- I should tell you one more thing before you make your final decision about living with me. Well, I have some serious health problems. The drugs and booze damaged my kidneys and liver, and also I had drug connected sudden cardial arrests. So, maybe I would be dead by tomorow, maybe I will live to my nineties, I don't know. There is always a chance loosing me from one moment to another. And, ssshh, let me finish baby, I battle with recurring severe depression, which means that unfortunately sometimes I have suicidal thoughts and other crazy stuff. Now, you know all, what do you say?
I was just laying there trying not to cry again. I was frightened by the thought that he can die so easy. He was still waiting for my answer, but I couldn't say a word. I loved him too much to accept the thing that his body can betray him.
He sighed and started to get off the bed. I woke up from my thoughts and grabbed his upper arm.
- Hey, where are you going?
- I feel myself like someone who brings you nothing but trouble and worries. I am not young and not easy to live with. I want the best for you and maybe it's not me what you need.
- I need you. Just you. No one else but you. Don't say a word, please, don't debating, please stop wasting your time!
- Wasting my time, huh? - he said to himself quietly and seemed as someone who was thinking about his past. The times when he missed things.
- Listen, Dave! I was just surprised and worried. But remember? You said to me that I'm a strong woman. Yes, I can fight for my goals, and my goal now is you and our baby. I can handle this, I swear - I said and I thought that I'll never complain again, and I'll hide my pain just to see him happy. - You deserve to be loved. And I'll give you what you need. You know that I'll nurse you if something happens but it will not. Everything'll be all right - I hugged him from behind, kneeling on the bed.
I felt his body trembling and I realised with surprise that he started to cry. Now, I was totally shocked and all I am remember is begging him to stop it.
I held my own tears back somehow and caressed him gently. I was wishpering into his ears and cradled him softly. I felt as if he was like a motherless child, a lonley boy and a man in one body and he was full with fears and doubts. All those memories came back when I've read about his complications in his body because of the drugs. Three times. His heart stopped three times yet. At any rate I knew 3 times, and if I think that it could be more times... I felt myself awful because of him. I... I... I loved him so much and I was so worried about him!
When I ran out of the words, I started to croon an old song into his ear. It always helped me when I was scared and my mom came to calm me down.
I remembered the tune as if it was yesterday when she sang it to me.
I closed my eyes, cradled him, bent my head to his and stroked him softly with my fingers.
Well, I never would have suspect that once I would be comforting Dave Gahan. Dave Gahan who is my love and the father of my child.
He sniffled, wiped his tears away and took a wobbly breath. I felt as his hand clongged my hand. He bent his head down. I was nestling to his back so I could felt the warmth of his body and every sigh he made. I was still crooning and rested my head on his shoulder. We were sitting there for several minutes, then I asked very quietly:
- Is it a little better now, my love?
- Yes, it's much better as you called me " my love".
- Ur so sweet Davie. When we have to leave for the airport?
He kissed my hand.
- We must go soon. Have you packed everything that you need?
- Yes, the most important things.
- Are you ready to leave and start a new life? With me?
- Yes, I am, dear. We'll be near to you, don't worry.
- Fine. I'll delegate someone to bring your other stuffs to NY after a while.
- All right - I kissed his face tenderly from the back - Do you want me to make some sandwiches before we go?
- Just make me an omelette again, if it's not a big question. I love the meals you prep.
- No problem - I smiled and sat down next to him. Our tights touched and I grabbed his hand in mine still smiling - Come on, dear, I'll put some extra stuff in your omlette!
He looked at me with his eyes which were a bit red from the tears.
- What extra stuffs?
- Don't worry, I thought on some onions and things like these. Do you like it? Or do you want just a natur omlett? Tell me your wish!
- It doesn't matter, you will make it delicious anyway.
"Oh no, let go of my hand
Oh no, not now I'm down, my friend
You came to me anew
Or was it me who came to you
Any time tomorrow a part of me will die
And a new one will be born
Any time tomorrow
I'll get sick of asking why
Sick of all the darkness I have worn
Any time tomorrow
I will try to do what's right
Making sense of all I can..."
