„What are you thinking of?“
Martin slowly lets the back of his right hand slide over Dave’s cheek bone. He lies on his back, staring up to the ceiling and watching the bizarre shadows that are casted onto it by the flickering lights of the candles.
„Umh...what’s going to happen once we’re in New York? I’m afraid I’m not made for this double play – torn between Jen and the kids – and you. Sooner or later there will be a rude awakening for one of us or both.“
„Dave – I know what’s going on inside of you. I was boggling my mind about it as well. The last I want is you to feel pressured to decide between us. That’s not what I want and that’s not necessary. No need to hurt people we love and who love us. You know – I see us as kind of completion – a missing piece in our life puzzles found after an endless search.“
Martin looks at David quite serious now, fixes him with his glassy green eyes, taking him by his chin and pulling him gently into a longing yet soft kiss.
„When you’re here with me in Santa Barbara, you’re mine. Completely. When you’re in New York with your wife and family I will step back into the 2nd row kinda – hoping you’ll share a little of your time with me.“
Now he has to swallow hard and his lids start to flutter slightly – not wanting to show his weakness, his deep emotions – yet he can’t avoid a single tear escaping and finally glistening in the corner of his mouth.
Dave drags him closer and tightens the embrace. Could there be a bigger gesture from Mart how much he loved him? He needs to hear his words though. Pulling away again a little he gets lost in those whirling green irises.
„Say it, Martin. I need to hear it from you.“
The blonde man’s voice trembles with emotion when he finally manages to speak.
„You kinda force me to it.“ He stops again and breathes deeply in. „God, Dave – I love you!“
Before David can reply he covers his lips with his own.
„No, don’t say it yet. You’re not ready. Let it grow on you, my dark angel!“
He puts his left hand onto Dave’s left upper chest.
„I know I’m kinda in there already.“ Then he tips onto his friend’s forehead. „And I’m in there, too. That’s more than I ever expected and could wish for.“
Then he turns and opens the top drawer of his night stand, fetching something. Dave’s heart misses a beat when he sees what curls in Mart’s hands: a pair of black, braided silk bondage strings.
„Now let’s talk about what we originally planned for.“ Seeing the bewildered look in Dave’s eyes he starts to chuckle.
„No, relax! I’m not up to THAT. Not before you beg me for it that is. It’s just a bit of the memories I have concerning Alan. When I see and touch them I can feel and remember – and I will never forget what I swore to myself after it ended between the two of us.“
„They look so thin and harmless – but I’m sure there’s so much more to it I perhaps do not want to know.“
„Dave, don’t be afraid. It needs more than just those tiny ropes to fix somebody – stun him kinda till paralysis. When I say Alan has a dark side I mean it – and you need to be aware I have one, too. Yes, you don’t know that personality of me so far and perhaps you will be scared of it – but it’s still all me.“
He lets his slender fingers run over the silk bondages.
„It’s merely in the mind. It digs out your darkest desires and unfortunately your weakest points. Your hands might be tied, but the bonds that can take hold of your will are way more powerful – in lust and in despair.“
„I know that it’s way beyond trickling hot wax onto sombody’s cock. Remember – I’ve been to these clubs in LA.“
„Yeah, but have you been really into it? Wasn’t it just the thrill cause it was kinky and off society’s rails?“
„Martin, I was into it – more than was good for me at that time – and more for the experience of pain. I was suffering, my ego and soul were in pain – so I was extending the sensation.“
„Silencing yourselves with the needle afterwards.“
David bends his head and exhales.
„Yes – it couldn’t be more extreme – I couldn’t be more torn into pieces.“
„Dave, I know how it feels looking for the ultimate kick. Testing the boundaries. I’m a living example. Luckily meawhile music merely satisfies me, besides sex apparently. That’s why your lyrics of ‚Hole To Feed’ kick my balls really hard. And I’m not the pain junkie here.“
„So what is your hole to feed then? What had Alan to offer you could not deny despite he treated you like the last piece of dirt? Don’t tell me you love to be humiliated?!“
„It’s way beyond that. Being used is one thing, being humiliated another. Both would be true if the person treated like that had no say or possibility to stop it. David, I allowed Alan to be with me like that. I wanted it to a certain degree – I needed it. Yet from a later stage I wasn’t able to say ‚no’ anymore. If you dare to step into such a relation both sides have to stick to clear and binding rules – you might want to call it ‚role play’. Alan skipped the rules and I was too dependent to shake free. It always needs two for it - like for a fight.“
He now smiles a little and brushes a few curls back out off his face.
„Doesn’t mean I’m always at the deceiving end – being submissive.“
„I tend to believe you – the way you pinned me against the wall or flipped me onto my stomach.“
„Oh, that was just a glimpse of what I’m capable. Then I wasn’t playing – it was just all my stored lust – the beast didn’t even show it’s claws.“
With a slight shift he lets his fingernails lightly scratch over Dave’s bare forearm, intensifying the depth.
„It’s giving and taking in the best case. And forget about all this silly stuff with ice cubes, clamps and wax. That’s for housewives.“
His eyes change colour and intensity again.
„If you want I will show you way more subtle things. You just need to open your mind – and soul. What we could share will be profound.“
He quickly kisses Dave’s full, rosy lips.
„Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love you licking melted dark belgian chocolate of my sweltering body and vice versa!“
Turning around and reaching for the diary he musters David again, the smug smirk disappearing as fast as it appeared.
„I should read a few pages to you. Might be kinda catharsis for me.“
PUK Studios/Denmark, July 23rd, 1989
Alan is driving me N-U-T-Z! I stopped counting the many times we worked over ‚Clean’ and ‚Policy Of Truth’ now! He’s a bloody control freak! Well, OK – in the end all pieces fall into place. It’s just not the way I like to work though Alan always raves about the prolific and good times he had so far recording and mixing here.
Dave, I’m really concerned about your amount of dope and alcohol. I couldn’t avoid to overhear a phone call you had with Theresa – being all sloshed again. Apparenty your marriage isn’t going well.
Must be hard for you – we all in stable relationships now and enjyoing them. Well, I should know after I split up with Christine – yet Suzanne is so hot I don’t want to look back.
Yet still - there’s this fatal attraction to Alan – and he knows it too bloody well. I wish I could end it – but that would mean I needed to cut off a living piece of myself. I can’t deny it and honestly – I don’t want to.
It was after the last session yesterday – all the others fled to their beds literally when the clock moved past 2am – yet Alan urged me to stay to finish a last sample he was programming. I definitely knew it wasn’t about that fucking sound problem he was complaining at. He slammed the studio door behind me and turned the key around in the lock. A pleasant shudder made it down my spine – but just briefly.
The change in his casual voice let me shiver. His hot breath was hitting my ear while his arms closed firmly around my waist.
„Ready to play, Marty Boy?“
I only could moan an weak „Yes!“.
His grip got harder.
„I’m all yours, Master!“
A growl of approval was the answer.
„So your tight, tiny ass is all mine?“
I had to swallow several times before I could answer.
„Of course, Master!“
He pushed me over to the grand piano and forcefully bend me over it’s side, over it’s closed wing. With a swift pull he ripped down my jeans with the boxers and I could feel them pool around my ankles.
„What a lovely sight, my favourite servant!“
I felt his knee, covered with his black leather pants, forcing itself between my thighs.
„Step out of them bleeding trousers! And then open your legs wider for me!“
Hastily I did what I was told – fearing the consequences if not. Oviously I wasn’t quick enough as the next I experienced was his open hand slapping my behind hard. Then I heard the clicking sound of a buckle. God beware – he would not?! I got my answer the next moment – a strange hissing noise and then the leather belt hits my glutes – letting me squirm and yell out my sudden pain.
„You shut the fuck up! I do not want to hear a single whimper!“
And with another smack the leather bit into my skin like an angry serpent. I tried to bite into my hand but he must have seen that motion as the next he did was grabbing my wrists and tying them with those wellknown braided silk straps. Facing me with his icy stare he turned and shortly after returned with his black leather gloves.
„I think you are too weak to stay silent. Open your mouth!“
With a disgusted expression he forced the first glove between my teeth. Luckily there was no more space for the second one. I was already choking from the mass in my mouth. Tossing it onto the piano he pushed my chest onto the cold surface again and let me feel his strong knee.
„No mercy to the incapable! Beg me to use lube!“
Damn you, my mouth was shut with a friggin leather glove and my hands were tied! I tried and rubbed my left foot cautiously against his long boot. It seemed he didn’t see that one coming as he shortly loosened the grip around my waist. Then the click of a cap echoed back from the empty studio walls. I sighed inwardly. At least he wouldn’t tear me apart. That’s what I thought.
I haven’t been gentle with women before – I admit it. I never did what Alan now exercised on me to a single one of them. Not even caring if I was ready or at least trying to be at least a little careful he simply smeared some lube into the crack of my butt and then rammed his very erect member mercilessly into me in one fast, deep thrust. If I could have yelled the way I wanted the glass pane of that bleeding recording cabin would have bursted into smithereens! My rib cage was vibrating against the polished wooden surface of the piano and the muffled sounds I was able to emanate trailed off and were muffled by the excited growls and groans Alan let go while pounding into me like there was no tomorrow. Then finally I felt him tensing and then shooting his hot juices into me – yet that didn’t seem to satisfy him completely as he suddenly pulled out off me and the rest of his sticky load splattered onto my skin.
For a while there was just his accelerated panting. I was too much in schock to even move my eyelids. Maybe that’s not really covering it. It was more being stunned by the raw force and power he used on me. It wasn’t all pain I experienced – yet it was the first time I wasn’t completely aroused. And when you speak of the devil...Alans hand made it back between my legs and touching my just half hard cock I heard an dismissive laugh.
„What?! You didn’t come? You dared not to enjoy it?!“
I felt him untying my wrists and then I tried to remove that friggin glove with shaky hands, some saliva dripping down my chin.
„You are such a weak, pathetic looser – just look at you! The big Martin Lee Gore! What a joke! How do you satisfy your girl? Does she need a Dildo?! Apparently! Give her my number – I’m too willing to give her what she needs – and deserves!“
Putting the silk bondages back into the pockets of his leather jacket Alan slipped off his role.
„I’ll see you for breakfast, Marty? Don’t forget we need to talk about that last mix again. There’s still a miss.“
Then he kinda shyly came closer and pecked my left cheek. That was all. He unlocked the door and a moment later I was still standing there – my body and mind in uproar – and the cum was slowly trickling down my leg.