I was just sitting by my writing-table in the office, and was watching the running clouds on the sky. I couldn't concentrate. Actually I felt myself really like a piece of shit again. I looked awfully pale. I couldn't believe it still. The news from yesterday. Shocking news. Scary and unbelievable news. I was just sitting there and cockled my grey costume skirt. I've heard the dialog from yesterday clearly:
-Well, miss Hegedűs, here are the results, all black and white. I should inform you that you are expecting a baby, your embrio is in the 12th week, healthy and if you see the screen here, here is its heart, beating.
- But how? How?
- It occurs dear, it occurs.
- No, no, I mean, I was like I won’t be able to concieve a child, because of my condition.
- You can see with your own eyes a beautiful, healthy, living embrio, a future man.....
- But… Oh my God! – I couldn’t speak, I was just sitting there watching the picture with tears in my eyes. This can’t be possible! I thought, I’ll never have a baby! And now… now I was pregnant with HIS baby! There’s no doubt who’ll be the baby’s father. I felt happiness and sadness together.
I knew I should contact him somehow. But sure I can’t send a privy message on the DMMB for him. I've got no phonenumber, got no e-mail. I have got a phone number, yes, but his home number and what if Jen...
I was without advice and in turmoil. One was sure, I can't kill our baby. Suddenly it hit me, our baby, we are connected in the strongest way ever. I knew how much he like kids and I knew he is a firm believer in God, so he would say the same. Anyway, the sooner, the better to inform him, ’cause if he decides not wanting this child I should terminate this pregnancy. But will I enough strong to do that?
I wasn't able to concentrate anything during the office hours and when I finally got home calling him was the first thing to do. I was silently praying for him answering the call.
I was lucky.
- Yes? Here's Dave Gahan.
- Hi. It's me, your painter from Hungary - I started carefully. My voice was maybe a bit shaky, but we could say that it was the phoneline.
- Baby, is that you?
- Well, I am Natalia Hegedűs, the girl who painted...
- I know who you are. God I know. I was scared you would do something stupid, I was… I was like... I wanted to call you, but you didn’t want me…
- What? It's not true. Oh my God, oh, Dave… - and I started crying.
- Don't you cry, why haven't you called me earlier?
- ’Cause now I have a serious reason to call you.
- Are you sick, something happenned?
- David. I am having your child.
- I am having your child. And I want to know if you want me terminate the pregnancy? You have a right to make a decision, as...
- God no, no. It is not what I want. Keep it!
- Thank God, that you said this! I don't know I would have enough strenght to kill this little life inside me! - I groaned with my shaky voice.
- No, I never could ask this from no one! I'm not a killer.
- Yes I know, David.
- But... how is this possible? I thought you can't have a baby - he asked a bit excited.
- I know, but miracle happens. And this is one for me! You know how I was craving for a child. I'm just happy now. I know the situation isn't easy, but I'm so happy by the way. I just wanted to say this to you, 'cause these news are important, I think. I wanted to let you know.
- Thank you, darling, and please calm yourself - he said calmly.
- You don't need to do anything if you don't want to. I'll love the baby in place of two people, and raise him or her in love. So don't worry!
- Don't you want me? Being its father? Don't you want that?
- Oh, God, yes, I want it, of course, but as this is an unexpected child...
- Unexpected but it's not unwanted. Not unwanted by me. I am...well, suprised and all, but afterall it is a beautiful thing to become a father again. Don't you fear for a sec! Does your partner know it?
- Are you there? Has he left you?
- Dave, I… have no one, but you. I couldn't, I...
- That's right, Natalie. You haven't even told your name before, Natalie, it's such a nice name. That's right. May I see you?
- David, dunno, is this what…
- When you sent me away, left me there that way that was the thing I wanted to tell you, that you shouldn't do that, I, I could see you if you wanted..
- Just could? In past tense? Oh... sorry, I can't think normally. I'm really gimped up.
- No prob, hon. I want to see you. I want to know if you're alright.
- For tell the truth I'm not since you left - I replied in a reckless tone, but I wanted just to hide my sadness. Sometimes I wonder how changeable feelings I have. I jump from a mood to another.
- I have to arrange all these in myself too, but don't leave home on Friday, ok? I should go to Paris anyway and I jump over, I'll be there around late evening.
- All right, David, I'll be waiting for you. Bye - I said with a little smile on my face and put the phone down.
I was so happy, that he wasn't angry with me... yet. And he didn't want to intermit my pregnancy. I think I would be going crazy if he asked that. I loved this baby already more than my own life. I will protect him or her from everything. My little precious treasure. It was a big wonder for me that God smiled down at me and let what I always wanted! Tears of joy were falling from my eyes again as I stroked my tummy softly.
