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Chapter 10
2010.05.17. 21:55
10.
„I can’t tell you. That’s for you to find out.“ His eyes are that melancholic she feels tempted to close her arms tightly around him, telling him all will be fine. „As much as it’s for me to face myself...again. I can’t go on like this either.“ He lets her hand go. „Where’s Rosie?“ „At school. Her gran will pick her up later.“ He swallows hard. „Before you ask – Jennifer is in the summer house in the Hamptons. I have no idea for how long.“ „What are you going to do about it?“ He doesn’t answer and just shakes his head.
***
The door of the yellow cab closes behind her. She couldn’t stand it any longer and kind of fled Dave’s place. The sounds of car horns, the off key humming of the cabbie – it just reaches her like through a filter. Why? Why did I have to meet him under these circumstances?! It’s just not fair! In a different life, in a different universe...perhaps. It doesn’t make sense at all! It’s just going to hurt more...more people involved. Yes, if there’s a god above he must have a terrible sense of humour! Ha Ha! Do you hear me laughing, God?!
The lock of her front door plays up – as usual. She tries to turn the key, shoving it up and down, rattling a little...till the bolt finally gives way and she can enter her flat. While rummaging in her pocket something dropped onto the floor. Stepping onto it now, hearing the crushing sound, she flinches a little and bends down to pick it up. It’s the blister with the antidepressant. „Bloody pharmaceutical junk!“ Without spending any further thought she dumps the drug into the waste bin. She’s close to do the same with the little note, the contact details of Dr. Sheridan in a busy handwriting all over it, yet something lets her change her mind and she smacks it against the pinboard in the kitchen. It’s already covered with myriads of stickies and letters. One more or less won’t make a big deal.
***
She ignores her inner voice and all advice and continues keeping herself busy with work. The next seminars pass by without any particular situations to remember. This Thursday she nearly reaches for her black bag, taking a shower and glimpses over to the clock. A short, sharp pain deep inside reminds her and she falls back onto the bed, her long hair still dripping wet. You’re not doing this to yourself any longer! You’re not going there...waiting. He won’t appear there anyway. Now even more illusory.
Friday gives her another uneasy feeling in her stomach and heart. Rosie. Opening her class, going on with the topic and the usual advice her spot at her easel stays empty. Does that really surprise you?
On the one hand she feels kind of relief on the other hand she’s concerned. Poor, little girl! Another thought crosses her troubled mind. He doesn’t want her to be with me! It’s the state I’m in! He’s afraid I could cause more damage to his precious angel!
This realisation brings tears into her eyes. He might have a point there though. I’m too bloody emotional, to thin skinned, already too much involved. It’s not my business. I’m an outsider that has to keep out off his private affairs! Another voice tells her: It’s not your fault! You can’t blame yourself for all the pain that’s so generously spread all over people that surround you. You’re not responsible! You’re responsible for yourself, so better start there!
„Miss? Ms. Myers, why are you crying?“ The tiny voice of a child reaches her ear. „I’m sorry, Dennis. I’m just sad.“ „You don’t have to be sorry for that.“ A pair of brown eyes fix her and then a tiny, cappuccino-brown hand reaches up to her with some tissues. Oh my god! I will scare them all to death!
She feels like drowning but inhaling deeply she takes the offered Kleenex and wipes her face. When she’s got a clear sight again she realizes that ten pair of different coloured eyes keep watching her, most of them with some concern and empathy.
„It’s not my day, kids. Don’t worry. I will survive. Class is nearly over so let’s clean up and call it a day.“
Oh my, I hope they won’t tell their parents that their teacher broke out in tears during class! They will think I’m hysteric!
The last voices died down, silhouettes disappearing in the long corridor. Josie rubs her eyes at her sleeve and walks to the locker to change. With a heavy heart she then makes it out off the museum, letting herself be swept away by the buzzing stream of people along the street. She nearly bumps into a car coming around the corner while she blindly follows the mass ignoring the red lights at the crossing. The way down the subway is as usual dim lit and the typical smell lets her shortly cringe. The train is packed and she has to grab a pole, being involuntarily squeezed against some bodies, inhaling the sickening mixture of sweat, tobacco, alcohol and worse. The metal in her hand feels sticky. No, don’t faint here! It’s not a good idea! Not a good idea at all! Suppressing the urge to get sick she can finally grab a seat at the next station, some people rushing out off the wagon. It’s sprayed with graffities all over but she couldn’t care less. Pressing her shoulder bag tightly against her chest she closes her eyes, knowing she’s got at least 30 minutes to go, trying to blank out all disturbing things. Just the occasional careening of the car reaches her conscience.
