18.

By the time she closed her main door, she couldn’t see from her tears. It was a mistake to hope that things will be in a different way. They let her down. They threw her out like she was a used rag. And now she’s alone again – with an huge problem. What should she do? Should she really kill it? Would she solve the problem with it and get her old life back? No. She will never get that back. She collapsed in front of the door and sobbed unstoppably.

It was true that doing the abortion would be the best choice, but for now she couldn’t decide. She felt that she will need a few days to decide that. And next to this the most painful thing was that Martin let her walk out of his life this easily – without saying a word! Didn’t he love her then? Was he such a great actor? He needed her just while he could have his fun with her? With her – with a naïve little 20 years old chick, whom he could fuck even if it was against the law? Were these beautiful few months a lie? Haven’t she suffered enough yet? Does she really have to fall on her face from higher and higher every time?

---

Dave was exhausted as he walked into his apartment. Luckily he was alone. Probably Jen wouldn’t be happy with a rough rejection from her husband. He threw himself into one of the armchairs, rested his head on its back and his thoughts were just running and running in his head. He didn’t want to treat the girl like that, but he couldn’t afford the luxury to take her side. He just couldn’t. Because of his name and the band. A lot of people think that he, Dave Gahan, can do anything he wants. But they were wrong – the thing he mostly wanted, he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t get into his car and drive to Anita’s place to comfort her. He couldn’t tell her that he was very happy about the baby and that he’d like her to give birth to it and raise it together. Together, all three of them. In their triangle where each of them found their inner peace and acceptance. But instead of this now he had to stay in his flat and he couldn’t move from his marriage, he couldn’t go after Anita, he couldn’t say anything to her. He had to let go of the last months, of the past with Anita, the baby, and… yes, of Mart too. Never again.

---

Martin couldn’t find his place although days have passed since. Kessy and the others gave up on him. Earlier they tried to drag him out of his own thoughts when they were on some meetings. Soon they recognized that Martin is useless. But no one could make him tell what his problem was. Because everyone could see that he’s totally broken. That afternoon’s happenings replayed in his head over and over again and he overanalyzed the circumstances, trying to find the best solution, but he always ended up with the same result: the abortion and saying goodbye. And even if they wouldn’t have to say goodbye, he wasn’t sure that Anita’d talk to him ever again after asking her to kill their baby.

Mart just floated with the day. He didn’t know how he got back to his hotel room. Dave didn’t talk to him too much either. He knew that nothing’ll be the same ever again. He knew that the singer’ll close up himself and saw that all three of them were sentenced to lonely suffering. He slowly went insane from the tension and from the lack of information. He took his coat, but instead of going to a cheap bar to drink himself unconscious, after an hour he knocked on a well-known door. He hoped that she’ll let him in.

Anita was unconscious on the bed. Empty pill bottles were lying around her. She couldn’t bear the pain. She didn’t do the abortion yet, but it didn’t really matter anymore. She didn’t want to commit suicide, she just wanted to forget. She didn’t hear Martin’s knocking.

When he didn’t get an answer for the umpteen knocking, he strained against the door. He couldn’t be sure that she was at home, but the pile of letters under the door gave him the hint that she has been in the flat for days. He was very afraid that she did something stupid, so with a few tries he kicked the door in. He searched the flat with a worried expression and for a moment his blood froze in his veins when he spotted the dead pale curled-up woman with the empty packs around her. He ran to her immediately and he couldn’t recall how he had his cell already in his hand, but he dialed 911 right away. Then he took her in his arms and checked her pulse. Luckily the worst thing didn’t happen yet. It was weak, but palpable.

“Oh my god, what have we done?” he moaned into the silence of the room.

---

Anita came round slowly. She saw the white ceiling. She tried to swallow, but her throat hurt very badly. Although she didn’t know, a gastric lavage saved her life. She tried to speak, but just some whining left her lips. She felt another warm hand on hers. With much difficulty she turned her head to the side.

It was Martin sitting there with stubbles and a careworn expression, watching the pale girl with worry. He didn’t say a word, but his eyes were telltale – and wet.

“M…Mart?” Anita coughed.

“No, don’t speak” he whispered “They washed out your stomach, this is why you cannot talk.”

“The… the baby…”

“It’s alive…” he glimpsed down at her hand that he was holding between his own “But nothing’s sure yet.”

“I… I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have done this…” she started, but her words ended up in coughing.

“Shhh…” he gently put his hand on her shoulder then reached for a plastic cup to carefully give her some water.

