Oh, David! We can’t be old and wise enough not to be madly blinded with love – yes, love! It’s more than just carnal desire – that’s why it’s all so bleeding complicated!
Blinking a few times I then open the Mac again, logging into a travel site. ‚Super Weekend Saver’ – there’s a late flight to New York from LCY tonight – and a seat is available. With a deep sigh I hit the transmit button. Hopefully it’s my lucky Friday! Doesn’t take long and the confirmation returns to my mail account. My hand reaches for the mobile. It takes a moment before he accepts the call.
„Dave? Can you pick me up from La Guardia at 10.25 pm?“
„Tonight?!“
„I thought you needed to see me?“
„Gosh, you’re amazing! I really didn’t expect it – woohoo!“
„It’s the LCY flight.“
***
I grab my suitcase from the baggage claim and make it to the barrier. No David among the waiting faces. Then I recognize a man in grey suit, holding up a sign with my name on it. I follow him through the public area outside the terminal. A dark limousine is parking a bit down in the waiting zone. I’m just a few metres away when the car door opens. I see Dave’s dark hair and the next moment his arms close around me and his lips force themselves onto mine. Instantly I’m on fire – the more as I sense his hardness through the layers of fabric.
„Quick, back into the limo!“
He pulls me with him.
„I would have picked you up straight at the gate but there were some friggin press people sniffing around the airport.“
The chauffeur discretely closes the door and disappears in the front of the vehicle, the divider between him and us already moving up for privacy. It’s not completely closed when Dave is already over me. My system is on pure adrenaline! I answer his greedy bites and licks, letting my hands slip under his black shirt. His fingers already fumble with the button of my trousers, ripping the zipper open. Then he frantically opens his own fly.
„God, Dave! It’s not even two days and you...!“
I can’t continue as he silences me with a deep, wet kiss – turning me slightly and pressing me into the cream coloured leather cushions. It’s quite spacy in here – nearly like a couch. With swift movements he tears the pants over my ankles. Good luck I already dropped my elegant sandals before!
„I’ll get you new ones!“
With these hotly breathed words he simply rips my black panties off my thighs and then hastily bends his head between them. The pleasure feeling his tongue flicking around everywhere doesn’t last long. Already panting and groaning he adjusts his position and within the next breath his throbbing hard member drives into me. I let out a tiny gasp as he fills me completely. Establishing a steady, fast rhythm I already know I wouldn’t last long, too. Sucking him into another passionate kiss I answer his motions with my groin. Our bodies seem to decide on their own and with a raw yell he comes in my pulsing, hot pussy – me following shortly, closing my walls around him. Swept away in that lustful explosion we lay there entwined, his face nested in the bend of my neck – trembling and shaking in the aftermath.
„Sorry, baby! I just couldn’t restrain myself any longer!“
„Did you hear me complain?“
I twinkle at him and wipe a sweat drop gently from his freshly shaven chin.
„You will pay deerly for that string though – it was one of my favs!“
„As many as you can carry, angel!“
„I remember you said that once as well – and I didn’t see any of them.“
„Umh, I was that naughty before?!“
„Men! Yeah, you did that to me, don’t you know?“
He flashes me one of his dazzling smiles.
„There must have been more important things to concentrate on.“
I try to poke him but he fixes my arm fast enough.
„Let’s get dressed properly – it’s not that far.“
„You didn’t even take the time to properly undress – so stop talking!“
He grins and zips himself up, closing the buckle of his belt then.
„We will jump straight into the whirlpool.“
It didn’t go unnoticed that I hesitate to slip into my fashy thin trousers without any lingerie. It’s not a jeans.
„Argh, I will seep through!“
„I would help to clean you up a bit – but then we will never make it into the appartment tonite!“
Now I have to laugh aloud.
„What would you do? Letting that pour bastard drive around West village in circles?!“
„Don’t give me any ideas, Siv!“
***
„Rosie and Jimmy already sleeping?“
I follow Dave into the living room. He pulls my suitcase with him direction guestroom.
„Ah, you got it repaired.“
My eyes wander over the headboard. Last time was a bit...wild!
He’s a smug grin on his face now.
