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Chapter 36
2009.08.12. 15:14
36.
We returned to Europe. We spent two days in Madrid. The papers were still writing crazy stuff about us. Of course I was the bad bitch, who seduced the “perfect husband”, not thinking of his 8 year old little girl, Rosie, or of his wife, Jen.
I was standing worried in front of a window, which was bathing in the sunrise’s light.
What’ll turn out of this? – I asked myself. Ruining Dave’s marriage wasn’t my purpose and I didn’t know how Jennifer reacted on this news. I think she took it badly. If I was here, I’d come here to slap myself on the face. I was very ashamed of myself – and mainly because of my med problems. I was wondering whether I just imagined the pain as slowly I turned into a junkie. Then I realized that I couldn’t decide it. I felt the pressure in my chest again, so I fisted my hand. And I knew that the only thing I had to do was to take two pills and the pain was nowhere again… But no! Dave… I can’t let him… I frowned. I’d rather suffer than see him die. I continued musing when the vibrating of my cell dragged me back from my dark thoughts. The phone was ringing without a sound in my jeans’ back pocket, so I couldn’t wake them up.
For a moment I let my eyes linger on them. Dave’s left hand was resting on the middle of the bed, where I was laying minutes ago before I’ve got dressed. I couldn’t sleep from the guilt and from other motivations I wanted to obey. They really didn’t leave me for a moment, just when it was really necessary and Dave had to go. I suspected that Dave didn’t trust Martin completely. As if he was faulty because of my own stupid things. Bullshit.
I stepped out quietly from the room and went to the other and of the suite then stepped out to the balcony.
“Yes?” I asked after I looked at the unfamiliar number on the screen.
“Congratulations, Mia, you push your fortune!” I heart the familiar, cynical tone.
“Cornelia?!” I froze from the voice I couldn’t have heard for the last 3 years.
“Yes me. I’ve read that you lay in the good bed again” he answered not so kindly. My heart sank.
“You called me just to offend me?” I asked quietly.
“I called you to congratulate. You haven’t changed as I see. Ruining marriages is your specialty?” she asked coldly.
“Cornelia…”
“Just like a black widow… And now that you’re ruining your Mr. Gahan’s life too, you’ll leave him behind too?”
I hold my breath. My older sister always grained me down. She was the favourite, the firs born child, who managed to do everything from just one try, who did everything right. And I did everything wrong and I was stumbling in her footsteps. Maybe unconsciously I seduced her husband because of this? From petty-minded revenge… yes, maybe. I so…
“Cornelia, I’m sorry because what I’ve done to you. I regret it. I don’t want you to think about me as your enemy anymore. I’d like to make peace with you…”
An ironic and bitter laugh was the answer.
“To make peace?” Little Mia, you’re so late. You failed in my eyes for forever when you decided to lie under my husband – I’ve told you this when I caught you at fault! And my opinion is the same since then. Mom was very ‘proud’ of you when she saw the pictures of you with your singer in the newspapers… What an unlucky gimp he is! I can just pity him cuz he doesn’t know whom he let into his bed…”
“Please, don’t insult him…”
“Why not? I bet you were good at him and he buys anything you want. You’re quite a good pinup bitch, sweetie! I’ve heard that you’ll be even on their coming live DVD. You had to give a blow job for that Gore, too?” she spluttered belligerently “Hah, you’re great in that – I’ve seen it…”
I felt the anger rising in me. And the inexplicable “fear”, which I felt towards my sister for long years, was nowhere now. This surprised me. Anger washed even the remains of it.
“How do you dare to speak like this when you don’t know in what kind of situation I’m in?!” I shouted, loosing my patience.
“Why? After all these news they don’t want you to be their bitch?”
“Shut up, Cornelia! I don’t want to say something I’ll regret later…”
“Oh come on, Mia. You can’t say anything that could offend me anymore. I can just despise you. I hope they’ll make you pregnant then they’ll leave you behind! Just feel the pain I’ve felt because of you! Then get exasperated and die! I wish this for you from my whole heart as a last wish!” he shouted with such evil anger, which I’ve never heard from anyone yet. My heart and soul sank and tears started welling up in my eyes, but I managed to hold them back.
“What kind of last wish? What’re you talking about?” I pressed my teeth together.
“You won’t hear from me in my life anymore!”
“What?”
“I have serious cancer, sweetie. And I know it’s because of you! Yes, because of you! Your own sisters’ death will lie on your head!”
“But… No!” I moaned and couldn’t breathe as I grabbed the thick stone-ledge of the balustrade “It can’t be cured? Is it sure?”
