Chapter 1 - Beam of Light
Everyone has a dark and a light side, but some experience it differently.
What happens when both of Adam's sides wants the very same thing?
Note: My first try of an Adommy fanfiction inspired by some roleplayer friends, fanfictions I’ve read but most of all the Trespassing bonus track “Map” (quotations are obviously from that song). I’m sure it’ll get better, lol. Enjoy. Comments are always welcomed.
Rating/category/pairing: PG-13, slash, supernatural elements, romance, angst elements, Adommy, Adam Lambert, Tommy Joe Ratliff
Full size here
Beam of Light
“The dawn is bright and
My perception is open wide
You know you flooded my senses
What you inspire is a feeling I can't describe
Forgotten all my defenses…”
He didn’t remember when he’d realized that he wasn’t alone – when it had started. Probably he has never been alone, his eyes were just too blind to realize that the shadow in him was there. Watching. Lurking. Waiting. And getting stronger. Feeding off on his insecurities, fears, failures, suppressed desires. And he had plenty of those. Always being the different one, the freak – never completely fitting in. Always needing to be in the spotlight, to have everyone’s attention. Maybe it was to feed the beast too. Adam wasn’t completely sure. He was never sure about anything regarding that dark demanding side that was dormant most of the time, but always present. Lingering over his thoughts, making Adam feel as if he was constantly being watched. And as later turned out he was right about that.
Things got more confusing and messed up when he hit puberty and he realized without a doubt that he was gay. Always wanting the pretty boys he could never get. His self-esteem low. Could anyone blame him for that? A ginger, freckled and chubby kid who was also dreaming of cock. Not someone who’d be popular among the cool boys he had his insecure eyes on. Maybe joining the drama club was running from those failures and gaining more confidence and recognition. Because he was talented. He knew there was more in him than what met the eye. He had a gift like no one else – his voice. So unique, so expressive – that was clear from the very beginning to everyone. So he pursued his dream to play and sing, often getting confidence from that strange dark corner of his mind that he became aware of more and more.
By the time he got into American Idol he’s been through a couple of years of struggling with himself. He had disturbing dreams about a shadow-like black creature that resembled a big wolf with glowing eyes. It haunted his dreams and forced Adam to work more and sleep less – until exhaustion kicked in and he had to take out a few days to come in terms with himself and rest. Even if it meant he’d see that creature in his dreams. He had to face his fears, he had to face himself. It was easier said than done, of course. But he stopped running and opened his eyes. He faced the creature living inside of him. He picked up meditation to a friend’s advise and it seemed to help calming his nerves and getting to know himself better – and of course made it easier to “meet” with that shapeless dark side, which sometimes appeared to him as that wolf from his dreams, but sometimes as himself with yellow eyes and a piercing stare that could see through him with ease.
After getting through the phases of fear, denial, self-pity and self-hate he accepted the inevitable – he had to live together with this shadow. There was no way to get rid of him. And maybe there was a reason why he had it inside. They kind of came to an agreement – not that they could communicate with actual words. No, those “conversations” with the beast were more like exchanging impressions. Adam cut some slack to this mysterious shadow, feeding him with all kinds of emotions and providing him some freedom too when he was on stage or in the bedroom where the singer developed a dominant persona, through which this shadow self could play too. His lovers loved that once he was confident enough to show them his dom side. But he never gave full control to the shadow – and despite the smaller attempts of the beast to change that Adam could handle things.
He had to admit that his Other self helped him a lot during the years. He gave him strength when he was so nervous backstage that he nearly threw up. Or when he wasn’t so sure about trying himself out in American Idol. Occasionally even with getting the boy Adam wanted but was too insecure to make the first step. The prize he had to pay for all that help in return wasn’t that bad, was it?
Of course he had darker periods when he hated the shadow and himself or couldn’t understand the urges he felt because of it, but all in all he appeared confident and balanced to the outside world, even when the pressure in American Idol grew, threatening with breaking the contestants. But Adam was protected, he stayed focused on his goal, he stayed grounded and calm with his eyes on the prize. It was of course winning the competition, but being acknowledged, showing his talent to the world and getting fans were much more important to him. And success and fame became his relatively quickly. The Idol tour that followed the competition strengthened Adam and he didn’t really care about what the tabloids wrote about his sexuality. He never hid it since he came out to his parents, but never advertised it either. He was a discreet person when it came to his relationships. It wasn’t anyone’s business anyway. But he tried to prepare himself that a lot of times he’d be judged by that and not by his talent. Even so sometimes it was hard. However, it didn’t matter for those who respected and loved him for his talent. So he was pretty satisfied with what he and the shadow self had achieved.
