It was strange for the wolf to navigate without his eyes closed and not see anything, to be surrounded by darkness but it was the best sight he could have since there were no hallucinations and his sleep had been without dreams. Though he suspected that was more because of Stiles' magic than his mind being kind to him. The sound of running water already told him what to do so when he got the go ahead, he inhaled, preparing himself for the pain as he tried his best to dull it through the bond.

There was nothing pleasant about washing the wounds, his legs trembled as he flushed out the ruined sockets, his stomach protesting while he felt lightheaded. Derek kept rushing water in them though until he couldn't anymore, until he felt like he was about to meet up with the ground. Gripping the sink tightly, he breathed a few times before he lifted his head.

"I had to use mountain ash to make sure it wouldn't heal too quickly." It was too late for his sight now.

Stiles led him to sit down on the toilet with its lid closed and he sat down on it without protest so Stiles had easier access. "It's better this way, the hallucinations stopped so don't be sad for me." Jennifer had healed the alpha of all alphas with one touch so he knew it wasn't going to be forever but it had asked a lot out of her so it was something for much later. "I'll always know where you are and I look good with sunglasses."

Stiles' short chuckle to that comment sounded quite hysterical so he abruptly cut himself off. No matter how much Derek tried to dull the pain, Stiles' eyes were red and burning as if he had rubbed chili peppers into them. He washed his hands then sniffed one more time then steeled himself for the sight. Even with the cleaner face it wasn't pretty. Where Derek's gorgeous green eyes used to be, there were only two gaping holes. No eyelids yet. But at least the bleeding seemed to have slowed nearly to a halt.

Stiles had to pull a stool closer to sit down and take a few deep breaths through his mouth as his trembling hands began cleaning and disinfecting Derek as gently as he could. Soon he pressed his lips into a thin line and he stayed silent because he was afraid if he opened his mouth, he'd rattle apart at the seams. He watched helplessly as the portion of his magic which he couldn't contain skidded down along his fingers and seeped into Derek's skin around and in the empty sockets. He didn't try to stop it only because he knew and saw that the magic was helping him heal.

He didn't say a thing for a good five minutes until he finished the cleaning. By then he managed to pull himself together more or less and the bleeding completely stopped too, so that was a plus.

"I'll bandage them now. It should be fine. The bleeding has stopped. My magic was already helping you heal. Drink this potion. It'll help as well," he took Derek's now clean hand and put a small glass bottle in it. "It's bitter, but works wonders on wounds," he said with some sort of dark amusement in his voice as he glimpsed down on his own bandages.

He waited only until Derek drank the potion then finished putting a bandage over his eyes and head. "Just give me a sec and we can get out of here," he mumbled and started peeling off his own bandages to make a quick work of disinfecting and wrapping his arm up again. Only one of the wounds bled a bit earlier so that was good. The new layer of healing balm would probably solve that problem too.

"You should take some of my healing when we're balancing, you're in pain." Derek hesitated to comment on the emotions he tasted coming from the human, because Stiles wasn't the only one barely holding it together. It wasn't fair to him to have to go through this with only the werewolf as company and two druids as dubious back up. They had been abandoned a long time ago, but in moments like these that became painfully obvious. There were a few of the parents left, taking care of Beth while they constantly ran from one emergency to the next but there was nobody there to help Stiles hold it together, only a human and a crazed werewolf. It made him sad to realize, it made him want to be better so he could give Stiles all he deserved, to be cherished and never to feel this alone again.

Instead he was useless, added stress and pain to their lives together, the uncertainty of a future, a bleak promise of love. It had been a long time since he had felt like this, so utterly like a failure, a bother. And Derek knew that the fact Lucifer himself had shown interest in him, that he knew angels by name, it meant something right? Yet it hadn't gotten him nothing but trouble. In the end, he had been, once again, used because he had been there.

"You're... suffering. And I keep making it worse. But I'm selfish and I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to feel another loss. I'm sorry... I'm trying for you." Trying wasn't enough when Derek was failing though, it was only a disappointment.

