Full size HERE
“I was lookin' for love all over
You're the hunter and I'm your prey
Now I'm lost in a love hangover
I try to leave but I have to stay…”
Freckles. Freckles dancing in front of his eyes, freckles over and in him, the army of them taking over Tommy’s world. He was tossing and turning, wanting to ease the overwhelming feeling they evoke in him. He wanted to stop their dance that made his head spin faster and faster and just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore he woke with a start. He was panting, body sweaty as he was sitting in the middle of the bed, the sheet and cover tangled around his slim body. His heart was racing and he tried not to see those damned freckles anymore.
He ran a shaky hand through his messy blond hair. The long fringe on the side was damp and was living its own life at the moment by sticking into impossible directions, but Tommy didn’t care. He was just staring at his naked legs that he just freed. What the flying fuck just happened?!
It was in the middle of the night. He glimpsed at the nightstand as his heartbeats finally started to slow down. 2.30 a.m. He barely slept half an hour after sending Kyla away. The bed smelled like sex and somehow it made Tommy more frustrated. Trying to ignore it he lay back down although he knew sleep wasn’t an option anymore. He was surprised that his old friend insomnia let him sleep that long at all. It was getting worse again. And he couldn’t help it. He knew that this time it was partly his fault.
With the pictures of the dream he moaned irritated and stopped his hand from going lower on his naked stomach. He wouldn’t do that. He shouldn’t do that. He was officially straight or some shit… his new fuck buddy was there to prove it, right? The girl who just left… she was sweet, she was hot, he got hard from her and Tommy liked to fuck her. They agreed that it was just that: fucking and having fun, no strings attached because both of them needed just that at that point of their lives. But to be honest she was just a distraction to Tommy from the mess he was trying to deal with – or rather ignore. He knew he’d messed up big time, that he was hurting the man with the crazy freckle army that was haunting him even in his dreams.
“Fuck!!!” he shouted frustrated into the silence of the dark hotel room. He so didn’t want to face himself and his feelings, but knew that at some point he has to otherwise he’d go insane and probably distance himself forever from Adam. It’s been nearly three weeks now and so far he managed to dodge the singer’s attempts to talk. He could feel that Adam was getting more desperate and then slowly those attempts didn’t come so frequently and then stopped all together, letting Tommy feel less suffocated and under pressure. He hated such pressure. He was a pretty laid back and calm person and rarely held big speeches about his feelings. Someone might say he was a private person when it came to his deepest feelings. But exactly what kind of feelings were those? Fucking confusing ones…
Sure he always thought that some guys are hot and attractive but he never wanted to try anything sexual with them and besides those little “crushes” were usually with other musicians whom he respected for their work… so it was more like admiration and awe than desire. That doesn’t count, right? Besides he was always into chicks. Some nice curves, a pretty smile, sparkling eyes and soft skin. That was all he needed, that was all he wanted. And then there was Adam…
“Snake bites aligning stars
I'm enraptured there is no cure
No sanctuary from your allure…”
He knew from the first moment that he’d be trouble. But Tommy liked the idea of joining Adam’s band and finally playing for a serious artist with potential to conquer the world too much to play it safe. So he signed the contract and quickly got close to the singer. It sometimes still amazed him how well they clicked from day one. He could always feel that certain tension in the air between them but he didn’t act on it and Adam respected him too much to take a step. Even when they were fooling around on stage or on drunken parties Adam never stepped over a line and always asked Tommy to tell him if he got too touchy-feely. But since Tommy was turned by Adam into a cuddle bitch he wouldn’t be able to name a single occasion where he’d felt uncomfortable and out of his comfort zone while kissing and cuddling with the singer. He knew he was playing with fire and suspected from a few looks he caught that Adam wouldn’t have minded if they went further, but he never pushed him. Tommy was grateful for that and later when from his songs he realized that Adam was probably falling for him he even felt flattered.
Though he didn’t really know what came into him that day when he read the lyrics of “Map”. Maybe he wanted to let Adam know that he knows. Maybe he finally wanted to take that one step that they both were afraid to take so far. Maybe he was just too curious. Sure he fantasized about how it could be with a man. He had a curious and experimental nature so why wouldn’t he wonder about that? But he never thought about such things before he met Adam. He was like pure warm energy. A sun radiating warmth and care, drawing people to him wherever he went. And Tommy soon realized that he was following him like a puppy because he just needed that warmth just as badly. Without Adam he would probably still have a shitty work while playing in no-name bands to earn a little extra cash and to do what he loved the most. That job offer as Adam’s bassist was a once in a lifetime opportunity, he knew well and he was so glad he took it. Now he was doing what he always wanted to do even if currently he was an emotional mess.
