Recommended song: INXS – Kill the pain
Chapter 8
He couldn’t sleep too much because his thoughts didn’t let him. His wife was sleeping soundly next to him, nuzzling to Dave like a satisfied cat, nearly purring. He wouldn’t have thought that she just needed a good fuck to calm down. Maybe he should use this method more often? Though he felt a little guilty for using her after getting turned on by Martin. And he couldn’t get rid off him while he fucked his wife. The intensity of his desire to be with the small blonde man surprised him. Since he’d left Basildon, he never felt such a longing to be with a man. Or was it only because of Martin? What made him so unique? Why does he feel the need to have him? And not just physically but spiritually too… Maybe they are soulmates. Yes, that’d make sense, because as he noticed they could understand each other better than anyone else around them. Often they didn’t have to talk at all, they knew what the other was thinking and the short amount of time while this evolved was strange to Dave.
On the inside he was quite sensitive, but just a very few people could see this side of him. And now this side was awfully confused. Martin Gore confused him beyond words. He wouldn’t have thought that this will happen after all those long years…. Or was it maybe because of this? He focused his desire to love another man on Martin? If someone else had come instead of him, would he have focused this need on that other guy? No, he didn’t think so. He could already feel a special bond between Curly and him. But did the other man feel that too? Or was it just him and his romantic mind?
David knew that he hurt Martin – maybe badly. He was the one who cracked down on the blonde man and in the last moment he hesitated and pulled back, crushing his hopes. He saw it in those sad green eyes. He hurt him… But it was too late to do anything about it. By this time – he glimpsed at the alarm clock – he was already gone, on his way back to London, to his family. He sighed from the swirling emotions inside of him. Did he really felt jealousy from the thought of Martin playing the underdog for his wife? He felt inexplicable anger against that woman, because he knew enough from that Suzanne to know that she just uses her husband in so many ways… But he never dared to go deep into this topic and warn Martin. It was possible that he needed exactly this from his mistress.
Dave sighed and rolled over with Jen to be able to free himself from her embrace. He absentmindedly put a light kiss on the sleeping woman’s swollen and red lips before getting out of bed to take a long shower. He chuckled to himself sadly from the thought that Martin meant danger to the promise he made to himself. But now it doesn’t matter anymore. He was not here anymore and it was likely that he won’t see him ever again. This made him somehow sad as he was standing under the water, letting it cascade down on his face and body. After all he remained a week little fag…
He knew that he’ll muse on this for some more days and luckily Jen has to go back to California that night to finish the shooting of her serial, so he’ll have time, she won’t disturb him. He knew the screenplay too well: after she wakes up they’ll act strangely around each other – he’ll feel that “calm before the storm” feeling again and she’ll act like everything was fine between them, reassuring herself with last night’s fuck - which probably meant to her that her husband still wanted and needed – loved? – her.
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“So this happened…” Dave finished pouring out his soul to his friend Chris who was listening to him in the last few minutes.
He knew that Dave had to be in a real turmoil if he decided to confess everything to him and he should comfort him, but as a good friend he had to give him a good wig and it didn’t matter that Dave’s face started to change as he listened to Chris’ words.
“So yes, I suspected this, but I didn’t expect you to hurt Martin this way, plus I asked you not to screw up things! I thought you listened to me!” he frowned.
“I know all these things you told me, thank you! But I expected some support from you, knowing that you’re the only friend I told about this side of mine! I thought at least you’ll understand me, Chris! So fuck you and your advices!” he jumped up and stormed out of the room.
The drummer sighed and sipped from his beer. Maybe he was too hard on him… But he knew David well. He needed to be like this with him to get the message through. Still, he was worried about the quick-tempered singer and hoped that he won’t do anything stupid.
He couldn’t really sleep that night, because he tried to reach Dave on his cell without success. He nearly jumped up from his bed when his phone started ringing. It was Kessler.
“Hey, mate, what’s up?” he asked.
