Epilogue

“Musing through memories,
Losing my grip in the grey.
Numbing the senses,
I feel you slipping away.

Every night, I dream you still here.
The ghost by my side, so perfect so clear.
When I awake, you disappear,
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear…”

(Still Here)
 

Another sleepless night when I’m lying wide awake, staring at the richly decorated golden ceiling. I’m in Asgard once again. Carefully getting out of the huge bed I look back at my sleeping love. I stroke out a few strands of blonde hair from his face then get up, putting his red cape around my naked body as I walk to one of the huge windows that look down at the beautiful city lit by the stars and the warm lights of lamps. My eyes follow the soft pulsing of the rainbow bridge that runs across the whole city. It’s in the middle of the night and sleep just doesn’t want to come to me.

I know why. If I close my eyes I can still see that soul-searching green stare of Loki before we left Niflheim. That explosion that hurt Lady Sif came in possibly the worst moment. The three of us really should have talked about a lot of things. I still think that if we sat down, we would be able to clear everything and maybe persuade Loki to stop his suicide mission that tries to systematically destroy every possibility to be happy and get back what he and Thor used to have. Would it be possible to figure out some kind of a setting that’d allow the three of us to be together and put the past pains behind us? I want to believe there is a way… But how am I supposed to find that? I can see on Thor that he is in pain because of his brother and probably because of my betrayal too. We talked about what’d happened between me and Loki, and he doesn’t seem to blame me, but I can feel that he blames himself for that. Which is bullshit, because that was my decision too, even if I was under the influence of that golden apple.

Since we got back more than a week ago it turned out during our night-long conversations with Thor that eventually, the question of making me similar to them with the help of the apple would’ve come up, but of course Loki had to mess things up for us. Although Thor said that he forgave me, I’m not sure he really meant it after such a short time. I’m not sure he was completely honest about his feelings. I, for one, surely cannot forgive myself for betraying him like this. I wish I could just swipe it under the rug and forget about it, but I know well that thorns left in the wound can poison us. And I don’t want to let the poison spread and ruin what we have. I don’t want my warm sun to turn into darkness. It’d mess up the balance.

I had a dream about this. I was standing in a dry desert with my hands held out by my sides, like a living and breathing scale. A warm and radiant sun was held in my left hand and a cool full moon in the other. If I close my eyes, I can still feel how I tried to balance them every time they wanted to move away from their fate. First I didn’t want to believe what I felt from that dream: a small but ever since blooming feeling, a certainty that this was my purpose. Could that be true? I never believed in signs, I was a scientist thinking rationally but since the universe opened up in front of me I’ve seen so many wonders that cannot be explained by logic… Maybe from now on I should start believing in signs too… But even if I did… how should I do this? How can I fulfill the purpose the universe gave me? How will I be able to balance such a delicate relationship like Thor and Loki has? Was it even possible to influence Loki? He isn’t the kind of man who’d do what he didn’t want to…

“Why aren’t you in bed, my love?” I suddenly hear and jump a little as I feel Thor’s big hand on my naked shoulder. Holding his red cape around me a bit tighter I turn my head to look up into his sleepy blue eyes as I shrug.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

I can see him eying me for a few seconds then he nods as if he knew what was going on. I turn back to look at the sleeping city, the guards watching over it. I bite the inside of my lip as my thoughts are still running through my head.

“You miss him?” I hear the quiet and somewhat hoarse question from behind.

Denying it would be a foolish thing to do. By now Thor knows me better than that. I slowly nod and sigh “I do. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Jane. To be honest… I miss him too” he confesses which makes me nod.

“You have a long history together.”

“That we have… And you really aren’t bothered by it?”

“No. I understand.”

“Not many would. And not many would’ve guessed it. We were always more than careful about this.”

“It took some time for me too, but… I’m good at connecting the dots, remember?”

“Yes. You are a scientist, Jane Foster” he chuckles low and squeezes my shoulder.

“Or I used to be. I’m different now.”

“That’s true. I love the new you too. You know it, right?”

“You do?” I ask and turn around to face him. I want to see his expression as I let him put his muscular arms around me. I can tell he likes me wearing his cape like this.

“I do. It’ll take a little more time for me too to get used to it… But for once maybe Loki’s deed wasn’t that horrible. Your apples will arrive soon and you’ll be able to complete the process of becoming the strong queen I’ve always wanted on my side.”

“Yes…” I nod and caress his wide chest with one hand, lost in my thoughts “Thor…” I start as I look up into his eyes “I’m afraid though. Is that normal?”

The white smile he gives me warms my heart like always and I already feel a little better on the inside “I’d worry if you weren’t afraid, Jane. I can imagine how frightening this might be for you. A new world, a new love… a new life. But you are one of the bravest persons I’ve ever known. You are strong, and not just because of the golden apple, but on your own. I could tell the minute I set my eyes on you in that desert” he tightens his embrace around me “I love you Jane Foster, and I’ll do everything in my might to help and protect you.”

