„Hey, come on! That party will blow your mind! It’s better to get out off that depressive cycle of yours!“
„Mart, I don’t want to! Not want to be there, not want to be here – and all over not to feel at all!“
Jack pokes his face into the living room, having caught my last words apparently.
„Please, you need to take some piccies! And it’s no real birthday party without you!“
„You can leave any time – just give it a shot!“
I stare at those two guys. Perhaps they’re right. I’m recoiling here for the last three days now – it’s no good!
„Just as long as I can stand it, OK?“
„That’s my girl!“
Mart pecks my cheek and then ushers me upstairs.
„You need to look fooking gorgeous!“
Rummaging in my huge suitcase I can’t decide what to wear. Martin checks a transparent, black blouse and a corsage.
„Rrrrrr – that one would be hot!“
„Geez, do you want all the youngsters there drooling over me!?“
His infectious laughter fills the room.
„Well, as long as you’d give me something to drool...let’s look for some skirt!“
„Ah, no! I’m not feeling comfy in a skirt these days! How about that black Marlene pants?“
I grab the garment in question, fiddling around with the wide cut legs at the bottom.
„Umh, yeah – suppose it’ll show off your legs as well – yet it’s not the same!“
„You little pervert! Why don’t YOU wear a skirt then? Along with one of your naughty thongs?“
„Ha ha ha, can I borrow that one?“
He points onto the black, velvet one.
„Now, that you teased me...I’m just getting my thong and leather jeans!“
Dashing out off the bedroom I shortly wonder. Where the heck does he want to get his stuff from? Driving to Andy’s will take a while. He really seems to be caught with that idea! Weird enough it just takes five minutes for him to return.
„Did you teleport or what?“
„No, I have my luggage in Jack’s room. Remember I have to catch the flight to Santa Barbara tomorrow evening?“
„Oh, shit – yes!“
„And staying with Andy at the moment is a little...let’s say exhausting!“
He’s turning serious again.
„Siv, he’s going into rehab for a month. Same clinic he already was in the 90ties with his nervous breakdown. I finally convinced him.“
Then he smiles again.
„And that’s for sure all we will talk about Mr. Fletcher for tonite – cheer up there, baby! The pieces will all fall back into the right place sooner or later! You can’t do anything now but get back on your own feet and regain some confidence!“
I sigh and nod. It’s so good to talk with Curly! He always seems to find the right words at the right time.
„A little more dramatic make-up, come on!“
He fetches the mascara and approaches me.
„Geez, Mart – not too much! I’m not a goth whore!“
„Just to stress your beautiful eyes – and to match with my style! It’s water proof by the way.“
He smirks and then gently brushes the dark cream onto my lashes.
„No, not that glitter eye shadow! Please!!!“
I finally can shush him off and just add a bit rosy lip gloss.
„Gosh, my eyes! That’s for sure drama – all in capital letters!“
„When was the last time you really dressed up? It’s absolutely fine the way it is!“
I check his outfit now. Boy, that skirt over his leather pants, the black t-shirt with the spider web on it – plus the eye make-up!
He snickers and moves.
„Oh my god! You can’t go like that! It’s not a stage session – it’s a local british club!“
I see his shoulders shaking with his laughter.
The very low cut trousers reveal lots of his bare glutes – the black leather string prominently sticking out from the pale skin. The black belt with all those studs underline the kinky attitude. Sure, it’s so much Mart – yet I’m not certain at all if it’s really a good idea – that much straight into the face!
„Can I lend that lipstick?“
„Don’t change the subject, Martin Crazy Lee Gore! It’s enough frivolities!“
Then I can’t help it to join his roaring laughter.
„I could need a bit of your black nail polish though!“
Jack loosens the scarf from his neck. I hate those silly party games, but trying not to be a spoilsport I let him have his fun. The happening is nearly over – most of his friends sloshed or gone. There are probably 5 people left in his flat. The fortunate few that made their way out off the club into Jack’s sacred abode. The Gutter Twins are crooning out off the speakers and my eyes are covered by his slender fingers.
„Oouch, not too tight!“
Some giggles from the audience around. Jack shushes and then you can just hear a little squeaking of the wooden floor.
He spins me around several times. I really lose orientation in the room. There I stand – stretching my arms out into the great nowhere. Then there’s another hand, taking mine. Next I sense is a cold liquid dripping into my palm.
The hand leads me and then I feel a bare chest! With soft pressure I’m directed to apply that creamy stuff onto the skin. The hand guides me lower. I try to drag my arm away but the grip now gets stronger.
„Don’t be afraid.“
I feel the impression of a navel – and then my fingers touch a familiar line! Obviously the V is hereditary! The hand changes my direction to the side and I feel the firm muscular flesh of his hip. Little bastard!