„You should have seen Jen’s face! I couldn’t hide it from her. I told her at least I hadn’t shagged you in our bed – though that was a little lie.“
He turns serious and kisses me softly. There’s a slight change in mood – I can feel it.
„Rosie is in her bed dreaming, I hope – I couldn’t convince her to go to granny. She insisted seeing you - and Jimmy is on a class trip to Washington, visiting a pal there over the weekend.“
„You’re so sweet, you know that?“
„Yeah – sweet and horny!“
He musters me and lets his eyes linger a little more down.
„Baby, you leak!“
I follow his view. Damn, he’s right! There’s a reasonable big wet spot showing between my legs now.
„It’s all your fault, you know!“
***
„Shush!“
Dave is silently sneaking into Rosie’s room. The little blond girl lies there peacefully snuggling into her pillow – one foot sticking out from under the blanket.
I stand in the doorway, smiling. Judging his expression he has to restrain himself not tickling her. Instead he gently moves her leg back under the cover and plants a featherlight kiss onto her hair. There’s so much love in his eyes now – kinda radiating from him. A deep rip is going through my heart suddenly. That’s the David that’s never going to be mine. And if it wasn’t pain enough he turns and his glowing eyes meet my glassy stare. I can’t help it but look down and leave for the living room. My so familiar place – the window – is waiting. The darkness is zooming back at me – only disturbed by all the tiny lights of a city that never sleeps. No, it’s not up to me to bring up this topic. I should have known and I thought I was always aware of it and ready to deal with.
Dave’s soft lips on my nape, his arms coming from behind, just holding me tight. I lean back against his chest.
„Baby, what’s wrong?“
„It’s not important, Dave.“
He now turns me around to face him and tries to read in my eyes again with his gorgeous deep ones.
„Oh, yes – it’s important!“
My lips slightly tremble.
Please don’t do this to me, Dave!
His hand wanders up my right arm and his fingers search for a certain spot.
„You should get this removed if you want to become pregnant.“
„David?!“
„Why do you think I try to get you back into Andy’s arms? I mean, besides all the obvious reasons. I know for some time that you feel the need for a baby – a family.“
„Please, don’t, Dave!“
„No, now we talk about it. You miss feeling ‚at home’, being safe – giving all the love you have inside you to a child of your own – the love you never got from your parents. The love that bleeding ex of yours couldn’t afford.“
He stabilizes me with his body as I start to shake with uncontrollable sobs.
„I so much would like to fulfill your need, but I can’t give you that happy family – obviously. And what would you tell Andrew, returning to him – pregnant from me?“
„I don’t give a damn!“
„Siv!“
„Will I ever have a family with Andy!? It seems as surreal to me now as what we share!“
I bite my lips till they hurt.
„Always the wrong timing – a life full of waisted chances! Look at me, David! I’m not twenty any more. The one I really want I cannot have! Yes, you! I have to face it that my heart will never be quiet and complete – and seeing you the same way simply urges me to cry out in pain – as I don’t want to be the reason for your suffering! Rosie needs you and her mom – your undivided attention and love.“
„We are not responsible for our feelings, baby. I don’t want to talk you into anything – I just hoped your bonds with Andy were strong enough.“
„They would be – if you wouldn’t exist on this planet. And no, you don’t need to say it again – same goes for you.“
The tears overwhelm me another time. The pressure of his embrace increases and then I hear him crying as well against my neck.
Fuck!
„Siv, angel – I want it.“
His voice muffled and still trembling with sadness.
„I want a baby with you.“
„Dave!?“
Gingerly I move his head a bit away from me. His wet eyes glisten at me – and the raw feelings hit me like a fist into the stomach.
„Let me give you a living sign of hope – my unconditional love to you!“
His wet lips meet mine and our tears mingle in a deep kiss.
„You are mad, David!“
„Yes – mad for you!“
He lifts me up and carries me to the couch.
***
„How long will it take before you can conceive?“
Dave pecks my lips breathlessly and loosens the grip of his legs around my hips slightly. We’re sitting on a blanket on the floor near to the couch, entwined – his cock still buried deep inside of me. Rocking slowly against each other I feel the last waves of my orgasm fading away. Nibbling at his lower lip my eyes lock with his.
