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The empty days were just passing; the wind of time took them away. Dave’s pain didn’t ease as it was still burning and tearing him with the same intensity like on that fatal night when it moved into his heart. It was feeding his beast, which started to grow inside of him as his hatred got stronger and thicker. The question “why?” came into his mind again and again. He couldn’t understand why and how this could have happened. When he crawled into the bed next to Jen, he often imagined that the blonde man was lying next to him. He wasn’t sure if he hadn’t made himself believe this, he would have been able to sleep next to his wife – in turn they had to keep up the pretence in front of the kids. His dreams were the worst. At dawn he often woke up with a wet face and sometimes he couldn’t hold himself back, he let his emotions flow. He deleted Mart’s number from his cell, though he knew it by heart. But at least this way the possibility of calling him was maybe smaller. That one occasion was awful enough. He could clearly remember it. He couldn’t stop himself and dialed his number. After two rings he got through and the voice, which he couldn’t hear for a long time, asked:
“Mart…” but he could say just this one word before his voice failed him. The blonde man didn’t answer. He was holding the line for a few minutes, but finally a quiet click signaled that Mart hung up.
Martin was standing there for minutes, staring at his cell – nearly accusingly. He couldn’t understand why Dave had to do this. Why did he have to stir things up? When Mart finally started getting better a bit? Why? And here he was - just one word from Dave was enough, as he said his name, and the lashed-together hurdle – where he tried to push his feelings back – broke through right away. Anger flooded him with such a force that his whole body shook in it and without thinking – because of the hopelessness of the situation – he threw his cell phone to the wall with full force, accompanied by an injured animal’s yell. He wanted to be mad at Dave, he wanted to blame the singer, but he couldn’t, because it wasn’t his fault. Because he loved him. Deeply. Still.
Dave felt as if the dagger in his heart went deeper – he shook from the pain as his beast inside with her sharp claws began tearing on her walls, because she was just flattered with the false hope that she’ll get back her tamer. Dave wasn’t able to surmount her anymore and he was afraid that this will stay like this. As the mixture of fear and pain broke him, like a weak child he fell onto his knees and begged, because he didn’t want to go back into the darkness.
The days passed in a grey mass for Dave. He was alone a lot. Jen often fled from the flat, cuz she didn’t want to be in his near, but he didn’t mind it. This afternoon found him lonely again and he looked so lost in the huge flat as he aimlessly wandered around in it. He couldn’t remember how, but a CD got into his hand and he automatically put it into the player, skipping the tracks until he reached the one he wanted to listen to. The melody filled the dull silence with bitter colors. Dave heard his own voice. He knew the song well – maybe too well. He shuddered as he tried to force his memories back, but they broke through and from their weight he sank down into an armchair. A faint memory came into his mind. As he let his emotions overflow him, this picture started getting more detailed and colorful.
2000. Santa Barbara.
They were sitting in Martin’s intimate studio. The blonde man showed him what he has written for the new album so far. Dave was quite curious, Martin has never disappointed him in this sense: his songs were always perfect, so he thought that Curly won’t be able to surprise him anymore. His mate put a stack of papers in front of them and everyone could fumble in it. Everyone grabbed some lyrics, studying them, while they were listening to the demos and Martin’s instructions about how he imagined some of the songs in their final forms. Dave was listening to him just now and then, because he focused his attention on the lyrics, adding his comments to the texts or the music he heard. Finally he put the actual sheet of paper down and reached for another one. As he ran through the lyrics he had to admit to himself that he was wrong – Mart still could surprise him. He was just staring at the lines. He found them beautiful. They couldn’t hear his voice for long minutes – he was still staring at the lines, reading them several times. He hasn’t even heard when Mart’d offered a short break, giving the opportunity for the two of them to be left alone in the studio.
“Dave” the singer heard from the distance and finally his name reached his mind too.
“Yes?” he came back to reality.
“You’ve got quite lost” Mart smiled softly. Dave loved this smile of his.