This finally brings a smile on my face too and I pull him down for a soft kiss. It’s unbelievable that even his kiss reminds me of the sun. “Thank you, Thor. For everything” I mumble and after he nods we just watch each other for a long minute. “Do you think… do you think he’s already preparing for a war?”

He knows I’m talking about his brother and ex-lover. His eyes darken and a few wrinkles appear on his forehead as he frowns. A heavy sigh leaves his lips as he reaches for my hand on his chest and holds it there in his much bigger one. “It is very much possible, my love. I’m afraid I don’t know him anymore.”

“Of course you do” I shake my head in denial “He might have changed a lot, but I know that he’s the same person deep down. I mean… he still loves you… Is there any way we could meet up with him in person and talk about this? Because we have a lot to talk about. Maybe… maybe we could persuade him to stop the war and stop his attempts to ruin you and his home.”

I could see Thor’s eyes round a bit to my words. “You’d be willing to try that? You’d be willing to let him come back?”

“Yes” I tell him without any hesitation while it crosses my mind that it’d be tricky to persuade Odin and the rest of Asgard not to execute or punish Loki severely. Would they kill him for high treason and everything he’d done so far? Would they be able to forgive him at all?

“Why?” Thor wants to know and I can see that he got unsure. Was he afraid that he could lose me over his brother?

“Because I have to help if I can. I want you to be happy and I know that without Loki back in your life, you’ll never be fully happy, even if I was on your side as your queen. Your connection runs too deep. Can I talk openly?”

“You don’t even have to ask that, Jane” he smiled then watched me curiously as this time it was my turn to explain things to him.

“I’m no expert on this field” I smiled nervously “but well… since the Aether and my transformation… I see the world differently. These things kinda sharpened my senses and I think I can feel you two… you are like the light and Loki the darkness… and I’m in the middle, connecting you two. I believe without light there cannot be darkness and vice versa. I’ve read about this somewhere and on Earth they are called soulmates. Two parts of the same soul, completing each other.”

“But you could see that we don’t work well together…” he tilts his head to the side as he thinks my words over.

“I believe that’s why sometimes people like you might need a link, a third person to balance the two sides out?” I rather ask than claim since I’m unsure about this whole thing too, not certain that I’m right, although my gut tells me otherwise.

“Maybe you’re right, Jane. I’ve seen stranger things” he nods and squeezes my hand on his chest.

“Would you want to try it?” I ask curious and maybe a bit hopeful too.

He looks at me seriously for a long moment then nods again “I believe so.”

I can feel another smile appear on my face and we leave it that way as I nuzzle close and rest my head against him, thinking about how things would be different if this actually worked. Would Loki be up to this? Would he even bother to try? Not for us but for himself? Would he be willing to put all his hurt feelings aside and give a chance to this opportunity? To us? I’m sure I’ll never know if we don’t try.

Opening my eyes as I’m still in Thor’s strong arms I think back on all that’d happened since the dark-haired man came for me. To be honest, it still amazes me how much and how quickly someone’s opinion can change about a person, whom she hated beforehand. And how she can miss that person and his sneaky ways.

***

You've got everything to lose
Yeah I'm waiting on you

Roam with me
Come down to where all of the others fell
Get lost in the dark to find yourself

(Where the Lonely Ones Roam)
 

I am truly acting pathetic. I’ve been sitting around in my room since the fight. What’s wrong with me? Even my daughter expressed her concern about me. She told me I’ve changed. Did I? I told her she was wrong, but deep down I know she’s right. I’m not the same. Not since Jane Foster came along. What is it in that woman that has such an effect on me? What kind of power does she have over me? Why can’t I forget how she tasted, how her voice sounded and what she said before they left?

Get a grip of yourself, Loki! You have a war to organize and prepare for… You cannot get soft now. Not when victory is so close. Or is it? Do I still want it? Yes! What she’d said about me and Thor doesn’t change anything! Yeah… keep lying to yourself…

“Damn you, Jane Foster…”

Why can’t I banish the thoughts about a different future out of my mind? I’m not like this. I’m cruel, sly and cunning. I’m the master of tricks and mischief. I’m not a soft-hearted fool like my brother… Thor, damn you too for finding this woman and putting me into such a situation!

Picking up the black glass from the table I drink from my wine and look back into the mirror that shows her in my brother’s arms, having no idea that they have an audience. Was she serious just now? Would she really want to try that? Would she be really willing to leave safety and try to persuade me? This woman was either crazy or brave… Either way she managed to make me consider the possibility itself – which is a big achievement, I give her that. Maybe I was wrong and it wasn’t just me who got into her mind. It seems she got into mine too. Interesting.

“It should be amusing to find out how this will work out…” I whisper into the silence of the room as I lean back in my armchair, my eyes on the mirror that shows them kissing before the picture slowly vanishes “We shall see how you and my brother will like my darkness…”

THE END

By: Useless-girl
05/12/2013 – 06/02/2014

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