„Around four weeks.“
„OK – I’ll get you to a gynaecologist later today.“
„David – I haven’t decided yet!“
„Oh yes, you have!“
He drags me into a firm kiss.
„Andy only has two weeks to go.“
„Tell him you experienced problems with contraception and use condoms.“
„You can’t be serious!“
„Baby, I’m absolutely serious – I want to be sure it’s my offspring.“
„Don’t tell me you’ll mark the day in your filofax!“
He now grins at me.
„Exactly that’s what I’m going to do! And then you will be all mine again!“
„It’s nothing that really follows a schedule, Dave!“
„I know. It took ages to get Jo pregnant when we tried. Happened when we didn’t expect it.“
His hands brush up and down my arms.
„Just let us not miss that chance, angel.“
„I hear your brain clicking – you’re already making plans, David!“
„Stop worrying, Siv! Just trust me – love me!“
LIII.
„Why do you have that big band aid there? Did you hurt yourself?“
Rosie eyes me while we’re clearing the breakfast table. Fact is – Dave took me straight to the hospital, a little after 8 this morning! As we didn’t sleep at all it just came in handy – his words – and knowing one of the docs in the labour ward finally weakened me completely and I gave in. When we returned with some cornets from the baker and deli his little star was sitting on the couch, watching her tv series. Dave was wise enough to leave her a note at the fridge door – knowing she would look there.
„Yeah, don’t know how, but I tried to get rid off a spot some days ago and it got infected and started festering.“
„Ugh!“
„You telling me! But it’s better now, still hurts – needs time to heal.“
Gosh – I’m just a story teller again!
She puts the two bowls away into the cupboard and then moves towards me, cuddling her short arms around me. I go down to my knees to hug her properly. Dave finds us this way returning from his office where he had a phone call. Looking over Stella’s shoulder our eyes meet. Oh my! His lips silently form somewords.
„You will be such a great mom!“
The day passes away – me still heavily in thoughts. Rosie clinging to me, happily chatting away – trying to make up for all the time we didn’t see each other. Dave reading every wish from my eyes – kissing me quickly when his daughter was just out off sight.
„Daddy, I know you were kissing again! It’s just silly trying to hide it!“ Rosie lets her sketchbook and crayons dump onto the couch table and crawls onto the cushions.
„And you have sex, too.“ She smirks now. „Mommy told me she knows and I should not wonder about it. I never really did. People who love each other do it, right?“
She reaches for the paper.
„Siv, can you draw me an elf and a unicorn? The last one dad did on my plaster really sucked!“
She pokes her tongue out, direction Dave.
„There goes my „daddy-my-hero-can-do-everything“ image!“
Stella giggles and I have to bite my tongue not to add an even naughtier reply. Quickly I grab one of the pencils and start sketching.
„Hey, the face of that goblin looks like Dad! Ha ha ha!“
„Goblin?!“
Dave looks up from his magazine he’s flicking through – obviously looking for something.
„Umh, I can make a gargoyle of it, what do you think, Rosie?“
The blond girl pats her hands onto her thighs, laughing aloud.
„He needs fangs!“
„Oh god, girls! Not the vampire stuff again!“
He rolls his eyes and then gives us a broad grin, his canines blinking in the sunlight.
***
The weekend passes in a glimpse and Sunday afternoon hits me like waking up from a dream. Rosie already waved me bye-bye an hour earlier, leaving with a neighbour’s girl and her mum to the movies. Dave leads me down into the underground parking area and presses his remote. The lights of a posh, silvery Aston Martin blink once.
„Boy, is that a V8 Vantage?!“
„Yes, baby! I couldn’t resist. It’s more in here though as I was too busy with all the recent things going on.“
„OK, Mr. 007! Would you give me a ride to the airport?“
His eyes darken dangerously.
„Any time! Just be careful with the precious leather cushions – no undesired stains!“
„You!!“
He slips on his sunglasses and opens the door for me.
While on the Long Island Expressway I start to realize what’s just happening.
„Do you know it’s the first time you accompain me to the airport, David?“
„Yes.“
He turns his head.
