It was a sad and good feeling in one time to step into my mother's house, into my house, and into Mia's house, too. Strange. I could remember that she was here last time, when she started to grow in my tummy. It seemed as ages passed since that day. Fortunately my friend was looking after my house, so it was nearly in the same condition as I left it here more than a year ago, it was just more emptier.
I packed out some food and Mia's stuff after I brought her into the bedroom. She'll sleep with me on the big bed.
My hart ached for a sec as it came into my mind that last time when I was laying there, we were making love with Dave on it. But I closed him out of my head and concentrated on what I was doing.
After Dave was sitting awhile in the kitchen, he went inside the room. He found it empty, a note was left on the table. He stared it in disbelief. Nat left him, went back to Hungary and took lil Mia with her. His hand was shaking as he tried to clear his head a bit.
- What the fuck I've done?! - he asked himself still in disbelief - Shit! Congratulations, David! You're a prize-winner bastard! - he buried his head into his arms for a few minutes, trying to think, but after it he jumped up and started to crawl in the flat. Then in the living room he noticed Nat's painting. He came around and he stopped there shocked. It was Mia. So alive!
He had to hold back the tears which flushed his eyes. He still couldn't believe it. It wasn't a big wonder after all. After all the calamities he'd done. Nat was patient, very patient. But not stupid. And she was proud. And the worst thing was that he knew how much she loved him. And he screwed it again, he went too far, oh way too far. Now, it was time to decide what to do.
Mia's cry woke me up. I think she was too tired from the flight to sleep. I put her into my arms and cradled her. She was uncalm. I tried to sing a lullaby, but she didn't stop. So I grabbed the remote control and her father's voice was heard from the cd-player. Yeah, Paper Monsters...
She stopped crying and turned her head from one side to the other, she was looking for her father, but she couldn't find him anywhere. My heart ached at the sight. But what could I do?
I nearly cried, but I held my tears back. I cried enough for and because Dave. I rocked Mia gently till she fell asleep. I had a terrible night after it.
Next day I was prepearing something to eat, when my phone rang. It was Dave. I run it off. But after a minute he called again. I've got nervy.
- What? - I picked up with a cold tone.
- It doesn't mean anything for you if I say sorry, righ?
- Right. Dave my patience is over, it was too much for me. I am not a mop, you hurt me real bad. Now, I finish it, enough was said.
- But Nat...
- It's over, Dave. OVER! Can you catch it? I'm fed up. I don't want to see you. Leave us alone!
And I turned my cell off. I sighed a big one, and covered my eyes with my left hand. I won't start crying. No, no more. It was enough.
I finished my breakfast by the kitchentable and wen back to Mia who was already awake, tring to crawl on the blanket on all fours.
Dave was in a turmoil, he felt he had to do something. He had to get right with Nat. He knew he loved her like mad and didn't understand himself why he had done this to her. He made a decision, he'd go after her.
I was worried. Mia cought a cold. She was crying loud cuz she had fever, so I decided to call my friend, who was a pediatrician. I always liked him. In the far past we had some dates, too. But we never fell in love really. Since then he was a good friend of mine. So I called him, and he said, that he'll jump in one hour. And he said what should I do with lil' Mia till he arrives.
I was anxiously waiting for him. Mia was grasping for air in her coughing spasm and it sounded so bloody hoarsed. Her little face become paler and developed a shade of blue. Now, I was terrified and at last I heared the doorbell ringing.
- Hey, Nat - Andreas greeted me, but when he saw the fear and worry in my eyes, he didn't ask just one: - Where's the little ill one?
- In the bedroom. Adreas, I'm so glad that you came. I'm in a terrify fear. Please help Mia!
- What a nice, little girl, you are, little lady. What's your name?
- Mia, her name is Mia. I undress her, okay?
- Yeah, do it Nat and don't be that scared, it seems pseudocrupp to me, frightening right, but not that dangerous. Very rarely needs hospital entrance. Ok, let's hear her lungs! Nice, but not as smooth as it should be. Her temperature?
- Ok, then, listen to me Nat, I give her an antibiotics and an antihistamin injection. And I take her temperature. You gave her something against it, right?
- Paracetamol for kids.
- Alright. It is just 38,2C much better. When she breaths this hard she needs cold. Dress her warmly and open the window and stay there for a while. If it's not cold outside do it with the fridge door open! Understood?
