Chapter 10

“This is all you need for who you are
This is how a good man goes too far…”

The morning found Jim sitting on the edge of the bed while puffing smoke towards a window he'd cracked earlier. He sometimes glimpsed at the sleeping and slightly drooling naked man on the other side of the bed. He was so damn cute like that that for a long moment Jim let himself just feel how deeply he loved that lil' shit. He felt that last night when he finally fully gave himself to Corey was yet another (huge) proof of his love. But maybe it was still not enough...

With that thought he took another drag and flicked the ash into the ashtray next to his naked body, his eyes darkening and his heart sinking from that thought. He should be so damn happy now – which he was on some level after last night – but he couldn't escape the thoughts of self-doubt. Was this a good idea in the first place? What's going to happen now? And what about Sid? Jim couldn't and wouldn't stop Corey if that's what and who he wanted. Even if it'd break his heart into million little pieces. He'd gladly sacrifice himself for Corey's happiness at any moment.

Kinda did that in the past too.

As if sensing those heavy thoughts, Corey opened his eyes and stared at Jim. It was clear from the slight fear in his blue hazy orbs that he woke up so sudden from a deep and not so pleasant dream. Like many times.

This time the scared glint stayed in his eyes as he sat up with a groan and rubbed his face before looking back at Jim again. Reaching his hand out, he asked for a cigarette too. They always had many unspoken ways of communication...

"How are you? Still don't want to give up on me and leave?" he asked quietly. More with the tone of a guilty man.

Without thinking, Jim gave Corey the pack of cigarettes and pushed the ashtray closer to him too then took another deep drag from his own smoke, noticing that certain look in the blue eyes.

"No. I don't want to leave. I'm just... worried about us," he whispered, smoke swirling out from his mouth and nose as if he was an old dragon. Well, he felt old. So very old in that moment. There were so many unspoken things in and between them too. Jim didn't even know where to start.

"What will happen now? What do you want? I'll give it to you if I can... You know that, right?" he slightly tilted his head to the side as he looked at Corey, trying to stay as open as possible instead of closing up even more.

Corey looked back at the tall man with an expression like "you really should know all this" and lit his cig.

"You," he whispered closing his eyes with a deep sigh. "Us. How we were. It's all fucked up. I… I feel like I pushed you away. From me… From us… When we all were together. And we all suffered. And changed. And I miss that Jim. The one who followed what felt natural to him and not overthinking it all," he said low, lowering his eyes. "And how do you feel now, after...?" he glimpsed back up at Jim searching his reactions. "You have to know how... how much it means to me. How… it sounds stupid, but honored I am… I'm too fucked up and always want to run away. I'm sorry about… Sid… I was drunk and wasn't thinking really. I want you to be liberated and happy. Like we were with... with Paul…" Corey swallowed hard, looking away again.

And with that the time of panicking was coming back fast. Jim swallowed hard because Corey was touching on some real dark and very deeply buried shit he never wanted to think about. Ever. He wasn't ready for that. Maybe he'll never be. It wasn't about mentioning Paul or how the three of them used to be. Not even about the fact that Corey pushed him away – and Jim let that happen willingly for a reason.

It was more about the exact reason. Something he might think of some time. Or not. That 'going with the flow' mindset was gone. Locked up deep inside him. And that left him with overthinking and a constant half-conscious self-controlling. Like with his left hand. He was born left-handed but was forced to use his right and that required such a half-conscious control even today, messing some things up in his mind.

But he was doing the former for only one thing: to protect Corey. From Jim himself.

"I... I'm sorry. I know you miss that Jim, but... I just can't... can't be like that," he whispered on a wobbly out of breath voice in fear that Corey would demand that. Instead he stubbed his cig out and ran a slightly shaking hand through his messy hair.

"I'm good. A bit sore," he shrugged with a faint smile and looked Corey in the eye. "I can see that you mean it... being honored. I'm too, to be honest," he said with a light blush on his cheeks, swallowing hard in an attempt to stay in control of himself. "So... so you don't want to play around with Sid? Cuz I'd let you if that's what you wanted..."

Corey frowned watching Jim at a near panic attack state. His man buried all those wild years they had way deeper than he first thought.