“It’s as incurable as the hatred I feel towards you” and she hung up.
I was just standing there, staring at the cell phone in one hand and I had the last fucking strong full box of tranquilizers. I’ve hidden them somewhere else so they couldn’t find it. I closed my eyes and I felt that it’d be so great to take all of them – then I’d be calm forever. I though of David, I was crying and my hand was shaking when I opened the box and started pushing the meds into my palm – every one of them. I couldn’t see or hear, I was just pushing them into my palm. Suddenly someone stopped my hand and I lifted my gaze.
“I won’t let it, my love. No matter what happened, I won’t let it. We’re on the road of fights and we’ll come along and win the war together.”
I looked into his eyes where I could she sad but massive flames of his love and I let him twist my wrist so the poison landed on the floor. I’ve heard them landing, I felt Dave’s grab on my wrists, which were nearly hurting now, but what was this pain compared the one I felt in my soul? I grabbed his white T-shirt desperately sobbing into it, hiding my face in his chest, which’s familiar scent filled my noserills.
“She… she’ll… die!” I moaned sobbing “It’s my fault! Don’t… don’t let it happen! Don’t let me… no… don’t!” I whimpered incoherently.
“Later you’ll tell me, now you come with me” he took my hand and dragged me to the doc’s room, who doesn’t even sigh when he spotted us. Lately we met a lot. I’ve got a tranquilizing injection – from the kind which won’t cause dependency and Dave took me back to my room.
“Where’s Martin?” I asked.
“He tries to fix things. You know a truck fell over – full of our studs – and a lot of things has to be replaced. I think he’ll be soon on his knees to get the loaned stuffs. And Jonathan looks like someone who hasn’t slept for a week now. So we have a lot of problems” he sighed.
“Dear Dave and you fight with me, when Depeche is…”
“Mia, don’t leave me here! I beg you, don’t!”
“I… I won’t.”
“If I hadn’t come out, you’d be gone right now!”
I didn’t answer, I was just swallowing my tears as I was sitting on the edge of the bed, folding my hands in my lap. I was just watching his hand, which was holding my forearm. I was staring at the veins on his hand, the tattoo on his forearm and I wasn’t thinking for a few minutes, just one thing came into my mind: I was useless. I upset everything and everybody just to ruin them….
“Dave… why am I here? How can I expect of you two to attend to me?” I asked.
“Mia…”
“No, I’m serious…” I looked at my left so I could find his eyes.
“Mia, if you don’t know why then I can go. You have to see why. We suffered a lot for each other, kitty. You see it started easily then we got bitten over each other and now it hurts – everything what happens hurts – although no much had changed, just the feeling that now we have something to lose – we can lose much, we can lose each other. Tell me what’d happened!”
And I’ve told him – my sister, my fears, my pains. He was listening to me for a long time, paying attention, then he pulled me to him and laid me down on bed.
“Now you’ll sleep” he decided it and I really fell asleep in his hugging arms.
---
I think those were the hardest and darkest days of my life. I was just lying in Dave’s arms after two hours sleep. My eyes were lifeless, staring somewhere far. It was a long time ago since I’ve felt myself this sad and empty. My head was filled with dark and painful thoughts – I was blaming myself.
“I’ve never said that it’ll be easy” Dave caressed me when he noticed that I was awake.
“Well it isn’t” I sighed.
“Never mind, kitty. Now we go swimming. I made you a training schedule – a strict agenda for every day – you won’t have time for self-destructing thoughts. This had helped me too. If there was anything good in visiting every fucking corner of Hell it was this: helping other people, who end up like me. And of course tonight you’ll sing. No protesting! I was singing even when I couldn’t see the fans’ face in the first row – I was so high because of heroine. You must do it, you must respect your work, our work. You do it for me, for Martin, for yourself and because you appreciate it and you love DM. Come on! Stand up!” he jogged me.
First I didn’t want to move, but the weight of his gaze forced me to obey. He wouldn’t have left me alone anyway. I slowly put on my bikini and let him lead me by his hand to the pool, which was just ours. After a few lengths I grabbed the edge of the pool and waited him to approach me.
“Dave, what’ll we do with the press? Did Jen call you?” I asked quietly.
“She called. She called me on many names – except a human.”
“Jesus, I’m so sorry!”
“Don’t, just love me. I don’t want to pat my shoulder, but I couldn’t bear it anymore. I had to decide: to bear the responsibility of our relationship or not. Although we’re three here, the lines are getting slowly clear. I want you Mia and you belong to me.”
“But… what’ll we do now?”
“I try to appease her and I don’t know what’ll come. Time will tell.”