- Yes, yes - I nodded - Thank you, Andreas.
- You're wellcome. I'll come back after work to check her condition, alright?
- Alright - I nodded again.
- Don't be afraid, Nat - he smiled - These little beings are much stronger as they seems.
I followed Andreas’s orders and she soon got into a better condition, she was exhausted so she fell asleep soon. Dave was calling me again and I decided to talk to him.
- Yes? - I picked the phone up.
- It's me...
- Yeah, I know. What do you want?
- David, don't start it again, please. I think I was clear yesterday.
- But Nat, I love you so!
- Yeah? It's strange how you show it. Cheating on me and charge me with insane assumptions... Really nice way to show your love.
- I am so sorry. Nat, I was thinking a lot. What would you say if we would farther from where we live, to be away from the temptation. I know, that it takes two, but Jen was persistent wanting to have sex with me and I was weak. I am to blame, I know. I ask your forgiveness.
- Please... Dave... - I grimaced holding my acking head in my free hand - I can't handle with this now. I have other problems, too.
- Whai is it? Can I help you?
- Mia is sick, she was in a serious condition, but thanks to a pediatrician she feels much better and she is sleeping now.
- I want to see her.
- Nah, Dave, this isn't a good idea. And she's better now.
- I don't care, Nat - he said - She's my daughter too, and I want to see that she’s OK with my own two eyes.
- I'll be there in some hours.
I wasn't sure that's a good idea he would come here, but I could understand him. He was worried for Mia. And of course it would be difficult to face him. I loved him, but was hurt and didn't want more pain.
After a few hours Andreas came back. Now he wasn't wearing his white cloak, just a grey garbo and black trousers. His medical case was in his hand and he greeted me with a smile.
- Now how's lil' Mia? Has she slept?
- She is fine. Yepp, she slept like an angel, as she is an angel indeed.
- Ok, I examine her again. Now, let's see, breathing is ok, is she coughing yet?
- Occasionally. And it is not that bad now.
- Ok, one more antibiotics shot and she would be fine. I prescribe her an antibiotics, she should get 5ml 3 times a day, ok?
- Nat, tell me if it is uncomfortable for you, but may I ask you are you married or in a longtime relationship, ’cause last time and now too, ur alone here.
- I'm in a kinda long term relationship with her father, only it seems I just left him.
- Well, he was cheating on me.
- I see. Can you tell me her full name to write me on the receipt?
- Mia Sylvia Gahan.
- Sorry, I think I heard Gahan.
- It is Gahan, yes.
- Is his father English, like the guy from Depeche Mode, Dave Gahan?
- Actually, he is her father.
- Your kidding!
- I'm not, I'm not in the mood Andreas, he is her father and he is on his way here.
- I see, OK - he nodded and wrote the receipt. - Here. That'll be enough for your daughter.
- Thank you, Andreas - I smiled at him.
He looked back - You've changed a lot, Nat - he smiled a bit.
- Why do you think that? - I asked and invited him for a coffee in the kitchen.
- Ur not that carefree and I see dark circles under ur eyes. He hurt you bad, didn't he?
- Yes, he did. And not just once.
- I don't want to encroach in this, but Nat, he's a star, a musican - he said and sipped from the coffee.
- You don't know the situation - I sighed - He cheated on me with his ex-wife.
He looked at me as I sipped from my cup too.
- But I don't want to bother you with my porblems.
- No Nat, you don't bother me. Remember? We were good friends.
-Yes, I remember. You don't know him! He was cheating on me, that was one thing. But then he accused me flirting with his best friend, though I love him and only him. And if I can't have his love then I won't love no one else ever.
- Natalie, that is steep! Hey, you were not like this!
- You see! That's what he made of me! He would be jealous like hell if you would find you here.
- What? He is crazy!
The doorbell rang and my heart sank. No one knew I was here but one. David came for us.
- I go and open it - I sighed - Don't worry.
- I'm not worried. Should I? - he smiled a bit.
I didn't answer just shrugged and went out to open the door. It was really Dave. He looked tired and worried.
- Hi - I stepped away to let him in.
- How's she?
- Better. She's sleeping.
- Can I come in?
- Of course, come in, David.