“Fuck…” he repeated as he got up and pulled the sheet off the bed, grabbed the pillows then the cover too and tossed them on the floor. He marched into the bathroom and stood under the water to wash the smells off. He was beyond irritated with himself. His head was spinning with tiredness and the whirlwind of thoughts and it’d have been so good to make it finally stop, but he knew he made this mess to himself. He was washing his hair nearly angrily when he chocked up then just leaned against the cold tiles focusing on breathing in and out. He hated when he got like this… feeling so helpless and scared to face himself, but he knew he had to get over it now or he’d hate himself more than he already did for playing with Adam’s emotions. He knew he would lose the singer and the special bond for good if he kept doing this. Or maybe he already did… The thought terrified him.
He remembered that broken look in Adam’s eyes and Tommy could always tell when the singer was drinking. And he was drinking. Because of him, he knew it well. He couldn’t let that happen. It was a fucking complicated situation for him as his contradictory emotions were messing with his head and heart, but he knew that Adam didn’t deserve this from him. Not after everything he’d done for him, after everything he gave him. Tommy knew he was being an asshole and knew he had to figure things out quickly.
After the shower he put on some black sweatpants and a way too big T-shirt for his skinny frame and walked to the couch in the dark room. The moon and the city lights made it pretty easy to see without turning any lights on. He picked up one of his guitars and slowly started playing only to help him focus and feel something familiar, something that would ground him and make him feel less lost. Playing usually helped him put his mind at ease or just calm him down. At times it was like therapy and now he needed this little help to collect his thoughts and sort out the emotional chaos inside.
“'Cause the voodoo that you do
Is all that you can do
To make me into your fool
'Cause when you do your voodoo
I'm just like a doll
That your pins keep pushing into…”
He knew that sooner or later he’d get burned by the sheer power Adam was radiating. The energy that surrounded him and made people orbit around him like the Earth orbits around the Sun. Apparently Tommy was no exception either. He could feel that pull clearly every time he was near the singer – and often even when they were far away from each other. When Tommy was doing his own projects while Adam was away living his life, working, being surrounded by other people. That pull never disappeared since the first time their eyes locked. Tommy couldn’t explain it, it was just there. A kind of connection he couldn’t label. It was what it was and he learned to accept and live with it. He figured it was something that came with Adam. And even if at times it scared the guitarist he liked it too.
He considered himself a good observer and he could see the signs – looks, touches, half sentences, a laugh and of course the songs – and he knew Adam could feel it too, he was affected too. It was like some kind of magic from the strangest kind and he just couldn’t shake free. He tried to stay away, to keep his distance but Adam and everything they went through together has changed him too much. He was a different Tommy from the one who was struggling to make enough money to pay his rent and get gigs where he could play. It was no wonder though. This was a completely different kind of league. Tons of new people, places, the studios and the tours – of course these have changed him, but the source of all this was the frigging talented singer whom he could call his closest friend. Tommy wasn’t sure he meant the same to Adam who tended to give so much of him away to everyone, but at least he knew that he was important to the singer.
He’s been watching Adam and he could tell that he didn’t know much about Tommy’s feelings and how he turned the world upside down for him. Or he just didn’t dare to see, because Tommy wasn’t such a good actor to hide his feelings. At times Tommy could see through the always confident-looking mask Adam wore like a shield and could tell how he was struggling to keep feelings inside. But Tommy was sure those feelings were for him, because he saw that expression on the familiar face after he thought Tommy didn’t see Adam watching him. And Tommy wasn’t sure he was ready for this. Or if he’d ever be. He considered himself a straightforward and brave person, but Adam confused him to no end. For god’s sake, he was even questioning his sexuality! That’s what led to that night when he couldn’t bear the tension and curiosity anymore and he had sex with a guy for the first time in his life.
And it was so much better than he’d have ever thought! Because it was with Adam. He was sure about it and it scared the shit out of him and he ran like a coward. He was so confused when he got out from under Adam’s heavy arm and wrote a fucking note before leaving. His body was sated and aching so strangely but he… loved it. And Tommy just couldn’t wrap his mind around that. He lay sleepless for the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and trying to decide what to do: laugh or puke or cry. His brain was fried from the intensity of what he just lived through.
