Dave seems to be still fast asleep. Martin quietly tip toes over to the bed and watches his lover breathe regularly, the chest heaving up and down. Parts of the sheet have slipped over the edge of the mattress, but the most naughty parts are still covered. They leave not much to the imagination though – the brunette man apparently has his morning glory. Mart wets his lips and has to swallow hard. He wouldn’t want to do anything more but jumping onto his mate and feast his lips on the aroused flesh.
Observing him more closely he sees an edge of paper sticking out of the left hand, the fingers securely fastened around it. The arm lays draped over his tummy. Suddenly mumbling something the dark haired man turns from his side onto his stomach and the long, slender fingers involuntarily release their content. Mart quickly wants to grab the creased bundle as Dave’s voice hits him like a bolt of lightning.
„I knew you wouldn’t resist.“
He stays the way he rests on the bed, his face sunk in the pillow. For a shock second his band mate is lost for words. Then he walks over to the night stand and picks up the phone, pressing speed dial.
„Ah, Andy! Good morning! What, I got you out off bed? We’re supposed to meet in an hour! No, I’m sober. Listen, you could do me a favour and start re-programming the Moog. There should be another delivery from eBay anyway. Don’t mess around with it. I...we will be later than scheduled. No, we didn’t fuck the night away! It’s way more serious. Argh, stop it, Fletch! If you want Dave still being a member of this old farts band called Depeche you better shut up and get to work. Yes, I was saying THAT! See you later. Cheers!“
Dave meanwhile turned around and eyes his opposite in puzzlement.
„What was that supposed to be?“
„I put my private life before my job. Now don’t leave me here all confused and show me the rest!“
„What are you talking about?“
„The confessions you conveniently hide in your hand.“
The addressed checks for it and wags his head.
„I have nothing to hide.“ The palm is empty. „What are you talking about, Martin?“
The blond curly man unfolds the piece of paper he’s still carrying with him and hands it over to Dave.
Seeing the graphite smeared all over it his pupils dilate a little and his expression stiffens.
„Dave, please! I didn’t want to pry – it just...happened!“
„I wanted you to find that page – I just didn’t think you would be so eager, Sherlock.“
„Just those four fucking words?!“
„It’s a good start, don’t you think?“
„For what? Digging in the wounds?!“
„Did you read at all? Come here and sit down. I thought you were the bright head of the two of us.“
„Snarky remarks – is that all I get?“
„Martin, we both sit in a glass house. Don’t start throwing pebbles. It’s not worth it.“
„Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep.“
„Me neither. What I wanted to get over was: Stop suffering – stop hiding your fear from me. Tell me what there is to tell. That’s the ‚face yourself’ part. See yourself in my eyes. Even if I close them you’re always in them. Nothing is going to change that.“
He adjusts himself in the stack of pillows against the headboard and faces his partner who doesn’t seem to be convinced and apparently waits for the big bang.
„You’re keen enough to play criminal investigation. You lie Andy straight into his face..errr, ear – to put your private life first, as you said. You’re not the one mixing work with private things usually – except since we got closer. I know how important this studio thing is at this stage. If you, the mastermind, are not available everything is more or less on hold. Are you serious you want it to this extend? Do you really think I’m going to leave the band?“
He pauses for an awkward moment.
„Do you expect me to go back to New York? Me, not us?“
Martin’s eyes water and he can’t look into David’s eyes any longer.
„Yes, worst case scenario. It’s all my fault – that’s the most painful truth.“ He crosses his arms in front of his chest and breathes heavily. „I had some time to mull it all over the last sleepless hours. I’m a complete failure when it comes to relationships – what sort ever. Emotionally crippled, encrypted in my bloody self. Charlie’s right – I’m weak. Even when it comes to composing and producing, yet the most when I have to stand for my feelings and the people involved.“
„God, Mart! We’ve been there before I thought. Why do you now change gears back and try to creep back into your dark ivory tower? Can’t you just tell me what moves you? Am I such a prick not being worthy of your trust? Well, perhaps I really should leave...leave you in your misery. YOU have to make the first step! How many times do I have to rub your nose into it?!“
Now he’s done it. Mart’s face turns even paler and he can’t control the wetness in his eyes any longer.
„Suppose that’s it. Just say it – you not just have a thing for Charlie – you love him from the start and I was so naive and blind and didn’t see it! Go! I can’t take it any longer!“
„You do not really believe what you’re blabbering there, Curly?“
Dave stays surprisingly calm and eyes the upset blond man with a stern expression.