(K’s choice: Shadowman)
I cleaned his plate and he stood up.
- Now, it's really time to go. I close the door for you, it would be easier for me, gimme the keys - he asked. I gave them and he picked up my suitcases and closed the door. I left the keys for my friend at my next-door neighbour. We got into the car and before I realised it we were at the airport, at the terminal B, where the small private jets are.
- Imagine, one of my acquaintance had worked here by this terminal as a security man and he'd taken a common picture with you several years ago - I said just to say something because I was a bit nervy - It's strange for me that now... ah, don't even listen to me. I speak silly things. Better not to say a word.
- Don't worry, hon. I'm by your side.
- I'm not worried.
He looked at me doubtingly.
- All right, all right, but just a little bit!
He grabbed my hand and started to go to the right direction.
- Dave, someone can see us!
- There will be no problem. No one knows that I'm here. Just come, our jet'll leave soon.
And I let myself lead. We departed.
I held his hand again while I was staring out of the window. I said goodbye to the familiar land and to my old life. I was standing before a new and big thing. I must be strong.
The plane soon got the permisson to take off and we'd been in the air in a minute. By now I became very tired, so I put my head on his shoulder and dozed off.
He woke me up stroking my face and calling my name.
- Hon, we are here.
- Great - I streched my muscles and yawn a big one. He smiled at me. - Where'll you bring me now?
- To our home of course. Just you wait. You'll see, I arranged everything. I bought a flat in an apartman as I promised, that flat I was talking about, the one in which you can paint.
- Hey this was quick! - I smiled - But you made me curious. Let's go, quick!
- Easy little tiger! It won't run away - he laugted but headed to a cab with me.
There was a bit cool outside.
Unusual cool, as the driver informed us. In less than an hour we were standing right in front of the building. The black porter greeted us with a huge smile on his face and handed the keys of the flat to Dave.
- No, no, no. This flat's owner is this beautiful lady on my side.
I introduced myself to the porter and he handed me the keys. I couldn't really say anything but standing there with the keys in my hand.
I was just watching the two of them. I really was here. These two little metal stuffs meant a lot now. Maybe they'll be the keys to a happier future? Or on the contrary? I looked at Dave. I think my eyes were scared a bit. I felt my heart beating a bit quicker.
- Sorry, Mr. Smith, but my companion is a bit tired now. This is the first time for her in New York. She's from Europe - he said to the porter.
- No problem, Sir. I'll help in everything if I can - he nodded.
- Thank you. Nat, come! I'll show you your flat - he turned to me and headed to the elevator's direction.
He opened the door. Sunshine poured in from the big windows and the rays were dancing on the new furnitures he purchased.
- Dave, this is beautiful! I've never seen a flat like this in the real life before! - I stepped in and stroked the eggshell coloured couch in the bright living room where we stepped in directly from the door. On the furniture I could felt Dave's taste which I always liked. - But hon, wasn't it too expensive? - I turned to him apprehensively - I don't want you to spend too much money on us.
- Please, don't worry about the money. I've got enough to give you two what you'll need in the future.
I sighed, but held my sentences back. My eyes were moving on the things and the walls.
- Go ahead. Check the other rooms!
I went in the bathroom and he was waiting for me in the sitting room. Several minutes past but I still haven't reappeared. He came after me, knocked at the door and stepped in. I was sitting in the bathtube. Was it a bathtube or was it a pool or a luxury beauty spa? It was huge, emerald green and beautiful. He stepped into the bath too. - Do ya want a relaxing bath Natalie? Come I undress you before I fill the tube and your clothes would be wet.
And he caressed my face. And my neck. And he gave me a passionate kiss. And there were no clothes covered our trembling bodies anymore.
He kissed me passionatly and his hands ran all over my body.
- Hey, hey! And what's with my bath? - I asked when I was able to speak.
