Chapter 21

The buzzing city surrounded him and he watched the people hurry on the streets, trying to avoid the falling leaves that were carried by the sharp wind that blew through the city from the river. He was sitting in a Starbucks café over a half-empty cold cup of black coffee. His long fingers were playing with a gilded metal lighter, but he didn’t really pay attention to it, it became a habit of his since he’d left London and came back here. Somehow he found his beloved city unfamiliar, strange. Empty. A very important thing was missing from here. A special person, whom he couldn’t forget, no matter how hard he tried to get back into husband/father mode. He smiled, he did what he was told, he worked on some minor jobs, but inside he was somewhere else. Miles away.

Dave stood up and buttoned up his coat, adjusting his black scarf around his neck then left the shop. He wandered aimlessly on the streets, looking at everything and nothing at the same time. His thoughts were running round and round and he always got back to that curly man. He sighed as the picture came back into his mind as they were just lying in each other’s arms on that last night, just stroking each other’s skin, communicating just with their touches and eyes. He wanted to tell Martin so many things, but both of them stayed quiet. The cozy warm feeling of the situation brought tears into Dave’s eyes as he walked along the Hudson.

He didn’t want to go “home” – to his flat. It didn’t feel like that anymore. The kids were happy to see him again – for two or three days. Jen was the same – they had some hot welcome-home-sex, but that’s all. Everything got back to normal. ‘Everything’s so boring. Just fucking boring’ he thought while sitting on a bench. ‘I don’t fit in here anymore.’

He wondered what his blonde lover was doing in that moment. Was he with his family? Was he working? Or have to obey to his mistress in a kinky situation? From this last question he had to close his eyes, because he remembered how good Mart was when he fucked him for the first time. He loved him as his Master. And he felt sorry that he hadn’t felt himself ready for this earlier. He so wanted to be his underdog again! He could barely remember that first sex, because of his extremely excited state he was in. But he could still feel the thick throbbing cock ramming into him.

“Fuck…” he breathed and quickly opened his eyes and tried to think on something else. The setting sun’s last beams made his sad eyes wet so he stood up and started walking again. He felt so cold and not because of the cool November weather. This coldness came from the inside and he couldn’t make it disappear with a hot shower or a coffee. He was sad and depressed and impatient. Since he came back, he had lots of quarrels with his wife, but then he grew tired from them and just let her do and think whatever she wanted. He felt tired.

He pulled out his cell from his pocket and dialed. After some ringing a familiar voice greeted him. “Hey Chris! Yeah, I’m back. Fancy some beer in our usual place? Great. I’ll be there within 20 minutes. See you there.” He needed someone whom he trusted and could talk to.

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“Hey, mate! Long time no see!” Chris greeted him with a handshake and a tight hug and Dave laughed too.

“Yes, I missed you too Chris, but please let me breathe!” he chuckled.

“Oh sorry” he said and quickly let him go then sat down and waved for a beer “So, tell me, how was it? I heard that the first single will come out from that German band soon and it’ll be a big hit! Or so do my sources say…” he grinned.

“Well, I hope they’re right! We worked a lot on the lyrics and helped to the guys to fit them to the tracks. It was tiring but fun” he shrugged.

“Then let’s drink to your next success story!” Chris raised his glass for a toast.

“Thanks, mate!” his friend smiled at him and they drank. “And what’s with you? What did you do since the last time I called?”

“I was extra-busy as a session drummer. Had three bands where I helped out during recording some demos and had some gigs with a fourth group.”

“Sounds cool. Then you’re full of money now, huh?” Dave chuckled.

“He-he, no, I wouldn’t say that but I get along nicely. Oh and I moved in with Nikki” he winked.

“Finally! It was high time for you to obey to her will…” he grinned kinkily.

“Well, it seems that she cannot live without me” he chuckled too and shrugged “But yeah. Things are getting serious between us, thank god.”