It was so unbelieviable that Dave Gahan is the father of my future child. The man of my dreams, who won't belong to me entirelly, but I would see him time to time.
I had two long working days before Friday. I nearly died from this two boring day! My workmates - including a woman who was a really good friend of mine - asked what's with me, but I didn't tell a word from the truth. First I must speak with David about this too. How much I can tell for my acquaintances. I don't wanted to bring him in a comfortless situation.
Friday came and my heart was beating harder in every second. I bought some food and was cooking in the kitchen something tasty for dinner. Maybe Dave will be hungry from travelling. I hope he'll like my cooking skill. I wanted everything to be perfect.
I was still doing the last steps with the food when the doorbell made a sound. My heart was beating suddenly so hard that I nearly taken bad. But I reached the door with the light-yellow dickey on me what I totally forgot to take off.
And there was him, standing in the door, smiling, holding a huge teddy-bear in his arms.
- Hello, Dave. I'm glad to see you again - I smiled and invited him in after a shy little kiss on his face.
- The same goes by me! Here, I leave this little gift for you till our baby can start to play with it.
- Oh, you're kind, Dave. Come in and take a seat - I replied with a smile on my face and led him into the living room. I put the teddy-bear into an armchair and took off my dickey. Dave was watching me.
- Nothing special. Come on, let me see you from closer. Don't be afraid, I don't bite.
I smiled again and stood in front of him.
- You're thinner and more paler - he diagnosed and stroked my tummy softly. - How do you stand it?
- Well, David, do ya want another boy? I've got nausea all the time. It's said boys do this with you.
- A boy? Anything can come but a puppy! Any names you want?
- Da-vid, Da-vid and if it would be a girl, then Da-vid. I love you.
- Don't say silly things! You can't do this with a girl! - he laughted and lifted my slim pullover's end and pulled it a bit upper. He wanted to touch my bare skin on my flat tummy.
- OK, I was just joking. I don't have much ideas yet. But I want to know your tips too. Theoretically you're the father, you've the right.
- Theoretically? I hope you mean physically. I am not great with names, Jack got his name because of his grandfather, Rosie, well, it was Jen's choice. Dunno, it would be strange for me if we'd call it David. But if you want it, and I know why do you want it and I understand it.
- Yes of course I ment it physically. I wasn't with another man after you. I couldn't - I runned my right soulder - Anyway, we can decide the baby's name later. We have time.
- Yes, time works for the growing tiny tot here - he said softly and kissed my skin while he put his arms around my waist. My fingers stroked his hair. He looked up at me.
- Come to the kitchen. I've made some food. Maybe you're hungry. And we should talk...
- Yeah, I am starving, what is it for dinner, Natalie?
I turned my head - So good to hear you saying my name in your beautiful voice.
- Honey, you would do this all the time, I am already feel intimidated and at a loss.
- You'll see what I have done in the kitchen. I hope it will be tasty. I can't eat much lately.
We went to my kitchen where my table was prepaired.
- I know that you like fish and chips to eat, but unfortunately I can't stand the fish's smell lately, sorry dear, so I decided to cook nothing special. Just a clear soup with my mothers recipe, and rice mixed with meat. I hope you like it.
- Don't worry, I'm sure you can cook well. And don't be afraid of me. I'm a normal man who eats everything when he's hungry! So please give me from that soup. And tell me what do you want to speak about.
I nodded and put the warm soup on the table.
- So first I have a question. What would you say to Jenny? Or you want to keep it in a secret? I didn't dare to say anything about the situation for no one.
- Well, I was braining on it already a lot and still not sure of the answer. Jen probably can take it, but I am reluctant to give her unwanted and unnecessary pain. She would accept it, but would hurt her, so I think I am not telling her. Not now, at least. The public of course strict no, no. Because of you and because of the little one. Their harrassing is really painful, literally, at times. So, though I would not give a damn if they would know that it is Dave Gahan's kiddo, still I advice you to keep it low profile. What do ya think? This way of course, you should find out what you would tell to the people in your enviroment. But it would be my child, would bear my surname and I would take care of it and will give it everything my other kids get.
- I know, that public isn't a question. I thought on my two friends, but I think it's better not to tell them neither. I can keep it. But if you want to keep it in a "secret", what do you think what would people say here in Hungary with a surname like "Gahan"?
- I can't help it, this is my name, and all my childrens' name and about 45000 other people's name in the United Kingdom who all are of Irish origin. I bet we could find even here in Hungary somebody with this name. I hope you won't mind. I'd feel as a real father of it if it would have my name.
- Sure, David, I am happy and proud that you are the father of our child, it would have your name, your full name if it's possible.
