Chapter 28

Did he ruin everything with his confession? Dave was unsure. In the last few days he’d been watching Martin who seemed to be more closed – with him too. He barely talked to Dave and he just didn’t understand him. After all Mart was the one who said to do this, to accept the guys’ invitation for the foursome. Then what was his problem now? Dave didn’t want to let Jorge fuck him, Mart said that he should let it happen. And then he just couldn’t stop himself and confessed that he loved Martin. Maybe this scared the curly man? Maybe it wasn’t the right time to say it out loud? Was it too early? But… Dave felt this way. He couldn’t stay silent about it anymore. He had to tell it. He so wanted Martin to love him back! What if he doesn’t feel the same? And what if he… will never feel the same? Okay, it was clear for Dave that Mart liked him and had some feelings towards him but what if that won’t turn into love, ever? What if this will be one-sided? Well… if he wanted to be honest to himself, it’d be okay even that way – it wouldn’t matter if he can be with the blonde musician. He just needed him. The singer knew it for sure that he was in love with Mart and he saw the one in him who can “save” his life, the one who can make it possible to Dave to live freely and stop lying to everyone, but most importantly to himself.

Another thing he just couldn’t understand about Mart’s behavior was that he was much harsher with him in bed which Dave enjoyed VERY much, but on the other hand he got a lot of petting and stroking afterwards – and that was completely different from the way Mart acted around him in the studio – there he was cold and withdrawn. So he asked himself what was going on?!

No wonder, he waited for Christian, who just got back from running some errands in the last few days, like a “Redeemer”. Within five minutes after the drummer’s arrival Dave dragged him out of the studio for a smoke and a coffee to the nearby snack bar.

After they sat down outside and ordered their coffees and a sandwich, Chris was just sitting opposite his friend and watched him for a while. “Okay, spill it! What have you done again?”

“You know me too well…” Dave sighed and lit his cigarillo “Well… a lot had happened while you weren’t here…” and he started to fill in his friend, although he didn’t really know where to start.

Chris interrupted him when he was raving about Jorge and how much he fitted his type, telling that he was exactly the kind of man whom he always fancied, because he was big and strong and strict. “Don’t tell me you laid under him!” Chris asked a bit shocked.

“Well… it’s possible…” he blushed slightly.

“Are you nuts? Now that you can be with the man you’d been crying after?!?!”

“Uhm… it wasn’t that simple… we had a foursome with the guys… and Martin encouraged me to let Jorge do me…” he said and told Chris most of the things.

After he had finished he watched as Chris tried to stay calm and keep his voice down. “Are you totally crazy, Dave?!” he asked but then forced himself to calm down. The singer didn’t see the obvious, and Chris was surprised to see how much Dave was in love with the blonde musician.

“But… but he’s so important to me… And I have to solve this” Dave whined and that surprised his friend even more – he had never done that in front of Chris before. “I want to understand him – or if I cannot then as much as possible!” he whispered hoarsely, his eyes welling up “I don’t want to lose him, Chris. I love him. And I told it to him and since then he acts cold and distant and I don’t know what to do. I need your advise, mate. You are my only hope now. You know most of the things about us and I didn’t want to fill in Jorge or Reno – they are still kinda ‘outsiders’ in this. But you know I trust you. I need your help, Chris.”

“You really don’t see it, do you?” Chris sighed after nodding and ensuring Dave that he’ll help.

“What?”

“Why he’s acting like this with you.”

“I guess he’s scared” he frowned, unsure.

“Partly. Probably. But look… he insisted that you lay under Jorge, right?”

“Right” Dave nodded, trying to guess where Chris was leading him.

“For me it’s clear that he did this because he loves you, but isn’t ready to say it to you. And he put his pride aside to see you happy – even if it meant letting another guy fuck you. Or at least I see it this way. Maybe I’m wrong.”

Dave just stared at his sandwich on the plate and didn’t know what to think. Chris’ theory was flattering and maybe true, but he wasn’t sure he should believe it. Sometimes it was very difficult to tell why Martin acted in a certain way. It was possible that he had other reasons. And this insecurity was just killing Dave. He wanted to see clearly, but wasn’t sure that he wanted to know the answers to his questions.

“I guess I have one choice… To ask him, right?”

“It seems” Chris nodded and stubbed out his cigarette. “When the time is right. Don’t force it.”

Dave just nodded and followed him back to the studio, lost in thoughts.

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He was fed up and just wanted to finally hang up. With every day he had spent away from home it became harder and harder to play the obedient husband to Sue when they were on the phone. He was sure his wife felt that something was different and Martin was changing, because their conversations became impersonal and tense – she wanted to know when they’ll get money and Martin just wanted her to hang up and let him live his new free life on this vacation-like trip with David and the gang.

