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Prologue
2010.04.22. 13:56
Bridgycat – Words like violence
Prologue
“Maybe it will turn out all right this time. That is what I keep telling myself all day. Since yesterday I am hoping. Since I've seen you again. Maybe there's hope for us too. When you first came to the studio I felt like dying from joy that I can see you once again. And dying from the pain that the distance is so wide between us. Like now. As I sit here and playing on the countless guitar, at the countless melody for the countless time. And you stand in the deaf booth and sing. I cannot tear my sight from you anymore. It's afternoon now and all day I managed to hold myself back with some over human force. But now you won't see how I admire you.
When I saw you at the hospital I lost all the hope that you be that man I once knew. That you survive and be yourself again. How pretty you are...again...still. A little pale and slim, but energy build up from your every move. It's nearly visible as the dark force swirl around you. Like fiery black lianes covering your body and it is stretching against it’s hold. The music governs your movements as it fights the melody-lianes. It grows around you and caress you. And you let it chase you in to the trance. Again you create the wonder with your voice. You are wonderful. You are the wonder. Your dark hair half long, it nears your chin...how much I love your wild eastern features. With that hair it's more visual. You wild Arab stallion. I couldn't put behind what I feel towards you. Even as I tried to close all the paths that connects us. Even as I tried to keep myself far away from you. There was no use. Once I called you Judas. Now I became your betrayer.
Maybe it's better this way. You will start to hate me and we all will lead a normal life. I will try to concentrate on my family. And you fall for that Greek girl from years. You shared everything with her. Even our secret. And still she stayed by your side and helped you. You call her your angel. So from that I know you love her. Once you called me like that.
Yes. You always wanted a family. Now maybe there is hope for a normal life. Okay Gore! Now you are frolic! Normal life? When even in this very moment you shaking after him like some collage girl at her first date. Yesterday Andy grinned in your face because you nearly stumbled on your own feet as you rushed after Dave with the lyrics. Your face stayed calm but your friend saw what burned you from inside. Yes, what I wanted the most is to drop to my knees before Dave Gahan and like a dog whine and beg for his forgiveness. I would kiss his footsteps just to see the satisfied shining in his dark eyes. That he understands the songs. That he forgive me. That he still want me. After all that.
Normal life? I cannot keep a 'normal' relationship even with you. If I look at it on a 'gay-scale' even. On every existing scale I am filed under abnormal. What I done to you, that I will never forgive myself. How can I ask for your mercy??? I left you alone when you wanted me the most. I closed myself before you when everyone left you and you begged crying to me just to listen to you. I killed you. The drugs killed your body, but I blooded out your soul. You were Judas. And I became Cain.
And beside all that you talking with me. Working with me. You sing the first version of my guilty conscience. I don't want to put you in any uncomfortable situations. I don't like that kind of forced conversations as well. Now you look at me...Tell me that you understand how sorry I am. As it your eyes shine up as you uncover how I drink your sight. Tell me that all that we lived through counts. God! You saw it. You saw my thoughts again. And again shivering rush over me from your one secondly existing half smile. I can't watch you any longer. My hand is shaking on the guitar. I want to tell you all with my songs. Once you heard it. I try to swallow the lump in my throat while you come out of the booth."
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"I can feel you watching me. What is this good for? You only get me miss my lines. You must know that I still feel you. Somehow our telepathic connection never tore apart. Maybe that is the reason why I can't forget you. The Ocean kept us apart and I knew that you thinking of me. When I called you night and day and you never answer it, I could feel that you are there. Just don't want to hear me. You never wanted to listen to me. I wanted to say sorry for all of my nasty games. I betrayed you, I used you, I left you.
In the hospital and on the rehab I went through it all over and over again. I talked to Jenny about you-us. She listened to my sayings. She wasn't judging, she wasn't stand on either side. Just listen. She WAS listening to me. As I analyzed myself I came to the same conclusion again and again. I will never be able to give you up. That what formed between us. I find a purpose for myself that keeps me alive. For what I should live for. I have to get back your interest and trust.
Yesterday when I saw you the shreds that remained from my heart is almost jumped out. I was happy to see you, even for Andy too. I was almost begun to say that how it will be different now. Because I want it to be different. I was preparing for the meeting, being all nervous cause of it. I was afraid of it. I was almost begun to say that you never gonna be disappointed because of me again. Your cold stare froze it all inside of me. With one of your careless "Hello" you kicked me once again. But now I won’t let you anymore.
I won’t let that happen again. That your distance keeping feed my dark side. I won’t listen to the voices who's telling me that you never really wanted me. I won’t believe them. Though they were right. We argued so many times. Yes, I played with your emotions and it was me who was whining for them after all. For your emotions. To show me that what you write about. To show that I am important to you. My other self said it to you with my lips. When I had nothing left to fight for your interest just my bitter anger. It said that even when I die you wouldn't come to me. And you didn't come.
I'm gonna show you that I count something to you. You gonna realize it yourself. I'm gonna prove you that you can trust me. I'm gonna prove you that you still love me. Yes I can understand the songs, they are beautiful like always. But now that is not enough. I'm gonna win you back. And you gonna tell me yourself what you feel. I can feel it, I know it that I am right. Even if you that cold with me, now your stare is smoothing me. You watching me. Don't worry I put all I have in it. You gonna be proud of me. Again.
The admiration is swelling from you even through the glass wall. I'm not gonna crawl for your love no more.
You going to whine after me. You could play with me always. Wrap me around your finger. Mesmerizing me with your snake eyes. Corrupted me within second’s, I wasn't able to say no to your power.
It was only you who knew me whole as I am. Who accepted me as I am. Who understand me. And now as I feel it that you watching me again...I want you to watch me. I want you to like me. I want you to like what I do.
You are my drug. My steroid pills that drive me to do better and more. I'm a junkie and I always will be. I hunger your compliment. You took away my fix, but you must be aware yourself how dangerous the maniacs can be. Maybe that is what you want. You keep up your soul-suffering that is why you torment me. But I ain't no masochist. I don't want your pain anymore.
I will give it all I have. I've done my homework Mr. Teacher! I learned my lesson and now I am going to say it back to you. You see? God! Those eyes...you begging to me with them. But I'm not gonna surrender. You taught me that.”
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Tim Simenon is looking across his studio with light excitement. He asked to work with his admired musicians. They started almost a year ago. Now following up the past months happenings the new album is more meaning full than ever. It is a comeback from the band on various levels.
He only begun to watch his hero's, inquiry them. Andy is a kind, polite clown. Dave is funny, humble, emotional and energetic. Martin is friendly, conversational and creative. Meaning that if all of them he watch separated. If the two front-mans were accidentally under one roof everything froze and swords hanging in the air. Even now, as Dave floats on the songs melody, singing the lines of "Insight" with unbelievable empathy. And on the outside Martin playing gentle riffs, lost in his own world. For a second their stare met before the singer steps out of the glass cube. The bright spark is visible even to the producer. But a minute it's born it disappears.
- So? - asks Dave from meanly all of them.
- Better than the last time was - tells the answer to his guitar the blond one coldly.
- Yeah, that voice teacher did good - reach for his smoke and head outside.
- We have to prove our self's, after all that - puts his instrument down turning his back, so he can't see the shadow of disappointment running over Dave's face.
Tim turns to the tall man standing next to him.
- What is their problem with each other? They always like that?
- Well - scratching his nape Fletcher - They too much alike.
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