing his pants. His friend decided what he needs from him first. Martin slid down with surprising dexterity and stood right between Dave knees, dragging Dave's jeans down his hips to the boots. Dave cursed astonishingly, but what the fuck could do with him, huh?
Martin sucked him, licked him, kissed his wide spread thighs and knees. Dave groaned from rapture and pushing his hips up, making the touch more aloud. His skin in the inner sides of his hips was burning, cool sweet kisses brings only one second long relief, bringing the fire to its life so very soon. Dave stilled his dick with his hand, made Martin open his mouth and slapped his cock on his lips several times, they both were panting from the arousal now. Fuck it, they were gowning up with the same porno movies. When this mouth found himself on him once again, Dave forced himself to push Martin off him to let it linger.
Dave was shagging him hard although too cynical even for his own liking. He laid him on his back on the couch, clutching both his legs with the one hand. Then he fucked him in two or three more positions that were coming into his mind, Martin didn't object much but he strictly resisted to do anything in doggy style. Dave didn't insist, even if it seemed a little bit strange. Dave's fierce attacks strengthened with every second, he was talking something, relatively to Mart, something bad and something dirty, but it didn't matter to Martin it was just because of the process. He can hardly see an intelligent person before him right now, he didn't feel himself either. All the world truth concentrated in his aching cock.
- Fuck….you…turn…shit, c'mon…move it, yeah, you help me till I'm fucking you, …you love it, you fucking whore, you want it, you want me to do it every time…
He was desperately thrusting himself into his mate, clenching his teeth, letting his passion his love his hate and his madness get loose. He grasped Martin's thighs, obviously bruising them. He wanted him to feel his desperation, he wanted to hurt him. He wanted to make him groan. He howled, because this intense pleasure became unbearable at once. When it all was over he felt gracious to his neighbors that they didn't call the police for all the screams.
Bright sun beam touched his face, woke him up immediately, Dave tried to hide from the sun and cover his head with the blanket. The blanket was resisting him. Dave opened his eyes, yawned and saw Martin. Martin was lying on his belly and gazing on his hands. There was a slight bewilderment in his face. His palms were heavily injured.
- What the fuck is that? - Dave asked.
- I'm glad to see you too, Dave - answered Martin.
- No, I mean you hands. What happened?
- What happened with my hands? - asked Martin. He examined his hands thoughtfully, and then blood stains on the pillow and the sheets, - Dunno. Uh…um…I think, it's probably… Alexanderplatz.
- Alexanderplatz?
- Asphalt…there…under the globe clock on the square, near the railway station… It`s there very rough…like an emery.
- Asphalt's rough…a-ye…right…understood, so why the fuck were you creeping there, Mart?
- I-I-I wasn't…creeping I moved at your direction. I decided it was very important to go to you. But it wasn't worked out right. Mainly I had to crawl … well I believe I crossed Alexanderplatz.
- Oh, lord, why? ...Why are you punishing me like THAT? - Theatrically moaned Dave, - First aid kit is in the bathroom. Doctors wouldn't help you with your head anyway. Breakfast maybe?
- No. Why bother? - Martin asked gloomily, his head fell onto the pillow, - I'll die anyway.
- Shit, - hissed David and stood up.
Lately Martin appeared in the kitchen wearing only a bath towel. His palms were plastered, and he made himself more human, standing under the cold shower for a half of an hour. Bluish shade of his skin gone, but still he was extremely sad. Dave was crunching his toast with a ham, he stood up, when he saw Martin, opened his fridge and handed him cool beer bottle.
- How about some beer, you evil fiend?
Martin held the bottle and took a sip. His face lit for a second then darkened again.
- Look… h-how should I jerk off from now on, huh? - He asked, making Dave laugh so hard, he almost fell down near the fridge, and then he laughed too.
Here is the house
When it`s all happened
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul comes together
As we come closer together
Here is the house
With or without words
I`ll confide everything ** Here is the house by M.L. Gore
They were in the plane on their way to Santa Barbara, to Martin's studio where they decided to start a new record. Dave told them about Jack.
- You know,…so he kind-a ask me, dad, why do you wear an earring in your ass?
Martin laughed so hard, tears were swelling on his eyes. Fletch asked the stewardess to bring him some water.