“Fine! I’ll call! Bye!” he could finally end the call and toss his cell into a nearby armchair. “Fuck I hate this!” he puffed then tried to calm down a bit, but his head was full of the things going on at home.

He walked back into the bedroom where Dave was waiting for him in bed. In the moment he sat down the singer crawled and nuzzled to him, starting to ask questions and murmuring kind things to him, but now he couldn’t focus on him.

“David, please, let me calm down a bit. We nearly had a fight with Sue on the phone. I need a little time” he asked him.

The dark-haired man swallowed hard and felt desperate to try and make Mart show a sign to him that could ease the cutting insecurity he felt deep inside. “So… from now on you won’t tell me if something bothers you?” he asked quietly, rather talking to himself “Now that I said I love you…?”

Martin hit the ceiling and turned around to look at David “Why? Leaving me alone for a while to calm down and deal with my thoughts means that I don’t love you???” he snapped.

Suddenly the singer felt scared because finally he saw how angry Martin was and he thought that he was angry at him. “I… I… well I… didn’t say that! But before the foursome we talked about everything that was on our minds or bothered us…” he stuttered on a hurt tone “You told me to do it and that we are strong enough for this” he mumbled under his nose as he turned away and lay back down in bed, showing his back to the angry blonde man.

For a few moments Martin stayed silent then he stood up from the edge of the bed and his eyes turned deeply sad. “It seems, I was wrong” he whispered and walked out on the terrace then further into the dark garden for a smoke.

Dave pressed his lips together and tried hard not to cry into his pillow as he literally buried himself under his cover. This single sentence shot right through his heart like a sharp arrow. He tried not to panic. He really tried…

Martin puffed the smoke into the air angrily as he was pacing in the dark garden. He knew that he just hurt Dave with his comment, but he meant it on himself. He realized that he disappointed himself. It wasn’t Dave’s fault. He didn’t want to hurt the singer but because of his anger it just turned out this way. He knew that he should go back and say something comforting for the other man – he already knew how sensitive he really was under that though image he shows to everyone else. But… first he wanted to clear things inside of him. He was still confused because of his stirring emotions and he knew that he cut off himself from the outside world to protect himself. It wasn’t the first time he did this. This was his defense, even if he knew that there was a high chance that acting like this will hurt people around him. People whom he loved and cared about. He knew it wasn’t the best thing to do, but it was in his nature and he was going through a rough time right now. He just started realizing what his real desires were and what he wanted to do with his life. Yes, he was thinking about other things too – serious things – that he didn’t tell Dave, because he wasn’t ready.

“Fuck! Changing is hard…” he murmured and turned his gaze from the full moon to a shadow that took the shape of Jorge as he got closer.

“Hi, Mart. What’s the matter?” the drummer asked as he looked down at the shorter man.

“Nothing, nothing. I’m just tired” he murmured under his nose.

“Oh yeah? I’m not blind, Martin. And it won’t do anything good if you don’t talk about it. And it especially goes for you two.”

“What do you know about this?” Mart grunted and turned around to go away, but Jorge’s voice stopped him.

“You know, I’ve been there before. I had some serious relationships and I’m in one right now with Reno. And guess what, I’ve learned not to fall into the mistake you seem to be making right now. Closing out him and not telling what your true feelings are… will kill the relationship for sure. You are at the beginning of your relationship – now is the time to be honest with each other. If you really care about Dave. It’s your choice but if you don’t try… you’ll never know what could have been between you two. That was a friendly advice, think about it.”

First Martin wanted to turn around and send Jorge and his advices to hell, but when he looked at the serious face of the other musician, he pressed his lips together and looked down at his feet, trying to suppress his anger. Finally he broke out: “But I love him and I want to give him whatever he wants and needs, but I’m not sure that I’m able to do so! I’m so screwed-up, I know… I just don’t know how to do things… how to handle him… and how to handle myself…” he whispered at the end.

“Look, I don’t know why you make this bigger than it is. Don’t look at me like that!” he said seriously when Mart’s eyes flashed “Why are you doing this? Everyone needs just love, safety and attention. And as I saw, you were able to give this to him until now. So what has changed?”

And with that Martin let the Mexican guy melt back into the shadows as he continued his walk. Martin just stood there for some more minutes then went back to their room and just stood there on the grass, looking at the cuddled-up figure on the bed. The light of the nightstand crawled out into the night and reached his legs, but the rest of his body stayed in the shadows. He was just watching Dave’s figure on the bed and looked inside of him. He could already hear a melody in his head and the words came from nowhere.

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