She gulped slowly and gratefully then when Mart helped her to lay back she asked “Dave?”

Mart didn’t answer right away and when he did, he avoided eye-contact. He looked up just at the end. “I told him, but… he had no time to come.”

“No… no time… to come?!” she panted.

Martin stayed silent and just shook his head “I’m sorry.”

Anita tired to hold her tears back. So she had really lost the singer for good…

“Please… Anita answer my question…” he stroked her hand gently “Did you try to kill yourselves?”

“Why do you care? You have… already killed the baby!”

Suddenly Mart found swallowing difficult “You’re right…” he whispered and broke under the weight of accusing himself.

She just watched him accusingly “Why are you here? Why did you come… to me? What do you want from me?!” she hissed at the end.

“I miss you” he whispered through the lump in his throat.

“But you don’t want the baby…” she answered coldly.

“Oh god, Anita…” his voice failed him “You cannot imagine… how happy I’d be, if… if we were in different circumstances.”

“The circumstances… But you, the famous and rich Martin Gore… cannot afford such a shame, right?!”

“I don’t give a shit to that, Anita!” he looked up with red eyes “But it’s not just about me, but about a lot of other people! The band isn’t just the three of us – it means hundreds of other people and then I didn’t even mention our families and jail…”

“Sure. I understand…” she turned her head towards the window.

“I know that you don’t and I don’t blame you for that” Martin sighed then used his most gentle tone as he said “But maybe you can see too that this is the best solution for all of us…”

“No…” she turned back “This is the most comfortable solution for you two! You left me there alone with a baby and you wouldn’t want to take responsibility for that! You’re cowards and spineless!”

“Yes, we are” he gave up “I guess you don’t see any chance for us to go on after this… If you hate me this much.”

“You’d go on? And why?”

“Because I love you… I cannot stop thinking of you. I’m always thinking about this situation, hoping to find a better solution, but I can’t. Anita, you’ll ruin your life with this baby as well” he whispered at the end.

“And if it happens again? I took my pills, Martin! If I get pregnant again, you’ll send me to an abortion again?”

“No. We’d be more careful. I’d wear condoms, or dunno. And by the way a baby is only dangerous until you turn major.”

“Thank you for worrying Martin, but you go to fucking hell! You’d keep me for fun, like an object, but you don’t take responsibility! Get out! Go to hell!”

“Anita, I didn’t…” he began, but she didn’t let him finish.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get rid off the proof that could ruin you or Dave, who was such a spineless bastard that he didn’t even dare to come here” she took a deep breath “I don’t want to see you ever again. Understood?” she whispered.

Martin bent his head and let her hand go “Understood. And… I’m so very sorry” he stood up “I didn’t want it like this… Good bye, Anita, I respect your decision…” he looked at her one more time with huge pain in his heart then with sunken shoulders and a heavy heart he left her alone.

Anita just stared at the ceiling and in her anger he silently hit the mattress a few times, while her tears were running down her face unstoppably. If it wouldn’t hurt that much…

---

After a few days Anita was released from the hospital. The doctor said that because she was brought in soon, it wasn’t likely that the meds did any damage to the baby. Anita listened to him without any emotions. It didn’t matter anymore. She stopped the doctor and went to her gynecologist to sign herself up for the abortion, although her heart broke every time she thought of it. So she tried not to think too much about it. She tried to suppress the thought that she was about to kill a human being because of these two… she couldn’t even find a word for the boys. They not just broke her, but they even wanted to make her a killer. Well, she’ll give them what they want for one last time then she returns to her grey little life. She hoped that she’ll survive this whole thing, although there were minutes, hours and even days when nothing interested her. She was just stroking Ash’s soft fur laying on the bed and listened to her purring. She was the only being on this world who’s never let her down, who never caused her pain. It wasn’t a coincidence that she loved animals more than humans. They were much simple and pure. They didn’t make her life bitter. She promised to herself that if this whole thing’ll be over, she’ll never fall in love again, even if this meant staying alone for the rest of her life.

Because she tried to busy herself with all kinds of things – mostly with learning – the feared day has arrived soon. She had to leave for the clinic. She didn’t tell the boys when she will go, because it was meaningless. Dave was crystal clear – he wasn’t interested in them and the fact that he didn’t came into the hospital proved this… because “he had no time”, and Mart hurt her deeply. Maybe he should have let her die from the overdose. Maybe that way he could have spared her from those daggers which he twisted in her bleeding heart again and again during their last conversation.

