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morganalefaye - Santa Barbara Diaries
morganalefaye - Santa Barbara Diaries : Chapter 29

Chapter 29

  2009.10.15. 21:54


29.

The kitchen table – like the whole room – feels definitely empty and deserted. Dave puts another load of sugar into his abyssmally dark coffee and sighs. The first sunbeams glint through the window – casting strange patterns onto the cream coloured walls – the soft light gently touching a few of Rosies drawings that are pinned at them. The digits at the microwave oven flip over to 4.57am. His body starts complaining about the sleepless night yet his mind is still in turmoil and buzzing.

I don’t want to loose her! I don’t want to loose my family! I can’t stop thinking of Martin – god no!

It’s hitting him now like a painful yet secure truth: He really don’t want to give one up for the other!

How’s that possible?! To love two completely different people with the same heart, the same strength and depth? Yes, LOVE – fucking hell, I LOVE you! It’s much about physical attraction – but I always was that sort of type. It’s as much about my soul touching your souls – and one can’t be without the other any more.

„You’re still up?“
Jen’s low voice suddenly cutting into his thoughts.

Yeah, I must look awful. Comes with age. For sure dark shadows under my eyes and deep wrinkles around them. Oh, and sure – I cried! Must be still quite red and puffy sort of. Adding some paleness and a stubble, hair ruffled – now start to pity me! You don’t look any better, Jennifer!

Instead of an answer he takes another sip and silently musters her lean form resting against the door frame.

„Do you have a coffee for me, too?“

He wonders for a moment, more awaiting another attack – she perhaps using her long fingernails on him. Wouldn’t be the first time. She really can turn into a real angry beast.

„Help yourself. Don’t think you’re going to like it though.“

She opens a cupboard, takes out a mug and then fills some of the hot, black liquid into it. Taking a gulp she starts coughing and dashes to the sink to spit it out. Dave just shrugs his shoulder.

Told you so.

She goes fort he fridge and takes out a small bottle of orange juice. Not spending any more effort to get a glass she sits down at the other end of the table, drinking slowly. He can see the muscles of her throat moving up and down while she swallows.

„I hate fucking Martin Lee Gore!“

David nearly drops his mug due to the unexpected volume and anger in her voice.

„Isn’t it enough he hogs most of your time with the fucking band – recording or touring endlessly?! Now he has to take your body and soul as well! It’s not fucking fair!“

The brunette man feels the urge to take her in his arms and tell her again and again that she will always have him – yet an inner voice already chimes in again.

Yes, she will always have you – just not all of you like she and the kids would deserve!

Jen seems to have seen his motion towards her and lifts her arms in kinda defense.

„Don’t you touch me now, Dave! Who do you think you are?! Who do you think I am?!“
„I am the same I always was – it’s just a part of me awoke recently – and if I’m honest it was always there. I just denied it all the years to be yours – all yours, Jen! I was lying to myself – I can’t do that any longer! God, I wish I could assure you my feelings for you are unaffected – I love you, baby! I really do and always will! But fucking hell – I’m obviously bi – so what?! Do you have the slightest idea how difficult this is for me?!“
„Yeah, I’ve got an idea – you as usual taking all you can get – your fucking hole to feed! I’m so sick of it! I can’t take it any longer!“
„Oh, wow! It’s my fucking ass I shove over the stages of the globe to guarantee you and the kids the life style you so easily and happily adopted! I need it as much as I despise it! You did know that pretty well when we made our vows. I can be a selfish bastard – agreed – yet I think I worked fucking hard the last years to not only pay back with money and my dick! Christ, we’ve been through so many horrible periods in our relationship! Why do you blow this one up now?! How many times do I have to proove again and again that I’m worthy?“

His voice trails off – hoarse now, breaking. Letting his head sink he has to fight back some angry and desperate tears – trying to keep up his composure.

„It’s funny how you always easily come back to the same, old, lame points. Dave Gahan, the holy martyr!“
Her voice is cold and void of any emotion.
„You better stay with your pervert little friend – in his suite – while you do your bleeding studio sessions. I don’t want to smell him on you at home.“
„Jenny!“
„It’s cheating on me, Dave – that’s what it is! So stay away with your cheap blonde whore in that fucking expensive hotel!“

Before he can answer she’s up to her feet and then the door slams – just to open once more.
„I don’t want Rosie to know any of all this!“

No! She’s not doing it again – hell, no way!

„Jennifer – if you dare to threat me now – and we both know exactly for how many times you actually did it – to take the kids away from me...“ He pauses shortly to gather all the strength that is left. „...then I don’t see any other way to call my solicitor – and you know what this will mean. I’m not just talking about filing the divorce.“
His expression turns back to tired and desperate.
„See, how far we already are? Intimidation is the last straw.“

She still eyes him in disbelief. He usually gets back on track when she pushed certain buttons – yet this time it definitely is beyond the scale. Sinking down slowly to the hardwood floor she starts sobbing – though knowing he wouldn’t buy a melodramatic scene any longer. As a matter of fact she’s strung out, too.

„Dave, I love you! I don’t want to leave or cause pain to you – but it fucking hurts me to know he...takes what belongs to me!“
He hurries over to her, going down to his haunches and drags her quivering body into his strong arms.
„God, Jen! He’s not taking away anything! It’s so different compared...I have no proper words at the moment, baby! Believe me – my heart beats for you – that part is always yours – as it always was!“
„It scares the shit out off me, David! I know you too well – it’s not just a fling – that’s why!“
„How do you think I feel? If I could rip Curly out off my heart and soul for you I would do it – but I can’t. He’s my soulbrother – as you are my soulsister, angel!“
Dave soflty runs over her tousled, dark, long hair – pulling her even closer to his chest.
„It’s the first time – after I got Stella-Rose with you – that I really feel complete. I know it sounds fucking wierd – but it’s like it is.“
„I’m not good at sharing, you know.“

Her sobs die down and she mumbles against his bare skin, obviously inhaling his scent. Again his physical approach seems to work and he sighs inwardly with a little relief.

„Perhaps you want to take a lover yourself – feeling even sorta.“
She lifts her head and her pupils widen with puzzlement.
„Err, I’m not bi.“
„Sure?“
He chuckles slightly now.
„I recall a certain birthday party when we landed in our bedroom with that red haired beauty. It certainly was hot to see you two...“
„Geez, stop it, Dave! I was tipsy! You for sure enjoyed it more than me!“
„She was nothing compared to you, my sweet!“
He turns serious again.
„If I recall that right you fancy that Broadway guy. Oliver?“
„Olivier. He’s great to chat with – but...nothing compared to you, Dave. Yes, I shagged him twice. Now you know it.“
Dave closes his eyes for a second – not letting her see the short pain searing through them.
„David, it was when we had that row after the PTA tour. I was so angry with you. It’s a stupid thing to do, but it felt good for a while.“
„It’s in the past, hun.“
„Mart is not in the past – he’s now and will be in the future, I suppose.“
„He always was around, Jen – since my very youth – in an innocent and then less innocent way.“
Cupping her face he locks his hazel eyes with her dark brown ones.
„I know I request a lot from you – but could you please trust me, baby – trust Martin?“
Her look turns glassy again.
„I don’t know, Dave – I really don’t know!“

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