„Jack, that’s enough!“
Instead of an answer my hand is lifted and then placed again. An electric jolt flashes through my body when I feel a metal ring and definitely parts of his scrotum!
I wriggle myself finally free and rip the scarf from my eyes – furious!
There he stands in front of me – completely in the nude! The light in the room is dimmed down, only a few candles are burning on the couch table. No other person around.
„I complimented them all out – leaving home.“
He slowly moves nearer.
„Come, touch me again. I don’t want anything else – just feel your hands on me – please!“
My eyes move over his pleasant forms – this is not right! The tiny tattoo on his pubic bone catches my interest. That’s what Dave was referring to during the shoot!
„Japanese. It means ‚I will always give my best’!“
He grins now.
„A bit macho, I know!“
Then he lifts his balls.
„As is this. I simply couldn’t resist! And it was worth the pain!“
„I thought your dad was warning enough for you!“
„It hurt like hell, yes! But the pleasure it gives now...and he doesn’t know I have exactly this! He’s still wondering!“
His eyes are burning me.
„Jack – I don’t want to mess up with the mood, but I can’t do this. Not to you, not to Dave and mostly not to myself.“
„All I want is you to touch me – there’s no harm in it, hey!“
„It’s crossing a line.“
„Yes, but that’s the idea of it!“
He pulls me to the near by couch and sits next to me. His hand slowly trails down the contours of my face. God, I know that begging look from David!
„Jack, I can do just one thing – touch you with my camera.“
„You have to move very, very close with it.“
His hot breath against my shoulder. The gauzy material of my blouse is no shield at all.
„Didn’t you recognize I didn’t drink tonight?“
„Not a drop alcohol – just for you! Siv, I wanted all my senses clear. I don’t want to appear like a tipsy, horny twen who’s just after some easy lay.“
God, he’s so cute!
„Can I touch them, please?“
„What are you talking about?“
A moment of silence. I look over to the window, watching a candle melting into another one next to, extinguishing itself. No idea what to say or to do now! What’s right, what’s wrong?
I turn my face towards him again. What’s going on behind that beautiful forehead?
His right hand slowly starts unbuttoning my blouse. Now I’m a bit worried as I declined in the end to wear the black corsage Mart suggested and put on a lace embroidered top instead. With a cautious pull he moves up the fabric. I can see the sudden change in his expression – yet before I can say or do anything his lips are already brushing over them, leaving feather light kisses on my tummy.
Christ, just like Dave! It’s been his first reaction as well – trying to kiss away the pain.
Jack rests his head on my belly. I can’t resist and let my fingers run through his hair. Then I sense some wetness on my skin. He’s silently crying over me.
„I’m so sorry! I don’t know what’s gotten into me!“
„It’s in the past, Jack. It can’t hurt me any longer.“
„I mean – I don’t know myself at the moment – finding you attractive, wanting you.“
„You’re only 22 – your life just starts. Everyone of us went through some trials, gathering experiences. And hormones can be a wicked thing. I struggle with it every month.“
He looks up now and blinks at me with his still wet eyes, a little smile smuggling back onto his cheeks.
„You should know.“
„Well, I’m nearly the age of your mom – I definitely should.“
Wiping away a tear from his chin I continue.
„And that’s one reason why I don’t think it’s a good idea to get closer than appropriate, Jack. Imagine sharing your bed with your mother!“
„Geez! You’re not like that! But honestly, you’re right.“
He cocks one brow.
„And you still look damn hot to me!“
„There are and will be some more women you will say the same about, believe me. I suggest you call Val over and get rid of your ‚tension’.“
Now it’s me with the evil smirk.
„I was wondering why you waved her good-bye at the club.“
„Cause I wanted to be with you. Would have been way more difficult to send her home once she was here.“
He gets up. I adjust my clothes quickly and follow him.
„I’ll call you a taxi, OK?“
„That would be sweet.“
Before he reaches for the phone, he drags me into a tight embrace. I can feel his hardness against my groin. Then he lets go and before I can complain he places my hand onto his growing cock.
„You’re not old enough, yet. You can’t leave without a least THAT experience!“
Mart’s hands on my bum, squeezing my cheeks.
„I will call you when I’m home, angel!“
Then he kisses me deeply once again before he reaches for the handle of his wheeled suitcase. The automatic glass doors are opening.
„And you know – you always have a place in Santa Barbara to go to if you need. I’d take you with me on the spot, but you’re right – there’s some work to be done – not only for you.“
„You have your passport and ticket?“
„Argh! Remember last time? Who had to drive back?!“
„Viva might give her old daddy a few lessons.“
Then his smile slips away again.
„You be a good girl, Sivvi! I know you’ll find a way. And next time we will go through the manuscripts for the DM-project! I’m already collecting everything I can lay my hands on. And I will send Jonathan a message. You simply can’t ignore him!“
„We still talk on Skype once a week – you let him his peace!“
The gate is called another time. He really needs to hurry now. Standing behind the glass door I see hisblond curls disappear after the barrier, entering the security zone.