He went along the kissing, but opened the tap and the water started to run. It was so hot, he was so hot. He sat down and took me into his arms. He became more and more passionate. But his desire was much different now. Not so long ago he leaped upon me like a hungry wolf, now he was tender. Oh, so tender and sweet. I realised how different he is now. He wanted to make love, instead of having sex. Such a big difference. His lyrics came to my mind, the Stay from Paper Monsters. I always loved that song and suddenly I saw the man in him who wrote it.
I let him to do everything. I caressed his shoulders sleazy and returned his kisses, which were deep, passionate, sweet and full with emotions. I was sitting on his lap astride. He touched my back. His long fingers slid up and down on my spine. I've got goose-skinned and gave a little moan into his mouth. My right hand was laying on his chest, on the phoenix.
- Close your eyes, let's talk - he suggested.
- About what?
- Anything that comes into your mind, speak your heart. Anything.
- Stay, you can leave tomorrow... - I quoted from his song - This simply thing is what I want now. Can you give it to me? - I stroked his face with my fingertips while our foreheads were chocked to each other with closed eyes.
- Just until tomorow? What about the rest of your life?
- What are you talking about? You can't. But I'd be extremly happy, you know - I sighed and slid closer to him.
- But this is what I tried to tell ya yesterday. That I would live here with you. Soon.
- David, what are you doing?
- What I should have done already. Should have done a long time ago!
- No! You can't leave Jen! Think about Rosie! What'll see feel? - I opened my eyes and looked at him while I straightened myself sitting on his lap.
- You rather sacrafice yourself and our baby to live alone? Because of my daughter? For a stranger?
- She is not a stranger, she is the daughter of the man I love and care. Obvious that I love her as well.
- Oh, baby, you just gave another reason why I want to live with you. And yes I can do that. She won't feel it like I am leaving her for good, 'cause she won't even notice it. I place a promo poster on my side of the bed and thats all! - he cried bitterly - Besides, Stella is eight years old now, she can decide on court if she would choose me or her mother. Afterall, I am the one who takes her to school, who tells her stories and teaching her how to play the piano. Who wipes her tears off when she is crying on a betrayal of a friend. I escort her shopping to choose her outfit for a party and I know which is her favourite candy. Well, when I am not on a tour. But it doesn't happen frequently. Who knows, maybe she would choose me.
- Sshh. It's okay. You want to live with her, right? You love her too much to part from her, have I right?
He just nodded quietly and bent his head down.
- Listen, Dave. I never wanted to be another ground for your divorce. But I know that with our baby I became one of them. Anyway. You should think it over again. But if you choose that way, and Rosie'll choose you, I will not be in your way. I want to see you happy.
- What does it means?
- You know it.
- You won't mind to live together with her?
I smiled - No, I won't. I think I would make a good stepmother. I always liked your little blond one. And I think you are a good father. You made my heart sing just by telling me what you two usually do together. I want you and everything you bring.
- You amaze me, Natalie!
- Don't say - I dabbed with my hand - But I know that everything depends on your little star, which way she will choose. But anyway I hate the thought that she must face a situation like this in such a young age. And what'll Jen say? How will she react on this? Won't she hate me and our baby? What's when she'll fight for Rosie? I don't know Dave. I don't know if this is the right way. It's a bit too much for me - I sighed - What if you wait a few days? I'm not ready for another changing in my life. I just arrived here. I don't know the place, I don't know here anybody except you. Please, think it over, my love.
- I did, well before we ever met. I should have done it a long time ago but I didn't have a trigger to make a big step forward. Our marriage was in trouble. I tried to fix it, she tried to fix it. Maybe we haven't tried hard enough. But our marriage is dead by now. With or without you. She won't hate you, but she won't love you either. A year ago, when I was touring she wanted to file the divorce, I begged her not to. Now, this is the right time to finish what she has begun.
- Alright then. I understood. Do what you think is the best for you.
He looked at me with those beautiful eyes and stroked my face tenderly.
- You'll see, everything will be fine. Tomorrow afternoon I'll speak with Jen at home and I'll explain our situation. Can I stay here with you? I don't want to go home into an empty flat. I want somebody to love.