She already changed into the hospital gown and waited for the assistant to call her into the other room where the surgery will take place. She was fighting with her tears when she imagined how different things could have been, if the boys or just Martin had seen things from a different angle. If she could give birth to the baby and they could raise it together – watching its first steps, listening to its first words… She mused about the sex of the baby and tried to guess its father and whom it’d have resembled after a while…
The arrival of the assistant pulled her back to reality. The short blond woman asked her quietly to follow her and she did, wiping away a teardrop. She entered the room and looked around. Ice-cold horror crept up on her spine when she saw the prepared table and the tools. Was this really the way she wanted to become a killer? That’s it? She hesitated. How would she be able to get square with herself ever again? She swallowed hard and took a step towards the doctor. She didn’t even hear his reassuring words. How would she be able to look into the mirror after this? And after all… why should she do this sacrifice for the guys? She doesn’t owe them anything now! They’ve left her, they gave up on her and the baby. She could tell them that she did the abortion and she could live her own life. After this she won’t meet them ever again, anyway… Maybe she could figure out things. She could take more jobs and would work until she was able before the labor… And she could finish the university on a correspondence course. Even if she would have to starve at the beginning, she’d be able to earn the money for the things the baby would need… No, she cannot do this. She just cannot do this…

“No” she said out loud too and she just noticed that tears were pouring down her face “I cannot do this. I cannot kill it” she finally looked at the doctor, who asked her with an understanding look if she was sure about it. And then she realized that she was. She has been sure about it earlier too, she just didn’t dare to believe that she can deal with the situation alone! Cuz she lived through so many things already, she had dealt with so many hard situations. She will survive this too! What the hell was she doing here? She nodded to the doctor’s question and turned around to go to the next room and change back her clothes. Her next step will be to ask an appointment from her gynecologist to do all the necessary tests to be sure that the baby was healthy. She didn’t care that the boys will never know that one of them will become a father again after a few months time. She didn’t care. This baby will be just hers. It won’t have a father, but she’ll try to give it everything that’ll be needed. She wants this baby, even if its two dads aren’t interested. She won’t leave it, she won’t throw it away. She will let it live, because this child is innocent. There was a reason why it wants to be born and she won’t stop it in this. It was the hardest decision in her life, but she felt that she did the right thing.

---

Dave was sitting in a hotel room, totally fallen apart. He’s lost a lot of weight and his clothes didn’t fit him anymore. His phone was still open. Hours have passed since his emergency call. He was waiting patiently – what else could he have done? He lazily counted the minutes, but it happened that sometimes more minutes got lost – and it occurred more often. No, he didn’t want to faint now. Not again. Time after time a muscle strained or he shook his head as if a fly disturbed him. The starving made him hallucinate so sometimes he mumbled something incomprehensible. Mainly he said offenses to his monsters that were torturing his mind and soul. The spot where he was sitting on the floor was full of every kind of garbage – empty bottles and metal boxes as he pumped alcohol and sugar into his system. A few days ago he cut his hand very badly and because he didn’t do anything about it, it became purulent from the infection. His hair got a bit longer and his stubbles slowly turned into a beard. But he didn’t move just waited.

He heard some noises from outside, but he couldn’t decide whether it was just his imagination again, or it really happened. Slowly it became difficult for him to separate the reality and the products of his mind. But when he heard the banging again, he knew that it was real this time. He moaned quietly as he tried to make some noise and after some tries he could finally say a “come in” on a very hoarse tone.

The door opened immediately and the man who entered didn’t seem to be surprised, just the pupils of his green eyes narrowed as he stopped in the door with a paper bag in his hand. According to the incoherent phone call he had time to prepare for this. He sighed and shook his head while he put down the bag on the floor, walked to the singer and kicked a few glasses and bottles away so he could kneel in front of him. He took the pale face into his hands and sized up the damage. “Dave…” he sighed resignedly while he asked himself who’d come to help him if he let himself fall apart like this.

“Mart…” he whispered, but couldn’t say anything more, he just grabbed his arm desperately “I’m sorry, Mart… don’t be mad at me…”

Mart didn’t answer just grabbed Dave’s arms and checked the crooks of them. He grimaced when he saw a smaller cut next to one of his tattoos and a crappy wound on his other hand. “Which number is this?” he asked on a careworn tone, holding up three fingers to him. He saw that it was difficult for Dave to focus.

“I didn’t want… I really didn’t want… I know that she was yours… but… but…” and he couldn’t take it anymore – he began sobbing.

“What are you talking about, Dave?” he asked but didn’t listen completely, because he was still checking how bad his condition was.

