„You’re so sweet – as usual! Curly, don’t feel ticked down, but would you please just hold me close?“
There’s a soft glance in his green eyes.
„Hey, you know – I’ll do anything to make you feel alright. That’s absolutely fine with me.“
His right index finger gently follows the outlines of my lips.
„I told you I’m there for you – nothing has changed. I’m fully aware we’re not an item.“
„I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Mart.“
„It’s understood – I know that, angel! You always seem to think about others first – you needn’t forget about yourself.“ He pecks my cheek.
„You’re still not really happy with the whole situation, right?“
Then he slips over the ring, his fingers weaving into mine.
„Not just him.“ I move my other hand and part the rings slightly. Martin faces me with big eyes. I nod and cuddle closer to him.
Outside a car obviously moves too fast around a corner as the wheels scream and howl. I feel a slight shiver crawl down my spine.
„I miss that special Christmas feeling I used to have as a child – the anticipation and curiosity. Maybe it’s all too much at the moment.“
„Shush, it’s all there.“ He pats onto my heart. „You just have to allow it.“
Then he starts softly kissing my neck and throat. His hands wander lower over my breasts, then his full, demanding lips follow. I let out a tiny gasp. The change in hormones seems to make me more tender than usual.
I close my eyes for a second and try to locate the odd spasms in my lower tummy.
„Hey, what is it, baby?“
My face seems to tell him I’m in kinda pain.
„I don’t know – strange feeling – down there!“
Another painful sensation follows – like little cramps.
„Oh, god! No!!“
He jumps up from the bed and grabs the phone. Ten minutes later we’re on the way to the UKE – in an ambulance car. The ligths of the street lamps pass the window while a paramedic is busy to adjust the speed of the drip. Martin holds my hand securely in his, clasping his fingers around it. The expression on his face is stern.
„Relax, angel, relax!“
„Oh, Lord! I’m loosing the baby!“
I feel a wet sensation between my legs. The med immediately checks for it. No reaction in his face.
„I better sedate you a little.“
And with the next prick I start to fall into fluffy clouds.
The emergency is stuffed with several people. I’m in a sepparate area now, waiting for the nurse to return. Martin had to stay outside. I gave him Vay’s phone number – he went out into the cold to call. No mobiles allowed in the building – no news.
The time does not want to pass! I start to count the light green tiles on the wall. At the count of 26 a nurse enters the room – with my sister. She’s very pale and dashes towards me.
„Geez, Sivvi – what’s going on?! Nobody wants to tell me anything! I thought I’d die on the spot when I had Martin on the phone – speaking German to me and telling me you were in hospital!“
This very moment the face of a blonde woman in dark blue clinic shirt pops up behind my sis. Obviously it’s the gynaecologist with my record.
„Miss Mc Pherson? I have the results. A certain enzyme in your system is unusually high. It occasionally happens during the first months. You’re getting medication via the drip.“
„So am I still...?“
„So far it looks regular – yet I can’t predict anything. It’s very close to the edge. We have to wait till tomorrow and are going to do more tests then. I already called the gyn ward – we’re transferring you soon.“
„Sis, what’s this all about?!“
„Vay, I’m pregnant.“
She let’s herself fall onto the chair next to the bed. I face the med again.
„So I really have to stay?“
„Yes, by all means!“
„Can Martin come back in now?“
She nods and then leaves the room. My sister still seems to be lost of words.
„Is it from him?!“
Now Martin rushes through the door, his blond curls bobbing on his head.
„Angel, you’re OK?!“
Before I can react he closes his arms around me. I hear Vada coughing.
„What else did I miss here??“
„Nothing, sis.“ Then I lock view with him.
„So far I’m still pregnant – but it’s close to the edge. They just reserved a suite for me here.“
The clock at the wall shows 2.25 am meanwhile.
„Stop mocking around, Siv! So it’s serious – damn!“
I throw him an alarmed look.
„Curly, no more calls today – to whom ever!“
„But he needs to know!“
„No way! Let’s pray he’ll never need to know and all will be fine soon! Please!“
I brush over his cheek and try to smile a little.
