The Cage [Dave, PG-13, dark/angst]
Useless-girl 2010.06.19. 20:37
After watching "Natural born killers" and listening to some NIN this came out of me...
Recommended song: Nine Inch Nails – Right where it belongs
Character: Dave Gahan
You’re looking into her eyes, paralyzed. She’s behind the bars you’ve created to keep her away, to protect your sanity and the people you love. They don’t have to know that you have this animal, this beast inside of you. It’s a constant and silent battle you have with her in your mind. A power-game. Who will win? Will it end at all? Or will you fight against her until your last breath?
And you know it. You know it as you look into her cat-like eyes, glistening with an eerie silver light between the shadows. She looks back at you, sizing you up, waiting for something. Searching for your weak point. If she finds it, you know what’ll come, don’t you? The frenzy will begin. You’ll change and God help on those poor people who are around you in that moment! You know that – you’ve seen it through your own eyes, when you were unable to stop her, to take back control over your own body. You’ve hurt people. Badly. You felt ashamed – and you still regret for doing such horrible things.
But a part of you maybe thought that they’ve deserved it. Yes, they did. You were alone, weak, vulnerable and no one said a good word to you. You just wanted to please them, to grab their attention. You just wanted them to love you. Some of them did, some of them lied. And even those who loved you, used you sometimes. And you let them exploit you, you gave your heart and love to them. You were desperate. Pathetic. You saw yourself reaching out with both hands, but grabbing just thin air. No one was there. You were left alone in the dark. You were stuck in your own world, your personal darkness – with her. She’s never left you. She’s been always there for you. Waiting for her time to come. And you struggled with her for fuckin’ long years. Those were difficult, tough fights. Sometimes you wished you could be dead so it would finally end.
But you stayed. You came back and looked at the world through this thin transparent wall, which kept you an outsider. It has been always like that. You could be a part of the world, your life, but this wall was always like some kind of a glass in front of you, sometimes – when you wanted to smash it or get through it – it was pressed, rubbed into your face, but you didn’t notice that the picture became blurred, defocused in these cases. That it made things look more inviting and brighter than they truly were. And you let them fool you. You let them drag you deeper into the shit you were already sitting in. There was no hope left for you. And deep inside you knew it, but you’ve willingly or unwillingly put it aside, living just for the pleasures and desires – the only things which still seemed to work for you, which could bring some color and emotions into the dry desert of your soul.
You were suffering alone there, running in the deep sand, chasing after something you didn’t really remember what it was and she – like your shadow – was right behind you. You were running from her, trying to get rid off her. But you were bound together. She belonged to you and you belonged to her since your childhood when she came alive from your childish fears, growing bigger and stronger with every mistake, failure, lack of love and year, while you tried to deny her existence. She slowly grew over you and the control slid out of your hands. You were terrified, scared to death, when she let her claws out and scratched into your brain, your sanity and the closest person to you.
You were confused. You didn’t really know which side you were on. Were you really mad? Was it just an illusion? Or your life, everything you’ve built up and fought for was the illusion? You even asked yourself whether life itself was just a fucking illusion with a great graphic.
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?
You hummed this song a lot when you were alone, sitting on the floor in the middle of the night when you couldn’t sleep, when insomnia paid a visit again. You smoked and stared at the floor in front of you, seeing nothing. Absolutely nothing. You were empty. You tried to suppress her constant growling with the crooning. Hoping that she’ll finally stop one day. But it was false hope, like always. By that time you knew her quite well. You’ve seen her black flame-like body and sharp little teeth. She’d imprinted herself into your mind.
You could see her in your bloody nightmares. Not able to wake up, feeling like suffocating in the darkness and the river of blood. It was her fault. It was your fault. You couldn’t stop it, she didn’t want to stop it. She wanted you to know that she’s always there, watching you, torturing you, eating up your life, your energies. You sat up, sweat running down your forehead, panting. You reached for your pills and drugs to suppress her, to get away from reality, which was slowly killing you. But it just made her stronger, it weakened you even more, giving her more opportunities to start the next frenzy.
You knew that people around you started to think you were crazy. You agreed with them.
You still think that way, but since then you have help. You’ve learned how to control her. Now you know how to benefit from her and give something in exchange for her. You live in a symbiosis. She became a part of you and you became a part of this beast. You’re getting better at it, still learning, but you’re on the right path. The road is still long and hard, but you’re not alone anymore to fight this war in your head. You won’t get rid off each other just after death… or who knows?
Now you’re looking her in the eye behind her mental cage. You’re calm and so is she. She’s like a reflection of you, mirroring the way you sit there in silence. Her constant growling got quieter since you’ve accepted her. She’s still that dangerous animal side of you. She’s your beast and you’re her demon. You belong together.
And it’s all… right where it belongs.