“I’m just reading this” he showed up the paper.
“Which one is it?”
“I Am You.”
“And…? You don’t like it?” he asked nearly shyly. Dave looked at the lines again before opening his mouth.
“It’s beautiful” he lifted his open gaze to look into the green eyes.
“You want to hear its demo?”
The brunette man nodded and Martin switched the CD. In the next moment Dave was already listening to the raw version of the song with full attention.
“Will it be your song?” he asked hearing the slow rhythm.
“No, Dave. I meant this for you. It’s yours.”
Dave looked at Martin with piercing eyes while the song was still on. It was about them. Yes, it was about them and now Dave felt the lines so very true… He was just listening to the track, which was on repeating mode, listening to his own voice.
„You have bound my heart with subtle chains
So much pleasure that it feels like pain
So entwined now that we can't shake free
I am you and you are me
No escaping from the mess we're in
So much pleasure that it must be sin
I must live with this reality
I am yours eternally”
Eternally. He knew this song painfully well. They had been separated for good and he won’t be able to see him on his side ever again and those chains… oh, those subtle chains have been broken and the memory of them burned into his heart, throbbing painfully in his chest. No. How could it be possible to bear this? How could he bear not to feel Martin’s touch on his skin? Never again? He imagined Martin touching him. He closed his eyes and touched his own body.
„There's no turning back
We're in this trap
No denying the facts...
No, no, no
No excuses to give
I'm the one you're with
We've no alternative...
No, no, no”
Back then he saw another meaning in these lines. They’ve pushed each other into that certain trap. They were each other’s prisoners and he though that they won’t ever part.
“Martin!” he panted as his long fingers slid lower and lower.
„Dark obsession in the name of love
This addiction that we're both part of
Leads us deeper into mystery
Keeps us craving endlessly
Strange compulsions that I can't control
Pure possession of my heart and soul
I must live with this reality
I am you and you are me
I am you and you are me”
Did Martin foresee the future? He will never know. He moaned as he freed his member, which became hard thanks to his memories and fantasy. His hand began the well-known movements. He wished it was Curly! Or that he wouldn’t feel his absence. He wished… he wished he was senseless! He wished he didn’t feel this burning pain, which was eating him up alive, tearing at his chest, where he had his heart once. He wished he could forget everything!
He sped up his hand’s moves as the pictures of their encounters came into his head – making love sometimes tenderly, sometimes wild as if they were mating animals. The pain was unbearable. The CD-player started the song once more to torture him with every line, making him suffer for those mistakes he made, which led them here.
He panted Martin’s name again and again in the empty flat and he barely could swallow from the lump in his throat. He won’t get relief, ever. This emptiness, this pain will always remain. He will always feel his absence, he will never forget his memories. In that moment – like a cue – his orgasm shook his body, but instead of a moan of relief, he let out his bitter sobbing.
He was tired and moody as he threw his bag on the floor as he stepped into the house then headed for the kitchen to take a beer from the fridge. He just arrived home from his kids. He spent the day with them. At least seeing them made him feel a bit better. He could even smile and laugh at Calo’s and the girls’ jokes, though Viva and Suzanne remained rather serious, shooting examining looks at him. When he was alone with his ex-wife, she noted that he looked bad and asked what had happened. He just waved and explained the tired and a bit confused behavior with the end of the tour. He was more withdrawn than usual and barely said a thing, though he just wanted to roar constantly. Luckily none of them forced the topic further, so he could spend a relatively nice afternoon with his family, if we don’t count the anguish under the surface.
He took a long sip from the cold beer and sat down to the kitchen table, fishing out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He lit one and was just staring in front of him. He was listening to the silence, but wasn’t enjoying it. On these occasions the feeling of loneliness sat heavily on his shoulders. Like back then when he was young and tried to fill this space with different partners. But he wasn’t in the mood for that anymore. He won’t be able to touch anyone else after Dave for a long while. He still wanted him, but it was impossible – and it’ll stay like this. Like back in those days in Berlin when he just watched Dave, who tired to convince him desperately… then it turned into a debate… then into something completely different…
He stood up and walked into the other room to take a bottle of something strong. If he really wants to think through this memory, he’ll have to prepare himself.