- You explained him, didn't you? - wiping tears off asked Martin.
- The fuck I did, - Dave answered with the hint of desperation in his voice, - It was hell easier to remove it, so he wouldn't ask me…again.
They all snickered again.
- Such an inquisitive young man… - Fletch took a sip of water.
- Aye,…he`s so eager for knowledge… - said Dave, - he`s a fast learner in everything that he shouldn't know, so far, what he should know he hasn't any interest at all. There's nothing I can do with him. He fucking left his college. I told him, Jack, what the fuck? Your father is suffering all his life that he left his school; you want to be such dunderhead too? So he told me in answer, I don't give a shit, you are making your records and feeling just fine and you are not needy. What do you want from me? You want me to put some accounts from one table to another and working hard like that till I get piles? Let the others be learnt to do things that. Someone who is cleverer and more talented then me. I want to make music too.
- Why can`t you make him complete his education…you are his father, - Andrew said.
- This stallion is eighteen years old, he`s old and wise and no one can tell him what to do. Can`t you remember yourself when you were eighteen? You thought that you are the cleverest man in the world, just like him, though that was my impression when I first saw you, Andy.
Andy quirked his eyebrow.
- Jack is eighteen, you don't say so… - Martin said thoughtfully.
- Oh, c'mon Martin, how old is your eldest one? Fifteen? - Dave grinned, - She gonna be a bride soon, man. Does someone courting her? Or maybe her heart belongs to this English bastard Harry Potter? My little girl adored him, I can`t see him anymore, no. When I am going to my bathroom, wanting to be alone for some time what can I see there? A poster with Harry Potter.
Martin rubbed the back of his neck.
- Actually, we are going to be Britney Spears…
- Oh, no, - Dave said, - Viva Lee Gore?
- That was exactly what I've said, - told Martin, he rubbed his eyes, blinked, the air in the plane was too dry, he put on his sunglasses, - you know…but…but…well…she's hot…
- Who?
- She is…from our bathroom's poster…
Dave and Andy laughed again, wondering if this was Martin himself who could put the poster onto his bathroom wall. Also they were wondering why he could do that. Martin pictured some kind of false embarrassment with his face.
- Jack surprised me, - Dave changed the topic - He`s collecting old Rolling Stones and the Doors and all that stuff, he likes them. You know he seems to know them better then me.
- Uh…well…and I have all Britney's records, - said Martin.
They were laughing again.
- I hope I'll have a chance to see your kids.
- I hope so either, - Martin nodded.
- How long are you living separately from Susanne?
- Officially, we are living together though you are not interested in that shit. Some years maybe less maybe more.
- Maybe less maybe more, - Dave repeated.
- We are going through divorce now, for about three months or so, as far as Californian laws exist we are at the very beginning.
- Dividing your property, earned with your hard mutual work? You had time to earn so much, you dodger?
Martin grinned.
- I don't need anything. I just want to see my children. My lawyer told me that it's not THAT simple.
- Why did you decide to do that after all? I can`t comprehend. What of it! You are two grownups, she's got her life and you've got yours. I see you are not disturbing each other. You have three children.
- I didn't want to.
- C'mon, Mart, - said Dave, - she left you for the younger lover, huh? I've heard it was you who messing with some Turkish chick. True, it is your genuine style, chuck, you were drunk once you spilled that your new girlfriend is a Muslim.
Martin was staring aside, his look was showing to everybody that this topical talk is over. Dave kicked his side with his elbow, not agreeing with his decision and kept kicking him with his elbow until Martin was tired to the point that he began to kick him back.
- Hey, Mart, or maybe…it is his fault - Dave poked his head, looking back if to be sure that no one is listening, - This thick-lipped monster with the brains of New Zealand's aborigine Gordeno? I knew that something's wrong with him, he staring at you with such obscenity all the time…Mart, shit, MART, fuck you, MART! Stop it! For God's Sake! Stop strangling me, huh? Don't leave my family without their bread-winner.
Martin straightened up in his chair, he remained serious.
- I am feeling like a fool. You know it seems like I betrayed her, betrayed my own children betrayed their trust and their love. And at the same time she's staying with the family, and I'm just not needed anymore. I just feel that I am a complete looser. I've just been left somewhere in this life.