"I know that you are that Jim. But if you can’t, it’s okay. I love this Jim too," he smiled a little, sliding closer to the bigger body. After all... they’ve always been a bit nuzzly-cuddly…

"I don't want to play around with no one. I want you. And I want you to be happy. Not always be my babysitter. You know... I feel so guilty. I’ve always been. But… losing Paul… And now I'm just drifting apart more and hurt you and push you away. And drinking makes it worse. Like always..." he shrugged with a forced chuckle.

"I want to look after you too. Would you give me one last chance to build us up again? But not like before… Just... not locking up and hiding from ourselves and each other? I promise I'll try my hardest to speak what's on my mind and be open with you too..." Corey said looking back deep into the hazel eyes.

Ever since Paul had died and he lost the ground from under his feet, this honest and self-sacrificing Jim was the thing that sobered him up from his own self-loathe. He has to help Jim like Jim helps him. He can't just hate himself and make Jim worry. He has to stop making him worry and do what he can to make this man happy again.

Jim welcomed Corey getting closer to him even if his fears didn't lessen from Corey saying he loved him like this too. Because... clearly he missed his other side. Perhaps... perhaps he could try something. Cut back on the booze. Or at least try. And see if... if he could give some more room for his instincts. For now... they'd have to work on their communication.

With that thought and while listening to Corey, he pulled his naked man right next to him so he could hold him close with a tattooed arm around his shoulders. "I only want you too. And sorry if you feel like I'm babysitting you. I just worry for you all the time. I can't help it. I love you more than I ever loved anyone. I hope you know that. And I also like you looking out for me, taking care of me. Of course I want to keep working on us. I never again want to live through such an awful situation like in that backstage room,” he hinted at the memory that was very sobering for Jim back in those wild years, as Corey called them. “I'm still sorry about that. But... you're right. We have to be more open with each other. Not just you but I have to do the same. Been bottling up so many shits during the years. I know... as scary as it might be for both of us... we'll have to talk about certain things."

Corey leaned his head onto Jim’s shoulder and listened to what he was saying. "I'm slowly killing myself and I’m getting more fucked up. I'm scared, Jim…" he whispered. "All those voices… I'm hearing them again. And I can't shut them up. Just like before..." the singer looked at his cut up forearm with a grimace. He’s never been ashamed of what he was and how much he balances his darkness with the loving-caring nature. He knew that he won't last long if he keeps letting his darkness eating him up. And from last night, what they spent so perfect with Jim he maybe don't want that to happen that much. Because he felt like he was needed. Not just ruining everything. He can try to fix it and make Jim feel better too.

"I'm a mess and you’re looking after me. And I love that. But I know how much a burden it is. If I keep drinking and running away from all the voices and let my shit eating me up, THEN I will ruin everything for real. Mess up the band and my kids and you... We help each other. Like we did with… with Paul. Okay?" he looked at Jim with hope in his eyes.

Jim was utterly speechless and kinda shocked from what Corey was saying. Not because these things would be brand new to him. No, he knew Corey at his lowest, he knew how dark he could go. Jim was surprised and proud because it was very fucking rare and a big thing for the singer to bring up his fears and creeping back insanity and also asking for help in a way.

"You know..." Jim said after swallowing hard and caressing Corey's shoulder. "You just made me so proud. Thank you for talking to me about this. I can only imagine how scary that can be for you, baby," he whispered, stroking the slightly flushed cheek of his mate with the back of his big hand. His eyes never left Corey's as he was thinking hard. "Okay. We can try. I certainly don't want to lose you or watch you do all these things. I want you to be happy too. I want to love you the way you need me to. So... we can try," Jim said, swallowing hard.

They both knew that Corey meant not just the sexual part of things but the brotherly... or more like soulmates kind of caring for and accepting each other. Not that they wouldn't have been trying to do that now, but it was obviously not enough. "I want to help on you too. Like Paul helped on both of us in the past. It's just you and me now. We have to stick together and stay close to make this work. I too have... stuff I'll have to talk to you about. I know that. And I'll try not to panic. But first of all... I have to cut back on the booze and coke like I've started before the Sid thing. If I don't do that, I can't help you either."

"Can we just cuddle and have sex when we would need pills, coke and booze? That worked before too," Corey smiled moving to straddle Jim, facing his man and hugging his neck. "I promise to try my best. He… he never would have wanted us to be like this…" Corey said low and feeling the self-blame gripping his throat tight again. So he just leaned in to initiate a kiss with biting on the fat juicy bottom lip of Jim.