- Here, kids give you the infinity, forever living. Maybe you die, but you live in your children and their children as long as the world collides. I wanted to tell you already. I wasn't sure at first, but as time went by I began to realise that short period of time we spent together meant much more to me than a fling and I'd been immensly sad you rejected me when I approached to you.
- Yes, I'm sorry that I made you sad. And it's true happiness for me to hear this from your lips - I was stiring my little soup. I hadn't ate much, but I didn't care. The most important was that my child's father was here with me for a few hours. - But I felt that this was wrong, that it was useless to do what we've done. I was totally weak because of my emotions. I defend myself ways like that.
- But see? You don't need to defend yourself from me - he smiled and finished his soup - Now let me tell you that this was the most delicious soup I've ever ate!
- Thank you, my dear. In my childhood my mother did this quite often. I loved it. But her's was much better. I'm sorry that you can't taste her's...
- Why? Where's your mother?
- She’s dead for a long time now. She was hit by a car, and ended up on a lifesupport machine... Strange, huh? Martin was right, God's got really a sick sense of humor... That's why your song, Blasphemous Rumours takes a special place in my heart.
- I'm sorry, hon. I didn't want to hurt you.
- No problem, it has happened a long time ago. I just feel sorry and sadness when I think about it. I loved her very mutch. She was my strongest backup - I said quietly and took Dave's soup plate away, and brought the rice&meat. He picked quite a lot, I was smiling.
- That's the moter’s duty fundamentally. How old was you when she passed away?
- Nearly 17.
- And now? Can I ask it?
- Sure. I'll be 28 in two months.
- Still quite young - he smiled - Doesn't disturb you that I'm much older?
- God in Heaven, no way! - I smiled - I love you as you are. And anyway I always loved the older men. As I think, I had nearly always older pairs. I think I searched for saftyness in their arms, and wanted to guide my way a bit because of my father.
- Is he dead too?
- No, he still lives somewhere, but I hadn't seen him for years. I was pretty small when he've left my mother and me, and I never had a really father.
- So you hadn't got an easy childhood - he replied after he swallowed the food and looked at me with symphaty in his eyes. - So you don't have any other relatives? Grandparents? How could you carry on alone in such a young age?
- I don't really have anybody. That's why I've told you two days ago, that I haven't got anybody, but you. You know, I was working hard and finished school next to it. After 3 years I managed to collect so much money that I could go for a University. I wanted to train myself for a better work. And after it I managed. This house was my mother's, I renewed it a bit and I'm still living here.
- You're a pretty strong woman. You suffered a lot too. I can understand now better how heavy could it have been when you've been told that you couldn't had a baby neither. So our child'll be a big miracle in your life, won't it?
- Yes, that's true, I can't tell you how happy I'm now. You made me happy!
- I'm glad and I'm gald too because you'll be my youngest child's mother - he softly grabbed my hand which was laying on the table. I just smiled with watery eyes at him. He couldn't really understand how important is this baby for me, just I know that.
- How is the rice? - I asked instead.
- Really delicious. You can cook very well!
- But you hadn't eat much. You should.
- I know, but I'm not hungry. I can't eat too much lately.
I saw on him, that he didn't like this, but he neighter said a word.
But he was really scared when I jumped from the table and rushed to the loo, throwing up the empty nothing inside me. I was still puking, when he lowered himself onto his knees, combed my hair from my face and held my forhead to ease my pain.
- Baby, baby - he soothed me softly.
Maybe after 5 minutes I blured the tears from my eyes which were there because of the strain by the reching. I was ashamed of myself, still feeling unwell.
- Yes, it's the cause. See... now you can see, that... I didn't lie.
- Why do you say this? I never thought on this.
- Nothing... s... - but I couldn't finish my sentence, 'cause another rech came. I hated the thought that he saw me in a way like this. I tried to put his and away. - I can handle... with this. I'll be better in minutes - I wiped my mouth with a piece of toilet paper.
- Maybe, you should see a doctor, there are good ways to treat this.
- No - I shook my head as I was washing my mouth and drank a glass of water - No way, I am, I am doing this all the time, every day, I think I...I am scared.
- You come with me, hear? You come...
- Where? Where do you want to take me? - I looked at him questioning through the mirror after I spat a gulp of water and put my toothbrush back to it's place.
He didn't say a word only embraced me silently.
- You should know where to - he whispered to my ears - You should know it, into a safe haven of a kind, not letting you live on your own, all alone in this world. Give it a thought, just consider it for a minute, please, for our child and your safety. Don’t wanna push you, I won't ask to much, just to be near to me.
"It can't be true! Is he really inviting me to... Oh my God, that would be so great. But can I put such an influence on his life? And what sould I do there? I should really leave my home, my land, my past to be by his near? Should I give up everything here? And what if I say no? Living alone here? And? I acclimatized to this in the past. But... I don't want to be alone anymore if there's a little ray of light for me till our child will born" - I thought while I grabbed his clothes on his back tightly and was covering my head into his chest. After a few minutes I looked up in his softly glazing eyes.
