I Am You [Dave, angst, slash elements, NC-17]
U-girl 2011.06.21. 17:05
[Dave, angst, slash elements, NC-17]
Rating / Category: NC-17, angst, drama, slash elements
I Am You
We are sitting in the cold light of the dawn that crawls into the room like an unpleasant insect, not caring about our wish to stay in the soft and healing cradle of the night. The blue semidarkness before the first rays of the sun illuminates the quiet room with a strange light. It makes things harsher. The weight of our troubled soul lays heavier on our shoulders.
We look at each other in silence. A sad and somehow empty pair of dark eyes looks back at me. It’s one of those times again when our relationship goes through the “downs”. When will we get out from this hell and feel better? We should talk with each other to solve our problems but still we don’t say a word just stare at each other.
Only the sounds of a clock disturb the deep deadly silence that fell upon us. The room is a mess. Things are lying all around us – the result of a heated fight. We’ve been always like this – losing control easily when anger takes over us.
I look at you and you look back at me. You seem tired and I know you feel old. I feel the same. It’s your fucking birthday again. You’re nearly fifty, but you feel like a lost teenager who didn’t learn from his mistakes. Sometimes I blame you for this – well if I think deeper in it, not just sometimes. But now I have no strength to yell at you and shake you up from your depressed reverie.
I don’t understand you. I must confess, most of the time I even hate you. What else could you wish for? For the outside world you’re successful and beloved. You’re famous, you have money, millions of fans and admirers and beautiful children, a wife and Martin, the male love of your life. No one knows about him, just the close family. I know very well how long you two have been struggling and fighting during the last thirty years. Thirty fuckin’ years… But now you’re with him, in love with him from head to toe. Sometimes even I can feel it. The enormous love you feel towards him can warm me up a little. For a short while. Then I start to doubt myself…
So we’re sitting in this trap again. Is there an escape at all? At times I believe – or want to believe – that there is, we just couldn’t find it yet. But will we ever find it? Or are we damned to struggle and hate each other like this until our last breath in this lifetime? Maybe the experiences we gain together will help to get out of this fucked-up situation and self-hatred in our next time here on this sick Earth? I’ve been watching you. I know your feelings better than anyone else. I remember every single time you were sitting over your lyrics and songs, reading or listening to them and you were never sure that they were good enough. You didn’t feel like that and not because you’re a perfectionist. No, you aren’t really like that. You’re just simply not sure about yourself. We often laugh on the way most of the blind fans depict you in their fantasies – the macho perfectionist, the self-confident perfect lover…. We always wondered why they cannot hear what you’ve told during countless interviews. Why are they so blind?! Why don’t they want to hear your teachings? Yes, they are teachings. We try to help them open their eyes and look around them to see the real world, to see what surrounds them. To see the lies they are living in. There are a few people who do this, but most of them just simply ignore it and want to stay in their safe world that they know, imagining you the way they want, because they know that they will NEVER EVER know your true self. They go back to sleep and dream and serve their society like obedient slaves. And sometimes we just snap from this and cry and yell and destroy the furniture seeing how much they don’t care. At times we want to give up, sometimes we doesn’t see the point in helping them. Everything seems so useless and then we start to doubt ourselves. Is it our fault? Did we use the wrong methods? Weren’t we clear enough? Are we complete failures? Were all our efforts in vain? Or they are just not ready yet?
You went into the woods again with all these thoughts as you often do… Stay focused. Now this isn’t why we are sitting here opposite each other. (Although I have to admit that it’s a part of why we feel so miserable right now.) The bells of your self-pity are ringing now so loud that it cuts into my brain. Stop it, Dave! Now!
You look back at me with a slightly surprised expression on your worn out face – as if you forgot that I was still here. Did you? You should know it better than that. You should know that I’m always with you. And I always will, no matter whether you like it or not. Why do you look at me with such disgust all of a sudden? Don’t act as if I was a stranger! Don’t lie to yourself! What? You want to fight again? No, I feel you back out anew. I knew it, you coward. When will you finally change? When will you have the courage to face your demons? To face me? I’m still waiting and as I see in your eyes this isn’t the day either when you gather your courage to do so. No. It’s still easier to curl up and lick your wounds like a beaten-up dog. You’re good at it, aren’t you? Don’t fist your hands, you know it very well that I’m right…
Now we stand up and walk to each other until we are just inches away. You look back at me with hate and anger then you give up the fight and just close your eyes. No matter how much you hate me, you won’t get rid of me. Ever. Because I’m a part of you. You reach out your hand and I do the same – our fingers touch the cool surface of the mirror and I look back at you from the other side as we whisper:
“Because I am you and you are me…”