He froze for a moment when he saw Andreas sitting there with a mug in his hands, but he said nothing just nodded towards him. Andreas stood up and I introduced them to each other. David face was extremely tense, his body strained but he did his best to control himself. He was struggling with his jealous self, but knew: one more bad move and he would be thrown out of the flat.
- May I see Mia?
- Come Dave - I took his hand and led him to the other room. In the moment I put my hand into his he squezzed it and held it strong like someone who is clinging to happiness. He did cling the remnants of his happiness. I looked at him and saw desperation, shame, guilt and love in his eyes. We stepped inside and he kneeled down at the bed, stroking the face of the sleeping Mia. Then he put his head down on his folded arms on the bed and stayed like that. He was beaten, maybe lost all his hope. He didn't tried to explain what happened, but I knew. And I knew I am still loving him and I knew I will forgive him again. Again and again. And I won't return the pain. I already forgave him, stepped behind him and put my hands onto his shoulders without a sound. He looked up at me and he was crying there silently. I wiped his tears and pulled him to his feet, looking straight into his eyes. He was beautiful. A sad beauty of mine.
- Now, what should I do David? What would you do if you were me?
- I would leave such a jerk like me, who didn't appreciate your efforts, your love and patient, who played upon you, who cheated you - he said huskily, still crying silently - And I'd understand you. I was mean and jealous. I hope you'll one day forgive me and I'd see Mia often... - he bent his head.
I cupped his face with my hands and lifted his gaze.
- Dave, you'll see her every day, every minute you want, cuz I won't leave you. I've already forgive you. Maybe I'm stupid, but I love you.
- Oh, Nat... - he gasped for air, fresh tears appearing in his eyes.
- But I'll stay here for a while, alone with Mia to think. I must to order my thoughts, to calm myself. So first I ask time from you - I sad softly but serious.
He nodded again - How much time you think you'd need Natalie?
- One or two weeks, I dunno. It depends on many things of mine.
- Alright then - he answered quietly - Do you want me to leave now?
- Would you leave me with another male in one flat?
- Nat, please! Take mercy on me!
- Alright, sorry. Anyway he's just an old friend of mine and a good pediatrician - I sighed.
- So, should I stay or should I go? - he asked hesitantly and man, I wanted him to stay. I looked at him and was thinking hard what to do. I wanted him badly. Whatever he did I wanted him and at last I gave in.
- Stay David. You can stay if you want.
I went to the kitchen to Andreas. I wasn't sure that I made the right decision, but it was just the same.
- So Natalie, I still can't believe it, that you and Dave Gahan!
- Life is strange. I was their fan and now I am his girlfriend and mother of his child.
- Do you live with him?
- Yes. Only we had some serious problems and came here. But I love him, so I will go back to New York with him after a short time. I asked some time to sort out my lines. But without him... I don't know, he and our daughter mean everything worth living for to me.
- Lucky guy, he is - said Andreas quietly - Damn, lucky!
Neither of us noticed the lean shadow on the other side of the door who heard our every word.
- Maybe - I sighed and stepped next to him to put my hand on his lower arm wich was resting on the table, next to the empty cup - I'm sorry, that we couldn't managed long time ago. But I'm sure, you'll find a nice girl soon.
- Yeah - he smiled - Thanks, Nat - he grabbed my hand and stroked it - It's better if I go now. You have the medicines for your baby. I'll come back tomorrow to check her condition again, but I think she'll be alright with the antibiotics from now - he said and stood up - I know where the door is, thanks - he smiled and I smiled back, then gave a firendly kiss on his cheek and said goodbye and thanks.
Dave stepped back from the door and sat into the armchair. He was happy to hear that Nat still loves him. He knew, he would do anything to make her happy. Altough, he liked New York very much he started to think about moving to somewhere else. But where to? Back to London? Nat would be happy and he has his roots, Mum, brothers and sister, a son there. But Jimmy! He can't leave him. He must stay in New York. But at least moving to another part of the town, he thought. He was scared that this could be happen again, he would be weak at times and Jen would know it. He didn't want more trouble.
Nat came out from the kitchen when Andreas went away and stopped next to Dave for a minute to gave a cup of coffee into his hand. Then she stepped to the bed to check Mia's fever and stroked her little back, kneeling next to the bed. She felt herself so tired and empty, alhough she knew Dave was there, watching her at that very moment too.
