Useless-girl - "You Know I'm Grateful"
Useless-girl 2013.12.08. 20:07
Damon Salvatore / Shan John Rhys, SLASH elements, supernatural, PG-13
Note: This “letter” was inspired by the role-playing characters (Damon and Shan) my dear friend S.M.A. and I have been writing for more than two years now. They have a long and bumpy relationship with a lot of twists. You can get a little taste too about what has been going on with them in these past two years. I hope you’ll enjoy it. :)
Recommended album: Placebo – Loud Like Love
“You Know I’m Grateful”
It is funny how someone’s way of thinking changes through time. I guess this happens to everyone at some point. I remember how I tried to pretend that I didn’t need love – how I said love was only for the weak and the fool. I’ve always acted as if I had no real emotions, as if nothing could hurt me. This mask was constructed carefully and put on my face to protect and hide the real me. I loved to be seen as a bloodthirsty monster, a dangerous demon who would snap anyone’s neck if they got in my way. No one could fuck with the fearful psycho vampire. Children were taught to be aware of me, that I would come for them if they misbehaved. It was flattering really.
I became like this because of a terrible mistake that wasn’t mine to make. It wasn’t my choice to become a bloodsucker, a thief of countless lives. My dear selfish brother condemned all those souls to die by my hands and fangs sooner or later. No one could escape my hunger. Especially not those who became my victims during my killing sprees, when I switched off my humanity. Those sprees sometimes lasted for decades. All the hate that just intensified in me after every kill, after every pair of terrified eyes that have burned themselves into my bloodthirsty mind. I was nothing but a beast, a raw naked nerve of insatiable hunger.
I remember often waking up soaked in the blood of my victims until these periods shortened as I gained more and more power and control over my own actions. Was I hunted? Yes I was. But no one lived to take my head or stake me. Slowly the Damon Salvatore name became famous in some circles. Famous about his cruelty and twisted ways. I remained alive and alone. I liked being alone at that time – or so I thought.
For a long time my mind was hazy with the need to feed, but when I could think more and more clear I realized I had a new purpose: to free Katherine, my maker from the tomb that was located under the ruins of a church in that godforsaken Mystic Falls. And I was back at square one. I couldn’t stay away, because love weakened me again. As a human I was so blinded by my love for my maker that I couldn’t see through the games she’d been playing with me and my brother. But in fact she only ever loved Stefan. My oh so human-like brooding brother. The ladies’ man. If I was the heartbreaker among us then he was the brother who was always loved by every girl. He was the keeper and I was the substitute or the good lay. I wanted people to see me like that though. We could say I always had trust issues. At that time I’d left that damned town for good, too. There was no use to fight against the will of the universe. Doppelgangers that always ends up together, witches who tries to fry your brain, soul mates that see only each other, werewolves with bites that are lethal to you – I had enough. I needed a fresh start and soon I thought I’d finally found my happy ending too on the side of a man whom I could call husband for the first time in my eternal life. That was a twist no one could see coming! I was happy. Finally. But it didn’t last long.
And then I was alone again just going with the flow. The evenings found me in different bars where I went to be around people, cause trouble and occasionally fight with drunken guys just to feel something. But I was empty, not even hurting anymore since I could never really believe that I could be really happy once. I started to accept that this was my fate, my punishment for not dying when my time came. Like magic, cheating death always comes with a price.
I thought I’d seen everything and I was back at thinking love was bullshit and not my cup of tea. I hated the world intensely once again – until you came along in that no-name pub. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight – and as later turned out it was my fifth time meeting you – but there was something in you. Some wisdom, a look that could tell stories. Everything was there in those emerald eyes as you looked at me from across the bar. At that time I didn’t know that it was impossible for us not to cross each others’ path over and over again.
You were gorgeous and majestic as always, but now that I think back there was some insecurity in your familiar eyes too before you had decided to come over to talk to me. I’m sure you’d tried to guess what twisted game was destiny playing with you leading me back to you for the fifth time.
And to my biggest surprise soon the day came when I’d started to believe in soul mates and fate too, even if gods intervened and tried to tear us apart, even if I had no memories from the first four times together with you. I still felt that I was incomplete, that something was missing from my live – from my side. You.
My sweet prince. My king. My other half. My everything.
I cannot describe how happy you’d made me despite your curse that had poisoned each short time we had together, weakening me physically to the point where I went into a coma for long days and woke up forgetting everything about you, running away from you instinctively in order to survive. And leave you behind with a broken heart each time.
That’s the number of the times I broke your heart without knowing anything about it. I still cannot really imagine how hard it must have been for you to see me flee from you as if you were a monster. I know you’ve been blaming yourself all this time, but to me you were never a monster. Even when I used to feed you with my emotions and vital energies I had never thought of you like that. For me you were and are still perfect. I cannot imagine a day without you – well I had to when you’d sacrificed yourself for our family and the kingdom and were gone from us for long weeks. We were going through hell too without you. Especially Davante and me. But actually I was alone – just like you in that strange dimension your god took you – when Dav, our other husband broke down and let his warlock side take over. I never blamed you though for making this decision. I could perfectly understand you – like always.
And on one fine day you came back to us. You’d changed yes, but we all have changed a lot since we got together. The only thing that will never change is my burning and eternal love four you – and for our other soul mate Dav too, of course.
But you were my first true love, my other side and I cannot tell how happy I feel for you that you don’t have to be afraid ever again from draining me from my energies and memories. I know how much you had to suffer because of that. My heart was bleeding for you each time I saw you fighting with your powers inside to keep me safe. But it seems that our persistent love could indeed come over every hardship our relationship had to face.
It seems it’s not only my brother who picks up the pen to write down his thoughts, huh? I know you can feel all this through our bond, but I still have to write it down for you. You can call me old-fashioned if you like. I just think love letters – if you consider this one – are unique and sadly a dying genre in this modern world, but maybe that’s one of the reasons they will be even more valuable. See? I’m babbling now like the lovesick cat I truly am deep inside. That damned love made me a weak fool once again… but there’s not only weakness in love – it is empowering too. I feel strong and myself with you. Using those three words doesn’t do justice to what I really feel for you. But I’ll say it out loud anyway, just to see your sexy smile that always warms my heart and makes me want you even more:
I love you, Shan. Now and forever.