Characters: Brian Molko, a fictive person, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Category/rating: romance, PG-13
Description: I’ve put some thoughts of my own about Christmas into Brian’s head. I could imagine that he dislikes it as well, but who knows. XD It’s a bit dark, it’s a bit romantic. :)
Dedicated to: black_day, Pompás, Kelisa, Tharsis (who’d sent me this amazing song! :) )
Note 1: Recommended song: Kowalszky meg a Vega: Többet érdemelsz (You deserve more)
Note 2: MERRY CHRISTMAS for everyone, but first of all for our dear singer! :)
I don’t really like Christmas. Everyone acts crazy at that time – running around for useless and expensive presents. It’s not about love anymore. I can barely remember the last time I had a real warm Christmas. Maybe there wasn’t such at all… And it’s likely that I won’t have one this year either, but now I feel a bit sad about it. We ran out of time with the tour so we’ll have to do a gig and party even today, on the 23rd. And next day there’ll be a big mess on the airports. It’s impossible to get home in time. And the snowstorms aren’t helping either… I’m fucking fed up with everything! I wish this insanity ended! You can bump into people here and there, crooning those drooly Christmas songs. The situation in the shops is the same. I have to puke from this fulsome stuff! I love it better when the streets get empty after the holidays. It’s as if all life dies out. The gingerbread-scented ruckus ends, there aren’t people running around with shiny packs. Everything just gets so fucking empty. And that’s the time when the world reflects my real feelings. Every year Christmas passes without me noticing it. I give something emblematical for Stef and Steve or I just pat their backs, but they never said a bad word about that. They know how I feel about this. But now I can’t skim over these few days so easily. I don’t know what’s with me, but it’s like… I miss… something…
I’m huddled up in the back of the tour bus. The others leave me alone. They know that I need some time alone now, when I can switch off. I look out of the window with sad eyes, wrapped into a blanket. The passing cityscape gets blurry in front of my eyes again and again. Then something comes into my mind. My hand finally finds the way out from under the blanket and somehow I manage to rummage out my wallet. I pull out a slightly creased photo from it. I let my fingers run on the shiny surface.
We are on it. You and me. I don’t know since how long I have this picture there in my wallet. I think you smuggled it there. When I’ve found it a few weeks ago I was surprised, but after that I took it out every day – even if just for a few minutes in my dressing room before the concerts or after the tiring interviews, or when I couldn’t sleep in my cold bed. And now you’re here in my hands again. I remember – this picture was taken spontaneously on your birthday. You’re beautiful! My index-finger strokes along your long hair, follows the naked line of your neck, runs on your smiling lips then jumps onto your collarbones just to slide lower. I let out a long sigh and look at the way you nuzzle to my side while I put my arm around your shoulder. There’s unconditional trust in your move. I can nearly feel the warmth of your right hand on my chest, I can nearly see the happy shining of your eyes – the way you’ve smiled at me so many times that day – and your scent is here in my nose…
I close my eyes and lean back as you appear in front of my eyes. I can recall every part of your body. You’ve burned yourself into my brain. I have every move, glimpse of yours… your laugh… your voice… inside of me and they’re just waiting to take control over me, to lose my head again because of you.
I miss you.
I often see you in my dreams. You’re with me. We’re happy. But when I wake up I grab just the empty sheet next to me. You’re not here. I’ve seen you a long while ago. The tour has parted us. But maybe not just that. Maybe it had to be like this. I wanted to throw away this picture so many times. The creases on it aren’t a coincidence. But… I’ve always changed my mind in the last minute. Who the fuck knows why I’m tormenting myself with your memory?! That quarrel still rings in my ear. The one when I broke up with you. I don’t know why I did that. It seemed the right thing to do. That pain-filled look flashes into my head often. You didn’t cry – or at least not in front of me – you weren’t in a tantrum, just looked at me questioningly for a few minutes then you’ve accepted it. You walked out of my chaotic life quietly, but I couldn’t forget you. Maybe exactly because of this.
I haven’t noticed that the bus had stopped. Stef walks back to me. I look up at him with a sad expression. He sighs when he spots the picture in my hand and says on a low tone:
“Come, Brian. We have to go to the rehearsal.”