1983. New Year’s Eve. Berlin.
He didn’t like the party so he left it behind. His mood wasn’t the right and this time the huge amount of alcohol couldn’t help either. Nay! It just made him even sadder. If he wanted, he could have picked up a chick – they clung to them on the party – or he could have visited the small club under his apartment, but somehow he wasn’t in the mood for that either. He rather returned to his apartment and - accompanied by a few bottles of beer - he sat down onto the couch.
He was thinking of Him again. He didn’t exactly know why. Maybe because he saw him having a bad quarrel with the jealous Jo? Or because they have been debating with Alan whole day long about a song? Mart hated when they couldn’t sort out such things in work, when they couldn’t decide what to do with a track. His gaze wandered through the window, right into the dark night of Berlin. Time after time he heard the loud, noisy bunch of people passing by in front of the building he lived, breaking some glasses or bottles in their drunken delirium. At least they were having a good time. For a moment childish jealousy flickered inside of him, but then he rather snorted shaking his head and switched on one of the German channels on the television. He sipped from his beer and tried to switch off his half-drunk, racing mind.
His relative rest didn’t last long, because after maybe half an hour – when he had finished two more beers – that damned intercom buzzed. First he didn’t want to stand up, but his visitor seemed insistent, pressing his palm onto the button. Martin nearly hit the roof from the annoying sound. He cursed as he stood up and stumbled to the door. He really hoped that it wasn’t a drunken idiot, who rang every flat just for fun.
“Yes?!” he grunted with barely covered-up anger in his voice.
“It’s me” the visitor said downstairs.
“Dave…” the blonde man sighed resignedly “What do you want this time?”
“Let me in!” the young singer asked as he leant against the wall. The alcohol was working in his system.
“Why? You should rather go home. You’re drunk.”
“Please. I need you…” by the time he said it he already regretted revealing this much from himself. He propped his forehead on the wall and was cursing himself, trying to keep his balance.
Mart frowned and went silent for a few long minutes.
“You there?” the question slipped out of Dave’s mouth because of the long silence.
“Yes. Go home, Dave, make up with Jo” he finally said coldly.
“No!” Dave exclaimed as his anger flickered for a moment “I don’t want to go home! Let me in!”
Mart cursed again, rolling his eyes then pushed the right button and the door downstairs made a buzzing sound. After this he drank the remains of his beer with one sip, waiting for him to climb the steps. Dave soon knocked on his door.
“You could really leave me alone” he went on with the previous conversation after opening the door for the singer and going out to the kitchen for another bottle.
“Dismiss Depeche!” Dave’s voice could be heard muffled from the fridge then he hurried back into the living room with his catch. He felt a bit dizzy, but he kept himself together and slowly focused on his blonde mate.
“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Mart looked at him confused as he froze then turned towards him.
“You want me to leave you alone. This won’t go” he answered and opened his beer. He took a long sip then sighed. Finally he literally sank down onto the couch. “Why do you want me to leave you alone?”
“Because you drive me crazy with your childish stubbornness” he walked to the main door, which was left open, and closed it.
“Cuz you’re so fucking perfect…” he murmured under his nose.
“I never said that I am” he sat down in the other end of the couch with his beer.
“For me you are” he lifted his dim eyes on him.
Mart sighed. They had gone through this several times. “Leave this bullshit at last!” he grunted and scratched his head after another sip.
“Bullshit?!” Dave blazed up. It was clear that he became angry and was at the brink of exploding.
“Dave, we already had this conversation. My answer is no. And go back to your wife, I’m sure she had cried out her eyes because of you!”
“Forget Jo! I’m here because of you and it’s useless to run from the situation, Gore!”
“My answer is still no. Stop this, Dave. It was good, but it’s over. Move on!” he grunted again and for a moment he turned his attention to the bangs of some crackers outside.