„And promise me you won’t worry all night – those guys here know their jobs.“
„You don’t expect me to return to the hotel now?!“
„Sweety, my sister will take good care of me. You get some sleep and then visit me in the moring, OK?“
„And you’ll let me know at once if there’s anything...bad happening to you?“
„I’ll call you, Martin.“, Vada cuts in.
„How late is it?“
Vada lifts her head and checks for the clock at the wall behind my head.
„Near five. Go back to sleep.“
„How am I supposed to sleep now?!“
My eyes wander over to the drip. The clear liquid disappears slowly into my vein.
„Who is it Martin shall not call? Isn’t it a bit odd?“
I’m way too exhausted to fill her in now – and in the end it’s way too early for that anyway. So I just shake my head.
„Argh, sis – tell me!“
„No, I can’t – sorry!“
A while nobody talks and seems to follow their own train of thoughts. I move in the sheets, not being able to find some proper rest.
„Vay! Call the nurse! Something ain’t right!“
Those cold shivers are back, creeping slowly through my body. A deep feeling of anxiety sweeps over me. I remove the blanket and hear my sister screaming. When I reach down and touch the wetness and pull my hand back it’s all covered with blood.
The oxygen mask smells a little like cheap plastic. It’s all in a slight blurr. I feel the rush of air while they drive my bed quickly into the intensive care unit. Deep in my heart I know it’s too late – it’s over before it really started...
My lids are heavy. I try to open my eyes yet it all seems so exhausting – and do I really have to at all? Finally I make it to realize I’m attached to several cables and monitors – blinking and beeping. A nurse approaches me.
„I’m so thirsty. Could I have some water, please?“
She nods and cautiously holds a straw to my lips. Oh, it’s one of these cups with drinking aid.
„Is it over?“
My question hangs in the room like an ill feeling. The nurse smoothens the blanket and takes a note on her papers. I already start to feel so empty.
„I’ll send you Dr. Mayer any minute, luv.“
Dr. Mayer puts down her pen and faces me again. She looks tired – for sure must have worked already all day long.
„I don’t want to give you false hopes. You lost a lot of blood – and though we could balance the volume loss the chance to be still pregnant is near zero. We’ll have to wait for the next three days for the hormones to decrease. If they do so it’s a fact. Until then you will stay here as there might be more complications. No, don’t you worry – it’s just precautious.“
I feel numb. Life seems to leave my body – and I can sense it like every breath I inhale and have to let go again. This can’t be real – it just cannot happen to me now! How to tell David and Andrew?!
„Sis, hey – listen to me!“
I focus my eyes again and get a bleary sight of Vada, rubbing my eyes with my trembling fingers.
„Oh god, Siv! I’m so sorry!“
She moves onto the edge of the bed and pulls me into her arms. I can’t help it and start shaking and sobbing. When I haven’t stopped 15 minutes later a nurse seemed to have popped up next to us and injects something into one of the drips. A few moments later I feel like somebody is dragging away the ground beneath my body. I want to struggle against it but it is stronger and I have to give in.
A hand holds mine firmly and a soft, low voice keeps talking constantly to me. It needs a bit again till I’m back at my full senses. Martin sits next to me, pale and with a slight stubble. There are dark shadows under his eyes.
„Curly, you’re still here?“
„Yes , what did you think?!“
„But your DJ set!?“
„Is already 2 days in the past. It was a hell to pretend to be the funny bone, but I’m used to this ‚the show must go on’- thing. And your sister kept me informed via short messages all the time.“
I swallow and try to reach the cup at the night stand.
„No, no – let me help you! Want to drink?“
„Yes, please! I could drain an ocean.“
Cautiously he adjusts the drink at my lips.
„Hell, so they knocked me out for two full days?“
„Siv, are you still sure you don’t want me to call...?“
I let the straw go and look at him in kinda horror.
