I was in the kitchen. I couldn't eat but I drank my juice. I know that it's necessary to drink a lot to product mothermilk. So I did it for the sake of Mia, of course. I stopped crying, too not to loose much moist. I felt myself as frozen as ice again, but I could scream. I felt like my whole body was one big aching wound. But I remained silent. I started to prepare the lunch for Rosie and myself. I knew Dave'll meet the band because of some work.
He was still at home and come and go from room to room. He tried to approach me twice, but I refused talking with him. He was worried, I saw it on his face. I didn't want to torture him, but I didn't feel I can face things he wanted to say, so I avoided him. Finally he left for the meeting, but after just two hours he was home again and this time it seemed he was determined to get things right. He took Mia into his lap in the bedroom where I was laying on the bed. At first he didn't say a word, then stood up, put Mia into her cot and sat next to me, putting his hands on mine.
- It's time for confession - he said.
- David, please, I don't want to know! I know she is great and better than me...
- No! I just needed... - he sighed and closed his eyes for a sec.
I didn't look at him. I was watching Mia in her cot. She didn't know anything yet. She had a great life. Just sleeping and eating. Suddenly I wanted to be so little again. Laying on my beloved mothers lap, whom I missed so at this moment. I felt myself alone again with Mia. And it was much worser than earlier, cuz until now I had support from his family, from him, and now...
- Natty, please... dear, look at me, please! - he asked. I lifted my head slowly and met my cold gaze with his worried one. I looked at him askingly.
- Natalie, I am so sorry! I know I hurt you. I don't want absolution for the things I have done.
- But before I come to any conclusion I should try to walk in your shoes, right?
- Err....It's from the lyrics, I said it, because I, because I...
I saw his tormented face struggling with expressing his emotions with words, he was like a small boy who explains why he broke the window, when even he himself didn't know it. My heart wrung and love started to flow in my veins. I knew he slept with someone else, and I knew why. He tried to make me understand how men, how a particular man feels at times. He tried hard with knowing I'd never been and never would be a man to understand it completely. I was watching him and I loved him. Yes, it hurt, and it will hurt, this wound and all the others he would inflict yet. But I knew what I was into. He is Dave Gahan. I approached him, put my finger on his lips and placed my head onto his chest.
- Okay Dave, here, you found the mercy in me, no matter what happens, I love you.
- Oh, love... Dear Nat - he sighed in relief and caressed me . - Oh, I'm so glad to hear this... - he buried his face into my hair to catch my scent and to give a kiss on the top of my head.
- Please, don't speak, just let's stay like this for a while - I asked quietly. I loved him next to my pain. Love and pain. They goes together. I knew it.
- Okay, sorry again. I didn't mean to hurt you and sorry for screaming at you. Do you want to know more?
- No, David, I don't. I know who it was I see it in your eyes. What can I say. No words here. I can't help it.
- What do you want what should I do?
- Entertain the kids a bit, go and have a walk with the two kids, eat an ice-cream, whatever. I'd rather stayed alone.
I saw pain in his eyes. I knew he wanted something else. Console me, making love. But in my mind I saw them making love and I didn't want to be with Dave.
And he saw it in my eyes. I saw a little surprise in his eyes, but then he just nodded and went out from the room to prepare Rosie for the walk.
I was still sitting there and thinking about what I saw in his eyes. Yes, he wanted to make love. Was this the reason why he cheated on me? He couldn't wait no more? It was incradible as I realized that I hadn't made love with him for... for a long time and I never thought about that. My head was full with Mia, the labour and Mia again. I was tired after I brought her into this world.... maybe too much time had passed...
And he was upset and horny. It’s a clear formula. He went to Jenny to find that love, which I refused to give him.
My heart was beating in my throath by this thought. I saw them as they were making love passionately without hesitation....
"NO! I can't do this. I can't torture myself! I must accept it, that's all."
But I coldn't push the pain and anger back completely. Oh, I was in a changeable mood again... Dangerous.
As I realised all this I thought I must do something. He felt rejected by me as a man, since the birth of Mia he was the proud father for me. I knew he was kind of addicted to sex and I...I should do something about this. I ran to the door and grabbed his shoulder:
- Yes, Natalie? Rosie is waiting outside for me - he said.