"Yeah... that can work now too, I think," Jim said in-between kisses, his big hands already caressing Corey's naked back and ass. "And I promise the same... We'll work hard... to make him proud," Jim stated, fully believing what he was saying. Maybe now that they both were on the same page about that, it would actually work. He knew it was going to be a lot of work, but it was something they had to want from their own free will.

With that he held Corey tighter and rolled them over so he could pull that small body under him and cover it with his while they kept kissing like there was no tomorrow.

Corey growled delighted from Jim's move and his legs came around the wide hips. Pulling his man close to him and tried to follow the wild kiss with his own share of biting and sucking on Jim's tongue. He felt a little more alive. And wanted. And he was okay with being wanted. He almost fully accepted it too that he is something that can be longed for... But he didn't want to think. He just wanted to kiss Jim more. Feel his weight press the air out of his lungs and stroke that long back, scratching with his nails a bit when he felt like needing more after a while. Soon his hips bucked up too to brush against the other man's also hardening cock. Corey wanted to feel. Not think. Just feel that Jim wanted him. Despite everything he was inside...

Jim could only moan into their passionate kisses into which he tried to put all the love and want and need he felt towards Corey. He broke the last one with a louder moan as he felt the scratches on his back and he bucked against Corey's cock somewhat harder, a long thigh slightly pushing Corey's leg higher on his back.

"Can't get enough of you. Never could... Never will. I need you so much," he panted while sliding his mouth onto the thick neck to nip and bite it. The guitarist then slid his long fingers against Corey's lips as lust was starting to flood his whole being. "Suck on them good, my boy..." he grumbled on his deeper dominant voice.

The singer let out a weak wobbly moan. Or more like a low cry from all that. Jim dominating him was something that turned his loud-mouse personality into mush within seconds.

He could also feel how Jim let himself looser and that old demanding and possessive Jim thrilled Corey's very core. Sucking on the long thick fingers like they were the most precious meal he ever had, he even let himself feel wanted again. And it started to blow his mind really...

Okay, this was working so far. The letting himself go part. Maybe if Jim was careful, he could do this without losing control over his... urges. Besides he was sober now. Drunk only on lust. Nothing could go wrong, right? Baby steps... Do it in baby steps, Jim reminded himself but still let that beast stretch out in him a bit to help giving Corey what he so clearly needed.

"Oh god... just look at you... Sucking on these fingers as if they were my cock... Such an eager little puppy you are..." Jim kept murmuring his dirty comments then he slid his now wet fingers out of the eager mouth just to rub them against the exposed hole then start pushing right away two in. He knew Corey and his needs all too well...

"Fucking Jesus... Damn..." Corey groaned gritting his teeth and tried to breathe as his body stiffened and arched from the sudden stretch in his hole. Jim was not gentle. And Corey loved every second of it... The pain junkie-masochist inside him was rolling with utter joy. The sharp bolt of pain flashing through his body and shaking it, his face flushed as his system turned it all into euphoria and pushed his brain to feel high with it. With lust and need and love for this man. His man who matched his needs so much…

Corey's fingers gripped into Jim's hair at his nape and his lips parted on short pants and moans. He was at Jim's mercy... Willingly...

Jim chuckled low and maybe even dangerous-sounding from Corey's reactions as he forced his fingers deeper, soon starting to scissor them. Jim found Corey utterly beautiful like this. He was... god, Jim wanted to eat him up alive more than anything.

Baby steps, he reminded himself.

But that didn't keep him from fingering Corey faster and harder, for now letting the smaller male hold on to his hair.

Though in a couple of minutes he pulled his fingers out and reached for the lube to do a quick job of slicking his hard cock up. No third finger now. It was time to take what was his.

"Prepare my boy, because this might hurt a bit..." he chuckled hoarsely as he took hold of both wrists and with one hand pushed them against the bed over Corey’s head, leaning on them a bit while positioning his wide tip to the tight entrance and with a dark look he pushed in.

Corey trembled in all his body. His ass and back lifted from the bed. He whined and cursed and panted for air with a stiffening jaw as his body took in Jim. He felt his heart wanting to explode as he slowly found himself and pushed against the invading cock numbing all his nerves with the violent moves Jim took him with. “Breaking him in,” it rang in his mind from the past when he was the prey and the other two let it all on him to take... “Breaking in the bad puppy...”