„It’s exactly what Al intended – shaking us up, breaking us up.“
He reaches over to his mate and drags the hesitating figure closer, clasping his muscular fingers around his hand.
„All the pangs of guilt, the dependency...believe me, I got my share as well. Yes, I did write a lot off my chest last night – and yeah, you’re going to know about it, but not yet. Those are my thoughts, not always coherent but all me. I should burn them to ashes. All I wanted you to read and to do is on that sheet of yours...it doesn’t need much once you started. Four words are enough. You know I’m no wordsmith like yourself.“
„Words, words, words! Where did they lead us to?!“
„Well, you’re here, aren’t you?“
Dave’s stomach growls vehemently and is prompty answered by an audible rumbling of Mart’s. Both stare at each other and then can’t help to burst into a hysteric fit of giggles.
Adding some more sugar into his tar black, strong coffee the short haired man watches his blond counterpart pouring some hot water onto his tea bag.
„I thought I finally found someone that could guide me through the darkness.“
„Jennifer. She was able to save you, got through to your heart and soul. I immediately sensed her energies, all the love.“
„But you knew fully well she was mine?! And Suzy??“
„Can you really own a person, Dave? I know, it was all my loaded, selfish self. I really thought I could get away with it and...“ , he pauses, „...and at that point I wasn’t sure...I didn’t believe you would stay clean and sober.“
Dave lets his mug go and just stares into the air.
„Angel, I nearly died when you died. Most addicts I knew so far didn’t make it in the end. You might remember our talk about Curt in that hotel room, back on tour. You complained he stole your idea. With your recurring depressions – how could I be sure? I couldn’t take it any longer, the constand fear and pain of loosing you. The booze was not enough. I needed more...more life in my hands, under my yearning flesh.“ He tousles his platinum locks. With a great deal of concern he musters his lover who looks like he had to throw up or would pass out any moment.
„You didn’t believe in me? You gave up on me?“ The voice sounds hoarse and raspy.
„Go on, spill it all...finally.“
„Is there any way back now?“
Martin slowly shakes his head, swallows and continues.
„Like with all other things - once you got a taste you can’t stop. When I realized that Jenny got emotionally involved as well – though she still dearly loved you – I was so happy yet then you told me you wanted to propose, having a family, a future. Christ, I can’t tell you how bad I suddenly felt! It was the day you cut your hair. I nearly dropped dead when you entered the meeting for the promo shoot. It was as if you pressed rewind on a video deck. The usual boyish grin, the sparkling hazel-green eyes – you looked healthier than ever. I was never good voicing my feelings, but that night I told Jen we’d better stop our fuckfestival. Yes, I used that term. She was thunderstruck and absolutely pissed. I still feel her palm burning on my cheek. A week later we ended up in bed again – just couldn’t let go. Luckily the tour kept us all busy – till Charlie got me by the balls. I should never ever have told him about Jennifer.“ He sighs deeply. „I was so full of booze and dirty thoughts...and Jenny was wild...her hormones kicking in around Helloween. It was our farewell shag sort of, I lost count on...errr, you do not want to hear that part acutally.“
„You made her come and scream your name all night – why can’t you just name it? I should know her best – she can strung a man out, god yeah!“ Dave grabs another cigarillo and lights it.
„So you just left the warm bed when I returned from the AA meeting around 2 in the morning. I was wondering why the laundry was on and Jen busy refreshing the bedroom. The smell of jasmine was all over the place. She dragged me into the already filled bath tub. I was so tired I just barely made one round. Umh, she mentioned she was close to her monthly and anything would be highly appreciated, her system doing flip flops. Talking dirty in Greek to me finally let me go off.“
„Obviously a very lucky shot.“, Mart cuts in dryly.
„Well, apparently that’s what happened then. It wasn’t like she told you, or is that woman always on schedule? Gosh, I do not want to imagine anything else! It’s such a relief...you know.“
„At least my karma concerning that worked alright.“ He brushes back his hair and relaxes a little more on his seat. „She was planning to drop the pill when the tour was over – the irony of it: Having taken antibiotics due to a tonsilitis must have weakened the effect.“
Martin gets up to fetch some more fresh toast. The untouched slices they still have on their plates are cold and not really looking pleasant any more. Finally biting into a buttered one Dave fixes his opposite again.
„So, what’s Charlie’s part in all this travesty?“
The addressed lowers his head again.