She tries for the 5th time now. The words just don’t want to come out right.
I’m glad you could convince your family to come back with you – I really am. I am not at all happy with the situation I am in now – for obvious reasons. Tell me one thing: Which woman would be so naive to wait for a lover while he is rearranging his nest, cuddling close to his beloved wife and kids? You can’t expect me to carry that burden, that pain! I was close to have my own little family. It was roughly taken from me before time. And now you’re taken away from me aswell – though wait – did I ever had you? It’s more that cruel fate lend you to me for some heavenly moments. It’s just now that I finally realize what happened to me – and it gives me a massive grief. Looks as if it’s pay day. I was living on debts and now I’m presented the bill. Should have known better – again.
John told me you’d need some time – me not being on the radar. You have all the time in the world as I will not wait for you. I don’t want to see you ever again – as I simply can’t stand it!
No, no, no! She scrumbles the paper again. It’s already way after midnight. She’s on the verge to tears again, biting her lower lip. And then the phone rings.
„Ciara? I have not much time – I just want you to know everything will be fine in the end – you have to trust me, please! And take care of that puzzle piece – it’s from one of R’s. She will kill me if she’d know I took it. Angel, take care!“
„She’s back any minute!“
„Did you tell her about me?“
„Yes, I had to. That’s why it’s better she won’t get me with you now.“
„So you had to promise to terminate it. What did I expect. David, it hurts so much!“
„Baby, be patient – I know you’re in pain. Don’t you think it’s easy for me here aswell. I assure you I pay too. Got to go! I love you!“
The line goes dead.
He loves me! That’s absurd! And she knows about me. Now she will even have a closer watch on him. There he is again – in his cage!
She knows what’s happening to her. Doesn’t take long and she feels like dirt again. The pain inside is unbearable. It needs a bigger pain from the outside to get some relief. Like in a trance she enters her kitchen and grabs the vegetable knife she used earlier for preparing some peppers. The steel feels pleasantly cold in her palm.
Promise me – don’t go down that road!
I wish you would be here, David! You have no idea how much I need you now! Ah, I’m such a piece of dirt thinking of threatening you with this! I simply can’t stand the pain any longer. I have nothing! I wasn’t even able to keep the baby. I’m worthless. Useless.
There’s a loud knocking at her front door. She must have overheard the bell drowned in her misery. Hell, it’s three in the morning! Dizzy and blind from tears she staggers to the door.
Before realizing what’s happening somebody grabs her right arm and drags the knife hastily out off her fingers.
„God! Angel, come to your senses!“
She doesn’t even recognize the blood dripping from her left wrist. Then there’s another voice and four arms lift her up and carry her to her bedroom. John’s stern face and David’s glassy dark eyes.
„How did you know?“ Her words trail off and she only is wailing with pain.
„I didn’t want to bother you.“
„Shhhhh, relax! I’m here.“
He takes her into his arms, cradling her, while John carefully cleans the wounds with antiseptics and then bandages her arm up to the elbow.
„You’re lucky we were in time – don’t think we’ll need 911.“
„She’s asleep, look.“ David cautiously gets up from the bed and adjusts the blankets.
„You should see what she did in the bathroom.“
He follows Kessler. Peering into the said room he turns even paler than he already was. The whole mirror is smeared with black marker and blood.
„I am dirt! I am worthless! I am nothing! I can’t keep an unborn! I have no love! I have nothing! I have no life!“
David can’t hold back his tears now and his head sinks onto John’s shoulder, crying silently.
„She needs professional help, David. This is out off your hands, mate!“
„It’s all so bloody familiar! I should have insisted the first time she told me she lost the baby recently she’d see a therapist. And I should know about depression, hell! And what did I do?“
„You fucked her – and obviously well enough to leave an impression.“
David straightens again and flashes an angry look at Jonathan now.
„No, I never fucked her! We made love.“
„That’s even worse - emotions involved. And you see the result now.“
„John, I feel responsible. And I already pay for my sins. She didn’t want to bother me with her pain – instead she encouraged me to go for Jen and the kids, giving me the rest of her energies left. I need to do something for her now!“
„Ok, David. You go home now and try to keep things low profile – whatever you tell Jen now. I will stay here and in the morning arrange things with a clinic. Remember when you had your last depressive phase? Hopefully they won’t need long and she can continue with a local shrink.“
„You’re right.“ He looks for his jacket. „Wait as sec – I just need to have another look.“
He quietly enters her bedroom. The dim light of the lamp on her nightstand gives the whole scenery something surreal. Planting a kiss onto her forhead he whispers:
„Angel, you tear my heart into shreds, but it’s only fair. I must have done it to you much earlier aswell. Can’t express how sorry I am!“
„Kiss me where it hurts.“ She hadn’t moved or opened her eyes.
She breathes deep and regularly. No, she’s not. He waits another moment. She just moves slightly in her sleep, groaning nearly inaudibly.
Where it hurts...he glances at her left wrist. Hmh. Then he decides to unbutton her short sleeved shirt she’s still wearing. Bending his head over he kisses the space over her left breast. Resting his ear against it he can hear her strong, recurring heart beat.