The sedative effect of the pain and lust turned into joy made him want it more and faster. He felt the hunger for ecstasy building up inside him even more. The itch for the release... It also made his pleasured body adjust faster and he moved more freely against Jim's rough moves. Moaning his head off half-conscious and holding on to the sheets under his forced down hands for dear life...

Jim's grip on Corey's wrists tightened when the small body arched under him and kept moving against his wet dick that was pounding Corey mercilessly, giving it nearly no time to adjust to his size. Damn... damn this was so good. For both of them. Jim had to admit that. And that they both seemed to have missed this.

"Oh god... you're so perfect..." he panted hoarsely as he kept fucking his boy rough and fast, pounding that tight hot ass as if his life depended on it. He knew they wouldn't last long like this, but that wasn't their goal either. They both needed this so fucking bad. To not think just feel and enjoy their nearly violent coupling.

Ramming back in balls deep, Jim paused for a moment, circling his hips and pushing even deeper to grind against Corey's prostate. His half-smile was outright predatory and wild now as he was looking down at his lover from close. "Taking it so well, my dirty little pup..." he grumbled stabbing that spot over and over again to hear more of the broken moans.

Corey was gone. Deep in his pleasures and cried and moaned and mumbled some half-words while his body was almost at the edge of giving up and losing consciousness from all the sensation he missed so, so much.

Hearing Jim talking to him again he opened his eyes and looked at his man. His pupils were fully blown from the bliss and from the repeating hard attacks against his prostate. His eyes even rolled back up into his skull as his body was convulsing violently and it didn’t take long for him to feel those sweet cramps creeping up on his spine and pushing him into a huge orgasm. His body tensed and stilled and he lost his voice as his sperm shot in jets onto their bellies and his inner walls gripped on the hard dick rhythmically with each convulsion, milking Jim from his juices and making him join Corey in his rapture.

Watching Corey like that was still so very fucking amazing. It's been a while that Jim could see him so very lost in his pleasures and if it took him to open this ugly can of worms to put that expression on the flushed face then Jim would have to try doing it.

As he felt the wetness getting sprayed on their bellies, he returned to his hard pushes, fucking them both through their shared orgasm. Oh god how he loved filling that pulsing ass up with his cum! He roared his pleasure hoarsely and loud as he released not just his juices but more of his being on Corey. Even if Jim kept living in denial... and just dropped on the trembling body, fighting for air.

Still pinned down and breathless from Jim's weight, the slight loss of air pushed Corey's orgasm even further. He was coming down very slowly as his body was trying to return to the normal functioning. After he could breathe again more of less and his consciousness started loosely drifting back, his sighs turned into soft sobs. A bit from joy and love but a bit from the memories and the loss. Probably a bit from even the shock of that side of Jim surfacing again. But big warm tear drops rolled down on his flushed cheeks.

"I love you so much... I need you... Jim I need you. Hear me? I need only you…" he whispered as crying took his senses over.

The second Jim heard the sobs, he moved a bit to let his softening cock slip out of the abused hole and also to give Corey more room to breathe. He lifted his big head to look down at his mate and let the pinned and already bruising wrists go. Seeing and hearing that Corey wasn't crying because of Jim maybe going too far and hurting him for real – which was a constant fear in Jim's life – he wrapped himself around the small body, caressing Corey's head and wet cheeks.

"I know, baby. I know," he said hoarsely, at the brink of crying himself. He swore he could feel Corey's swirling emotions as if they were his. "I love you and need you. I want you so much. Please, believe me," he whispered, planting soft kisses onto the singers face, kissing off some salty tear drops. "I'm only yours. Let it all out, love."

Corey hid himself in Jim more and let the big man pamper him with soft kisses and caresses. His mind was running a mile a second with everything he felt at once starting from his love for Jim till the doubt that he will fuck this up once again.

But eventually his tears dried up and the positive effect of crying it all out worked with Jim's loving attention on him.

After a while he started kissing Jim's lips and face too, sniffing here and there. "Do you ever think about it how it could have all happened if...? I mean... There are many ifs... If we stayed together in Stone Sour and let that build up. Or we didn't meet and fall for Paul... Or if we only stayed together... I fucked up so much..." Corey whispered and pulled back with a sigh. Standing up he walked to his clothes and fetched his wallet.