“I love her! And we left her… alone… and we killed… we killed our own… our own…”

The blond man stopped examining Dave and pulled back a bit to look at him seriously. The pain doubled in his green eyes.

“We killed it!” the brown man yowled and his tears flowed unstoppable “Killer! Murderers! How much does a life count?!”

“Dave, shhh, calm down. I’m here now” Martin came around, pushing his pain back inside. It yowled inside with every word the singer said, it cried out loud in him like Dave did moments ago. “Come on, get up! We go to the bathroom. Come on!”

“Martin… you’re the only one I have now… only you…” he panted.

“It’s not true. You have your family, Dave, you know that” he stood up then he leant down and reached under his armpit to lift him. It wasn’t easy but he managed to make him stand up on his weak legs.

“Not anymore…” he whispered.

“What are you talking about? Don’t say silly things” Mart murmured concentrating on taking Dave into the bathroom in one piece.

“Martin! I’m in the middle of my divorce!” he snapped and it seemed that his sanity has returned for a moment, but then his eyes became hazy again.

“WHAT??” he stopped and had to concentrate not to let Dave go in his shock.

“I told… I told it to Jen. I couldn’t live as if everything was alright when it’s not!”

“Dave, what did you tell her? What did you tell her exactly?!” Martin freaked out after pushing Dave down on the edge of the bathtub and he grabbed his shoulders to keep his balance.

“I told her about Anita. That I’ve met her… that I’ve slept with her… that it happened several times…”

“Tell me that you said only this much to her! Dave! You told her only this, didn’t you?!”

“Ye..yeah. She doesn’t know about you.”

“Alright. I mean I know that it’s not alright, but… anyway… I think you understand. I’m not happy, Dave, not happy at all. And I’m sorry” he said and looked into the cloudy eyes then he started dragging down his clothes “Come, we take a shower.”

“Yes, that… that’ll be good… that’ll be good…” he murmured, getting lost in his own world again.

The blonde man sighed deeply and started pulling his mate together. First he washed him then after rubbing him dry he helped him into some boxers with much difficulty and made him sit down on the bed. He was still shocked how much weight he has lost, but he’s seen him in worse condition too. He quickly called Dave’s doctor, whom he trusted and after updating him about Dave’s condition he called him there. While they were waiting for the doc’s arrival, Mart tried to force some water and food down on Dave’s throat. When he saw that the singer seemed more like himself he asked “Dave, you didn’t take any drugs, did you?”

“No. Nothing. No… in that case I would have seen horrible things.”

“Alright. I’m glad. Okay Dave, everything’ll be fine. Your doctor is on his way. He’ll take care of your wounds and he’ll examine you. You’ll be better.”

“No… none of this will get better… I would never be able to wash down the blood from my hands… Mart… we didn’t do anything! We did nothing...”

“I tried, but… I used the wrong words. I could have stopped it. It’s not your fault. This whole thing is my fault” he said seriously, but detachedly.

“You tried?” he looked at him.

“In the hospital. But I was still confused. I didn’t know what to do. None of us knew. And I just repeated what’d be the best, that… It’s not important, the main point is that she sent me away and told me that… she’ll do what we asked her to do. Yes, Dave. We’re murderers. We cannot change this” he put his arm around his friend’s shoulder “I’m sorry, but we have to live with this burden.”

“What do you think, what would it have been? A boy or a girl? Whom would have it resembled? I wonder if the baby liked music too…” Dave said apathetically “If it was a boy, I’d have taken him to play baseball or to the beach… we would’ve race on a big sailboat, swim and we would have went fishing and laugh a lot. If it was a girl, I’d have taught to her how to play on the piano. I, alone. I’d have read out loud for her at evenings or I’d have crooned a lullaby into her ear. I’m sure she’d have been a pet-person and on one of her birthdays I’d have bought a little puppy or kitty for her. I would have comforted her if she was sad or I’d have laughed with her if she was happy. I’d have given her advices in case she asked. I’d have supported her to start her life and would have watched as she gets her degree. We’d have celebrated Christmas together and I’d have taken her to England. To our homeland. But none of this will happen.”

Martin felt that her whole body started shaking from the suppressed crying. Then he couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing, because all these things – with different pictures – have already ran through his mind. He’ll never forgive himself that he’d ruined the lives of two – no, three – people including his.

Dave couldn’t cry anymore. He’s lived through every possible pain. He was just sitting there silently while he slowly pulled Martin to him.

Next chapter

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