The ringtone of my mobile yanks me back into the Docklands Railway. It’s a bit from the city airport back into the West End.
„Hey, Siv! Somewhere around? I could need a bit of help editing the video! I’m nearly there, but there’s something missing – as usual! Plus we have a fixed release date for the album now.“
„Hell, have you been working days and nights?! That’s bloody fast!“
„Well, with the loads of good material and the perfect planning...come and see!“
„OK, give me 30 minutes.“
The train bounces every now and then, taking narrow bends around the Quays. Like meandering snakes the rail tracks glisten in the low sun light – it’s near dawn. My thoughts flash back to Jack. Darn, Ant – why did you call?!
‚Call’ ist he right hint. The taxi last night was never booked. Jack’s hand didn’t lift the phone but my hand and guided me into his bedroom. No, not to have mindblowing sex. I would have been way too tired anyway to enjoy it and I thought I made myself clear on the matter. We just snug into the sheets and I closed my eyes, listening to his soft breathing against my neck. One after the other he had stripped my clothes off and then just moved a little closer to the warmth of my body. It didn’t take long and I must have dozed off.
Next thing I remembered was the bright daylights flooding the room – and a hand between my legs. Realizing I was awake he immediately closed my mouth with a kiss – going on with his finger movements. Only a few moments later I bucked against his hand, not being able to avoid a powerful climax. He let out a loud groan and then I felt him releasing onto my left thigh. Seeing the red tinge on his face I simply had to pull him closer and kissed him intensely.
„Jack, I think you need to train your restraint a bit further.“
He blushed even more.
„I wonder how dad manages it all the time. We had that one talking last time.“
„Hey, he’s vast more experience than you! You will learn that it’s more fullfilling for both partners to wait every now and then.“
„OK, M.I.L.F. – what do you want for breakfast?“
„Oh, finally – at your service!“
„Jesus, I meant that M.I.L.F. thing! I don’t like it!“
„Nothing happened – and won’t until you say so.“
„You call that nothing?!“
I could have slapped his face for that smug grin again!
„A finger job is petting, not sex – at least in my book!“
„Jack Gahan, don’t try to give me that Bill Clinton thing! I need a shower and a bloody strong tea now, you hear me?“
„So if I had a cigar you would let me...?“
The rest of his sentence was muffled by a pillow I pressed onto his face.
Oops, I nearly missed the right stop to change trains! Just make it to the already closing doors. The all too wellknown ‚Mind the gap!’ in my back I jump onto the escalator up.
The „could-you-just-pop-in-for-a-moment“ at Anton’s studio develops into a night long session. When I barely can decipher anything on the monitors anymore and am no longer able to stifle a big yawn, he seems to be content. It’s 3.25 am!
Well, at least I was so busy I didn’t even spend one thought on Jack, Andy, Mart or Dave. Perhaps that was Ant’s plan in the end – who knows? The way he smiles at me now nourishes my suspicions.
I refuse him driving me back at Joanne’s. Having been sitting for that long I need to walk a bit, getting some fresh air to soothe the pain developing in my head.
A textmessage beeps in. I flip my mobile open and find an email.
„Hi, my sweet angel!
I know you must be sleeping now due to the friggin time shift. Just wanted to drop you a few lines. Big hug from Rosie, by the way! I had to sketch onto her plaster – geez! I wish you were here – you’re way more talented in girlie stuff! Who needs to know how to draw a unicorn?! I’m still in my studio – avoiding to join my other angel in bed. I know she deserves all the love I can give. And it’s not that bad – only I have to think about you all the time when I touch her. That’s strange – as I know her body so much longer – every single pore – and she still makes my heart sing kinda. It needs time, patience...I know – and feeling all this still for her gives me hope that the pieces will fall back into place. Sounds familiar? Yes, I had a chat with Curly, too. These words of him got me and telling him that I could imagine his smile when he replied he originally whispered them into your ear. Baby, we all need to be strong. Time will tell. Before I forget – what’s going on with Jack? After my last chat with him I’m a bit curious. Anyway – he’s a great boy. I’m so glad I have him! Better shut down this stuff here now and get downstairs.
I kiss you all over and especially between your gorgeous, long legs – that sweet, wet, velvet place I feel happy and complete in! I love you! –Dave“
I have to sit down onto the next low wall that divides a strip of green grass from the sidewalk. Oh, David! There’s nothing more I want to be now than in your strong arms! And telling me about your desires is plain evil again! The other part of me chimes in that it’s about time he gets things straight with Jennifer – and the prospect of his still existing feelings was a good start.
Feeling the cold creeping up my back from the red bricks I slowly get up and check for my watch. It’s a quarter past four now. I hit the dial button.