"You were always my 'guitar god' whom I met as a teenager and wanted to want me... When it was too complicated for you and I felt down... that's when I met Paul. But it was always you…" Corey said pulling out and old photo from his wallet, giving it to Jim. It was an old, old photo of the young, twenty years old Jim Root. In all his hippie-grunge glory. With long silky light brown, almost blond hair. On stage with a guitar.

Jim just nodded to Corey's question then watched him moving around. Of course he's been playing all kinds of scenarios through his mind during the years. With a lot of those what ifs. But before he could reply, something unexpected was given to him.

Sitting on the bed with that picture of him in his slightly shaking hand, Jim was absolutely floored and speechless. He felt his throat closing up and his eyes burning from all the emotions that made his heart beat faster in his chest. Was this true? Or was it just another fucked up dream from which he'd awake to a colder reality?

"You've been... carrying this with you all these years?" he asked barely audible and very hoarsely as his emotion-filled hazel eyes filled up with tears. It was really unbelievable to Jim. And one of the biggest revelations in his life. He was completely convinced that he's never been the first for Corey. He always thought that Paul had that place in the singer's heart and soul. Now... knowing that it's been the other way around all along was... huge. It shook Jim's whole self-doubting world. And that's when he couldn't hold the silent tears back anymore.

"Yes. I was a seventeen year old kid when I first saw you play. And I swear I prayed that you'd turn out to be gay and want me at least one time," Corey kneeled before Jim and chuckled lightly while looking up at his man.

Caressing his tears away from his face, he hugged the shaking man to him. "You turned out to be everything I ever needed. I loved Paul too. And being both of yours was amazing. I wish I could have kept you close to me... But without Paul we would never know how much we fit together," Corey said softly. He knew he touched that risky subject again... But he had to tell these to Jim. "What we did... All of it. For me... After we were so down and deep. And it turned out that what we need matches up... Afterwards I… I sort of left you for Paul because I was too hurt over things... But then I fell even more for you. Paul and what we did helped me realize how you’ve always been the one for me. And… and he always used to say that too... To be with you..." Corey said sniffing again as he kept kissing and caressing Jim.

Jim snorted and chuckled a bit to that too, letting Corey comfort him just like he did for him a few minutes ago. Then Jim pressed his eyes shut hearing more about that painful and dangerous time in their life. He only opened them when Corey said Paul too wanted Corey to be with him. That earned a few more tears as he thought back on their late lover whom they both loved so much.

"I always wanted you. Ever since Shawn started babbling about how great you are. He was right though. You're... perfect for me in so many meanings. I've always loved you the most. And I... I never thought I was the one for you. So this... this is a huge surprise for me," he said quietly as he stroked his thumb across the picture in his hand before handing it back to Corey with a peck onto his lips. "Thank you. This means the world to me."

"You mean the world to me too... I want to fix all that I fucked up," Corey whispered onto the soft full lips and kissed Jim some more. Pushing the bigger man up on the bed again to lay down. Once Jim did, he laid next to him just cuddling and kissing the other man, feeling a little lost in the memories and all the stirred up feelings until they dozed off for a nap.

***

Corey was naked, his skin glistening from sweat. He's been moaning for Jim for hours now and taking his hard dick as if he was born for it. He probably was. Corey was his. He himself told Jim that. And that he could do with him whatever he wanted.

And Jim didn't hold himself back.

The sheet was bloody all over. More red than white but they both wanted more. Corey was begging for it so beautifully that a sadistic smirk flashed over Jim's sweaty face.

"You want more? I'll give you more... I'll give you my all..." he chuckled on a half-mad voice and as he kept fucking the small singer from behind, he leaned forward, wrapping a guitar string around Corey's neck two times to cut his air off and also his skin, sending more blood down his throat while Jim was growling and fucking him harder than ever. Fuck this felt so good! So very good! The choking sounds, the clenching ass around him. The way Corey was starting to fight for air... and to get free...

But Jim didn't stop. He kept going, watching as Corey was starting to black out from the lack of oxygen – fighting in vain as his hands were tied to the bed and the bigger guitarist was keeping him in place. Jim just loooved the panic and real fear in his eyes before they closed.