- All right then, we will go with you...
- Good - he said calmly, holding me by my shoulders - It would be better for all of us. Natalie, I can't really express my feelings, I'm in a turmoil myself, but If you come we would have more chance to be together and getting to know each other, and me having a chance to look after you, and taking care of you. This is what fathers do, don't they?
- I myself never had one, but I guess you've right - I whispered quietly - I want to thank you.
- For what? - he stroked my face.
- For all the trouble you are and you will going thorugh because of the baby and me. I don't want to harm you in any way, and I'll try to be unvisible for the world in New York too, as I always was here.
- Now, you see, you've misunderstood something. I won't hide you. You are existing, I won't hide you. I am not ashamed to hide you. I made the offer because you are important to me. You two come with me - and with one hand he caressed my tummy-, and I will rent an appartman for you near me. Not so near for you to feel uncomfortable, but near enough for me to meet you anytime I want and help you if it's necessary. I have one in mind, already, light and aery, you can paint there, if you want to.
I held my tears back, I was just standing in his arm, and feeling the other warm on my tummy, and I felt myself suddenly really happy. I was so glad that my child's father is a man like him, that I can give a present for him, a part of myself!
And his idea was running through my head and I liked it. I always liked to draw and paint. Maybe I should give a try there. I knew that my eyes were shining happily.
- Do you have only good ideas about us and the future? 'Cause I like this one about painting too. I was thinking about what to do there, but this option sounds good. I'll not ungrateful, I promise.
- Ungrateful! Again! Please, understand me. I am not superior to you just because I happen to be Dave Gahan. I am the man you love, all right, and I am the father of our child. I do this because I can. You shouldn't be grateful. I just want to see you happy, right? Just happy! I should be grateful, you give me something I lost some time ago. Aliveness. Feeling alive, being able to take care, being able to feel loved.
- Taking care suits you David - I smiled at last - All right, I calmed myself down. I understand you, it's just in my nature acting like this, or it's because of my past, I don't really know. But I feel much better now that I can have trust in the future, and I can find the baby and me in much more safety. But now, let's go out of the bathroom, we don't need to stand here. I'll be OK from now. Untill I try to eat something again. Food just can’t stay in.
- We should see a doc immediately we arrived to NY, I don’t want to see you being harmed. You'd better pack your things now and I arrange a flight ticket and a Visa for you to the states. The plane will leave 20:30 tomorrow evening. Until you can arrange things here, announce your leave at your firm and stuff, saying goodbye to friends.
- Okay, Dave, ur the boss!
- Hah, at last, I can be...
And I sat down in the living room and started to phone. I called first my boss. He wasn't happy and he tried to stop me with the 3 months waiting before I can leave my office. I tried to explaine my situation, but he wasn't really nice. Maybe later I'll tell it to Dave, and we can do something about it. He was out in the kitchen and packed the dinner away. I called my friends and said goodbye to them. They were surprised, but I was it too. It was a big step in my life. I decided, that I'll pack my things together tomorrow morning. Now I felt myself too tired to do that.
- Dave, dear, I pack my things tomorow, I am not quite well right now. My tummy, again. I am dizzy. Want to lay down.
- Nathalie, I take you to a doctor, preferably to a gynocologist right now!
- No, no, no. It's okay. Well, I know, it's not, but this is the way I felt myself in the last couple of weeks, so nothing new. Only feeling rather uncomfortably, that's all.
- Is it normal? You know by Joe and Jen there weren't problems like these. I would be more calm if you would come with me to see a doctor. I don't want that our baby get harm in any way.
- Dave, please, don't worry so much. There'll everything fine. If I won't get well till tomorrow morning, I'll go to see my doc, ok?
- All right. But I'm still worried.
- I think I'm a different type from Joe and Jen, who can't bear the pregnancy so easy. That's all.
- Yeah, probably you are. But still. Before we check in for our plane you should be checked by a specialist, you can't sit on the plane 12 hours like this!
- All right, all right! I understood it! - I held my hands up then stood up slowly, bent down for my cell and looked at him. - So, I guess you want to stay here for the rest of the night.
- If you let me, yes.
- Oh, sure I let you. I want you like mad!
- Uh, bayba, don't tell me things like this. I just can't have a chance...
- C'mon Dave, only some cuddling, lying in your arms, feeling you close to me.
- Ok, maybe it wouldn’t be a problem from that - he smiled.
- I won't bite, don't worry - I giggled.
- I know you won't, though I wish you would.
- Oh, yes, I remember. You love it - I smiled as I caressed his neck with my hands standing in the bedroom.
- Yes, that's true...