Derek touched the bandage, knowing it was probably going to be healed by tomorrow but he had no idea what the eyes were going to look like, the mountain ash had burned away everything. He was going to miss books, reading was hard with the alpha eyes and he spoke many languages but braille wasn't one of them.

A bitter smile pulled at Stiles' lips as he threw out the bloody gauze and cotton pads into the trash can under the counter and quickly packed away some things before washing his hands again. "I'll be fine. I always am, after a while," he shrugged. Not that Derek would see that. Or the sadness in his eyes. Or anything at all... "And you'll never lose me," Stiles walked back to him and put a hand on a broad shoulder. He had noticed that since the hallucinations stopped, he was able to touch Derek easier and his mind was clearer somewhat. He just hoped these were going to stay like this. Or get more frequent.

"I know you're sorry and you're not a burden to me. You're my mate and I love you. I'll do everything in my might and then some more to help on you. Even if I have weak moments. I can promise you that. And as flattering as it sounds that you're trying for me, please, try it for both of us. But most importantly for yourself. You are whole now. It had its price and is taking a toll on both of us, but we have to stay strong. We have to get through this so we can go back to our daughter and really start our life together. I want that. I want to do everything we planned. Making a real home for us, for our life together as a real family. Those plans and our love are what keep me going. As Morrell once quoted Churchill to me years ago... 'If you're going through hell, keep going.' I found her advice quite useful. Maybe you should try to take it too," the pale man said then gently squeezed Derek's shoulder.

"Come, let's do the balancing on the bed. This time I want to cuddle you all along," he whispered, but his voice sounded a bit calmer and firmer than before. It seemed reminding himself of those dreams was still working and once the magic will be more in balance again, that was going to help find his own equilibrium as well.

He took Derek's hand and put it on his shoulder to guide him out of the bathroom and to the bed. "Do you still need your corner or is it okay like this too?" he asked, hesitating for a moment if he should get their pillows and cover from the floor or not. If Derek still needed to hide away, maybe he could suggest pushing the bed into said corner.

Derek had been in Hell for three decades and he had kept going. To be honest, he was tired, exhausted to keep going. Every day was this struggle. Pain became normal, blood part of his life so much that at times it was all he could smell. Now there were two reasons not to give up, one of them was right here and the other was at the Stilinski house so he wasn't going to just stop fighting but wasn't he allowed some days of not having to fight? How long had he told himself that it was going to get better, that he only had to hold on a little while longer and it would be different? It never was though, it never ended and the loft was going to be an unfinished building forever until it was a forgotten relic.

"I've went through Hell, for over fifty years. Marin doesn't know what she's talking about." Derek's soul was an old man’s and age had gotten even more complicated because of it. The fact was, he was done with everything at the moment, the thought of fighting even longer, even only a day made him feel desperate. Couldn’t everything just stop for a while? Couldn't they have like a month together where nothing mattered but them spending time together without having to fear for their lives? If he had eyes, they would be burning with unshed tears.

He was just so tired.

Quietly the wolf let Stiles manhandle him over to where he assumed the bed was and honestly, now that he couldn't see, everything felt even more open, a wall would remind him where he was. "We can push the bed in the corner. I... still need walls." After the ritual he wanted to sleep, sleep and forget and have the days pass without remembering. But there were potions to drink and responsibilities and everything else. Sleep was selfish, sleep was not what Stiles needed of him.

"It's okay, I was thinking of pushing the bed there too," Stiles said hoarsely. He could feel Derek's desperation and tiredness as his own. Because he felt like that too, but at least one of them had to keep pushing forward, to carry the other. Even if hope was so elusive and it would be so much easier to give into the darkness.

Life was unfair, a constant hard struggle. Stiles had learned that early on in his life. He had to grow up quickly to take care of his dad. Then to take care of a pack of misfits. Now he had to take care of Derek. But he had told him the truth. Derek wasn't a burden for him. None of the people he had to take care of felt like that to him along the way. Ever. Maybe it was the way his unusual brain or personality was wired. Maybe it was the Spark in him all along. Or the combination of both. He couldn't tell, but it was just how he was. And if his mate needed carrying, Stiles was going to do that too. Even if he breaks a little bit more. Even if he is tired and exhausted to the bone as well.