And he needed time to reevaluate everything he knew about himself. For fuck’s sake, he had sex with a dude… no, Adam… and he fucking loved every second of it. And he’d have gladly done it over and over again… What kind of spell did he put on him? Because it was so fucked up crazy! Straight guys don’t change their minds like this! But then Tommy had to face the possibility that he might’ve never been as straight as he liked to think. Or maybe it was yet another of Adam’s effects on him… He couldn’t really know. And he tried to deny all of this – especially the feelings those few nights of fooling around and then ending up in bed evoke in him. He had to reassure himself that he wasn’t going completely nuts and that he was still himself. That was part of the reason he picked up Kyla. He had to reassure his masculinity, sexuality, that he was still control over himself, that Adam didn’t change him completely. He didn’t. Tommy was still Tommy but Adam showed him a completely different and new side of him and it was strange, it was scary and exciting at the same time. He wasn’t sure he’d come out alive from that trip to that side if he continued going down that road.
His fingers stopped on the strings and he sighed staring at the carpet between his naked feet. And now he had to figure out what he wanted. He couldn’t stay quiet about this forever. He couldn’t put Adam through all this heartache just because Tommy was so fucking insecure about himself and what he wanted. To be honest he was terrified of losing this – his job, the tour, the studio work, performing in front of a devoted crowd nearly every night, the Glamily, but most of all Adam. He knew they had something special going on. They both knew, Tommy was sure. Even when Adam was seeing someone, even when Tommy had a girlfriend, that bond stayed and at times he could feel the pull. It was unknown, it was dangerous, it was interesting, but Tommy tried to ignore it the best he could. He had his goals in his life and now he was living his dream, he was right where he wanted to be and he didn’t want to fuck things up, didn’t want to risk a broken heart – or two. He just couldn’t risk Adam firing him if things went sore. He was afraid. Scared shitless. He needed this. He needed Adam in his life like air. He needed that sun, that beam of light to light up his path in the crazy world that surrounded them.
Oh he knew if he gave in – because since he opened his legs for him it was clear to Tommy that Adam being a guy didn’t mean anything anymore, it was much deeper than that – he would do it so completely and willingly that he was afraid of completely losing himself in Adam, although at times he wanted to try it. For example on that night they had sex. That was one of those occasions and the chemistry was working so well and strong between them that Tommy felt himself like being in a daze, far from reality for fucking days… He was so fucked up, Adam was ruining him without really knowing anything about his effect on Tommy. And Tommy knew that he was now guilt tripping Adam although he didn’t deserve it at all. Probably he was thinking that Tommy distanced himself and kept silent of that night because of him being straight. Sure it was messing with Tommy’s head to realize for sure that he was most likely bi – or rather Adam-sexual since he was the only guy he had such desires and feelings for – but Tommy had a few days to come to terms at least with that. He accepted Adam’s affect on him. He was attracted to him. What the hell, he needed to be around Adam to get his peace of mind – and get excited at the same time. Nice contradiction, huh? Fucking confusing.
At times Tommy’s overwhelmed mind was wondering if Adam put a spell on him for sure. After all he knew how much Adam was into astrology, Egypt, mystical cultures and other stuff he didn’t even know what they were about. Tommy laughed nervously on such thoughts, but it wasn’t funny at all, because sometimes it felt so real it was scaring him. The more time they spent together, the more Tommy got under that spell… the more he could feel that pull and he wasn’t sure if he was able to resist it much longer – or if he wanted to resist anymore.
“So what now?” he asked himself in the silence of the room as his mind ran his circles around this over and over, hands still resting on his guitar but not moving. No answer came of course – that would’ve been a clear and hilarious sign of insanity, he thought – but in a few minutes Tommy admitted to himself that despite his curiosity and messed up feelings he cannot avoid telling Adam that he can’t risk their friendship… he can’t risk everything they have… It’d be a hard conversation and he felt like chickening out as he tried to listen to his rational brain instead of his heart, but that was the right, the clever decision to make. He can’t lead Adam on, he can’t freeze him out like this, he can’t risk him starting to hate Tommy and direct his light towards someone else. He felt like a pathetic attention whore, but Adam made him like that. His eyes rounded as he realized that he was addicted to the man and he just couldn’t risk losing him over something like this. As he stood up and headed for the door – not caring about the time – he was just hoping that he wasn’t too late. That the damage he’d already done could be fixed somehow and the singer wouldn’t kick him out of his life after that conversation. Choked up, barely breathing and with a heavy heart he found himself in front of Adam’s door and he knocked to tell him his decision that would surely break Adam’s heart a little, but was the right decision to make.