Then it was time to feed. And that's what he did. His teeth and nails dug and tore into flesh, spraying blood everywhere. That fucking sweet blood pushing Jim into a drugged frenzy as he kept tearing off skin and muscle from the tattooed back to literally eat Corey alive. He was his. He was going to devour every last piece of him. He was going to become one with him. He'll stay with him. Forever...

Jim woke up with a loud scream.

For a change – and maybe because he’s gotten his fix from Jim – Corey slept quite okay... Not even remembering falling asleep on Jim's chest... But as the guitarist shot up with a deadly scream, it almost made Corey roll off the bed.

Feeling panic creeping on him too, he touched the cold sweat-covered trembling arm of Jim, calling him on his name until the big man looked him in the eyes. "It's me… Corey…You're safe… I'm here with you…"

"No... I'm not safe... you're not safe..." he mumbled under his nose as his brain was trying to catch up with the fact that it was just a dream. Or was it?

Jim suddenly felt very fucking guilty. Not just because of experimenting on Corey earlier. But because... because he still couldn't remember how much was true from what he just dreamt about. How much they actually did to Corey while high on drugs and booze with Paul. That... when he nearly killed Corey was the turning point for Jim in the past. That's when he first stopped with the coke.

That's when he'd locked away the sadist in him to the deepest and darkest corner of his being. And it's that corner that he'd poked into earlier that day. Without being high or drunk, he realized.

Hiding his face in his hands he turned mostly away from Corey as he started quietly sobbing. He was a monster after all.

"Hey... Hey... Of course I'm safe with you... I’ve always been… Jim, please... Don't close up on me…" Corey said caressing Jim's head as he tried to figure out what shook up his lover so much. "I'm here for you and love you," he said quietly, starting to get devastated, because he couldn't seem to reach Jim.

It took a moment or two for the crying man to turn into Corey's embrace, trying to hide in the much smaller body, his arms going tightly around him. It was so fucking hard. But he had to do it. He had to start talking about his dark shit too. He couldn't expect only Corey doing that.

"I love you too. Maybe... maybe too much..." he sniffed, knowing that he probably didn't make any sense now. "If I keep opening up... I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt you for real," he forced the words out of himself, some of the bloody pictures flashing in front of his eyes as he was trying to inhale Corey's scent that could always help him calm down when he was close to a panic attack.

From those words Corey finally started to get some clues... He wrapped the huge man in his arms as much as he could and caressed Jim's nape while he rested his face at Corey's neck.
"You never did anything to me that I didn't like or agreed on. Even that time… It was an accident. Mainly because I never knew when it was enough of anything. It was not your or Paul's fault that I kept puking from being that drunk but still wanted wild sex to feel alive," Corey said with a sigh.

Jim lightly shook his head against Corey's shoulder, clearly disagreeing. Then he forced himself to pull back enough to look him in the eye. He had to. Corey had to see his face to what he was about to say.

"You're wrong. At least partly. We should've known better. You were subbing for us. We were controlling you. We should've known when to stop. When to stop you and ourselves. But we failed you. I failed you. I nearly killed you. I wanted to hurt you for real. We were so high and drunk. I want... I wanted to hurt you later too. I wanted to hurt you more today too... I'm so... so terrified of myself... of these needs. I... I loved your pain. I love to watch it. Inflict it... I know you can take it. You can take a lot. But I'm afraid of me losing control again and hurting you severely..." Jim said and it seemed that now that he started talking, he just couldn't stop the flood of words.

"I thought it was just the booze and the drugs. But I was wrong. I wanted that today too when I was sober... And fantasized about so many things since then whenever I was drunk or high. I jerked off seeing you all bloody in my mind... And this nightmare... I was choking you with a guitar string until you passed out and then I literally tore you into pieces and ate you!" he whined, devastated and scared of what Corey would say. He was terrified that he'd be disgusted by him. That Jim just crushed the picture of that 'guitar god' he had in his mind for all these years. That he just blew his only chance for happiness on the side of the man he loved the most in this fucking sick world.

Corey was listening to him closely and raised one brow to all what Jim said. He knew some of it. Because he could feel it on Jim.

"I know what you are. You're the opposite of me. We are indeed a dangerous match. Paul was like that too for me. I wanted to die and feel pain to get rid of the numbness and emptiness so many times. And you can feel it. It… matches what’s inside you… Like I feel that what I need I can find in you. You never hurt me for real Jim. I wrote so many lyrics about those urges you have... I understand it. And welcome it. And I know how dangerous it is. But if you think I'll be… turning away from you, then you're wrong," Corey said looking deep into the hazel eyes.