So that's why Stiles didn't comment on Derek dismissing the advice or how the wolf felt so close to giving up all together. He'll do the heavy lifting. He can do it. Void is wrong. He is strong. He has to.

Stiles picked up the pillows and cover and tossed them on the bed before moving one of the night stands out of the way. "Okay, I'll need some muscle power help," he said, not detailing that he didn't want the wounds on his arm to re-open from the strain. "Just help me push it forward," he said after placing Derek's hands on the edge of the bed.

Luckily they didn't have to push it far so they were done in no time. Stiles made the bed for them and helped Derek lay down before he too did the same, nuzzling to the wolf's warm side. He let that familiar warmth seep into him for a moment before lifting his good hand with the rune on it and aligned it with Derek's. Both runes immediately started burning and glowing, power humming between them.

"Okay, here we go. Just remember that it's me and my magic. We won't harm you. I promise."

They were both exhausted, done with the day which had only started, done with the week, the month and the year. It was good to feel it though, it reminded Derek that he couldn't give up, he couldn't put even more strain on Stiles. He was barely a man, too young for any of this so Derek needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and push on. It was what he was good at, that's what he always did. What he hated because it was a very lonely and rough existence and exactly why Stiles shouldn't have to go through that either. It wasn't Stiles' job to protect him, it was Derek's job.

So when their arms aligned and their runes pressed together, he hoped he had stopped being such a depressing wolf so he wouldn't harm Stiles even more than he already had. Derek had been a terrible mate since they have started this, Stiles was just too selfless to realize it.

This was okay, this was safe, this was for Stiles, he needed this, he needed Derek to keep himself together. That's what he kept repeating to himself while the felt the magic trickle up to his arm, what he kept repeating when his breathing picked up and his heartbeat was hammering away in his chest. Derek couldn't be a whimpering broken mess, this was for Stiles, he had to keep his cool. The scent was okay, it was only magic, it wasn't Lucifer, it was only Stiles. He was scared though, so scared that he barely dared to breathe while he did his best to be strong for his mate.

The hand not being held clutched at the bedding as he let the magic invade because he had to. They had to. Stiles had suffered enough because of him. Stop being such an idiot.

Weakling, letting a human carry all his baggage like that. Failure. As always.

"Shhh... it's okay, Derek. It's only me. I've got you. Focus on me," Stiles whispered, burying his head into the warm neck to let the familiar scent surround him. His bandaged up arm was gently and rhythmically caressing Derek's chest in an attempt to ground and calm him while the magic was flowing back and forth between them. He put extra effort into keeping that flow steady, not to overwhelm Derek. His heart was breaking for his wolf because Stiles could feel Derek's struggle. He remembered their previous magic transfers. Some were overwhelming, nearly too much, but basically a positive experience for both of them – even with Derek getting high as a kite at times. And now... now Stiles could feel the overwhelming fear, the discomfort during the process that shouldn't make Derek feel like that. Because Stiles was magic. And with that in mind, it was as if Derek feared his mate himself. Which was... It hurt.

But instead of letting that feeling overtake Stiles, the druid kept caressing Derek's chest and thought of all the warm moments they had spent together. "Focus on my love for you. Let it flow into you," he murmured as he closed his burning eyes and inhaled Derek deeper. Their bonds were wide open. Maybe a little bit dimmer than usual, but still strong and the ritual was a perfect opportunity for Stiles to let his love slowly trickle through their connection along with a few happy memories.

Like making out on the backseat of the Camaro. Giving Beth her first puppy, Fenrir on Christmas day. The little girl falling asleep between them on the bed while they were watching something on Netflix. The way Derek looked at him over her head before they exchanged a soft and warm kiss. How Derek came up behind him while he was cooking dinner by the stove and scented his neck, making Stiles pull his shoulders up and giggle since the stubble tickled him. Small, but for Stiles meaningful memories. Times when he felt so in love with Derek. And the warmth of that love was flowing through their bonds in an attempt to help Derek. To remind him that not everything was so dark. That the sparks will always be there to guide them.