„No way! And not before Christmas anyway – not before it’s absolutely certain.“
„Baby, I don’t know how to tell you...the levels of those hormones dropped rapidly since yesterday. I begged on my knees kinda to let me tell you the sad news.“
His hands cup my face now.
„It’s over, angel.“
„No, no, no!“
He drags me closer to him and my fists hammer onto his back now. No way – not me!
Strange enough I seem to have no more tears left. Possibly it’s due to the heavy sedation I still seem to be on. I just feel an utmost desperation and pain deep inside my heart and soul. All I can voice is a guttural cry and then I just rest against his chest.
An eternity later he softly brushes over my hair.
„Sivvi – I will keep to my promise not to call -but you should know that Dave and his family will spend the holidays in London with his mum. He called me yesterday. I needed all my restraint not to tell him. He sensed something but I could make him believe I was just drained out from the long party night – and that I nearly drank some beer – what made him sorta furious, but he was distracted at least. Good Lord you told him not to call you over here – otherwise I wouldn’t have known how to explain.“
I slowly fall back into the pillow and stare at the ceiling.
„You have to tell Andy asap when you’re back. He was wondering why you didn’t answer his calls. I told him you were so busy that you might have dumped your mobile again somewhere – as usual.“
„Argh, Martin – I’m so sorry to drag you all into this!“
„No way! I’m your friend and I can handle it – but now it’s your turn, as hard and painful it might be.“
Vada carries my bag to the car. The doors of the university hospital just closed behind me. I sense the snowflakes falling down on my head and face yet all around me seems so surreal – like in a film – and I have a weird part in it – watching myself play.
„Sis, do you think it’s a bright idea to take a flight to London today? In your state?“
„The doc said it’s OK. And I’m already two days due. Just tried to explain to Andy that I had to deal with some fuzz concerning my job at ‚SCREAM’. I think he wasn’t surprised and bought it. He will catch me at LCY – so chauffeur service is guaranteed.“
I can’t hide the sarcasm in my voice. One of the last real emotions I can manage at the moment – the rest seems to be frozen under a thick layer of ice.
Back in her flat my wheeled suitcase is already waiting for me – packed. When my sitster is nervous she starts cleaning the flat, rummaging in cupboards, etc...trying to find some peace in rearranging things.
„Gosh, sit down, Siv – we already have 5 hours till we have to leave for the airport!“
She gets some hot herbal tea from the kitchen and pours us a mug.
„Don’t you think it’s time to fill me in? At least the most important facts? Hey, I’m your sister! Don’t you trust me any more?“
Now I see some tiny tears rolling over her cheeks.
„I’m so sorry, Vay! The whole thing confuses me to no end – I simply could not tell you as I still try to understand myself what’s really going on.“
During my confessions the eyes of my sis grow big and bigger and the coulour fades from her usual rosy cheeks.
„You see – no word to nobody under no circumstances!“
„Gosh, I’m speechless anyway!“
Then she moves closer to me and I rest my head on her shoulder.
„Sivvi – you’re for sure the more talented one in our family – for chaotic life style I mean. And you know I believe in Karma as well. Darn, that’s a hell of a package to carry!“
Then she fixes my eyes.
„But promise me – don’t let it break you! I recall you after...you know. I was so scared – you have no idea! This is tough – no doubt – but there’s a chance still, sis! If you really want this weird relationship to work – and I’m pretty sure Andy would say the same – you and Dave can try again. You’re still capable, right?“
„Yes, the gynaecologist told me all looks well – it was pretty early, beginning of fourth week.“
„And another thing. You can’t avoid hurting other people with these sad news. It’s not your fault! Martin is right – they have all the right in the world to know. Remember – shared grief is half the amount of pain?“
I kiss her cheeks and we embrace tightly. There are still no tears I could shed. Then my mobile buzzes on the couch table.