- David, I sorry too. David!! Walk to.. to.. - I couldn't bear to say out loud her name - Take Rosie to her Mum tonight, please!
- You'll see, Dear, just take her. And...I love you.
- I love you, too - he smiled and gave a soft kiss on my lips before I could move further. - And I'll take her to Jenny, it's not a prob - he added and went outside.
As he said her name... it hurt, but I deleted those thoughts from my mind and went back to the kitchen to think over what should I prepare for dinner, what'll I wear, what'll we do... Yes, a full plan. For Dave.
First Dave went with Rosie to pick Jimmy up. He asked if Rosie could stay there for that night. She just nodded, and looked at him with her brown eyes. He could bet that she was thinking about the previous night, when they had. Sex with each other.
After he left with the two kids, they were walking on the riverbank, and they decided after a while to see a movie.
When Dave left I fed Mia again until she was full and sleepy, I hoped she would sleep right until next feeding at 12pm, so we will have enough time. I decided not to cook, but ordered fish and chips from his fav restaurant by 8 in the evening and a huge choc-cake from where they do it best. I took out some of his fav cds, went to the bathroom and slipped into the hot tube. I was laying there and was thinking about Dave and our relationship.
How the beginning was, how I couldn't believed that Dave Gahan wanted me, how we made love for the first time, how we parted and lived our lives, how he reacted on Mia's coming, and how he moved us here...
And here in New York during these few months so many things had happened! And I knew that I couldn't saw the signs. But now, I'll clear the mess, and put everything into its place. I hope...
It wasn't a simple thing to choose the right film, 'cause Jimmy and Stella had an argument about every film which the other one wanted to choose. But after a while they finally decided by an animation film. A comedy about... about what? He couldn't pay attention on the film, because he was thinking about Nat and her last sentences. He knew that there were problems in their relationship, but he didn' want to let it slip away like his 3 previous marriages. He wanted to have somebody behind him. And he knew Nat is this person. Not Jenny or another woman. Just Nat.
He decided to buy a bouquet of roses her favourite flower. First step.
He bent himself back into the comfortable seat and started to think about Nat. He had the beginnings in his mind back. Her help at the airport, and how he'd stolen her panties in the back of the car...
He was smiling. He remembered seeing her for the first time, when she came into the medical room of the Hungarian Airport with two strong men in uniform and saying she is from the Center of Infectious Diseases and she has an order to take the patient, he himself there. He remembered how frightened he was at the sight of this selfconfident, serious young woman, whom he thought a specialist of contagiousus diseases. Until he saw Pron's sparkling eyes, it showed mischief. Then he already knew she came for his rescue.
She pretended not to know him and Pron and asked their papers. They gave them and sat in silence, she said she has to keep their papers at herself for safety reasons and she took them into the folder in her hands. She acted so professional no airport staff ever asked her order. She dictated a minute to one of the men (later he learned they were security staff from Nat's fav club, Filter or what. A place playing Depeche Mode Music, so the men were fans too). The other took all their luggage onto a trolley and asked Nat if he could take it to get it sterilised. Nat nodded and he took it a rented green van, looked like an army vehicle. She then stepped to him and he could feel the coolness of her hands through the rubber glove when she put it on his forehead and at the same time pushed an ear-termometer into his ear. He was shocked when he looked up, straight into her eyes, cause he could see immense love and adoration in it. Then she had the poker face again as she turned to the airport staff, waved with her eyes and the man with her handed the minute to one of the employees and asked him to sign it. Then she barked a swift goodbye and as a present she adviced them having a shower with a hospital desinficiant and the man handed them a plastic bottle. And then she ushered them into the van and he remembered Pron greeting her warmly, hugging her and laughing.
Meanwhile I washed my hair and finished the bath. I felt myself much more better. I managed to smile too, as I was washing my hair then drying it. Strange, but I felt a little excitement inside my body. As I was standing there naked in front of the mirror, examining my body, I realized that I was missing his touch for a long time. But why couldn't I catch this feeling in my body earlier?
I had still a little plus weight after the labouring, and my breasts were bigger too then ususal, but I was nearly satisfied with the view. I hadn't change too much. Maybe Dave'll find me still attractive.
I took my clothes up and went to the dining room to prepare the table for the dinner with candles and stuffs like that. I was crooning the silent music while I put the cutlery on the table. Mia was sleeping silently.