I don’t say a word just slowly get up while I carefully slide the picture back to its place. The hive is big around the arena. Quite a lot of our fanatic fans are freezing outside. I just glimpse at them while Stef and Steve waves a few times. The stage is ready, we just have to tune the instruments. We rehearse a few tricky parts of some songs then I go to my dressing room and come out just a few minutes before the show. I’m not in the mood during the concert, though toward its end I feel a bit better – maybe because of the crowd’s mad jumping and their energies.
I wipe off the sweat from my face with a towel. At the end the show wasn’t that bad. After a few high-fives I go back to my dressing room to take a shower. When I’m ready Stef steps into the room and gently grab my arm.
“Come with me. We have a surprise for you!”
“Oh no! It’s that Christmas bullshit again, isn’t it? I tell you now that I’ve bought no presents.”
“There’s no need for that.”
With a bored face I walk along the corridor, which leads to the room where the staff’s buffet is. Nothing special greets me there. A few people come to congratulate for the show and some groups are drinking here and there. Steve’s talking to his girlfriend near to one of the black hangings.
“Hi” we walk to them “I didn’t know you’ll be here too” I look at the red-haired woman with a bored smile. I always forget her name, though they’re together with Steve for a while.
“Just Stevie knew about that. But I’ve brought you a surprise!” she smiles at me
I’m surprised. I have no idea what it can be. I’m about to say that her efforts were useless when you step out from behind the hanging with two glasses of champagne! First I think that it’s just my imagination. I’m sure it’s because of looking at that picture for that long. But no. You’re REALLY standing a few steps away in front of me. I don’t know what to say. I feel the lump in my throat and my heart sinks as I eye you from head to toe. The simple but elegant black dress suits you so well. You haven’t changed a bit. I can’t move, I just look into your piercing eyes. You offer one of the glasses and smile faintly. I see it in your eyes that you’re a bit afraid of my reaction. My fingers are shaking as I take the cool drink. I haven’t noticed that the cigarette between my fingers burned out.
“Merry Christmas” you whisper and raise your glass.
“It is now” I grin with shining eyes and we clink glasses.
I empty the glass immediately, but I don’t dare to let your gaze go. You smile sweetly. I want you. I want to undress you. I want to hold you naked in my arms. I can’t bear not touching you!
Maybe you saw something in my eyes, because you give your glass to Steve’s girl and carefully take my left hand, leading me out of the room. Even from this simple touch desire fills my body, but when I notice that your dress leaves most of your velvety back free, I lose my head. I have no connection with the outside world as we leave our grinning friends behind and I follow you obediently wherever you’re taking me.
Soon I find myself in my dressing room again. You quietly close the door behind me. I take deep breaths, but don’t turn around. I don’t want the delusion to end. After a few moments I feel you getting closer and with your white arms you embrace me from the back. Your face rests between my shoulder-blades. I know that you’re inhaling my scent. You used to do this all the time. You’ve said that you can’t get enough of it. And I can’t get enough of you! I still can’t believe that you are really here. That I can caress your arms while my heart jumps up into my throat. I go crazy from your nearness! I want your lips! I want your whole body pressed against mine!
I gently take your hands and turn around to face you. I pull you close. You silently moan when you feel my body pressed against yours. I put one arm around your waist, my other hand is on your face then my fingers dig into your hair. I want to kiss you, but some kind of a sentimental feeling holds me back. I just look at your face, your longing lips and slightly confused eyes. I feel dizzy even from your sight. I thought that I can cut off this feeling with one move – like I did so many times before with others – but now I can’t. It was in vain trying to bury it deep inside of me. You were always there – in every minute – even if I didn’t notice. But of course I can’t say these things out loud. I’m scared. I’m scared that something would go wrong with that or would become final. I don’t want to tie you to me, cuz you have your own life, your own world. I can’t drag you along all the time. You’d get tired from it. Like me. There’d be no future for this… but… you’re still here… This whole thing is so cloudy!