„Dave, I needed to hear your voice. Especially after that email. Are you still up there in the studio?“
„Yes, dear. Just wanted to turn off the lights.“
His low baritone tickles my ear and a completely different region of my body.
„So you want to feel happy and complete.“
A short pause. I can hear him breathe sharply in.
„Shall I make you hot and needy this time, my horny hero? A little treat for Jen – she will not believe what will hit her.“
„Already on my way to the couch – the shabby leather one you like so much!“
He giggles slightly and I can hear the sound of his supposed to be jeans on the material.
„What are you wearing?“
„White t-shirt and jeans – and honestly, it’s already very tight in the crotch area!“
„How can I help you out off your misery?“
I can’t believe it! I’m sitting outside, in the dark and cold – a public London street – in the wee hours – on a private wall and give my lover a dose of phone sex!
„I need your hands – on me, moving over my chest, not in a hurry – all the way down.“
„Can I tear your t-shirt from you?“
„Not so hasty, my insatiable – step by step!“
„OK, I can feel your hard nipples through the thin material. Oh, I yearn to lick them!“
A low moan at the other end.
„Go for it, pull up my shirt! Let me feel the teasing tip of your tongue!“
This moment I freeze in shock as I suddenly see two Bobbies approaching me.
„Dave, the police – I need to stop!“
„Hell, I’m sitting here on a wall in a public street!“
This very moment the two policemen address me.
„Miss, what are you doing here that late?“
„Err, I got a phone call. I had some fight with my boyfriend and now it looks we solved the problem and he just apologizes and wants me to come back home.“
Geez, I really hope those two officers will buy that story!
„You better hurry up then. It’s not a good time to be alone that late at night as a woman – not in this area here. Some shady people around.“
„Thanks for the advice, officer! I will immediately call me a taxi.“
The elder of the two uniformed men now smiles at me and tips his head. Then the other answers his walkie talkie and both start walking on, down the lane.
„Did you hear that, Dave?!“
A big chuckle from his side.
„Aha, now I’m the bad, bad boyfriend!“
„Argh, I’m sorry! Now we can forget about any more naughty business I’m afraid.“
He turns serious again.
„It’s OK, baby! Next time. It lifted my spirits up anyway. Will go and shag the wife now.“
„You really better go now.“
„I will – not before telling you that you’re the sexiest woman in my universe right now. And making me hot for Jen – that’s just so sweet!“
„Hmh, I have my egoistic motifs... .“
„Hah, I bet! You get yourself a taxi and off to bed. Fuck me in your dreams – and do it properly! As we have that certain connection I will feel it somehow!“
„Rrrrrrrrrrrrr! Good night, my rock star!“
„Hold me tight, my dark angel!“
Andrew lifts his index finger and starts scratching at a little spot on the window pane. Outside in the park all happens like in a stage set – again and again. He can tell the time when that tall, pale guy in that striped dressing gown will stagger along the narrow path along the boxtree bushes, talking frantically to himself – always followed by a white dressed ‚shadow’. Yes, you have kinda ‚shadows’ around – keen on checking and shielding you from the worst.
God, already two weeks! Seems as he stepped into this room just half an hour ago! Nothing appears to have changed! The pain doesn’t want to go away!
„Andrew – the pain won’t go away just cause you wish for.“
He turns around, startled.
„You’ve been talking aloud – didn’t you recognize?“
The voice belongs to a blond, middle aged woman – tiny in figure but very strong in her features. Oh well, it’s time for ‚Ms Wire Wool’!
The therapist takes place next to the brown leather couch. Andy sighs and walks over to her, slightly bumping his head at the low hanging lamp – and lets himself drop onto the cold smooth material.
„You simply don’t want to avoid that!“
„You’re doing that since you’re here.“
She points at the still mildly swinging lamp.
„Hell, it’s just a fooking lamp!“
„And it’s just your lousy life – I know.“
She now smiles at him.
„Taking care of oneself ist he first step. Yes, it’s just a lamp – yet what hinders you to avoid contact with it? It’s in the way, OK. Then make a change!“
„Shall I rip it off the ceiling?!“
The bright blue eyes muster him.
„Moving your head slightly, knowing it’s there, is one option. You could tell the house technicien to shorten the cable, too.“
He doesn’t get it! What is that supposed to be? Counselling?!
She seems to read his thoughts, as usual.
„Andy, it’s the tiny things that make our lives hell sometimes. The same old paths we follow, again and again. You might say – the same mistakes. Mis-Take. Missing to take as in misunderstanding. A miss.“
„Ah, don’t give me that word play thingy again, Ms. MacMahon!“
„I really try hard to get through to you. Seems I haven’t found the right switch yet. And in the end it’s only you who can show it to me. YOU need to push it, not me.“