„Hi, luv! I just landed safely in LA. The limo is already waiting for me. You take good care of yourself, angel – promise me!“
„Curly, I will! My sis just washed me head concerning certain things. I will have to be braver than I ever was in my life – but I’m going to face the thruth.“
„That’s good. I hug you tightly! We’ll talk soon, baby! Give my best regards to your sis, too! Cheers!“
It’s only fifteen minutes till we’re going to land at LondonCityAirport. I already buckled my belt and watch the air hostesses buzzing around to adjust this and that and get ready for landing. There’s a lump in my stomach – like a big fist – and I can’t do anything about it. Please, don’t let me get sick now!
When the aircraft touches ground a big wobble shakes the cabin – like getting back to the base of harsh reality – a tough call. Like in a haze again I make my way to the baggage claim. After 10 minutes I can grab my suitcase and move slowly to the entrance.
The deep, nasal voice yanks me fully back into the terminal and I see Andy’s carrot head sticking out off the mass of people waiting for the arrivals. With some swift steps he’s at me and I feel his long, strong arms closing firmly around me. Now let time stop here – no more pain!
„Sweety, you look tired!“
Our lips meet in an intense kiss. I cling to him desperately, not wanting to move on. Then two hands grab my waist from behind. Full, velvety lips at the back of my neck. I’m close to faint.
„Come to the limo, it’s time.“
David’s smooth baritone ringing in my ear. I’m too perplexed to turn around and look at him. He simply drags me with him now, followed by Andy with my suitcase.
When we finally sit in the comfy vehicle I muster the two guys. No expressions of distraught or anything. Mart seemed to have kept his promise.
„What are you doing here, Dave?“
„Didn’t Curly tell you I’ll spend Christmas with the family at my mom’s?“
„Oh, I nearly forgot!“
I glance at my watch and realize it’s the 23rd already! Geez, I’m for sure missing some days!
Then I fall silent again, staring out of the car window. After some more minutes Andy tells the driver via intercom to stop the car. We’re not yet home – just in the middle of nowhere so to speak.
Dave moves closer on the long seat and takes my left hand. The ruby and the diamond glisten slightly against my pale skin. When I look into his eyes again there’s a sudden change in them. And I thought I was the only one being able to hide my emotions.
„Don’t be afraid, Siv – tell me.“ A tiny tear is creeping out under his right lid.
„I had this dream again – yet this time there was blood – our blood.“
It’s weird – suddenly I feel absolutely calm – besides the numbness and emptiness. The person in this car is not me – I don’t belong there – it has nothing to do with me – it cannot touch me, hurt me. Yet when my finger touches his tear and gently wipes it away all collapses like a house of cards.
„I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep it!“
Now Andy is there as well, holding me. I look into David’s face again and he can’t hide his pain now any longer.
„Shush, it’s like it is. You have to let it out – we have to work this out together. Don’t slip back into your shell again. We all will grieve – and hell yes, it hurts! But it’s not your fault, do you hear me?“
„It’s not the end of the world – just a chance passed by, sweetheart!“ Andrew obviously fights with his tears as well and finally gives in.
„It’s been too fast and too perfect to be true.“ I sniff now, wondering where those tears finally come from. „It’s just so cruel and unfair – just now!“
„We all will need time to get over it – but it’s not the last word spoken, is it?“
Dave holds my view now with his glassy, dark eyes. „You can still...?“
I nod slowly.
„But perhaps it’s a sign we’re not supposed to...sin!“
„Siv! Love is not a sin – and an unborn has every right on this planet to be born!“ Andrew’s voice sounds startled.
„At least you don’t have to drag your family into it now.“
David sighs deeply. Then he adjusts in his seat, bends over slightly and buries his face in his hands.
„I already told her – as you advised me – and it was the right decision. It was her comforting me when I sat there in the bed in the middle of the night, sobbing my heart out after that horrible dream again. Knowing me she’s not going to be surprised that it’s actually true.“
„OK. Let’s get home now. We will not make a big scene of it in front of the kids – but you don’t have to hide your feelings. We won’t neither. Let’s just say someone died in your family for a start.“
Andy seems to be the one again thinking clearly and pragmatically. Informing the chauffeur the limousine starts moving again.