“Are you sure?” he slid closer to the blonde man “I remember totally differently. You were squeaking from pleasure, begging for more… Would you be able to live without that… without me?” he asked with a smug grin.
Mart didn’t say a word just took a long sip, feeling Dave’s cloudy but already hot gaze on him. It nearly burned a hole into him. Only he was able to look at him like this. It would have been impossible to forget those few nights when they got half-drunk or drunk and ended up in bed. Dave was very good in finishing him off, giving him everything he wanted to get from this form of sex – the things Mart needed to function and go on without going totally insane. At the beginning the singer was just one from the others, but something has started to change. It wasn’t a coincidence that he tried to avoid him, if it was possible. Mart didn’t know what was going on. Sure, he wanted him even now, but he was afraid that if he let this happen, it’ll end ugly.
Dave slowly lifted one hand and gently touched Martin’s soft skin on his neck – the singer had to close his eyes from the feeling. Curly could push his hand away just after a few moments of delay.
“Stop it!” he barked on a forced neutral tone, though from the touch his pulse quickened.
But this didn’t move Dave – he tried it again – he was sure of himself. Mart got fed up and turned to the side to push him a bit stronger so the singer landed on his side on the couch. Mart quickly got up – although he felt dizzy from the sudden move – and stepped further away from the singer. But Dave didn’t leave things this way, he jumped up, grabbed Martin and pushed him forcefully against the wall, pinning him against it. He heard his ribs resonating from the hit, but he didn’t care. He was nearly snarling from anger.
“Tell me then that I should leave you alone for once and for all! Say it out loud that you don’t want me, that you’ve never enjoyed our encounters, that the bonding between us isn’t there! Just say it into my eyes and I’ll get off you and won’t bother you with this ever again” he grunted.
First he couldn’t say a word because the push took his breath away. He looked deep into the dark eyes, which were cloudy from the booze and maybe from desire. He didn’t move. He had to decide. But he couldn’t.
“Let me hear it!” Dave broke out and shook the smaller body.
He couldn’t take this torture anymore! Without thinking he gave his answer with letting the nearly empty bottle fall onto the floor as he reached for Dave and pressed him against his own body, his lips moving forward so he could finally taste his mouth. He went nuts for this stubborn jerk.
Dave responded hungrily. He wanted him so badly! Martin couldn’t hold himself back anymore: he let his desires drive him and took control. He tore off Dave’s clothes quickly while he started pushing him towards the bedroom, barely letting his lips go. His breath quickened, his heart was beating painfully in his chest, his blood drummed in his ears then more and more rushed down into his groin. Dave didn’t protest, he let him do whatever he wanted. Now he didn’t bother himself with the details – he just wanted to bury himself into Martin… or in reverse…
Curly hasn’t hesitated too much – soon he pressed himself against the fully naked singer’s body. They were already lying on bed. No sound had left Mart’s mouth, he rather kissed Dave’s neck, chest and abs before taking the hard cock greedily into his mouth. He would have died if he couldn’t taste him right away! He let go every resistance he had and let the lust flood his dizzy brain, erasing everything else from it. Just Dave existed for him and the wonderful firm body he tasted.
Dave moaned urgently. He was enjoying the foreplay, but he wanted Martin’s body and soul so he grabbed the curls and dragged him away from him.
“What’s it?” Mart finally moaned huskily, following Dave’s hand, which was still fisted in his hair, and looked into his eyes.
“I want to feel you…” he said quietly, his voice heavy from desire.
“What?” he was perplexed a bit. For a moment he thought he heard it wrong.
“You’ve heard it right. I want you. Inside me.”
The surprise was still clearly visible on Martin’s face, and for a few moments he seriously examined the singer’s flushed face “Are you sure?” Until now Dave never let him do this, at the end always Martin was the one who had to surrender – not that he would have minded it too much… Mart was afraid that Dave just wanted to distract his thoughts from the ugly debate he had with Jo, but then Martin didn’t give a damn even if this was Dave’s cause…
“Perfectly” the singer nodded “I want you” he whispered, shaking.