“Haven’t she threaten you with leaving you?”
“Well she threatened me with many things, but not with this. I’ve told you that poor Jen doesn’t know or understand the half of the things here and I hope that moment won’t come ever!”
“She just can’t accept your relationship with Mart.”
“No, there’s no way she can. But this’d be the situation with our threesome too. She’s something different – she’s purer than me – she can see things from another, a clearer perspective. And please don’t ask then why I’m not with her! You cannot know or understand this – neither do I. You remember: "I have to believe that sins makes a better man...". The love between us three is wonderful and special although it can’t fit into any average, tagged categories. And beyond the sensual desires it really is a clean feeling. I love him with love – I had to realise this, I had to confess it to myself too. He knows this a long time ago, this is why he had been suffering this much because of me. And you – don’t say you aren’t a pure woman, you are. You went to search for Mart when you were ill, you comforted me. You loved me. Right? You didn’t do it because of some own interests. Believe me, you are purer than a lot of depraved upper-class snobbish wives with the mask of chastity on their faces and with dripping viciousness in their hearts, sitting next to their superannuated rich husbands, whom they hate and are grossed out from them, and whom they torture in a sophisticated way. Mia, don’t listen to the evil world’s voices! Listen to me, sweetie. Like in the tale: you’re mine and I’m yours. At least let’s lie this honestly to each other, and most of all let’s lie to each other that we believe this.”
Inside I let his words circulate. He was right in many things, but there were things I saw in a different way. It’s true that love made me do what I’ve done, but I didn’t feel myself as a pure woman. I was far from it, but I didn’t say it aloud. It was enough that I knew it. It was enough just to think on my past and my sister, who hates me. My sister… I still couldn’t believe that she hates me this much. That she’ll die. I sighed and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to cry again. I was fed up with my tears.
“So then let’s clear something” he lifted my chin with his hand “Do you love me?”
“I love you.”
“Fine. With this you’ve decided not to drink alcohol or take meds. If you love me this is the rule you have to follow – of course it’s for both of us. Did you notice that I never take any pills even when I’m nervous or my head aches – cuz sometimes it does hurt? This isn’t a coincidence.”
“And Martin? What’ll be with Mart? He drinks so much.”
“He’s different. He’s not you. He has been doing this for 35 years and it was fucking hard for me too to stop it, because it was a very long time ago since I had a sober life – or I’d rather say that I never knew what it felt like being sober. But you’re different, you’ve started this just one or two months ago and it’s over now. I’ve decided this and if you want me then this is the way it is!! I’ll try to help Martin too, but you know, old fox doesn’t learn new tricks. I do the same with him too. If there’s a cause why he is able not to sink too deep then it’s me. Did you see that he hasn’t knocked himself out for weeks now? I know that he does drink, but believe me, the amount does count. If you pull yourself together and you’re in, we can give him a call and try to help him too.”
“Of course I want to help him, cuz I love him too” I smiled at him weakly “And… I accept your conditions, although I know it won’t be easy to keep myself to them – especially at the beginning.”
“Sadly it’s true, but I trust you and I know that you’ll be able to fight the temptation” he took my face between his hands to wipe away the few waterdrops.
I nodded “Heal me, Dave… heal me…” I whispered hugging him, resting my chin on his shoulder as I shut my eyes tightly.
My heart was still aching from the sadness I felt, but I knew that even he wasn’t able to wipe it out of there with his steadiness. I think my eyes weren’t the same. I felt as if something went wrong in me. I knew that Dave’s next purpose was to free me from my med-addiction. Then we can help for Martin together. But Cornelia’s phone call was still chewing my heart. I didn’t move for long minutes. I was still watching the waving water behind his back as I asked quietly the question, which was bugging me for a while now:
“You… what do you think of my sister’s call?”
“I think she shouldn’t have talked to you like this, although I don’t know the exact circumstances. Why did her husband cheat on her with you?” he asked carefully.
“Cuz it was a fussy revenge. Back then I was too stupid to think through what kind of avalanche I can start with wrapping her husband around my finger…” I sighed a big one, still motionless “I thought, I can fight back with this for living in her shadow. I confess, I was jealous of her. It’s such a stupid human attitude…” I laughed shortly and bitterly “I think, you didn’t know how it feels like growing up in someone’s shadow. Maybe no one else can understand it why I wanted to take revenge for everything she’d done against me… Well… I’ve succeeded. Now she and my mother hate me too. My dad had died in my eyes when I was a child and my mother took always Cornelia’s side. I was alone against them.”
“I’m sure it was though” he stroked my back.
