And the world was gone – For my twin, Dev…
I can’t believe it came to this. I can’t believe it’s true. I always thought one day we’d go together. But not like this. Not this soon. We are… were still so young. But now you’re gone and I’m just shocked and hurting like never before. All of a sudden I feel so fucking old. Now I can understand how Daddy Damon felt when he lost our Papa Shan. Let me tell you Dev, it fucking sucks. I feel so lost… so empty without you, my love. I’ll miss a part of me forever now that you, my other half is dead. Dead… That word makes me start sobbing again but I take a long drink from the bottle of vodka I’ve opened shortly after the previous was gone.
It’s dark and empty in our castle-like home that we created with our combined powers by the North Lake. We made it for you, me and our fiancé, River to start our life together. But everything was ruined. The snakes our third father, Davante brought with him managed to first ruin what our dads built up during the years. They poisoned our fathers’ relationship and finally it led to the downfall of the kingdom we were born into and to our Papa’s disappearance. And Davante stepped aside and let it happen. I’m still so angry at him. I guess Daddy Damon is too.
When I thought that losing Papa was the most painful thing I could feel, I was wrong. Losing you is much, much worse. And River’s betrayal only adds to it. We loved him, but he just disappeared on us. He didn’t even say goodbye after all we had and shared. We opened our hearts for him and he just took off, put on another face, replaced us with two other and left us hanging, hurting. Daddy Damon and Papa were right about being careful whom they let close to them, but you knew just as much as I that the betrayal of the people closest to you hurts the most.
We tried to run away to India, where Papa was from. To put some distance between everything that’s happened to our crumbling world. We were holding on to the fragments we still had. Our love, the thin hope and each other. I watched and felt oh so clearly how the pain you felt because of these undeserving people was slowly seeping into your mind, your bones, into the very core of you. Their poison got to you too. Changing you. I tried everything I could to stop it, hoped that the change of environment would be good. That being close to the origins of our Papa would somehow help. But then River left us there and it just added to the pile. After that it was only the two of us again. But you started distancing yourself, which never happened before. And it hurt. It hurt more with each day. You closed me out and I was desperate to be there for you, to get closer again. I did everything to please you. I even followed you back to the castle where everything had started, although I thought it wouldn’t do any good. I had a bad feeling about it, but you said it was what you wanted. So I didn’t stop you. I followed you. I’d have followed you anywhere. You were my twin after all. I’d have done anything for you.
I gave you space while hurting on my own. You were still there, but so far away at the same time. Mom and his twin, Patt disappeared. Our siblings and dads as well. Daddy Damon moved away to some town in America with our sister, Daya to start over after leaving Davante. Maria, our housekeeper and nanny went after them. The demons, Rafael and Kitty left with their baby, and we had no idea where Zepar and his daughter were. The castle emptied out. Only Queen Victoria was still there. We saw her wandering on the corridors or in the garden like the ghost of the past she became, bound to the castle by the Spirit Lake. That damned lake…
I saw you sit alone close to the edge of that cursed lake countless times. And I had no idea what was going on in your mind anymore. I couldn’t feel you the way I was able to since we became conscious in mom’s belly. You saved my life for the first time then. When I nearly suffocated before being born. And now I wanted to save your life. Stop you from sliding deeper and deeper into your depression, anger and disappointment. I wanted to give your life purpose again. To focus on the good things that was left in life for us. Focus on the two of us, but you left me alone in our empty home more and more often. I know you went on killing sprees like Daddy Damon and Papa used to do when things got too much for them or they simply needed it. Sometimes I followed you because I was so worried about you. I noticed you were getting more violent, losing yourself bit by bit during those slaughters. It took longer for you to come back from your darker side with each time. I discovered that you started using drugs too to make things more bearable, but nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing could help on your dark thoughts and sorrow. Not even me.
For the first time in our lives I started bothering you. It broke my heart when you first unleashed your anger and pain on me. Its weight brought me down to my knees and when I tried to stay strong for you… for us and made an attempt to hug you anyway, you pushed me away. You rejected me. It hurt like hell but I tried to understand you, to give you some space. I was still hoping that it could somehow help you, but it didn’t. You grew quiet. You stopped talking to me, sharing your thoughts and feelings. And even if you closed me out, blocked our connection as much as you could, I could still feel you suffering. That and my own pain of being alone, unwanted made my heart bleed. I tried to bottle it up, lock it away inside me, but when it got too much, I spent nights sobbing and calling for you in vain. You were somewhere else killing or using or whatever. You were slipping away and I didn’t know how to stop it, I didn’t know what to do or say to help. I wanted to help you so fucking much… But I failed miserably. I blame myself to some extent, you know. Maybe if I pushed more, if I tried harder… maybe then you wouldn’t have lost yourself in your dark side, which took over you more and more.
I could barely recognize you after a while. And I was missing my twin, my soulmate so much already. I was hurting so much because of you, even if I never said anything about it. But I think you knew it. If I could feel some of your emotions then I’m sure you could feel mine too through our connection. Oh how I longed for your kisses and caresses. Your hugs, your warmth. I never thought I’d miss the weeks right after we left the castle… when we were comforting each other… holding on to each other. Because at least we still had the other. You were my rock and I was yours. But the darker you turned, the more I was losing you.