Mart couldn’t stop a smile from this. Incomprehensible warmth filled his heart as he gently stroked Dave’s hot face. He often imagined this moment and his hardness started to throb painfully from anticipation.
“Alright… my sweet…” here he bent down and kissed him tenderly, sliding his hand between them and stroked along the singer’s whole length a few times. Then for a few moments he disappeared from over him. He bent over the edge of the bed and started searching for something under it.
Dave’s curiosity seemed stronger and the young man propped himself on his elbows and peeked over Martin. A little smile was still lingering on his lips from the nice little fondling Mart just told him…
When he spotted the tube he was looking for, he couldn’t suppress a dirty smile while turning back to Dave. He quickly crawled back between his legs, popped up the cap and poured some of its cool content into his palm. With his free hand he pushed Dave back onto the pillow and leaning over him he snapped at his lips. He reached between his lover’s already raised legs to wet first him then himself with the lubricant.
“I want you so badly…” he panted, exciting the sensitive area with his fingers.
Dave went for Mart’s lips then breaking the kiss he said: “Then take me… I’m yours.’
Mart just growled contentedly then after preparing his way with his fingers, he pumped himself a few times, positioning his rock-hard cock and he slowly started penetrating Dave. The blonde man gave out a loud moan from the painfully sweet hotness, which took him deeper and deeper. Dave groaned then pulled his mate to him to give him his passionate kisses. Martin was totally out of his mind from pleasure, from the feeling that he could finally feel the secretly adored singer around him.
“Oh god, you’re so tight!” he broke away from Dave’s mouth for a moment and he squeezed his eyes shut from the nearly painful, but maddening feeling. Finally his whole length was inside of him. He stayed still for a few moments then started slowly moving so Dave could get used to the feeling. Now nothing else mattered for Martin. Maybe he’ll regret it next day, but he wasn’t able to think straight anymore. When it dawned on him who was the one taking him inside, he started accelerating his pace and his thrusts got harder as the throaty and loud groans came again and again from his dry throat.
Dave joined the passionate moans. The feeling was new for him with Mart and he had already lost his mind! He couldn’t decide its cause: was it Martin, or just having sex with another man? He had no clue, but in that moment he would have given everything he owned to Martin if he asked. He had been toying with the thought of letting Mart into his body, giving himself fully to him, but he would not have been able to tell who possessed whom now. A harder thrust came and he nearly went insane from his feelings. It felt so good! It was so exciting! He could have cum just from feeling Mart moving inside of him!
Martin felt wobbly from the intense feeling. He wanted to get relief as soon as possible so he sped up even more. Then when he got very close to his climax, he rattled: “Grab yourself! I’m nearly…”
Dave obeyed without hesitation – maybe for the first time – and he needed just a few pumps before he exploded. But he came back relatively quickly, because he wanted to see Martin going to the same place where he has been. Martin – uncharacteristically – let his voice out and rattled and growled with a deafening volume during his thrusts. His face showed his ecstasy as he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back with an enormous “DAVID” yell, cumming into the hot body.
Dave hissed from the sight as he just watched this blonde angel stripping off his hindrances, enjoying and living for the moment to the full. He waited until he calmed down a bit then pulled him closer and whispered: “You’re beautiful like this…”
Martin slowly found his way back to reality. He heard Dave’s sentence, but he wasn’t able to say anything. So he just carefully slid out of him and collapsed onto the body under him, exhausted, to shower Dave’s mouth with his kisses… and maybe to silence him before he would say something that later he would regret.
His tears were flowing silently. He felt as if that foolish New Years’ Eve night was just yesterday, not more than twenty years ago. From that day everything became different. That was their first real step which led them here. He came to the conclusion again that he still can’t decide whether he should have sent Dave home that night or not. Maybe from some reason – which he couldn’t see yet – it had to happen this way. But why?