Maybe Derek had hoped the magic transfer would be like the last times: overwhelming, taking away anything he should be aware of but it was a balancing and there wasn't too much magic yet so it was different. Maybe the magic sensed the hesitance Derek had to receive it, the deep-rooted fear he felt not exactly for the magic since Lucifer hadn't used that but the scent it had, the feeling of heat much like fire. And fire? That was something he couldn't even think about without losing the ability to breathe. It wasn't Stiles the werewolf feared, it was the fact he had no control over anything.

The memories being fed to him, the emotions bleeding into him, of course they sparked memories of his own because he had been in those moments as well, he had been part of them even though he couldn't cling to them the way Stiles could. Other memories overshadowed the good ones, like Elizabeth dead, Stiles dead. Everybody gone, his throat raw from screaming in pain, echoing around him and always unanswered. He didn't want those to get to Stiles so Derek clutched at what Stiles offered him instead as if they were his own and maybe that wasn't the right way to go about it but it was better than the alternative.

Derek focused on Stiles' breathing, on his scent, on his ever-present and loud heartbeat, the salt of his tears as he remembered for them both. It eased the way for the magic to settle within him, tentatively spreading along his body as if it was exploring a new home.

It was good, it made Derek feel better and the fear eased up, slowed the panicked heartbeat. It wasn't the dark Derek feared though, it was at least familiar. It was the light which showed all the broken parts and reminded him of everything. Not Stiles though, Stiles was stupid and annoying and too smart and never ever stopped talking or pushing and Derek hated the way the human knew how to read him so perfectly as much as he loved him for it. Stiles was home so Derek clutched at that little lifeline, his life depended on it.

The stroking on Derek's chest slowed then stopped in favor of Stiles' hand clutching tightly at another shirt of his he had lent to his mate to feel safer and have more of his scent on him. He ignored the dull stabs of pain in his bandaged up arm, which in turn reminded him that he was supposed to borrow some of Derek's healing while he could. Before the wolf was going to be weakened for his own good and healing. Stiles was hesitant about the borrowing, but when he finally felt Derek's fear and panic ebb down and the magic was close to balancing out, he sighed a small hot and relieved breath into Derek's neck which was a bit damp from Stiles' tears.

With a sniffle or two, he concentrated on finding a healing thread and as gently as he could, he tugged on it so its force could work on the scabbed over slashes, making his skin warm up and tingle.

"I need you just as much, Derek. I cannot lose you too..." he whispered, pressing his eyes tighter together. "Not when you're finally mine. Not ever. I love you. I need you," Stiles repeated barely audible, holding onto his mate nearly desperately.

He cannot do this without Derek. Their lives and emotions were too entwined. He cannot live without Derek anymore. He couldn't bond himself to anyone else but this stubborn silent wolf. He didn't need or want anyone else. Just Derek. Always Derek. After all... he was the love of his life, as it turned out. Without him... it would only be darkness.

"I know, I know. I don't want you to lose me. I don't want to put you through more of that kind of pain. I promise I won't take my life no matter how bad it gets." It was insane how much Derek was depending on Stiles so quickly after their first kiss. Obviously Stiles already had been important to him, he had been his anchor for years because he had been the one person to count on. The one person to come save Derek no matter how much of an ass he had been, the one to read Derek or to pester him long enough to know how to read him. The one who bossed him into doing better, the one Derek had trusted despite not trusting anyone.

So he had to trust him now, when all that really made sense was the human himself, when everything was crumbling around him. It was hard though, his emotions were all over the place, rapidly switching as much as the sanity of his mind did, probably something that was part of going insane.

Inhaling deeply, he knew tomorrow wouldn't be like today, taking his eyes was only to keep the current hallucinations at bay, and the potions were going to keep him from doing harm to others since he was dangerous. But for now, right at this very moment, there was some peace.

"I don't remember it all, and nothing makes sense and I know tomorrow or even later today I will not be as clear-headed as I am now but I'm sure that I love you." It was the one thing he could give his mate, the one thing to keep some kind of light in the darkness for Stiles. Something to make all of this misery worth it in the long haul.