- Daddy, my bucket is almost empty can Jimmy bring a new one?
Rosie's question moved him from his dreamy mood and he nodded and handed Jimmy some notes. He went away and Rosie concentrated on the story of Arthur again who was to save the world of the willangows. Dave immersed himself into his dream world again. How fine she was and how shy in comparison with her previous attitude when Pron introduced them to each other. But under her shyness he could feel her desire for him. He was very good measuring up people, he just knew it from the very first time. Then the van stopped in front of the Four Season's Hotel and they went straight to the room of the hotel's physician where Pron asked an examination during which - though he had a light fever and was still coughing - Pron asked a report of perfect health condition and as a colligue he got it. So they had a document in their hands that Dave is healthy if ever anyone would ask questions about their airport accident. Nat also rented them two separate apartments in the hotel and they went in. Their luggage still had to be collected and they had nothing with them, but Nat was the devil of the internet and clothes in their sizes were awaiting them instead of the sweaty ones they wore. There was a call from the reception and Pron went down to fix an appointment with someone and the two of them stayed together in Dave's room.
She said she wanted to go, ’cause there are other things to arrange, but he didn't let her. Took her hand and as he was dead sure in his business he pulled Nat close to himself looking straight into her eyes:
- Thank you Natalie. Thx everything you did for me - he said. And she bubbled something and went red and started to shake and suddenly he kissed her long and hard. At first she wanted to release herself, but he held her tight and she saw resisting was useless and she let his tongue to explore her mouth and was moaning into his mouth when he started caressing her. Every long kiss has its end so did this one. And there she stood with heart trembling, shaky like a leaf but unable to break eyecontact with him. He felt satisfied, he knew the lady is his. Then she regained back some of her consciousness and took her cell telling Pron she would go and collect the clothes. He, Dave stopped her and told he would go along with her. And he did. They got in the hotel's Mercedes Vito and sat silently next to each other until she pulled out a box of fine Belgian choc from her rucksack and put it in his palm.
- Oops, I almost forget it, that's yours, a small gift from a rabid Hungarian DM devotee - she smiled a bit sadly.
I was sitting on the living room's sofa turning the pages of an art album. I had time to think about my new painting too. I missed painting and drawing. I hadn't got time for them lately, and I decided, that when everything'll be OK, I'll continue my arts. Maybe I'll go to see a course too to enhance my skills. Who knows, maybe I can have an own exhibition one day. The album was one from Dave's selves. He had a good taste in art, too. And as I saw, he had a lot of art books. From Chinese to Celtic arts. Now, that Mia was sleeping peacefully again, after I cradled her a few minutes ago, I sank into the world of arts again, waiting for Dave to arrive.
- Why rabid? - he asked.
- You guys call us rabid fans here in Hungary. See, I haven't chewed your pants yet!
- And wanna? - he asked again. Much to his surprise a shy nod was the answer. He still feels how hot he became suddenly. He wanted that woman right there and then, and he hadn't hesitated no more. Asked the driver how far are they from the institute and he said it's still almost a half an hour even now at night. He remembers telling him to call them five minutes before the arival and then.....
With closed eyes like slow motion pictures there were the happenings in front of him. How he leaned to the trembling Nat and kissed her so passionatly the poor girl hardly could breath. His shaky hands unbuttoning Nat's shirt and the sudden rush of lust when he finally unwrapped her beatiful, perfect breasts. Even now, here in the movie he felt, he has a hard on. A painful one, he was aching for Natty and went crazier in his desire with every new pic in his mind. Everyone else was watching the film, but he had his own "home entertainment" and as he felt his shaft throbbing, it certainly was a 17-rated one.
"Where is he? Oh no, it's just half past six! But where can they be? Are they walking, or are they back by... Jen?"
I finished the book about gothic art and went back to the shelves to pick another one. A Chinese one about calligraphy. That sounded intresting. I put another CD into the player and sat back with the book on the sofa. It's titel was "The Pillow Book"...
He heared now how Nat cried as he penetrated her and how him almost gone after a few thrusts as he was biting Nat's nipples. Nat gave herself completely to him. His heart suddenly hurt. Oh, poor lil Nat, she didn't even know him, didn't know what she could expect from him and still she gave herself for him for the very first time. He felt now how much he loves her.