- Natalie, we should have a talk. Clearing things. I am ready for it. Are you too?
- Yes, I think. Let's go to the living room - I answered and gave a soft kiss on Mia's head before I stood up and followed him.
He wasn't that great explaining his stuff to me, he knew an other way to show his love. He gently embraced me and asked permission with his eyes to give me a kiss.
I accepted his lips but before he could do other things too, I stopped him and stepped away. - No Dave, this time you won't disarm me with your charm and touches.
- It was not my intention - he stepped back with a hurt face - I wanted to show I love you. I am not an animal! Neither a manipulator. Sorry, if you think I am.
And he turned away from me.
- I don't think that you are an animal or a manipulator. But you know which effects you have on me with just one touch of yours - I sighed - Please, sit down. Are you hungry? I can make some pasta, if you want.
- No thx, I'm not hungry, I am just tired.
And he just sat there like a monument, not daring to begin the talk. I did it for him.
- Now, the facts David: You hurt me like never before. That is one thing that you were jealous and made a stupid scene, but u didn't come home, neither sent a massege, and when you were back you just poured every anger and frustration of yours to me, yelling that u slept with your ex. Now, Dave, that would have been too much for anyone, even me, who is so dearly loves you! It's good u didn't want to explain it, for you couldn't. No way! Let's hear your side of the story!
He looked puzzled as he was staring into his half-filled cup. He sighed and looked at me. I saw as his thoughts were running in his head. Trying to explain himself, trying to give an answer for my question. His face pale and tired. The wrinkles by his eyes were deeper from the agony.
I was looking at him patiently and didn't say a word. We had time. Then he finally opened his sensitive mouth and I heared his first sentence, which was followed by the others:
- I don't think I can explain it to you. I can't, and I was weak I now and was ungrateful and unloving and I am deeply sorry. I was thinking about moving some place other, not being so reachable, away from temptations. What do you say?
I was examining his face. He meant it seriously.
- Can you take the effort to move away just because of us? Not seeing so often Jimmy, and take further Rosie from her mother? - I asked quietly.
- Yes, because I love you and Mia very much, and couldn't bear life not living with you. Please, Nat! I want to find a result for our problems. I don't want to loose you two, too!
- Alright Dave, we'll speak about this question after I go back to New York.
- Okay, Natalie, when u will be back. Anything else you want to ask or u want to know? You can ask anything and if I can I answer ur questions.
- Maybe it's funny, but I have that question since I left Kessler's house... Do you really think that I wanted something from John? - I nearly laughed from this quesion of mine.
- Maybe it was a misconception but the answer is obviously a yes. Or else… would I made such a quarrel over it? I am, I am afraid that you find a better one, that I'm a failure, like I really am and...
- There is no one like you and you are not a failure. You warned me at the beginning of our relationship and I was listening well, I remember. I was warned, and I chose you.
- You're... you're too good for me. You two... like two angels... I'm so sorry, Nat... and... I love you.
- I love you too, Dave - I sighed - It was just too much for me. I'm fed up now. I'll go back to you, I just need time to be alone and clean up the mess in my head. Can you understand it? Can you wait for me as a good boy? - I smiled at him faintly.
- I don't have any other choice, do I? I would like to take you two into my two arms and fly with you to New York right now. But I should be patient, I think, I should be a good boy as you said. But Nat, I am afraid to go back alone, desperately needing you! Can I wait for you, here in Hungary?
- Sure - I shruged - It's your business where you want to be till I go back. And I know, I can't ban you from your daughter.
- You mean, I can stay here with you?
- Not exactly. I won't be able to think when you're in my house - I smiled a bit at him - But you can come every day to see us, if you want.
- Okay, I see. Now then I go and fix a bed under my ass for the night.
He stood up, went into the other room and watched his sleeping daughter for a while, then kissed me goodbye and quietly went away.
I was so unsure! Did I do the things right? Like that? That he'll be near to us, near to me? Will I be able to think when he appears every day by us? I was so tired from the situation and from myself, too. I went to take a shower, and after it I slid into the bed, next to our little angel. I was watching her with a calm smile on my face. I loved her beyond all. She was the reason for me to live... and his silly father...
I stroked her little tummy and fell asleep fast.