- Of course, you can - I answered while my hand watered his right shoulder - Your bird need to drink a bit in a hot place as your warm chest - I said smilingly, and gave a soft kiss on the bird's head.
- Do you want me giving you a massage? - he asked - I am pretty good in it. Dr. Dot taught me a lot about massage.
I was laughing out loud.
- Nothing, Dave, nothing.
- You think I am a tomcat who fucked every pussy he could put his paws on.
- Well, basically, yes.
- You see, you are wrong. Sex is important, but not the most important thing in life. And note, this is from a man who is sorta addicted to it.
- I know David, honey - and put his hand on my tummy - Look, our baby wouldn't be here without us making love, but now he or she is more important than just merely having sex.
- Yep, that's right - and he suddenly bent me back helding me in his arms to the wather so he could kiss my belly.
- Dave! - I laughted - It tickels me!
- Baby, baby, baby, I love you baby - he sang an old blues song, I couldn't decide it was for me or for the kiddo inside. I presumed, for both of us.
- You're a clown! - I smiled at him sitting up and stroking his chest and face again.
- A clown?
- Yep, a strange but lovely clown which can be sad too, and my duty is to cheer him up - I whispered into his mouth, and kissed him first softly, then a lot more with passion.
- Let me entertain you mylady - he said and started another song. He did what he could do the best, he was singing and I was melting in his arms.
- Hm? - he stopped to sing.
- I want you now!
- No problem mylady, I am at your majesty's service. What are your wishes Madam?
- Just love me, darling, with me on the top and you underneath - I whispered as one of my hands grabbed him under the water, and started to move on his "little one".
- UHUH, we were supposed to relax here and now you are... God, what are you doing with your hips anyway?
- And this is you who is asking me this question?
He moaned just as an answer.
- I... I want to feel you.
And I grabbed him harder and lead him into my body. We moaned together from the feeling. I started to move. What a perfect harmony. I felt that he was in the right place. Somewhere where he belonged. I sighed.
- You... you are my perfect drug, love! Ahh... yes!
- And we are both addicted to each other - he answered. He tilted his head and watched my face which was engulfed in rapture, smiling.
- "Yeah, that's right"! - I quoted him as my movements went more stronger. I rid him in a strong way which brought surprise on his face, but he enjoyed it as my hip started it's movements. I moaned. My voice reflected from the walls.
- Gimme more, Dave - I asked him and he put one of his hands onto my clit.
- Did you think something like this? - he teased me seeing me coming.
- Oh.. yes! Yes! Ah... Dave! Oh my God! Yes..... – I moaned louder with every move of his hand. I strenghtend the action with my hip. He moaned too.
- I don't need to much... - I wishpered into his ear.
- Me… neither, I am right at the brink of it… move on baby, move on!
And I did it. In a wild way. I felt his hands as they grabbed my bottom and helped me by the moving.
He was moaning and drew a big breath in. Then his body gave in and he came, I felt him inside. He was gasping for air, but he still helped me moving, ’cause I barely could hold myself.
After maybe two minutes with a harder movement I came, too, biting my own mouth to hold back my loud shout. I closed my eyes as my body bowed to an arc, and was helding his shoulders. I felt his hands on my waist.
- Ahhh, that was so good - he purred to me - Dya know you were made just for me?
- Yes? Do you think so? Then I must say, you are the very same for me - I kissed him softly, still moving with my hip but in a slow way. - I missed you so, love!
- I love it when you say that - he stroked my face - What do you say, if I show you the other parts of your flat?
- And we'll make love in every room? - I laughted.
After having cleaned ourselves we ventured inside the other rooms to explore them. The bedroom was the first object of our investigation.
- And you really want it again? Here too? - he asked caressing my waist again.
- Yep - I licked his neck.
- Then why put we our clothes back?
- I don't know, it was useless. You'll be happy - I took his T-shirt over his head again.
- Why exactly? - he grabbed my bottom once.
- Because I feel myself lately like a nympho... - I grabbed him - And I think it makes your sex-addicted self happy...