Mart was just sitting there motionless, still feeling the heat of Dave’s body on him, and saving this memory into his mind as he slowly turned his head towards the door. He knew who’ll stand there. Jen looked awful – he could tell it even from this distance. Her eyes were red – probably from crying – and she was dead pale as she carefully looked around in the room, not knowing what kind of sight will greet her. By now she was unsure about everything concerning these two men. She walked into the room without saying a word, but stopped near the door, squeezing her own hand time after time. Mart’s eyes grew darker.
“Jen?” her husband asked unsure. The state his wife was in shocked him.
She looked up at him with a broken gaze.
“I guess… you want to know what my decision is…” she said quietly and hoarsely.
“Yes… it’d be good to know…” Dave answered. His voice was shaking a bit.
“You have to understand that I… I’d been thinking a lot in the last few weeks… and especially in the last few hours. Now I understand a lot of things and you hurt me badly” she searched for her husband’s eyes.
Martin’s body strained as he was still sitting on the couch and watched the couple without breathing.
“Please, understand that this isn’t easy for me. What do you think how does it feel to know that you love Martin better than me? Still I was thinking of looking over it, mainly because of you. I see how deep your feelings are for him and I want the best for you – after our children. The question is whether I’d be able to bear this pain, knowing that you don’t love me half the way you love him.”
Dave waited without breathing… is it possible that Jen will “allow” them this relationship, seeing how important it was for him? Another rush of adrenaline got into his bloodstream, his heart jumped, he started breathing faster and he felt the heat around him growing. Martin lifted one eyebrow in disbelief. Is there still hope then? He followed every move Jen made, but he didn’t dare to talk.
Jen took a deep breath and went on “However, I have to think of our daughter, Dave! And Jimmy! What’ll we do when this gets out? How will they process it? And Martin’s kids? And Sue? Considering all these…” she said, but her voice failed her. She looked up at her husband with teary eyes. She knew that she can made him hate her for a lifetime because of her decision “I’m sorry, David…” she whispered wobbly “I can’t. I would not bear it. And the kids! Families, David, families! And your life! You have to think on that too! You can ruin everything!”
The bubble of happiness burst out in his chest from the brutal poke of reality’s needle and he fell back to the ground. No, he was sure he just misheard it… Jen can’t ask this from him, cuz she knows… she knows… But as he looked at her face, he knew that he didn’t misunderstand it.
“Please… don’t do this to me…” he said with the last remains of hope in his soul. Maybe his wife’ll ease up…
“No, David. I’d like you to end this and never start it again!”
Martin opened his eyes wide and he couldn’t stop one single plaintive, painful and desperate word: “Don’t!”
Dave looked at the woman as if she had hit him. No, this can’t be true, this isn’t happening…
“Jennifer, don’t do this, please! I beg you! Don’t take him away from me!” he exclaimed desperately “I do anything you want, except this!”
“I’m sorry, Dave…” she shook her head a bit as her eyes welled up with the suppressed tears, which ran down her pale face as she was watching her husband, who went on his knees in front of her, grabbing her trousers. Her heart nearly broke from the sight, but she couldn’t give in. She has to end this right now, if she wants to protect her family. “You’ve said… you’ve said earlier that you’d do anything for us…” she swallowed hard and quickly wiped away her tears “… this is the prize you have to pay for staying with us…” she whispered at the end.
“No, you can’t ask this… you can’t ask this from me…” Dave repeated. But the decision was irreversible, he knew it well, and this slowly reached his mind, setting everything on frantic pain inside of him. “You can’t destroy it, you can’t take it away from me!!!” Dave burst out loudly as he stood up confused and backed to the wall “You don’t have the right to kill me! Martin!” he yelled his lover’s name, whom he couldn’t even see from the tears which filled his eyes. He thought he’d go insane from this! A life without Martin? No! Never!
Jen just watched as her husband writhed in pain and slowly sliding to the floor, sobbing like a child. She did this with only one sentence… just with one sentence. She saw the anguish on his face as he was searching for Martin blindly, whose loss he didn’t want to accept. She started sobbing from the sight. Yes, it hurt her seeing Dave like this. It hurt badly, but she couldn’t do anything else!
The blonde man was still sitting on the couch and hadn’t noticed when he grabbed his pullover over his heart. There was no word for the feeling which broke loose inside of him hearing the verdict. His blood was pounding in his ears, his vision got blurry and he could barely hear Dave, because he was so shocked and asked himself how a man can feel this much pain like he had now in his chest… He looked up slowly and broken and with unutterable pain onto the crying woman, whom once he considered as his friend.
Jen’s eyes met Martin’s and she was taken aback from what she saw in them. Next to pain – which was at least as enormous as Dave’s – she saw accusation. She knew that something just broke between them and they’d never talk or stay in one room ever again. She couldn’t take this anymore, she nearly fled from the room to get on the first plane and leave everything behind. Now she didn’t want to be any near of them for a long while.
Dave was still kneeling, his forehead pressed against the cold floor and he was sobbing and squirming there, calling out Martin’s name again and again. After a few minutes of numbness the blonde man eased up enough to stand up with some difficulties then he collapsed onto the floor next to Dave. He started stroking the singer’s back automatically, which resonated from the loud sobbing. Mart was still under the shock and he just couldn’t comprehend Jen’s decision. He couldn’t understand how she could cause this much pain for her husband! How she could bring him into such a nonsense situation, where he had to choose. Especially now when lately everything piled up in a negative way for him! It was cruel from her to ask this from Dave!