- No one would ever leave you, - said Dave, - never. That is out of question.
- Dear God, how could I live without your teachings for so long, David, huh?
- That's what I should have asked YOU, Martin, how could you live without my teachings for so long? - Dave raised his voice, - Although you are never answering my questions. I had to develop supernatural powers in me just to talk to you. Listen, Mart, don't you understand that you are strange?
- Strange? Me? - asked Martin.
- A-ha, - said Dave.
- And why's that?
- The fuck I know. You are thinking one thing, you are telling the other thing you are doing things that aren't connected to the previous two. It astonishes how it all logically bound in your inner world and it's all lying across other people's way of behavior.
- Which people?
- Doesn't matter….those people, these people, they are living here right near you and you have to cooperate with them sometimes.
- Ah…those… - Martin told with disappointment in his voice, he put a smile on Dave's face.
- Ma-a-a-a-art, - he sang, - Mart. You are something that should be learned with the map, what kind of fellow are you. You should be explored, examined carefully, you every molecule, and then someone would put together all the small contradictories in you, and, all in all, see the whole picture. It would be so satisfactorily to see you as you are just to comprehend at the exact moment that one was fucking done by you and all is not what it seems. It was just another illusion. One was easily deceived and fucking loose in your favorite game. You let someone see just the things you wanted him to see. So one should start his investigation once again. But life is not enough and no one can live the second life. I don't know, if you think that's normal, then we are around you have a risk to go crazy very soon.
Martin looked at him. There was hidden interest in his eyes. Dave's challenge attracted his attention immediately. He said to him:
- What exactly do you want from me, Dave?
Dave had perfect confidence that he meant «We gonna talk later». Yeah, later is ok, Mart. - he was sure if he answered Martin like that he wouldn't be surprised at all. Dave looked at Fletch, Fletch were gazing at him intently. So confident and so calm, he reminded him of some Guardian Angel, he was ready to grind into dust anyone who would make an attempt to encroach on Martin. Dave decided to change the topic.
- That's what friends are for - Dave put his hand on Martins shoulder, - they always eager to help you and be near when you need it and when you don't need it at all.
Martin forced a smile.
- Hey, - Dave moaned, - Don't make me feel like a fool, tell me something.
- Sorry, - Martin told, - I am sorry Dave. You would believe me but I have nothing to say. I've heard some good news, anyway. I've got lost in them.
The stewardess brings them their coffee; Fletch added some sugar and got pillows from his pocket.
- Deja vu, - Andy said, - I feel now like I've already seen it before. Did you ever get this feeling?
- Probably…yes.
- Yeah, but it wasn't the most frightening thing that ever happened to me, - Dave said, - Did I tell you what happened yesterday?
- Not yet, - said Fletch, drinking his hot and flavored coffee.
- I had a dream. I don't know, if it was a dream or hallucination or delusion, name it as you like. I felt somebody standing outside my door. One person. No, that's true. I woke up; I get off my bed and darted out from the hotel room. I stood there for five minutes or maybe more, I couldn't believe that it was just a dream. So, I returned to my room. But I can`t forget this feeling. Just can`t.
- Oh…shit, Dave, you are hell of a fibber - said Fletch.
- Which person? - Barely audibly asked Martin. Dave looked at him feeling his hear was biting faster.
- My friend, - he answered, - an old friend. Close friend. Very close friend.
Martin didn't move.
- When I comprehend that he wasn't there I was ready to burst out with tears, I was so sure that he was, - Dave hemmed, - Hey, Mart you, fucker, are you sleeping there or what?
He leaned to Martin, took off his sunglasses, then he saw that his eyes was closed and put them on again. But something attracted his attention. He buried his nose on Martin's neck and loudly inhaled. It was that scent that he smelled in the corridor and because of that he decided not to call a doctor.
- What's that? - He asked.
- «Angel»
- Angel, - Dave smirked, - fuck yes. There must be an Angel
Plane radio started to play the song from Black Celebration.
It`s easy to slip away
And believe it all *** It doesn't matter by M.L. Gore
- What the fuck, its Depeche Mode again… - said Martin.
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