“Don’t get me wrong – I got on with life. I’ve quickly learn how to take care of myself, counting only on my own strength. There hadn’t been open fights between us. And I loved, I love them still – in my own way. I just can’t bear the thought that someone hates me. I think this is my nature. I’m too hungry for love” I made a bitter face.
“Well then I know exactly what you’re talking about. There were times when I was begging for love. I was able to crawl on the floor for it. My second marriage – well, looking back at it – wasn’t a beautiful experience! But of course I should have known that women like strong guys, whom they can rely on. And often I wasn’t… I am not like that. Maybe this is why I cling to you and I fear you in the same time.”
“David, you? You fear me?”
“Why? It hurts when someone crushes your heart and I jump from every stupid thing, I’m fucking sensitive.”
“Sensitive, yes, but it doesn’t mean to me that you’re weak!” I protested as I pulled back a bit so I could look into his eyes again “If you were weak then you wouldn’t be this firm with me in this med-addiction thing. You wouldn’t make me puke in the bathroom. No, you acted immediately. David, sweetheart, you’re a firm and strong man, who has a soft and beautiful heart in the same time…” I stroked his face “And David, I fear you too. I’m afraid of giving myself completely to you, cuz…”
“… you want to say that I can never be fully yours, right?”
“Right.”
“Maybe it’s good. It keeps our relationship alive, cuz we fight for reaching this all the time. We must be satisfied with what we have. Just one step at a time. Here and now, okay? As a first step let’s go up to my room, okay? Did we mention hunger for love? I want to nuzzle to you kitty, feeling the heat of your body, listening to your breaths in my neck and feeling your heart beats under my palm.”
“I think there’s nothing which could prevent us from doing this” I smiled softly and kissed him gently. Then for a minute I was just looking into his wonderful eyes. I let him take my hand, pulling me out of the pool. He dried my body with a towel then he took me up to his room.
“When’ll Mart come back?” I asked as I stepped out of the bathroom, letting my wet hair fall onto my shoulders and back and I looked down at him as he was lying on the bed.
“I don’t know, I call him, give me a minute” he took his cell into his hand. After maybe the 20th ringing he picked it up and we could hear a tired voice on the other end of the line. Dave covered the speaker and whispered to me “I’ll cheer him up, watch!” and he pulled his hand away “Hi sweetie, I miss you. Where are you?” he whispered into the phone on a low tone. On the other end of the line there was silence. It was clear that Dave had never done this with him before. Dave was grinning like mad. After a while we heard an enormous sigh:
“DAVID?”
“Who else, my friend? Come here, we need you! Now!”
Martin started stuttering, which he never did before in my presence “Dave, I’m on a meeting now and…”
“Oh come on! Wave goodbye to them and come here, we are waiting for you with Mia” Dave ended the conversation and turned to me “See? Now he’s excited not just because of the stuffs we have to loan” he laughed “And by the way it’s true, I miss him.”
“I miss him too.”
“Stupid stuff! I tell Kessy to take this whole problem into his hand, cuz Martin’s batteries are low.”
I laughed from Kessler’s nickname as I lay down next to him in my soft bathrobe. I was watching him as he called John, who promised that he’ll take care of it. Dave put his cell down with a satisfied smile.
“I think Blondie needs just half an hour before he arrives” he smiled.
“I think I can bear it. Barely” I smiled back, hugging his chest with one hand “I want to put my hands onto his soft skin” I sighed.
“Uh-uh, he really has soft skin. And he smells so good” Dave answered while he nestled himself into my arms. He was hugging me so tightly! Although I knew it wasn’t willingly, he just caressed me. How hard his muscles are, I thought. What a wonderful guy I have here in my arms! Yeah, he’s not 30 anymore, but who cares? I looked at his body over his head, which was resting on my shoulder. I felt his hot breath tickling my throat. His body has a great anatomy, I mused. It wasn’t a coincidence that the term ‘he’s as beautiful as a sculpture’ comes into my mind when I look at him. I started kissing his temple and he was purring gratefully and hugged me even closer.
“What do you want to do to Martin, Dave? Would you tell me?”
“Well, first we should greet him” he murmured “for example with a hot kiss” he smiled.
“And?”
“Then we should take his clothes off – because of the heat of course.”
“And?”
“He’s surely tired, I can lay him down on the bed, he…”
“… has to rest…”
We were shaking from laughter now.
“Yeah, he needs to rest… But we should pamper him a bit too, cuz he was running a lot because of the band” he stroked the sleeve of my robe up and he started drawing small circles onto my forearm, which caused goose bumps all over my body. I knew he noticed them on my arm, but it didn’t disturb me. I rather stroked along his back lazily.