The man – like someone drowning – grabbed Martin, pulled himself up to him and buried himself in Mart’s chest, trying to hide from the pain. But knowing that he can do this for the last time just fanned his painful emotions
His mate was afraid that he hugged him too tightly to himself, causing hurting Dave, but he wasn’t able to loosen his embrace as he started to grasp the situation and his tears find their ways from his sad eyes as well.
Dave’s tears didn’t want to stop, but he pulled himself together a bit and said “Mart… I can’t… do this. I can’t… leave you” he said in a staccato voice, while he was still clinging to him
Martin couldn’t say a word. He was afraid if he did, everything would burst out of him and he wouldn’t be able to stop roaring. His soul was howling like a wounded animal and his mind echoed the painful sound.
“I’ve never told you” Dave went on “but if I had to choose… between you… I’d… I’d choose you. I want to choose you!” he moaned into the wet and warm chest.
Mart let out an unarticulated throaty sound as groaned from hearing this, still holding Dave tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut to take a few deep hissing breaths before answering.
“Dave… you know… you know well, that you can’t…” his voice failed him from the crying.
“But I love you…” he whispered faintly “I can’t leave you. Because I am you and you are me!”
“I know…” he sobbed. Yet he wasn’t able to argue with him, the wound was too fresh, cut too deep…
“Please, stay with me… please…” Dave begged on a whimpering tone, while his hands were grabbing Martin’s T-shirt painfully tightly.
Something in Martin broke irrevocably and for good. The anguish was still tearing on every cell he had, dancing on his nerve-endings, making him blind and deaf, while the mirror of his soul cracked, threatening with braking into million shivers. He had to say it out loud, no matter how hard it was… He had to force himself to swallow his pain back until he could get some air into his lungs and he collected the last rational thought he had left, whispering it into Dave’s hair: “I can’t…”
Dave straightened his back and looked at Martin with such immense pain that he nearly died.
“You’ve promised… you’ve promised me that you won’t leave me” he said hoarsely while his tears were running down his cheeks silently.
“Dave… don’t do this to me… I beg you!” Martin groaned and fresh and quick tears ran down his careworn face.
“I can’t take this!” Dave exclaimed and in his torment he grabbed his own hair, tearing it.
Martin grabbed his wrists and pulled them away from the singer’s head, leading them onto his own body. “Tear me instead! Promise me that… that you won’t do anything stupid!” he squeezed the wrists firmer “I would not be able to live with the knowledge that you’ll do it again!
“I wouldn’t hurt you - in any way” he answered and caressed his face with one hand. He couldn’t stop himself – he leant closer and kissed him so passionately and painfully like never before.
Martin, like a drowning man, snapped at him and returned the kisses desperately. No! He can’t let him go! He can’t do it!
Dave never wanted to break their kisses, he didn’t want Martin to walk out that door, he didn’t want tomorrow to come. Because it’d mean that it was over.
He was savoring Dave’s lips as if there was no tomorrow – and there wasn’t any for them. He was just kissing and kissing him, drinking in Dave’s adored scent, the heat of his body and his hands stroked along every muscle of his as if he just wanted to burn their feel and form into his mind. But he knew that he has to force himself now to let his mate go, he has to stand up and leave the room now, or else he won’t be able to do it. Then he wouldn’t care about Jen or Dave’s family, he’d do just what he wanted to do with every pore of his, what his soul was screaming for… He took Dave’s teary face between his hands to pull him back a bit and look at him. For the last time he compressed everything he couldn’t express with words into his eyes. For a minute he let him read all these from his painfully swirling irises and whispered one single word:
“Forever” then for the last time he pressed his lips against his for a few moments before he gently pushed off Dave’s hands and stood up. He wasn’t able to look back at the broken singer huddled up on the floor. He left the room with the taste of Dave’s kiss lingering on his lips, but his previously talking eyes got empty. And as he closed the door behind him, just the sound of the mirror in his soul could be heard as it shattered into pieces…
The door clicked shut quietly and Dave was left alone. He couldn’t even move – the pain benumbed not just his soul. Then suddenly he threw his head back and howled an enormous one as the pain exploded in his chest. His beast felt it and it joined him. Even she could feel it deep down inside of Dave’s soul. His voice filled the room, stretched its walls and exploded onto the corridor. It was a long and bitter yowl and seemed that it didn’t want to end either.
Martin stopped on the hallway. Even from its end he could clearly hear the wounded cry and his whole body shook into it. He forced himself not to turn around and run back to him to take him into his arms, consoling him, whispering that he will never leave him, that he’ll be always with him, that he loves him so much… As he closed his red eyes, suddenly he hit the wall with his fist, but barely felt the pain and the bruises. It was nothing compared to the thing which was swirling inside of him, choking him so hard that he barely could breathe. He concentrated on walking again, putting one leg before the other until he can finally get to his room, lock his door behind him and collapse. It was just a question of moments when will he collapse like a house of cards.
Dave’s yowl turned into coughing. Slowly he stood up and propped himself on a nearby table. He though that he won’t be able to love anyone ever again, that only this burning pain will remain! He chopped at the table. “No! They can’t take him away from me! NO!” a voice yelled in his head painfully. His anger broke free and he turned it against the furniture of the room. It didn’t mater what or whom, but he had to destroy, he wanted to make the pain disappear, no matter how high the cost’d be. He just wanted to be numb so he won’t feel anything!
The smaller objects hit the wall and shattered into pieces, but Dave didn’t spare the bigger ones either: he destroyed the table, the chairs, he banged the telephone to the marble-table, and broke the glass of the coffee table. He raved with fury, cursing Jen, Mart and himself in turns. The bed couldn’t survive either: he tore the sheets apart, but he was unequal to the bed-frame. From the tiredness he collapsed onto the floor, laid onto his side and his whole body was just shaking from the hard sobbing. He moved no more.