That promise of not taking his own life and Derek's last words were what really mattered to Stiles. He had to cling to those to be able to get through this. To stop himself from breaking down. As much as he was Derek's anchor, Derek was his. He took strength from this man – who was the strongest one he's ever known. Because no matter what life threw at Derek Hale, he always found a way to stand up and keep going. Stiles admired that in him. He was similar. They were kindred spirits in this regard. Maybe it was one of the reasons why they ended up as a bonded pair. They went through so many things individually and together too that there was a deeper understanding between them, which probably no one else could comprehend.

The slender fingers tightened around the shirt again and this time there was no pain in his forearm. The healing finished, the magic balanced out, so he let go of the healing thread and began closing their connection. He just hoped that his love for Derek would linger in the wolf for a while to give him as much comfort as Stiles' presence.

"Good. I'll need to hear and feel that so keep that in mind, Sourwolf," he kissed into Derek's neck, letting his lips linger on the steadily throbbing pulse point. It was an instinctual gesture that often managed to calm wolves. "And it's okay. We'll eventually get through this. We'll help your mind's healing. We always find a way. I promise. You're not alone in this, Derek. You'll never be alone again," he finally lifted his head and just when the connection closed and the burning in their runes ebbed down, he pressed a soft kiss against his love's lips.

Stiles didn't even notice that he didn't have to constantly chant during the balancing.

Never being alone anymore was kind of the problem. Loneliness was something Derek was used to and it was in a way comforting not to have anybody depend on him. At least that way he could make mistakes without ending lives, without being the cause of others getting hurt because of him. That scared him the most, to have a family or a pack and to make himself vulnerable just to lose them. Derek had no idea if he could handle more losses like that. Probably not. And there was much to lose right now, mate and daughter. If it had been only his own life, well that was fine but it would kill Stiles as well and leave his daughter an orphan. It wasn't an option.

Quietly the wolf settled in because Marin hadn't brought the potions yet so there was nothing for them to do but to wait for this moment of clarity to pass, a calm before the storm, a moment to cherish because who knows when they'd get another one. Derek had too little control over anything to know his triggers.

The ruined eyes had stopped hurting during the balancing of the magic, there were lashes to brush against the bandages, there were eyelids to move eyeballs behind, there were actual eyeballs again. It was fast, too fast maybe. Though if his eyesight had been restored, they could try to see if bandaging like this would work as well on the hallucinations. It reminded him that yes, he should have thought of that before, he should have discussed what he was going to do with Stiles to see if there was another way to blind him. He was a genuine idiot.

"We should sleep some more." Anything to make the time move faster, anything to not have to think and hopefully dream.

Stiles thought that the balancing would give him some energy, but it seemed, he was too exhausted both physically and mentally so he didn't protest against some more sleep. He could tell that Derek shared his opinion at the moment that sleeping would be a good escape from the situation they were struggling with and had to find a solution to. Plus, they both were indeed exhausted from everything going on and also from last night. Not to mention that it was probably even more severe in Derek's case with the mental strain that has been put on him since the return of his soul.

The younger man knew that it wasn't going to be easy. He prepared as much as he could, but this was hard even to his standards. And he wanted to enjoy the clear moments with his mate a little while longer, not knowing when that was going to happen again since he and the other two druids were planning on subduing Derek in order to let him heal. His mind drifted towards those plans, trying to map out the possibilities, but he found his swollen eyelids slowly close while he was resting his head over Derek's heart again. The steady thumping lulled him closer to sleep despite the worries rooted deep in his heart.

He refused to feel hurt from Derek responding only with the suggestion of more sleep, because he understood why he said that. He knew how hard it was for his mate to stay sane. He couldn't blame him for wanting to have some more of the blissful dreamless sleep. Or at least Stiles hoped it was going to be like that for Derek, because now he didn't use his powers on him.

The balance was back, the constant pressure caused by the building up magic gone. He was going to be able to hold the magic on his own for a while – unless there was a surge on the horizon. He really hoped that wasn't the case because then he was going to be screwed. And not in the good way...

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