“You were a beam of light
Lit up my broken sky
There was just something about you, ooh
I had a vision and you painted the world for me
And now I'm staying beside you…”
But everything changed when he came along on that audition. No, it wasn’t love at first sight. Nothing that sloppy as fans tended to imagine. It was about vibes. Good vibes, to be more exact. There was something in that small blond man that caught Adam’s attention the minute he entered the room in his dark clothes and creeper shoes. By that time he learned to trust his instincts and the reaction of his body was telltale with his hair standing up on his nape, the skin tingling there warmly as both his and the shadow’s full attention was focused on the guy who introduced himself as Tommy. He was glad that Tommy proved to be a great guitarist even if he could only get a job and contract as a bassist at that time. It sometimes still amazed Adam how quickly they became close and then best friends. They were just so similar and different at the same time. Real soulmates. He had no doubt about that.
However, after a while being just friends became not enough for Adam. Especially after those staged kisses shared during the shows and when they were fooling around off-stage on parties or private gatherings. The singer knew that what was happening on stage was for the show, to tease the fans and give ground for speculations and countless fanfictions, photo edits and drawings for the more creative fans. Sometimes they checked those and found pretty good ones, but that was it. Talking about them and laughing them off. Or at least that’s what Adam pretended. He didn’t know exactly when things have changed for him. When he’d started looking at Tommy differently – or did he look at him like that from the beginning without admitting it to himself? He knew one thing: both of his sides liked… no, loved Tommy for what he was. A beam of light in his dark and twisted world where that shadow self’s been his only companion until the pretty blond came along.
Sometimes he caught glimpses, smiles, touches from him that could be interpreted differently, but Adam tried not to think too much about it – despite the fact that his dreams and senses were full of Tommy. Whenever the other man appeared Adam was focused on him, trying to mask that fact as best as he could. But it was hard sometimes. Especially when some alcohol or other substances were involved. Then he had to be very careful. Tommy told him at the very beginning that he was heterosexual and Adam respected the fact, he never tried to force himself on him, they were just fooling around. But such games can be dangerous, particularly when two people are as close as Adam and Tommy. And Adam felt as if he stepped over an invisible line and realized that he was falling for Tommy. Head over heels.
He tried to suppress it despite the disapproval of his other side. He had a few boyfriends – somewhere resembling the blond guitarist – along the way, but none lasted at the end. The singer couldn’t fully commit himself to those relationships. There was only one way Adam could confess his feelings: through music. He wrote song after song to Tommy – of course he always made it appear as if the lyrics were about a fictional boyfriend. And maybe that was exactly what Tommy became to him. A platonic love. A muse. It wasn’t the first time the music business saw something like that. Still Adam couldn’t do anything against it. At the end he couldn’t deny his feelings. He couldn’t describe exactly what kind of feelings Tommy evoked in him. It was different from everything he knew and despite the growing need and yearning or the fever that ate him up on some nights he behaved. He watched girlfriends come and go. He offered his shoulder if needed, but never talked about his feelings.
He has always been very good in hiding what he didn’t want others to see. He just had to paint the thick layers of his mask on – the goofy, energetic and kind man who loved to sing above all and had the presence of a volcano mixed with a tornado on stage, thanks to his other side too. But when he was alone without his mask in the middle of the lonely nights, he was just staring at the actual hotel room’s ceiling, watching the changing shadows sleepless while his fingers were remembering the soft touch of the blond hair, his nose recalling that well-known and beloved scent, his freckled mouth savoring the memory of the pouty lips’ curve and taste… It was torture, it was suffering, it was all he had. That sometimes painful longing for one look, for one touch, for one taste. He wasn’t proud of it, but he touched himself a few times when the burning got unbearable and he desperately needed some release and had no boyfriends around whom he could punish or fuck. Disgusting? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely if he wanted to remain sane.
Being on the road was the worst. So close yet so far. At times when Tommy got too drunk to get back to his own room and crashed on his couch or sometimes even on his bed Adam just watched him like a fucking lovesick boy or stalker. It was creepy, he knew, but he couldn’t help himself. He wondered if everyone had to live through such things at some point of their lives. Maybe. Maybe it was just him, he couldn’t be sure but he didn’t really care either. He knew that what he had with the bottle blond guitarist was something special and he was too big of a coward to risk losing it. So he remained silent and talked only through his songs, hoping that maybe one day Tommy would realize – without freaking out – that Adam was singing for him. Until then there were only the burning longing, his pissed shadow self and Adam.