I was blaming those fucking snakes, Davante and River more than ever. There were days when my rage took over, triggered by your misery too, and I smashed the furniture in our mansion to pieces. Just to use my power to rebuild them. I drank more and more too to numb my mind, the pain in my chest and get through the days. The constantly growing darkness I felt from you was slowly getting to me as well. It began eating away the last pieces of hope I managed to harbor deep inside. It hurt. The pain didn’t want to stop anymore. It was constantly there. Growing as I was getting more and more desperate to talk to you, but you refused.
After a while you stopped your killing sprees too. No rage was left in you. For a while I thought it was a good thing. That you’d bottom out and things would get better from there. You even had a few clear moments. Kissing and hugging me long. I started hoping again. You felt calmer. Although I should’ve known that it was a dangerous calm. You started spending more time by the lake. When I had no idea where you were, I just had to go to the big rock where you liked to sit and watch the colorful fog of the spirits swirling on the surface of the water. It scared me sometimes how motionless you became, how lifeless your black eyes were while watching the water.
I should’ve known. But I failed again.
Days, weeks then months were spent like this. I asked for Daddy Damon’s help too. He gave me a few advices and tried to talk to you too, but at the end, nothing could help on you anymore.
Yesterday started the same way. I was alone in our huge bed. Your side was untouched. I could barely smell your scent there anymore as you slept very little or crashed wherever you knocked yourself out with your drugs. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve done more. I didn’t know… I just… didn’t know what to do. I was frozen, hopeless, broken – like you. But nothing could’ve prepared me for what came afterwards.
I’ve decided to try helping you again or at least make an attempt getting closer to you. So after I was startled out of my sleep by a bad dream or maybe a hunch, I made a big mug of your favorite coffee and headed towards the lake from where I could sense your faint presence. It was a damp and foggy dawn. The sun wasn’t up yet, but the light was strong enough to paint everything into a pale grey. I remember, I was thinking that it was getting cold for you to stay out like this and that I should talk to you about that, persuade you to come back to our bed, but my thoughts were interrupted when I saw your form evolve from the fog around the lake.
My heart stopped when I saw you stand up and head towards the beckoning water. The spirits were calling for you. Your soul. Our soul. Now I could hear their singing too. I was frozen to the spot, watching you get closer and closer to the water. The lake caused the death of so many. You knew that, but you kept going and I dropped the mug which broke into million pieces on a rock. I blinked as close to the water as I could and reached out for you. I shouted your name, begged for you to stop and come back to me. I promised things would get better, that we can start over, forget everyone else and concentrate on our love… a love that should overcome everything. We used to say that. We promised it’d be true with us. That we’d always have each other’s back. That as soulmates we’d always be together like the Universe had intended. But you didn’t listen. You already made your choice and my pleas fell on deaf ears. In panic I kept shouting your name. Already in the water – as the swirling mist of the Spirit Lake started crawling up on your beautiful body – you turned back and looked at me. That small sad smile could’ve spoken volumes. It burned itself into my mind forever. I can clearly see it in every moment I’m awake. Resignation, hopelessness, sorrow, pain, apology and your love for me… and so many unspoken things were in it. I begged you not to leave me, to stay with me, to love me, but you just whispered your goodbye as the spirits started pulling you down under. I tried to blink to you, but my powers didn’t work. I tried to get into the water, but I was scared and my body didn’t want to obey to go after you.
And then you were suddenly gone.
The moment our connection broke, when I realized that you didn’t exist anymore, I screamed in burning and blinding pain that was clawing at my insides and soul. I thought I’d die there too as my powers exploded all around me, blowing the fog away, making the ground shake, the trees turn out of the ground and the plants wither around me in a circle – like they used to do around you until you learned how to control your powers.
The white noise – like after an explosion – blocked everything out and it took me some time to realize that I was on my knees, fingers digging into the earth as I was sobbing uncontrollably and calling your name over and over. The hole in my soul where your place used to be until that moment was throbbing, making me numb and hard to breathe. That hole will stay in me until my last breath, until the moment we’ll reunite as one in the afterlife or wherever we go after we die.
I have no idea for how long I stayed there. Maybe hours. Maybe days. For the first time in my life I’ve learned what it really meant to be alone. I couldn’t hear or feel you in my mind anymore. That silence was deafening.
Everything was taken from us. From me, who was left here confused and hopeless. Everything that I held dear, loved and cared about was gone. Wounds got torn up as the weight of all the loss and grief crashed down on me and I cried until I couldn’t see and I ran out of tears.
It’s how I feel now. And I don’t see a way out anymore. So I drink to relive the countless memories I lived through with you, Dev since we were born onto this horrible world with so few people who truly cared about us, who didn’t cheat, left or hurt us. Even you left me. I don’t blame you though. They did all these things to both of us and finally your depression and sorrow took you away from me. I hope they all rot in hell for eternity, because this isn’t what you, me, Papa Shan and Daddy Damon deserved. Not after opening our hearts and minds for those whom we thought were trustworthy. They were clearly the wrong people. Unworthy. They should be fucking ashamed, really. But hey, Karma is a bitch, right?
So while one day they’ll get what they deserve, I’ll be here, waiting to see you again. Because I know the moment will come when we’ll be together again. In one way or another.
Dev, my twin, my soulmate, my love, my everything. I’ll always love you. Always.
“I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you…”
(Linkin Park – Numb)