„How could I...how could I’ve been able to be such a bastard!”
Cheating on her, just because she is tired all the time because of their demanding little girl and all of the changes in her body.
He felt downright ashamed for what he had done. His mind wandered back to making love with her for the first time. He still could feel her trembling body under himself. His hard on worsened, he felt pain and wanted release. Now, how could have someone do anything like that watching a Disney production with kids? He was in pain. But it was a pain he was used to.
This album and book was incredible. It made an effect on me. I was just reading and watching the pictures. Beautiful. All I could say: it was beautiful... The young woman, the culture which she stand for, how she had left her home to find herself... the young American man and their love and pain, and mourning, and the 13 books from her which she painted on the messenger's bodies... "Amazing!" - I thought and I could already see future works of mine inspired from this book...
I couldn't realize that the hours were passing by as I was reading this fantastic book. Strange but fantastic as the Chinese culture itself.
The film was over, the kids liked it a lot. He called Jen that they will be there in no time. Even in the car his mind was set on his Natalie. When she reached climax, he reached too. He was laying on top of her and kissing her where he could find a spot to place a kiss. She was smiling, he made her happy. The driver announced their upcoming arrival and they started to fix their clothes. Only, Nat hadn't find her panties where she was looking them for. It disappeared into thin air. He helped her finding it, and when he did, he didn't give it to her but put it into his pocket and Nat had to do her mission of collecting his clothes without panties under her jeans. The guys were standing there, but Nat was laughing at his face when he found himself in front of a club.
„This institute is not that ’institute’” - Nat said smiling, told him that before they were set off she gave this adress to the driver, so... The guys who helped him rescuing came closer to him and handed him his luggage. Then made him sign about a hundred DM and Paper Monster cds. Nat then insisted them to go into the club. He wasn't so sure. But Nat said it would be fun that no one would recognise him in the Filter which was crowded with DM fans. And actually, no one did. The two guys came with them just in case, but hadn't said a word.
Nat and Dave got their stamps onto their hands and though the guy who gave the stamps looked at them with a strange look Nat said that is because his name is "BAT" and who has a name like this is acting strangely. It was dark and smoky inside. Dave lit a cig. No one even looked at him. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt with a denim jacket and jeans. When the karaoke show started Nat suggested them to leave. But he got curious. He was sitting in their box and listened fans mimicking his voice. There was a point where he didn't bear no more and started chuckling. The girl on stage felt pissed off and came to him, telling him if he is that cool he sure could do it better. Nat tried to hold him back but he was already on his feet and stepped onto the stage. „I Feel Loved” was the next song. When he started singing there were silence. Then one of the personnel asked the DJ why he left the vocal on. He said he didn't. They started again and Dave was singing, when he started wiggling his ass, Nat and the two guys dragged him out laughing and jumping into the car. The Club Filter's guests still don't know what to think. Dave Gahan karaoking in a bar like this in Budapest? Nah, he is not that crazy they tought.
David was laughing in the car and when the kids asked what's up he told them a lame joke.
The bell rang. I stood up. It could be just the food. And yes, after I opened the door and paid for the delicious food, I put them on the plate. A few minutes later the cake arrived too, so everything was fine and ready. Nearly everything. I rushed into the bedroom – Earlier I've put Mia's bed into her future room, so she could sleep calmly -, and took some brushes and paints from my paintingset. I smiled as I sniffed the familiar smell. The smell of paint what was always something special for me. The smell of arts.
I checked myself in the mirror again and corrected my make up. I wanted to be pretty for him.
Jen hasn't asked a thing. Fortunatelly. Probably she knew all too well what was happening inside him. Dave didn't even went in just handed the kids, kissing them goodbye.
- Thanks dad for the movie - Jimmy said.
- Yes, daddy thanks - Rosie added too.
He was smiling at them and waved goodbye.
I was standing on the balcony on the fresh air. It was a clear night. The stars were shinig bright. I looked at the half-moon and smiled. I always loved to watch the sky. After my mum's left I had another cause for that.
I nearly couldn't hear Dave when he arrived home. I came back to this world when I've heard my name from the living room, so I stepped in with a little smile on my face. I was curious how he would react.