“Hi Chris. Is there something with Dave? Do you know where he is?”
“Why?” he swallowed hard.
“Because he didn’t go back home to his kids last night.”
“Well, I think… I know where he is. I’ll take a look. You know, another mood-swing of his kicked in…” he tried to cover the real cause.
“Okay. I hope you’ll find him. Give me a call if you do, please.”
“Sure. Bye.”
He quickly dressed up and got into his car to drive to New Jersey. He knew that his friend has a place – actually a cheap motel – to go in such cases. And usually he drinks a lot if his emotions torture him. Chris knew after their last conversation that this was the situation now. Soon he arrived to the motel and to the usual door.
“Hey, Dave, I know you’re here. Please let me in. It’s me, Chris!” he knocked on the door. He was really worried about him.
“Fuck off!!” he heard after a few minutes. At least he was conscious…
“Please, Dave, I’m worried about you and I want to apologize for being too hard on you!”
“You can shove your apology up your ass!” he shouted right into Chris’ face as he opened the door with a sudden move.
Chris stepped back in his surprise. He really looked like shit. “Hey, dude, I’m really sorry. Can we talk?” he asked quietly.
For a long minute Dave just stared at him with his blood-shot eyes then stepped aside to let his friend in. The room looked like a mess – empty beer and vodka bottles everywhere. He knew that it takes some time and heavy drinking to his friend to get drunk and it was clear from the amount of consumed alcohol that last night it was his goal to reach that state.
“Look, you were right. I shouldn’t have acted like some fucking wise monk. I know that this is difficult for you. So if you need to talk about it again, I’m here to really listen.”
Dave searched his eyes then sighed and grabbed a half-empty vodka bottle, offering it to Chris, but he just shook his head and sat down next to him on the bed.
“Thanks. I overreacted too – as usual. I was hurt and confused and even angry, but mostly at myself. I was such a jerk with him. I bet he feels awful too. But he’s already back with his family. And I’m not sure what to think about him” the words started to flow and he stopped just to sip from the bottle. “Having him around in the last few months awoke this other side of mine again. And this aching to be free, to not live a lie, to have a life without compromises and opportunism. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. Cuz I know it well that I’ve done that for all these years, trying to deny who I really was just to fit better into society and the human world. But I’m not like them. I’m different – I’ve always been different. And I tried to deny it… fuck, I just wanted to belong to somewhere… or someone… who understands me. And I think this person would be Martin, or who knows? Maybe I just project my frustrations on him and see the escape in him… the escape from my fucked-up shitty life” he said on a broken tone and took a long sip from the bottle again “Fuck, it’s meaningless to go on like this. I’m not happy or satisfied with my fake life! I can already see the cracks on my marriage. I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to go on with it, to pretend that everything was okay – like Jen does. I practically had to ‘rape’ her after the party to make her talk normally to me again. And even if we both liked it, this isn’t the way it should be… This is all wrong! So fucking wrong, Chris…” he sighed bitterly and buried his head into his hands.
For a few minutes there was silence in the half-lit room then Christian looked at his friend and patted his back. “You know… now that I see the bigger picture here, I understand you better. I think you should listen to your heart if you don’t want to lie to yourself. What does it tell? I think you know the answer. But you should know that your kids need you too. Don’t forget this and rush into something that’ll hurt not just yourself but other people close to you too.”
“I know and I don’t want to hurt them. I love my kids, Chris. And I’m an awful dad that I left them alone last night! How could I…?” he whispered with tears in his eyes.
“Don’t worry, John’s wife stayed with them, they’re fine. He called me earlier this morning.”
“Thank god…”
“I think you went too far with this fake life and with lying to yourself, but I’m sure you’ll figure out how to solve this problem. And I’m by your side, pal” he embraced his shoulder comfortingly and smiled at him.
“Yeah, thanks, Chris. This means a lot to me, you know” he said quietly, but a faint smile appeared on his lips as well. He’ll surely figure out something. He has to.
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