„Why do you think I’m wearing my shades?“
His hand slightly shakes when he changes gears. I let my fingers rest over his, holding them before he can put them back onto the steering wheel. They are icy cold.
„Geez, why don’t you wear gloves? It’s already freezy – we have November!“
He smiles slightly.
„Then I wouldn’t be able to feel the warmth and softness of your skin, baby.“
„But you hate to be cold!“
„I hate not feeling you more.“
Then the inevitable moment arrives. My luggage is checked in and only the security check lies ahead. It’s about time.
When he hugs me for the last time his right hand gently pats the area on my shoulder where the little wound hides under a fresh band aid. I wince a little and he suppresses my gasp with a passionate, desperate kiss.
„Be good. Make the decisions that are right for you – not for me! Don’t think I got carried away or wanted to talk you into anything – it’s just...I would do anything for you if it’s possible.“
Another kiss, now salty. And it’s not just his tears – damn! A last deep breath, inhaling his smell and then he let’s me go and I stagger nearly blind to the security zone. Don’t look back, don’t! I have to turn around again, taking in his figure. He puts his index finger to his lips and blows me a last air kiss. Then he slowly turns around and starts walking away.
***
The following two weeks are packed with work – thank you, Anton! I have little time to let my thoughts circle around my pain. The CD release party needs to be organized – as far as I’m concerned that’s the choice of slides to be shown with the beamers plus the poster design for the ads. Additionly Mart sent me tons of material for the DM project. Gosh, it’s time to give him another call to slow it down! We only chatted once so far and he didn’t let me into a proper conversation, being so busy telling all the lastest gossip.
I look up from some images that lay splayed on the carpet when I hear the lock of the main door. Must be Mrs. Hague. She left two hours ago for some shopping in the supermarket. When suddenly two hands cover my eyes an electric jolt flicks through my body.
„Andy!“
He pulls me up into his long arms and kisses me deeply.
„God, I missed you!“
Didn’t I hear the same words recently?
„So they let you out...mhm.“
I try to cover my insecurity with sarcasm.
He blinks at me and then holds me tight for a while, breathing into my hair.
„I want you now – god, you have no idea!“
Before I can answer he lifts me up and carries me over to the bedroom, letting me down onto the large bed, his weight crushing onto me.
„Oouch, my arm!“
My face must look quite convincing as he stops his attack for a moment.
The short arm of the t-shirt slipped up a little and gives view onto the band aid.
„Oh, sorry! Angel, what happened?“
„I had probs with the permanent contraception. They had to take it out.“
Blushing a little – not just about my lie but the situation as such – I go ahead.
„I think we’ll need condoms the next time.“
He looks a bit puzzled first and then smiles slightly and kisses my nose.
„There’s no need for that baby. I had a tiny operation two years ago – and it was final.“
„You did that delibereately?!“
„Yes. I’m in an age now it’s not really desirable or healthy to make babies.“
He pauses seeing the expression on my face.
„Oh god, sorry! Siv, I didn’t mean it like that!“
I can’t hold back my tears again.
„Hey, angel! I didn’t know you...you want a baby?“
I try to wipe away some of the wet traces in my face. Andy, if you’d know!
„Forget about it, Andrew! It was just a pipe dream!“
I sit up and lean back against the headboard, still sniffing.
„And a kid needs a family, two parents that are capable of the situation. I doubt we two would be the choice number one in that case anyway.“
Andy still musters me sort of puzzled.
„Let me get that straight again – you would like to have a baby if possible? No excuses now, I need to know.“
„If – just if – it has to be soon as my biological clock keeps ticking very loud meanwhile.“
He looks kinda shocked now – and sad at the same time.
„Why didn’t I recognize it? Why did you never tell me, Siv?“
„Cause it needs a stable relationship for that – and love? Just for a start.“
Andrew shakes his head in disbelief.
„Phew, it’s a bit much for me at the moment. I need time to think. Don’t be mad at me, but I better get outside for a walk, alone – with Basil.“
He kisses me lightly onto my cheek and then leaves the room. I feel sick and jump up to run for the bathroom.
***
„Martin?“
„Hey, my sweetie!“
„Do you have an ear for me – or better both?“
„What happened?!“
He’s fast detecting anything odd in my voice.