"He kept our balance in the middle for a while… Till he got worse. I... I have to admit that it was a very destructive relationship. And threesome… But I was the most happy and devastated at the same time while we were together... I feel like a fuck up and unwanted because I'm so weird and probably just trouble to all. But you two accepted me as fucked up as I am and loved me for it… Jim, please... It was a bad dream. You locked all that up for very long. Now after letting it loose a bit it exploded in your dream. And to be honest, I would love it..." Corey shrugged with a small honest smile. "I would love to bleed out and be eaten by you. There are many times I feel like going over the limits... The fact that you fear that all happening means you're still in control," Corey said it all kinda thinking out loud more on all of it.

Maybe he was in danger but he never felt that way. Even knowing what lurked under the skin of his lover, he always felt the safest in those long arms. He was way off the 'normal' rails too. But in that band many of them were. Mostly on their minds and fantasies but it was Corey who voiced it all... Everyone's darkness.

Jim kept swallowing hard and a dozen emotions ran across his face while listening to what his mate was saying. Finally the fear lessened a bit in his eyes and he looked less shaken up knowing that Corey wasn't going to leave him for what he had deep inside of him.

"It... kinda makes sense. Your darkness matching mine. It's so fucked up... but still kinda romantic in a very dark and twisted way," he chuckled dryly then sighed. "And I still love your fucked up," he stroked his lover's cheek. "You are amazing, you know. Sometimes I can't believe you're even real. Seriously, dude... Only you'd say something like that about my dream!" he smiled at Corey with a bit of disbelief. But yeah... he knew Corey enough to believe that.

"And I guess you must be right about me still being in control. I just don't know for how long. And what we should do about this. I obviously want to keep you safe and alive... So we'll have to solve this problem too. And yes, I agree, with Paul with us it was more balanced for a while. But now it's just you and me..." he looked at his man helplessly but at least less frightened.

Corey wanted to make Jim calm down and think it all over. The situation that pushed him into the role of the more in control did the wonder – again. His head was clear and logical. What magic the fact can do that one is needed and the most important person is depending on him for answers.

"Yeah... It's only you and me now. And first let's stay away from the drugs and drinks. I can't lie... What you give me is just as much needed in my very core to keep me grounded as the urge in you to do such things to me. 'Jalapeno,' remember? We're more sober now. Let's use the safe words and the rules," Corey told Jim. After all, they have started this again with those basics at Jim's house.

"In BDSM there is 'sadism and masochism' after all. You're not alone with these, and neither am I. You said you love me... We’re still a cuddly pair... It's not just the violence and possession you feel towards me. And I want to kiss you and cook for you..." Corey bit his lip blushing from that. "And just be with you too. You're not just the thing for my pain-hungry needs.... I love you Jim... We are together…"

"It won't be easy to stay away from that stuff, but we have to try. And yes, I think playing like that could help. Keep us both balanced and grounded..." Jim nodded with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. "Maybe... letting this beast out a bit more regularly might keep it sated and me in control. Not to mention that it could give you too what you might need to keep the voices quiet.... Or at least I hope. You think it'll help on that?" he asked hopefully.

"And I want to take care of you and cuddle you and all that, not just hurting you. Yes, we're together. For real now..." Jim smiled sweetly at his singer and caressed his nape. He still had to fully believe that.

"Yeah but we can do it. It will be hell. We’ve been there both…" Corey said with a sigh. Getting off their addictions while touring and feeling the weight of Paul's loss on everyone else too will be the toughest they’ve ever done… "Getting all that from you does help. Makes me feel wanted. On a… more primal way. And it sort of shuts the voices up about me being worthless… It will help on dealing with the side effects of getting sober too," he moved to hide in Jim's body, planting a kiss to the crook of his neck.

The voices were indeed quieter. They were only in the back of his mind, far, far away the thought lingered on, repeating how he was cheating on Paul and probably responsible for his death because he is a selfish dick who didn't care enough for Paul. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. It's not true… Paul wanted him to be with Jim too. He loved Jim too and wanted the two of them to be happy and carry on with his band.

"We are together for real," Corey whispered hugging Jim tighter.

Next chapter

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