***
„Ray, I don’t think that’s a good idea.“ „Why not, Dave? You keep telling me for ages now. Be a man and face it.“ The man at the other end of the skype chat rolls his brown eyes. „Have you seen her again?“ „I went to the club. This time she was the one avoiding to meet.“ „What did you expect, man? You couldn’t just leave it like that. I told you she’s a smart one. Why did you have to blow your and her cover?!“ „Gosh, how could I know she’s Rosie’s arts teacher?“ „How could you know you would fall for her? Isn’t that closer to the truth?“ „I’m not in love with her! Fucking hell!“ The other man lets out a laugh. „I can clearly see and hear that, David Gahan. If I had known what I’d drag you both into, I wouldn’t have introduced you two.“ He takes a sip from his beer. „Apparently too late. Hell, Dave! We’re friends for such a long time! If I wasn’t glued to my studio shit over here I would fly in on the spot, you know that. I’m sure you at least keep John on track. That’s a great relief to know. Don’t do any stupid things now. We all went such a long, painful way together. It’s not worth it.“
David’s eyes widen, staring at the face in the webcam window. „Yes, I can sense it – I know the temptation. Admit it, you thought about it. You already have done the first step – giving in to physical desire. Fuck, you love Jenny and your family, Dave!“ The singer can’t sit still any longer and jumps up, pacing through his office. „I do, I fucking do, Ray! It’s just it starts to slip through my fingers again...love...and I seem not to be able to keep it!“ „Sitting on your throne there, do you?“ „Huh?!“ „Ah, come on...King David!“ „Yeah, my empire of pain and hurt, fuck!“ „At least one thing is true...she’s the same, right? You’re so into pieces as you must have connected and both looked at each other’s contorted faces of fear. Are you strong enough to help yourself or will you fall and rip her into the darkness with you?“ Dave tears at his hair, his finger clinging around the greying strands. „You should have finished your fucking psychology degree, Layghton!“ The addressed man’s face turns a bit sombre. „If I could have stayed away from the dope my life would have turned out in a different way...perhaps. What, if, when...it doesn’t help us to take over responsibility over ourselves – what we are now, WHO we are at this point of time. Am I talking to David or just the shadow...the creature that already bowed to the pain, having bent down, on all fours, following instincts...? Do you think of the bottle already? Drowning your feelings and emotions?“ „Ray!!“ „Yes, Ray is here – completely. I’m your fucking friend who fucking knows and who has to tell it fucking boldly into your face. Who else would be so honest with you?“ Ray slaps his open hand onto his desk. „You told Josephine she had to face herself. What about yourself? It’s always easier to see the misses with other people and act.“
Dave slowly glides down to the hardwood floor, leaning back against the wall. The web chat ended a few minutes ago, leaving them both exhausted. Fetching his blackberry from his jeans pocket he pushes speed dial. „Hey, Rosie, my shiny star! Yes, I didn’t forget about your bedtime story, though granny will be disappointed again. She loves reading to you.“
***
Chewing at a slice of pepperoni pizza she unenthusiastically flicks through the TV channels. Not being able to sleep she’s still up, checking for the late news. It’s close to midnight. Colourful shreds of a V.I.P. magazine flicker over the screen when her min dis suddenly fully alert, staring at the monitor.
„Rumour has it for years that certain members of electro pop band ‚Depeche Mode’ had a bit of something kinky going on. Especially co-founder Martin Lee Gore was and is known for his eccentric life style though having three kids with ex Suzanne Boisvert-Gore. This time our focus is more on slithering, seductive front man David Gahan and his former band mate Alan Wilder. The latter recently launched another album of his Recoil project and was seen by our very own Perry de la Vuelta. Perry, so what’s the hot news then? Kerry, darling – I thought I was blinded by the lights but we have footage of Mr. Wilder and Mr. Gahan having some fun in *beep * club in the East village.“
Some bad quality sort of youtube snippet shows definitely David and Alan dancing cheek to cheek, arms tightly around each other. A zoom closer onto their faces leaves no questions – it’s them.
He wouldn’t be so stupid to do such a thing in public?! The report goes on.
„I could see them kissing later in a dark corner. Unfortunately security detected us before I could film that scene. Gahan’s marriage is said to have had ups and downs over the years, his hot blooded greek wife Jennifer has been on the tabloids for leaving him with the kids after the 2005/06 world tour of the band yet they were able to brush it under the carpet, teaming up again. I wonder about her reaction now. The couple has two still minor kids. Thank you, Perry. That’s shocking news. We will keep you informed. And now to...“
Josephine turns the TV off. „You don’t have anything better to do but throwing smut at other people’s lives! Fucking assholes!“ She’s more shocked about the disrespectful way of the media than the tiny bit of info that was carried over.
t.b.c.
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