„Complete desaster! I have no idea how to deal with it.“
My fingers dig into the pillow next to me.
„And you have to promise me something by oath: NO words to Andy or Dave or any other person!“
„On the bible, if you wish. Serious, if you’ve got problems, shoot!“
Half an hour and at least half a pint tears later Martin sighs deeply at the other end of the line while I search for some tissues again.
„And I thought it couldn’t get worse – but I hadn’t a pregnancy on my list, damn!“ He tones down his voice.
„Sorry, I didn’t mean to swear at you, Sivvi! Looking for my jaw here...wait. Honestly, I didn’t see that one coming as well. Poor Andy! Dave doesn’t know about the sterilization. Andy did it for Grainne so she hadn’t to worry – also when touring. You kow us – we never really kept our feet under the table.“
A little sarcastic laugh from him. Then his tone changes another time.
„Baby, I see why you are so confused – and utterly sad. Dave is such an asshole!“
„Hey, he’s not!“
„He knows you well enough I should think! Why couldn’t he just keep his big mouth shut and be content with the status quo so far! But no – he had to put his fingers on the trigger again!“
He tries to calm down a little – to no great avail.
„Sorry, but I love you, too. This is nothing one can easily make a decision about! Not in the emotionally loaden state you all are in! Telling you he would make you a baby! Fuck, Dave – what got into you again! I really feel like calling him now and dragging his ass through the wire!“
„Martin, I dare you!“
He breathes deeply in and out, three or four times.
„I promised not to – you are safe. I can still be angry with him, right? Hopefully I won’t have to talk with him the next days – boy, that’s going to be tough when we have to!“
He coughs.
„Sooner or later you need to clear the fronts – with both. Only advice I can give you – listen to your heart. What’s it that YOU really want and need? If you have to hurt somebody’s feelings then be it.“
„Thanx, Mart. I better let you cool off now.“
„Sorry again, but...no, I won’t start again, baby! You be a good girl and help Andy over the next days.“
Be a good girl...why is it always me who has to behave and be in line?! Haven’t I done that all the years – far too long?
LIV.
„Andy, can I have a word with you?“
He looks up from his morning newspaper. I missed him in bed last night. Obviously he slept in his office. Seeing his expression I decide it’s for the best to swallow my thoughts again.
„Ah, forget about it – not so urgent.“
„Look, Siv – I’m not really in the mood for some serious discussions now.“
„As I said – it’s alright, Andy.“
I try to smile bravely and he disappears behind the pages again. Like an old couple that hasn’t got much to tell each other.
He spends the day pretending to work at his desk, calling a few people, ticking into his laptop. It’s as if there’s a thin, invisble wall around him that I can’t get through. I tried several times – bringing him tea and biscuits – asking for a walk with Basil – it’s hopeless. He mumbles something and his body language tells me I better let him be.
„Any plans for dinner, Andy?“
I look into his office again close to 7 pm. He looks up shortly and shakes his head.
„I’m not hungry, sorry. You help yourself. I have some things to go through here for a while.“
Slowly I return to the kitchen where Mrs. Hague had left a nice amount of Lasagne – already sizzling in the oven. What a waste! I finally get the baking dish out off the heat and try a bit. It would be delicious if I hadn’t got that lousy feeling pressing onto my stomach. After three bites I move away the plate and fork.
Basil jumps when I go for the leash. We walk the familiar round, though it’s really nasty weather outside. November rain – and it’s not a nice rock song! Completely soaked and freezy we return an hour later and the irish setter shakes his pelage, running for his cosy, warm basket near the fireplace. There’s still light in Andy’s office. I sigh and hang the wet coat onto a hook and decide to take a lazy bath in the tub. Comfort doesn’t really want to come – though the warmth helps relaxing. I slip into my sleep shirt and socks and crawl into the king size bed. No, I won’t disturb Andy again. If he feels the need to come he will – or he can simply fuck off! A few angry tears make it through my lids. I cuddle closer into the blankets, extinguish the light and close my eyes.
When I wake up it’s still dark. My arm reaches into Andy’s direction. His side of the bed is still
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