You stand shaking in front of me and wait for my kisses patiently. You let me settle this debate inside of me. You were always understanding. Sometimes maybe too much. But you’re not this simple. You’re fierce. Passionate, humorous, strong… You’d be perfect… but…
It seems that I made you wait for too long, cuz in the next moment I come back to reality from your lips which brush lightly against mine. I close my eyes and enjoy your soft kisses. The familiar feeling enchants me. I want more! This isn’t enough for me. Now I press your body against mine with both hands, passion fills our kisses. I press you to the door. I want you to feel how much you’ve turned me on within a few moments. You sigh quietly then smile. Your hand strokes my face and you kiss me again. Your body is covered with goose bumps. I run my fingers along your naked back then I stroke your thigh. I lift you up, you put your legs around my waist. I take you to a table and put you down onto its edge. I eagerly stroke the inner side of your thighs. You always go crazy from this. You moan into the kiss as my hand slides upwards. My tongue is on your décolleté and in the moment I grab the edge of your panties, there’s a knock on the door. I curse silently.
“What?!” I shout towards the door.
“Sorry Brian for disturbing you, but we have to go!” I hear our manager’s determined voice “We have to pass over the place. You can carry on in the hotel. I want to see you in the car within five minutes!”
Before I can say anything very unlovely, I hear that he runs down the hallway. I smack at the table next to you. He’s totally ruined everything with his appearance! I send you an apologizing look, but your eyes stay calm. You run your fingers on my arm then they stop on my fisted hand.
“It’s okay, Brian. Calm down. We’ll have time… if you want…”
“Why the hell wouldn’t I want it?! You think this is just pretence?” I press my hard cock against your soft groin.
You flash that sweet smile again while you start to bend your head backwards, but you pull yourself together and the move breaks midway and you look at me again. I can see the lust lazily shining in your eyes, but you hold yourself back. But you can’t stop yourself – you stroke along the front of my trousers. A shiver runs down my spine from your touch and another wave of hot blood rushes down into my groin, but I know I have to calm down. This is why I let you gently push me away.
“I help with the packing, ok?”
“Why? The staff will do the packing” I say it imperturbably. I still stand there, trying to calm myself.
“Bri, our hands won’t break from a little packing! And anyway…”
“Anyway what?” I turn your head towards me, hearing the reproachful tone. You never liked when I used someone else to do even the simple things instead of me.
“This is a good opportunity to calm down… you know, with doing something else…” you smile again and you already start packing my make up stuff. Although I don’t like if someone touches my things, I let you do it. I know that you’ll put my things to their places. You know my habits. I just stand there and watch you. I try to relax, but even your most simple moves turn me on. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to hold myself back until we get to the hotel. As you bend down for my eyeliner, as your fingers slide on the objects, as you stroke your hair behind your ear… I have to close my eyes. I lean to the desk and take deep breaths. Maybe this’ll help.
After a few minutes my body is more relaxed. Although I feel unsatisfied, maybe now I’ll be able to hold myself back. By the time I open my eyes you’re ready with the packing and you hand me over my coat. I can barely recognize you in your long coat and dark shades. But it helps me a lot that most of your body is finally hidden. We leave my stuff here, someone will pick them up later. As we step out from the room, we face the grinning Stef.
“I was about to knock and ask whether you’re ready. Our dearest manager is quite nervous. I think he had a little debate with one of the owners, this is why we have to leave in a hurry.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised” I close the topic while we head for the exit.
I think Stef knows that there’s only one thing on my mind now and knows that we were interrupted. You faintly smile at each other, but you follow me when you see my grimace. Dunno why but somehow this big understanding between you two annoys me this time. I want to leave this damned place and everyone else behind as soon as possible. I’ve got used to my sudden mood-shifts, but now this annoys me as well. I hate it when I can’t get something immediately thanks to other people! But I calm down a bit when you slide your hand into mine. For a moment I glimpse at your calm face. It amazes me how well you can control yourself if you have to! You nod then put on your furred hood so that the paparazzis and fans wouldn’t recognize you. Through the cacophony and flashes of the outside word I pull you with me to the car with darkened windows.
“Quite a lot of people stayed” Steve remarks then gives a kiss to his girlfriend.
“Maybe because this was your last concert this year” the red-haired woman smiles back at him.
“Possible” Stef shrugs his shoulder.
“Hey, where’s Xavier?” I glimpse at our lonely bass player. He grins.
“I’ve left him in the hotel. He’s waiting for me… He mentioned a surprise…”
A pervert smile appears on my face, but I don’t say a word just put my arm around you and push your hood back so I can bury my head into your fragrant neck. Finally we hit the road.
“It’ll be a long night…” I whisper into your ear in a way that only you can hear it. I don’t know why you start to shiver – because of my sentence or because I gently start biting your neck…? And it’s just the beginning!