“That’s good, that’s good. I’m happy for you!” Dave nodded and fixed his gaze on his bottle. His mood changed rapidly from the topic.

“It doesn’t look like that…” Chris noted after examining his friend’s expression for a while. “Don’t tell me you secretly have a crush on her!” he joked.

“No!” he looked up and forced a smile “I barely met her anyway, you silly!”

“Then… what is it? And don’t try to tell me that everything’s okay, cuz I know you, Dave…”

He didn’t know how to say it. He wanted to tell his best friend, he couldn’t keep it inside anymore, but… how should he do it? He decided to take the simple way: “I’m in love.”

Chris nearly choked on his beer and after coughing for a while he managed to focus on Dave again. “Uhm… I suspect it’s not the missus if you seem this worried about it…”

The uncomfortable silence stretched then Dave said quietly: “It’s Martin.” To be frank he found the drummer’s expression quite entertaining as his jaw landed somewhere on the floor.

“What the fuck?!??!”

“Yeah, funny situation, huh?” he tried to chuckle but it faded away quickly.

“Not really… But how? And why? And does he love you back?!” he forced himself to keep his voice down.

Dave saw on him that he was still shocked and he had to sigh. “We got closer while working together again. And… I don’t know if he loves me too… You’re the only one who knows about my feelings yet.”

“Fuck…” Christian frowned and scratched his chin.

“Yeah…” his friend sighed again and lit a cigarette.

“Did you two…?”

“Yeah, we fucked. Whenever we could” he shrugged and a faint smile ran through his face.

As the blonde drummer watched him, he noticed how sad and worn-out Dave looked and his shock quickly turned into sympathy. “And… what do you want to do now?” he asked after a while.

“I… I don’t know…” the singer said and inside he collapsed as he puffed out the smoke. His eyes got wet from the tears he tried to hold back as he realized the deadlock he was in.

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He stopped at a cartoon channel, watching the animated colorful figures move around for a while, but he didn’t follow the story. His mind wandered off again, thinking about the last few days and how empty he still felt. He was glad that he decided to talk about Martin with Chris. He tried to support him, Dave saw it on him, but they couldn’t come up with a good solution to the situation that was slowly eating up the singer from the inside. Should he confess his feelings for the curly man? Or leave it this way and let it go? Let him go? Did he love him at all? Or was it just about fulfilling his gay desires with the singer? They had no real opportunity to talk about their feelings. It was too soon. Or too late? He was confused beyond words and felt like a lost puppy without his master, wandering on the streets – through the empty days of his life. He felt incomplete without Martin. And neither his wife, nor his children could fill this black void inside of him. He was heartbroken and bleeding on the inside. He could nearly hear the yowling of his real self, whom he tried to bury deep inside of him. But it was there and it was in pain, missing the only person who could tame it.

Dave’s fingers stopped playing with the lighter in his hand. He drove Jen crazy with clacking it over and over again, but he didn’t care. Until she wasn’t around, Dave could stay relatively calm. He wasn’t curious about her comments and faces she made when she looked at him. She was distant again, but it was still better than trying to stop her efforts to drag him in bed. Otherwise he was sure she was fucking around too, but he didn’t care anymore. Moreover he was glad that she was occupied that way too and let him alone to sink into his dark thoughts.

He watched as the light sparkled on the lighter and a faint smile crawled on his face. It was a present from Martin before they said goodbye in his hotel room. Dave stroked along the surface. Soft waves were carved into it and his index-finger followed the lines absentmindedly then he clicked it open and just watched the appearing flame. Mart allured him like the fire allures a moth, which goes there willingly to die from the object of its attraction. He felt the same way about Martin. He missed him like the air that kept him alive. Without him he was just a moth lost in the endless night, searching blindly for a goal to live for.

Suddenly a strong feeling filled him – a determination. He reached for his phone and lay down on the couch. He took a deep breath and when he got through, he said: “Hey, my lover. I miss you…”

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