“Yeah, he deserves this…” I answered and sighed from the nice heat of his body.
“Hmm… it only depends on us that after it he goes out into the bathroom with shaking legs, putting a ciggy into the corner of his mouth” Dave grinned and he gave me a spectacular show what he could do with his tongue. He didn’t even touch me, but I thought I’d die there as I was watching him mesmerized.
“What? You want some too?”
“Uh-uh.”
“Do you want to be the first taster?” he turned his head towards me and leant closer so our lips were nearly touching now.
“Sure I want to be” I put my left hand onto his face “Once the lords had such tasters during the history, cuz they were frightened that something too poisonous could touch their lips” I caressed his skin with my fingertips. I felt his stubbles and from his scent and gaze my lower tummy wrung together.
“And what do you think? Is Martin frightened?” he leant even closer, but he pulled his head playfully back before I could kiss him.
“No… I don’t think so… But I’m afraid that you won’t show me how poisonous your lips are…” I answered hoarsely from desire and my eyes were darkening.
“Let me hear it! Say it!”
“What should I say?”
“You know! I want to hear it from you!”
“David, I want you!” I moaned into his ear.
“It’s so much better now that I know it” he panted into my ear as he rolled over me.
“Is this some aphrodisiac for you? You always making us say how desirable you are?” I slid my hand down his back and onto his waist, reaching his dark-grey boxer then I grabbed his fine little ass, which made him moan and he went for my robe’s belt.
“Yeah. I love to hear that. It’s music to my ears.”
“I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you…”
“Enough, thanks” he smiled “I want you too.” He redid my belt nicely “And now we hold ourselves back until our hearts blonde prince arrives. Let him show how much we want him.”
“You’re such a tease, Dave!”
“I’ll tell you jokes until he arrives, okay?” he asked hopefully.
“Okay” I sighed. Dave has a special humour and very lame jokes.
But of course I couldn’t stop myself and I touched him in the most unexpected moments and enjoyed seeing as he got lost in his jokes from these touches. I ran my fingers time after time over the V-line of my robe on my chest - ‘without any back thoughts’ of course - which he was following with lust in his eyes.
“Mia!” he moaned on a warning tone, interrupting one of his stories.
“What?” I asked with the most innocent look I was able to produce from my dirty self.
“Remember? We want to surprise Curly! And not with finding me on you as I scream my dizzying orgasm into the world!”
“DDDaviid, oh god, say it again!”
“What, sweetie? That Martin finds me on you as…” he leant to my ear and went on whispering “I scream my dizzying orgasm into the world as I cum hotly into you? Hmmmm?” he licked into my ear, which made my nipples hard. I moaned lustfully.
“You drive me crazy Dave, do you know it?”
“Sure I know it” he was biting my breasts and he roamed every curves of mine.
I nearly went insane. When I thought that I can’t take David’s caresses and dirty comments anymore, which he panted into my ear just because he knew I’d be able to cum just from his voice, there was finally a knock on the door.
He pulled his hands out from under my robe as quickly as if my skin had burned him. In the next moment I was panting on the bed alone. I looked at him confused as he hurried behind the door and waved with his eyes to invite Mart in.
“Come in!” I moaned hoarsely from desire.
Dave grinned evilly. So this was your goal? – I grunted inside and knew that as Martin stepped in he faced my eyes, which were glistening darkly from the lust I felt, while I was propping myself on my elbows, lying on the bed. Well, okay… let’s play, I thought and pulled one of my legs up so I could show him my naked thigh. With my right index-finger I started caressing my cleavage along the hem of my robe.
“Finally… I thought you’ll never get here… Ah… Marty…” I sighed lustfully, giving him a seducing look, from which I know Martin always melts onto the floor.
I saw him gasp for air. It was suddenly much warmer in the room. He didn’t notice Dave as he closed the door, not paying too much attention to it. He was staring at me, keeping the eye-contact, so Dave could sneak behind him unnoticed. But he didn’t touch Curly yet, who was looking at me with dry mouth. His body strained as desire washed over him and I saw that the question started forming in his head where Dave was, but for now he saw just me. And I let the soft fabric slide down from one of my shoulders.
Martin knelt onto the bed and in that moment two strong arms hugged him from behind. Mart moaned in his sweet delight. I just realised who was the one he wanted more this time. His face showed an unearthly yearning. He started shaking from David’s touch, who was gently kissing his neck or bit his nape roughly. In turns – again and again. And Martin slowly slid onto the bed…
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