Ever wondered what the video of “Better Than I Know Myself” was about? You thought only about Adam’s light and dark side, huh? Well, you were wrong. It was only one layer of it. There was someone else he needed and became a part of him, about whom he was singing. Not so hard do guess now who, right? It was ‘funny’ to watch, without being able to do anything against it, how his world slowly started to revolve around the one person he could never have. He could’ve had anyone but Tommy. During his sleepless nights or other times when they were together Adam wondered if his friend would’ve been disgusted if he knew what Adam was thinking about or confessed. He wondered if the blond suspected anything. Sometimes he was worried that he couldn’t hide all the longing or love-filled looks. He was trapped. He couldn’t imagine his life without Tommy anymore – that showed also in Tommy staying the only original member of Adam’s band. But he was his best friend and they worked perfectly together – suspicion dodged. Five points to sneaky Adam.
Yes, he had his tricks and routines. He had to. But how long would this work? How long would Adam have to argue with his other side who wanted the blond just as much – if not more? He could clearly feel that urge to be close and protect the smaller man. And it was coming from that shadow. Strange, huh? He couldn’t fully understand – or he didn’t dare to look deep enough to see the obvious. He just scribbled down words after words, lines after lines while waiting for Tommy.
“I don't need to wander any more
I have found what I've been looking for
I don't need a map to know the way
I don't need a map to tell me where I'm at…”
“This is actually pretty good. Will this be a b-side?” he heard the familiar voice all of a sudden. Of course it made him jump and his skin started to crawl as he looked to the side and that scent hit his nose while Tommy leaned closer over his shoulder, brown eyes fixed on the paper.
“Glitter Baby, you nearly scared the shit out of me!” he tried to laugh it off and bit his lip, forcing himself not to glimpse longingly at those pouty lips he could taste so many times on stage. “I… I don’t know yet. Maybe. It’s not finished yet” he moved his hand to hide the lyrics, a light blush painting his freckled face. No make up that day.
This time Tommy didn’t tease the shit out of him just gave a sweet smile and a questioning look as he walked around Adam and the table he was sitting at and dropped down on the chair next to the singer. “Can I read it?”
“It’s no good. Actually I might throw it away…” he babbled. He never babbled like this about his lyrics. Usually Tommy was one of the first persons who could read his lyrics and Adam couldn’t wait to show them to him – partly because of excitement and partly because of curiosity to see if he got them. But this time the blond found him off-guard and he could nearly see his other side roll his eyes – if that was even possible – as he suddenly felt vulnerable. Get a grip of yourself, Lambert, for god’s sake! You’re not a fuckin’ virgin boy…
“Can I read it?” Tommy repeated softly, the shadow of that previous smile lingering in the corner of his lips.
Finally Adam nodded and slid the paper over, his hand toying with the pen afterwards while Tommy was reading. Either he was reading very slowly, or Adam was just too impatient and on edge. While he was arguing with his other side in his head he stole glances of the pretty face which showed concentration but otherwise appeared calm as Tommy adjusted his hair with a slim hand – a move Adam had seen countless times and was so Tommy.
“So who’s that you’ve been looking for?” he asked once finished and Adam had to swallow hard, their eyes locked for a few long moments as he looked back at his friend suggestively. He couldn’t help it.
“You know… the usual fantasy boyfriend…” he shrugged laughing it off once again, pretending that it wasn’t really important.
Tommy watched him for a minute then gave the paper back nodding. He stood up to fetch his hoodie he left there earlier. The reason he came over to Adam’s room. “Can’t wait to read the finished lyrics. It’ll be a great song. I should be going now and let you back to it” he said and walked to the couch’s back to grab the hoodie.
Adam nodded and got up to let him out and lock the door behind him. He was about to open the door for Tommy when he saw the blond step closer and reach up to pull him down to him by his nape for a kiss. But what a kiss! It wasn’t their usual goodnight peck. No. Adam could feel the darkness inside of him stir and growl approvingly as Tommy’s tongue slid past his lips and kissed him deep and long. It felt different. It had to be different. No friend should be allowed to kiss another friend like this…
“This will be my new favorite song that was written about me…” Tommy grinned up at a very confused and shocked Adam, running a hand over the wildly beating heart before he left closing the door behind him.
Adam couldn’t move for long minutes as all sank in. His fingers traced his own lips, the taste of Tommy still lingering there and a disbelieving smile crept on his face as he walked back to the table on shaky legs to pick up the pen and scribble down the missing lines of the song:
“Now I believe in more than I can see
Now I can breathe again and
I don't need a map to know the way
I don't need a map, you'll always light the path…”